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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocking discovery on dating app.

101 replies

SurfBored73 · 11/07/2016 19:19

Need some guidance and advice from a female point of view.

I occasionally use a fairly popular dating app which has a bit of a reputation for hook-ups (it's not Tinder). I haven't used it for ages but had a look last night and found in the 'Friends' section that my profile had been linked via Facebook to someone I know so I was able to see their dating profile.

I didn't knowingly make the link but that's not important. What is important is that the other person is my brother-in-law.

I can read his profile and it states he is looking to date, lives alone and is in an open relationship. He's not. He's married to my sister in what appears to be a very happy family with two children. He does, however, work away from home a lot.

I'm somewhat surprised and pretty angry and I've been agonising about what to do about it.

I think the options are:

A) Go directly to my sister and tell her what I found (devastating)
B) Contact him and ask for an explanation
C) Do nothing and forever view him with an evil eye

One of the photos on his profile is with his top off so no doubting the intent. The photos look about three years old but that's not an indication of a timeline.

Oddly though, my profile is also linked to his so if he has used the app recently he MUST know that I know.

What should I do?

OP posts:
champagneplanet · 11/07/2016 20:53

If you tell her be careful as it may genuinely be an old profile, depending on how long they have been together. You said yourself you haven't been on it for a while, he may say the same thing. I think id make light of it and say 'found this he must have forgotten to remove it' kind of way. She can do her own digging from there and if it transpires he's not being unfaithful then you haven't accused him of anything. That is unless you have reason to suspect him....

thefourgp · 11/07/2016 20:54

Tell her. Do not discuss with him or anyone else. Your loyalty is to her not him. Plus you're not doing her any favours by giving him the heads up and time to cover his tracks on any e-mails, texts, call history etc that she may find. Gently tell her she needs to get tested for sti's and std's regardless what he does or doesn't admit to doing. Ignore any critism about getting involved. This situation is totally his fault, not yours.

crazybat · 11/07/2016 20:58

Can't you slip it in to convo?

You never told me you were in an open relationship! Wink

blinkowl · 11/07/2016 20:58

Don't tell him first, you're giving the power to him.

He's already proved he's a cheat and a liar and does not have your sister's best interests or happiness at heart.

Why would you trust him to deal with it in a decent way? If there are cracks in your relationship with your sister what's to say he won't make them much worse?

Go to your sister. Don't open up a can of worms with him. Let your sister decide how to deal with it.

talksensetome · 11/07/2016 20:59

You need to tell her. I dont speak to my sister but would tell her this.

crayfish · 11/07/2016 21:02

Well if you and your sister are usually close then you definitely need to tell her. Just be straight with her, tell her the facts and let her decide what to do. Don't start off all dramatic or anything, just say what you have found and that you wanted to make sure she knew.

If she is in a open relationship then no problem.

ladybagpuss · 11/07/2016 21:06

Could you preface it with something like: 'I know we're not getting on at the moment particularly well, but I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt' and then tell her?

All the best, very tough situation.

maddening · 11/07/2016 21:06

Is. Your mum around - what is her relationship with dsis like?

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 11/07/2016 21:07

TELL YOUR SISTER. My brother told me about an incident which led to me slinging exH out. I will always be grateful to my brother.

maddening · 11/07/2016 21:07

Ps ladybagpus' post makes sense

birdbandit · 11/07/2016 21:07

I would send anonymously to your sister, saying something along the lines of "your business is your own, but if I could see this, then other people could, if their "open marriage" is a secret, he should be more careful." That way, if it is open, all good, if not, they can deal with it in private. Especially if you and your sisters relationship isn't brilliant.

Becky546 · 11/07/2016 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TransformersRobotsInDaSky · 11/07/2016 21:08

What ladybagpuss said.

birdbandit · 11/07/2016 21:08

I agree definitely don't talk to him first, your sister will feel you were complicit, ganging up with him to deceive her.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 11/07/2016 21:11

I totally agree with blinkowl

EarthboundMisfit · 11/07/2016 21:12

Oh, as it's your sister, whether or not you get on, just tell her now.

Hissy · 11/07/2016 21:13

What do think this will do to your relationship with your sister WHEN this all comes to light and she happens to find out you knew?

Tell her. Yes it's shit. But so is not telling her. But it's wrong and shit not to tell her.

dungandbother · 11/07/2016 21:13

Whilst not quite the same I had similar with my BF husband. And we are as close as sisters (I have a sister, she is an only).

I let someone else deal with it and her H wriggled out of it. Leading to two more years and a terrible break up in the end.

She says in hindsight she wished I had told her.

I thought it had been dealt with by his wriggling. I was assured it had been.

Once a cheater.......

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 11/07/2016 21:15

I would present the screenshot to my sister saying there's no judgement but this came up on my profile and I didn't feel I could ignore it. Then make no further comment as it's for her to decide.

When I say no further comment, offer support if needed and then withdraw.

cosytoaster · 11/07/2016 21:17

No brainer - option A and asap

trafalgargal · 11/07/2016 21:18

What would you want your sister to do if the situation was reversed ?

ohtheholidays · 11/07/2016 21:19

Take the proof and tell her now and before this thread ends up in the sodding newspapers as well.

Original poster
SurfBored73 · 11/07/2016 21:33

OK. Thanks one and all, I appreciate your thoughts.

I can't sit on this any longer so will email her tonight.

Apres moi, le deluge.

OP posts:
purplefox · 11/07/2016 21:44

Send her a screenshot. You wouldn't be the one breaking up the marriage.

evelynj · 11/07/2016 22:18

Another vote for don't tell him, tell her. Also he may already know you know since you're connected on it via fb or whatever but she deserves the upper hand. & time to process the info if she wants before acting.

Can you see when he last logged on there?

Is it possible to meet her rather than email?just lay out the facts & make sure she knows you've got her back & happy to butt out or put her up or whatever she needs, good luck