Abuse I watched murdered by my boyfriend I'm in it

[broken16]

I sat and watched this the other night ironically with my boyfriend and he talked through it saying how much of a nutcase the man in it was and I watched it thinking how much he is like him.
When he's happy I'm allowed to be when he's unhappy I have to be unhappy too.
I have to send evidence of my where abouts answer my phone on the first ring or I get questioned over and over .
He doesn't hit me but the emotional abuse is draining day after day. I left him some months ago and he did the exact same routine the man on the programme did even proposing to me promising he would change blah blah it's worse than before nothing's changed.
I feel so stupid three years for me now I feel I will never break away.
He calls me stupid and tells me I don't think accused me of stealing from him out of his wallet and stares at me waiting for me to confess to something I didn't do.
Nothing I say nothing I do matters I do everything but it's never enough I try to be like him and be nasty and stand up to him nothing works.
I can't leave again it took all my strength last time silly silly me :-(

Don't wait until November. Take the cash and go now. I know that is easier said than done.

Going to a refuge might be less hard on the kids because it's summer holidays so they will not be missing the routine of school?

I don't know I tried to go in one before but it was far away from home and my oldest son he didn't want to go he's ten he was crying so I never stayed there.
I'm not really allowed to use my mobile when he's here because he kicks off about me being on my phone said he will smash it up so I don't use it infront of him very often.
He was going to leave two weeks ago said he hated it here and hated my ways and I make him like this he's moody because of me , he started packing his stuff but he never left I wanted him too. Then he was like I'm not really going to leave but I'm on the last straw with you ok.
The joint account money he has the cards and stuff he doesn't trust me with it he said I will have him over so I can't really access that? He doesn't know where my moms moving to not the exact place he's never been there so he wouldn't know where I am.
I hate him

Also my passport has gone I can't find it anywhere it's my only form of photo ID I only got it renewed last year I asked him about it he said he hasn't seen it . Makes me think he's done something to it

I feel like no one would believe me if I told them the truth I feel like I'm over exaggerating it but it's not normal his behaviour isn't. He shouts at me everyday about something I don't do right even if he can't find matching socks of the remote control or there's no sugar.
I try to be perfect it's exhausting and I'm holding down a job and children aswell there's no point in living really is there that's how I feel

You can go to the bank and say you've lost your card. They can cancel your old one and issue you with a new one.

As for your passport, you can report it as missing (I actually think your supposed to, to avoid fraud).

Check with the bank to see if the other holder of the bank account is notified about the new card. If he has to be, then don't do it just yet. Wait until you're about to leave.

As for your passport, he won't find out you've applied for a new one as long as you can take the letters out the post. It may cost a bit to get a new passport issued though.

Do you have a driving license? If not, apply for a provisional (you can do it online without him knowing). You can use it as photo id, and is only £30 iirc, so much cheaper than getting a new passport.

We believe you.
Your mum probably knows but is playing along to avoid any repercussions.
Can you just go to her now? The DC might miss a few weeks of school but not much.
The DC need you far more than anything else.
If you do decide to go do remember to keep everything as normal as possible. React like you would have last week. If he thinks he's losing control then you are in much more danger.
You could ring the local police today to flag up your number with them so that they know you are at risk.

It is hard for people who haven't experienced DA to understand what it's like, so I see why you feel like you wouldn't be believed. You are believed here because we know what it's like.

Did your mum believe you when you confided in her last time? Mine said stuff like, "maybe he'll change" to be supportive when I went back, but she was immediately onside and relieved when I left (for good) the second time.

I was under nowhere near as much pressure with my H as you are, though. Wishing you strength.

You are right, you are being horrifically abused, his behaviour is not normal, is wrong and criminal.
I have no advice but hope you can listen to those who have lived this.

he's never hit me so I don't have it as bad as other women

Sweetheart, he IS like those men who hit women. You DO have it as bad as they do. Emotionally abuse, which is what you are experiencing, is domestic violence. Just as much as physical violence is.

Hello OP. I just wanted to add my voice of support.

From what you've said here you're already doing brilliantly with your escape plan. You are stronger than you think already.

Listen to different. She's spot on !

Is he at work now?

If he is get any paperwork you need,your birth certificate and the childrens if you have them close by if not you can get other birth certificates.Take your driving licence,any cash you have in the house,bank details,statements,debt details,bill details,kids passports,anything you'll need that he'll try and make disapeer and stash it all somewhere he won't be able to find it,a friends place that won't let on.

As soon as you can get yourself to the bank and tell them you card has gone missing,sort out your money.Get the new card sent somewhere else,it can be sent to the bank for you to pick up if you want.

With the passport do the same get it sent somewhere else so he doesn't know about it.

Keep any and all abusive texts,voice mall,emails,notes anything abusive keep it where he can't find it!
This is your proof this is you way of keeping him away from you once you've left you must get an injunction against him!

