Abuse I watched murdered by my boyfriend I'm in it

[broken16]

I sat and watched this the other night ironically with my boyfriend and he talked through it saying how much of a nutcase the man in it was and I watched it thinking how much he is like him.
When he's happy I'm allowed to be when he's unhappy I have to be unhappy too.
I have to send evidence of my where abouts answer my phone on the first ring or I get questioned over and over .
He doesn't hit me but the emotional abuse is draining day after day. I left him some months ago and he did the exact same routine the man on the programme did even proposing to me promising he would change blah blah it's worse than before nothing's changed.
I feel so stupid three years for me now I feel I will never break away.
He calls me stupid and tells me I don't think accused me of stealing from him out of his wallet and stares at me waiting for me to confess to something I didn't do.
Nothing I say nothing I do matters I do everything but it's never enough I try to be like him and be nasty and stand up to him nothing works.
I can't leave again it took all my strength last time silly silly me :-(

Please get out of this. It's good that you can see what's happening. Don't think that you can't do it, just tell yourself that you have to do it. Because if you don't, it's just going to get worse. If you ever have children with him, you'll just have more of a reason to put off leaving him.

Use this stag weekend. Is he on the deeds/named as a renter? If not, then change the locks while he's away. If he gets violent on his return, call the police. If you can't legally kick him out, then move out. Staying with your mother is a good idea, and if not, then find a refuge. Call women's aid for help.

If you have access to money, take it out the bank and take it with you, because as soon as he gets a whiff of you trying to stand up for yourself, he will try to control your money.

Hang in there op, and stay strong. You've realised what's happening, and it takes an enormous amount of courage to admit it. We're here for you. Remember, your children need you to be strong.

You poor thing. Please call women's aid they are so lovely to chat to. Just to hear someone say it's abuse will help you.

Please tell your mum. Would you wanr your children hiding that from you?

I've not said this before but I truly think you should get out as soon as you can. I hope that your parents will help you and that you quickly contact a women's refuge. Wishing you and your children better things.

Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 - try to call at night if you can as lines are busy during the day (that shows how many people know exactly what you're going through..). Or try your local Womens Aid here. They will help you in all ways - practically, emotionally, legally. They have heard your story countless times and they know what to do and how to do it - and how to protect you.

You need support around you, other people who know the ropes, to pull this off. MANY of us on here have done this - we know what it's like.

When you're out and safe with the help of Womens Aid, they will suggest you do the Freedom Programme which will get your head straight in record time. You can't do it now because you have to account for every minute of your life...

Soon you'll be out. You can do it with the help of Womens Aid. I'm one who got out with Womens Aid help. They are the experts.

I think you have the strength to get out again. In fact, you've just made the first step, posting here: talking about it and in the process admitting it to yourself. Now you're already thinking about how you could leave. Soon you'll be planning how to stop him wearing you down, so that you don't return this time.

You can do it, OP. The last time you left has shown you that there is no future with him, so it was worth it for that. This time you can escape for good.

Please don't be ashamed. Secrecy is the abuser's friend. It is not your shame. I feel certain if you are open and honest with someone you trust (your mum), you will get support. And support is what you need. You get used to this sort of thing, and you think it's your fault. But it's not!!!

I meant to say - your mum? I don't obviously know if she's the right person to open up to, but I hope you have someone that you trust that you can speak to

it's not your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of at all.

I hope you can pull together the strength you need, it must be so very hard xx But you deserve a better life than this, because this isn't a life.

Big hugs, I believe you can do this.

You only need to leave one more time. It took me 3 attempts. Don't be ashamed or feel stupid, he's not acting how you or any other reasonable person would expect a person to act. He's manipulated you in a horrible way and unless you've experienced it for yourself you won't understand. Just try and focus on your kids and push through the difficult leaving one more time for their sakes. After you've left you can build yourself up into the sort of person who wouldn't tolerate this abuse again. Abusers can spot vulnerability and once you are educated in red flags you'll get stronger and be so glad you left him. For now just put everything you have left into getting away from him. And be safe, leaving is the most dangerous time so when he is away for the weekend could be perfect. My ex also said that about not hitting me and he is a police sergeant so I don't think he would have in case it damaged his career but you never know. Sending strength to you.

Please leave. Take your children and some basic essentials and get out.

I haven't watched the programme you mention but I am the child of a victim. I was six years old and my dad murdered my mum and took his own life. The impact has been devastating, even 40 years plus on from there.

Just get out. Don't put your children through a life of whys and what ifs. Just get out.

And I am not posting this for sympathy and flowers, so please, keep the thread on the op. This is the reality for some kids. Some kids get murdered alongside their mums. I'm just grateful I'm still here to give warning to others.

Yes to telling your mum everything, any shame is his not yours, none of this is your fault. Are you safe online OP? Make sure you delete your history or use private browsing for this site and anywhere else you're posting or searching stuff to do with leaving if there's any chance he has access to your device, abuse can often get worse if they find out you're planning to leave. That girls story on the programme was utterly tragic but if seeing it has worked as a wake up call for you and leads to you getting out before something awful happens then at least some good has come of it. Take your opportunity when your mum moves, start again away from him and don't look back

I have posted this before OP, but I was in a relationship like this, and like you, I felt silly and ashamed and kept it all hidden. And when I finally reached the end of my tether and left (third attempt), I had a complete meltdown and told my mum. I told her everything, including that I thought I would go back but that I really didn't want to.
My mum is a small but kind of terrifying woman, and she basically became my shield. She kept him away from me, blocked his calls, deleted his messages, turned him away at the door. She was relentless until I felt stronger. I couldn't have done it without her, and she didn't hesitate for a second to defend me.
You would do that for your DC wouldn't you?

