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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocking discovery on dating app.

101 replies

SurfBored73 · 11/07/2016 19:19

Need some guidance and advice from a female point of view.

I occasionally use a fairly popular dating app which has a bit of a reputation for hook-ups (it's not Tinder). I haven't used it for ages but had a look last night and found in the 'Friends' section that my profile had been linked via Facebook to someone I know so I was able to see their dating profile.

I didn't knowingly make the link but that's not important. What is important is that the other person is my brother-in-law.

I can read his profile and it states he is looking to date, lives alone and is in an open relationship. He's not. He's married to my sister in what appears to be a very happy family with two children. He does, however, work away from home a lot.

I'm somewhat surprised and pretty angry and I've been agonising about what to do about it.

I think the options are:

A) Go directly to my sister and tell her what I found (devastating)
B) Contact him and ask for an explanation
C) Do nothing and forever view him with an evil eye

One of the photos on his profile is with his top off so no doubting the intent. The photos look about three years old but that's not an indication of a timeline.

Oddly though, my profile is also linked to his so if he has used the app recently he MUST know that I know.

What should I do?

OP posts:
NatalieRushman · 11/07/2016 22:28

I'm glad you're telling her. I'd want to know. If it helps, I think you're doing the right thing.

Mais tout les déluges ont un fin.

ukdeedpoll · 11/07/2016 22:31

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PoisonWitch · 11/07/2016 22:48

Good luck OP

coco1810 · 11/07/2016 23:26

Wow! Can honestly say if it was my BIL I would be storming down the motorway to confront him face to face. I also know that regardless of whether my relationship with my sister was rocky, I would sit her down and tell her the truth.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 12/07/2016 17:28

How did it go OP?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2016 17:32

I really would like to know what sort of dating app links one's profile to another Confused. What does that even mean?

SandyY2K · 12/07/2016 18:02

You could send the screen shots to her anonymously as you aren't so close with a note.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 12/07/2016 18:14

I'm pleased you are going to tell your sister.

I always think the "maybe they're in an open relationship" thing is a bit of a red herring. I think people warning you that your partner might be cheating on you is a bit of an occupational hazard for poly people.

My boyfriend's on dating sites. As am I. I wouldn't take offence if someone felt the need to tell me.

And in this instance, he's quite possibly a lying bastard anyway.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 12/07/2016 18:15

And I'm also curious to know what dating app it is. Linking to FB contacts sounds like a terrible idea.

Original poster
SurfBored73 · 12/07/2016 18:17

I haven't yet contacted my sister. I didn't want to rush into something that I would regret so had a long, long chat with a female from inside the family and then my dad and I'm glad I held back. They mentioned that my sister and BIL had recently been away to renew their marriage vows (I wasn't aware due to the NC situation between us).

In my view it doesn't really detract from what he did regardless of how long ago it may have been.

She lives a long way away so no chance of a face to face with her but I will be close to where he works next week so considering asking him for a meeting. At the very least I'd like to rip his balls off give him a piece of my mind or ask him to take the bloody profile down. Twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
SurfBored73 · 12/07/2016 18:19

And yes, the linking of friends is absurd. I've unlinked it on mine but he keeps coming back, it most disturbing.

OP posts:
itmustbemyage · 12/07/2016 18:30

My family found out something about my then partner and agonised about telling me (it wasn't dating related) my sister volunteered to tell me. I was a bit NC with them for a while as I needed time to work it out I split up with my partner in the end, it was totally his behaviour that broke us up not my family we are as close a family now as we were before, my sister did me a big favour cause she knew I would want to know.

FeckArseIndustries · 12/07/2016 18:39

For God's sake, what's wrong with you? Why on earth are you denying your sister the right to make her own decision about her marriage? You think you're angry at him? You have NO right - she has the right to be angry with him, but you're preventing her from knowing about it.

Renewing the wedding vows often happens after cheating is discovered and they say sorry it was a mistake, let's try again. If she's already given him one chance, she should really be given the whole story.

Please, please stop selfishly stalling, don't tell him yourself, grow some balls immediately and send the info to your sister now.

Original poster
SurfBored73 · 12/07/2016 18:52

Did I come here to be called selfish or did I come here to present a reasoned dilemma that I was seeking help over? Less of the mudslinging and more of the useful comments, please.

OP posts:
Original poster
SurfBored73 · 12/07/2016 18:53

And I have every right to be angry with him.

OP posts:
EverythingWillBeFine · 12/07/2016 18:59

From that profile, can you see if he us using the site? Could you fur example, crate a Faldo profile and seek him out?
If he us answering it if you can see when is the just to d he has used the site (ish) then it will tell you what to do.

It's all very well that they renew their wows and are trying fur a new start but your dsis is trying thinking y has happened when actually she us dealing with xx, what do you think will happen? And would it be of any help for her?

thefourgp · 12/07/2016 19:02

You've told two other family members and you're now going to give him a heads up so he can destroy any evidence. I honestly think you're taking pleasure from making this into a bigger drama. Gossiping with other people before telling her just increases her humiliation - it doesn't benefit her in any way. Cheaters often make big declarations of commitment to counteract the guilt. The vow renewals could mean nothing.

FeckArseIndustries · 12/07/2016 19:04

Did you come here for the advice? Because if you did, it's unanimous, but you haven't followed it. You've done the exact opposite.

Yu have no right to be angry with him.

  1. He is hiding his infidelity from his sister - so are you.
  2. He never made or broke any vows to you, he made them (and renewed them) to your sister and broke them.
FruitCider · 12/07/2016 19:10

I would google 10 minute email addresses and screenshot the whole of his profile and send it to her. Then you have told her anonymously, she can do with the information what she wishes.

Itsaplayonwords · 12/07/2016 19:11

I can understand your reticence to be the bearer of bad news OP but I honestly think it's better coming from you and now that two other people know about this it's even more important. What if your Dad lets slip that he knew and that you were the one who told him. I know you're not in the best place with your sister at the moment but you said yourself that that's most likely temporary. I'd give your sister a call and tell her the facts of what you've found, tell her you're sorry and that you're there for her if she needs you and leave it at that.

bittapitta · 12/07/2016 19:13

Please tell her before him! If you tell him first he has a chance to wriggle out of it, remove evidence, gaslight your sister into thinking you are shitstirring ! Awful situation but you need to keep it simple, just send her the screenshot with brief explanation.

thefourgp · 12/07/2016 19:22

I think you have a right to be angry with him. He's probably betrayed someone you love. However you could tell her, they sort things out and she now has the embarrassment of other members of the family knowing. It's unlikely they both won't tell others and that doesn't benefit her in any way. If she wants others to know it should be her telling them, not you.

Pigeon314 · 12/07/2016 19:28

I agree with ladybagpuss. preface it with ''although we don't always enjoy each other's company as much I wish we did, you're my sister and I can't sit by and do nothing'' so that she knows it's not shit stirring.

Original poster
SurfBored73 · 12/07/2016 19:32

Thanks for those responses that managed it without the insults.

Remember, there is no evidence that he has actually committed infidelity. The profile, albeit deplorable, isn't sufficient to prove where his dick has been.

Also remember, I cannot establish a timestamp; the profile could be four years old and this may be an old wound for them that they don't want to re-open. Yes, I know that it still being there isn't good.

I am currently working on assumptions alone. If I meet with him I can watch his body language and ask to see the apps and hidden apps on his phone. I will not let him wriggle out of it. I have no intention of treating him lightly.

OP posts:
FruitCider · 12/07/2016 19:33

If you approach him he will wiggle out of it. That's a bad idea.