Have a look on womens aid they show you how to keep yourself online hidden from him and they'll show you how to get away and be safe even if you don't want to go a womens refuge.
www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CJb3y8bR7c0CFaoy0wods30KeA

I've recorded him on my phone a few times for evidence I wish I could show you or someone out of it to show how he talks to me . I can send them via text msg I think wish I could show you .
Anyway he's just come home he called me at work this morning I didn't answer and when I called back he said you could be having an affair and I will never know same old.
He came home from work about an hour ago then started having a go at me about something I posted on Facebook I can't say what it is incase in recognized but it was something I had bought myself for my birthday this weekend a girly thing really and he started going on about how I love attention (I rarely post on Facebook because of him) he was going your sad your so sad watch this week I'm going to post something on Facebook so lots of women comment I said ok then. I've left the house now he's in bed pretending to be asleep and once again giving me the silent treatment I've got to take something I got the kids back to the shops but I'm not going back till after the school run now I've got my youngest with me.
When I went up he was doing something on the phone I said what you doing he said f**# all to do with you I just walked out .
I can not go on like this everyday is bad for me :(
We're meant to be away this wkend for my bday wonder how much fun that will be.

Can't you go before the weekend Op....I know it feels better to plan and I know you are scared but everything can be sorted out and you ARE in danger.

These men have a sixth sense, the minute he senses you are breaking away from his control he will escalate his abuse and just because you can leave the house today does not mean he won't prevent you next time. Just because he never hit you does not mean he won;t...I know you know this.

You are frightened and feel trapped, I get it, WE believe you,Women's Aid will believe you, so will the police (they believed me and I had far less "evidence "than you).
You can have a restraining order to keep him away for the time.

you have no kids together you really can get rid of him forever...YES YOU CAN!

Don't give him the opportunity to "lose" your bank cards, money, id, kids stuff etc...all the things you want and need

What do you think about the suggestion to contact Women's Aid?

Fwiw my husband didn't hit me either. I was in the same position as you. Women's Aid were my saviours.

I have called before I don't know when I will get chance to call them now I went and sat in Costa with my four year old . I've had to come home to get the other children's kits for an after work activity he's still pretending to be asleep at the moment.
He's never stopped me leaving the house before . I don't know how I can leave before the weekend where would I go. I'm thinking maybe I can do something when he's away next week.
I don't think he knows he is abusive because he acts like the man in that programme but then was saying how nuts he was when he acts just like him couldn't believe it.
I wish he would just leave of his own accord he seems really unhappy and angry I'm hoping he would go by himself he has in the past but never for long. His family think the sun shines out of him and what a good man he is and he's not he's nasty don't know how anyone can be so nasty like that. I don't know what it is like to feel loved.
I've got my own bank card and money I'm self employed but he constantly asks how much money I have and asks to see my account online.
But I've got some money in a separate account that I've saved and he doesn't know about it.
When I got rid of him before I didn't cope very well I'm so used to being controlled that I felt very lost and was still on edge all the time . I was happier but it's like I felt weird not being bossed around it's hard to explain but I found it hard to function at first and sleep.
He would drive past my house and msg me asking who's car was outside and all that jazz so I was always looking out the window feeling like I was watched .
A man jump started my car a few months ago I didn't know the man he offered to help me at the side of the road when my battery died and somehow he found out and asked what I was doing I said I'm just at home because I was scared to say a man was helping me start the car and he went mad someone had told him I was standing on the roadside with another man so he started calling me all the names under the sun saying I was a liar I don't know who called him but it was weird how he knew.

I called my friend about it so she knows he's abusing me again I told her everything was ok but I've told her now I have to tell someone I've got no one to confide in about this.
I know I need to do something and I will I'm just scared and I'm scared of all the drama that is going to come after sometimes it's easier to stay because it's harder to leave if that makes sense.

I feel like taking the money the joint money and leaving sooner rather Than later I will leave the city I feel like that's what I would have to do to get away. He will hit the roof if j take all the money but what's he ever done for me

You need to plan your escape very carefully. If you don't manage to stay away again the punishment will be worse next time.

Talk to your friend again. Talk to your mum. Don't engage in discussion with him. Get some professional backing. Next time you go you have to stay gone.

I believe you. You have go. I agree with everything AF said - be careful, plan for a forever exit and keep yourself safe.

I also saw that film and it horrified me. I couldn't understand why she took him back. But it's hard to be in someone else's shoes.

Keep your courage, going will be hard but staying would be so much harder. Keep talking. People will believe you.

The money is as much yours as his, if you take it to escape you can always pay him back when you are far far away

Sorry I haven't replied back he had a massive go at me last night for my phone being on silent . I always have it on silent it's a habit I've got from when I'm at work I saw my friends face flash up and it was on silent and he looked at the phone I just thought 'oh god he's going to kick off bad' I answered it and she asked if he was there as she was obvs checking if I was ok I had that awkward call where I'm like 'yes yes' what are you doing anyway and trying to be normal.
I got off the phone and he just hit the roof bad he said I'm snidy I've got issues and why is the phone on silent and just going on and on. He said I'm hiding things and he doesn't trust me he was like I'm going through the phone I honestly was so scared I've covered my tracks on here but email is on app so if he went through that he would of seen mumsnet on there. He had a quick look but didn't see anything of interest and gave it me back and said I'm going to drive him to look at my phone everyday now because of my snidy ways apparently so I'm scared to come on here now too.
I know I have to leave and I will as soon as I get chance maybe next wkend when he goes thanks for everyone supporting me and believing me I just had to talk to someone about what I'm going through in a safe place .

broken, I really hope you get out soon and safely. No one should have to put up with this abuse and control.