And just a thought, but maybe your mum said that maybe he'd change because she could see you were going to go back and just out rightly saying she thought you'd made a mistake would cause a distance. Maybe she's pretending along with you so that you stay close and she can keep an eye on you, make sure you're ok?

People very rarely leave and stay out on the first attempt. There is no judgement here, we'll all jail want you to be safe. Call women's aid and see if they can help you.

Don't feel ashamed...you are not to blame, he is.
Take notice of your fear...you are not silly, he is to be feared.
You were not foolish to go back, just optimistic, he told you what you needed to hear, now you know he is a liar.

It took me 12 years to realise what you have seen in just a few, take heart, you can leave. reach out to the people who will help you. Your new life is waiting for you...go and get it.

Women's Aid number won't show on a landline bill.
Make sure you stay safe an d use in private browsing.

we're all here rooting for you...you don't need to be broken forever.

OP, make sure he cannot access this thread. I hope someone comes along who can tell you how to do that, if you don't know yourself.

And yes, not your shame at all.

I can not talk right now I will reply tomorrow

All leading web browsers have a ‘private browsing’ mode that, once enabled, stores nothing about your activity on your computer. This won’t stop online services from seeing what you get up to, but it won’t leave any telltale footprints on your PC (no history, web cache or anything else) and so it’s always a useful first step to take.

Internet Explorer: Go to Safety - Tools - InPrivate Browsing.

Firefox: Click the Menu button with three horizontal lines - New Private Window.

Chrome: Click the Menu button with three horizontal lines and select New Incognito Window.

Similar options can be found in Opera and Safari.

Stay safe, broken

stay safe op. We're here when you need/want.

Thankyou for everyone responding on this thread. I wish I had stayed away from him last time it took all my strength that time but he just couldn't let me leave him not a chance. He tried everything until I had him back.
Think it was a month before he went back to how he was but he made sure he took my mom and dad out for meals and butter them up so now to me his abuse is twenty times worse as he's got pally with my parents now so I think he must think he's getting away with it.
We went out last week he was all nice at the table we went outside and he shouted down my ear saying do I like making jokes at his expense and saying I was making him look a c**# he was spitting as he said it right down my ear I started crying and he walked back Inside like nothing had happened my mom asked what was wrong when she saw me and he was like she just had to much to drink and gave me a hug all an act when we got home he locked me out my bedroom and refused to talk to me for no reason I still don't know what I did .
I'm going to leave when my mom goes I think it's the best choice for me at the moment so I have support with the kids I've got three.
We have some joint savings money not much but a couple of grand and he was talking yday about moving it into another account I kicked up a fuss about it and said lets just split the money then and put it in our own accounts but he was saying I can't be trusted with money etc etc I've got a £1000 saved of my own money at the moment which I've been saving since before we got back together. I need about 500 more to get somewhere with all the fees etc .
I'm just thinking go in November when my mom goes I don't know I want to lock him out but I'm so scared I don't think I can do that because he would harass me and everything .
I know what he does is wrong I know he won't change but walking on egg shells everyday of your life is so hard watching everything I say and everything I do so I don't upset him it's like I'm an actress.
He's a nasty person I know he's never hit me so I don't have it as bad as other women but there's always a first time he could get so confident in his abuse that he does it eventfully.
I could go in a refuge but I feel bad on the kids doing that. It's scary I don't know what to do

You know what you need to do.

Leave. Stash some cash. Can your mum save it for you? As soon as you have enough saved move to where your mum is going. Tell your mum everything now. Can you get her to change the place she is going to even if you only pretend it's somewhere else. So he can't find you?

Speak to the police about things too especially when you do go. They should have a domestic abuse officer you can chat too.

You can do this I promise xx

You poor thing. You must feel so trapped.

But you're not trapped really. I think your mum going away might be a golden opportunity.

You've done it before and you can do it again. Next time, take out a restraining order and have absolutely no contact afterwards for any reason at all.

To be honest, if you feel things are escalating then you are not safe. You can't leave quickly enough in my opinion, for the safety of yourself and your children, who don't deserve this man in their lives.

Going into a refuge doesn't have to be scary. If you go that route, you might find there is greater safety for you and more support for you and the children in the early days, not to mention other women for moral support.

There's no doubt in my mind that you would be safer and further along in your journey if you went to a refuge now, rather than suffering on your own and dreading what's to come for a number of months.

Can you really wait until November OP? This sounds like hell for you I would give women's aid a ring and see how they can support you to leave sooner. Stay safe

Have you started to get any paperwork in order so.copies of bank statements, passports etc or does he restrict your access to that type of thing?

I.hope you get out quickly enough for your sake and your kids.

This always breaks my heart. If I had a daughter, which I may well do one day, I would want her to be happy & not rely on some idiot for security. Happy kids are with mummy's n daddy's who are happy. Whether that's together or separate. It would upset me so much if my daughter thought she had to live like that. We've been fighting for equality & I really do believe woman don't need a man! You CAN do this, just need a bit of self belief. Your much better than this pathetic man & you have your own children to think about. Only you can get the ball rolling. Take control of your own life, before your children grow up where there mum isn't respected. You all deserve better!! Go and enjoy some time with your little ones with out him. Remember there's so much more to life! Your stronger than him ! Sorry but it just makes me so cross. Your a bloody human fgs. You are just as capable of taking care of yourself & your children alone. Make him feel like the silly twat he's being & tell him to do one. (Sorry I know none of this is easy, it's just I hate people thinking there's no way out or it's not better alone) it really will be xxxxx thinking of you!