Shocking discovery on dating app.

[SurfBored73]

Need some guidance and advice from a female point of view.

I occasionally use a fairly popular dating app which has a bit of a reputation for hook-ups (it's not Tinder). I haven't used it for ages but had a look last night and found in the 'Friends' section that my profile had been linked via Facebook to someone I know so I was able to see their dating profile.

I didn't knowingly make the link but that's not important. What is important is that the other person is my brother-in-law.

I can read his profile and it states he is looking to date, lives alone and is in an open relationship. He's not. He's married to my sister in what appears to be a very happy family with two children. He does, however, work away from home a lot.

I'm somewhat surprised and pretty angry and I've been agonising about what to do about it.

I think the options are:

A) Go directly to my sister and tell her what I found (devastating)
B) Contact him and ask for an explanation
C) Do nothing and forever view him with an evil eye

One of the photos on his profile is with his top off so no doubting the intent. The photos look about three years old but that's not an indication of a timeline.

Oddly though, my profile is also linked to his so if he has used the app recently he MUST know that I know.

What should I do?

If I meet with him I can watch his body language and ask to see the apps and hidden apps on his phone. I will not let him wriggle out of it. I have no intention of treating him lightly
But if you do this, you deny your sister the opportunity to do it. Shouldn't that be her right? You're putting your need for satisfaction about this before her needs. As is he by the sounds of it. What a lucky woman, eh?

The people I have discussed it with (not gossipped, discussed) live in a different country and do not see them very often. It's not as if it would slip out over Sunday lunch.

Feck, I am managing to pick my way through the spikes in your comments and I don't disagree with you. But I am and looking down the barrel of the gun and trying to keep the casualty count down, spefically their family. We come from a broken home and the breakup of our parents fucked us both up. Maybe I am trying to protect their children and give him a chance to keep them together, an opportunity that my parents never availed themselves of?

If it was a long time ago and she knows everything, you'll do little harm. She deserves to be able to make her own choices. Please just tell her.

Email sent. Bless her.

It's a horrible situation. I do think you've done the right thing.

I do hope things will be sorted the best way possible.

You have absolutely no right to meet with him and discuss her marriage issues without her knowledge. What a massive intrusion - that would definitely make you the bad guy and she would focus her fury on you. And I wouldn't blame her one bit.

Abyssinian, I wouldn't be discussing their marriage issues, I would have been asking him what the fuck he thought he was playing at. And why would I have no right to discuss his marriage, anyway? I know for a fact my life has been talking point for him over the years. Are you suggesting family members shouldn't talk to each other?

You've done the right thing sending an email. I just hope you didn't do it anonymously as that's an awful idea.

Only you know your sister and only you know how it's best handled especially with your family history . You are doing the right thing and what's in your heart . Good luck x

You've told her? Good.

Who did you send the email to OP? Not clear.

I feel sorry for Her thst you are all keeping this from her.

She is the only person to decide what to do with this infomation

Imagine how this woman will feel when it dawns that she is the last to know

Horrible

Email sent to my sister. She is fully informed. I have not contacted him.

You need to message him and say 'omg what you doing on here??????????????? Lol'......And just see how he responds. Then depending if he gets offensive you can tell your sis. They may have an open relationship.

Good luck... You did the right thing, let us know what she says back. Xxxxxxx

You did the right thing OP. Hope this thread was useful counsel.

I'm glad you've told her OP.

What would have worried me is if you'd left it and he was having sex with other people he could pass something on.
For that reason alone the sooner your sister knew the better.

I hope she's okay and don't forget if she does have ago at you it's just the shock talking,you've done the right thing and if it was me I'd hope my brother would do the same for me.

OP, without meaning to pry, are you male and is the app grinder or similar? I can totally understand your hesitation if you are revealing not only potential infidelity but also an aspect of his sexuality that your DSis may be completely unaware of.

Batman, pmsl. Yes I am and no it isn't.

This is the final post. She has replied and said thank you.

I, in turn, need to thank you all (yes, even you Feck) and I'm sorry for not taking your advice sooner. The situation has developed obviously but it's no longer for sharing.

Be good everyone.

You have no right discussing some else's marriage problems without their knowledge. You are not married to this person, you had no idea they renewed their marriage vows, you have no idea if they have an open marriage - because your sister also believes it's none of your bloody business!

Are you this obtuse in RL? I'm a stranger and I don't know you - but based on your own writing - I find it difficult not to wonder if the rift in your current relationship was caused by something you've said or done. I'm sorry if that comes across harshly, but maybe you need to think about how to support your sister, instead of trying to "fix" things. I think that's why the pp wonders if you're male.

Cross posted. Well that was time wasted. Good luck.