too scared to report dv attack ( unpleasant details of injuries)

[metoo72]

Hi

Five weeks ago I was viciously assaulted twice in one night by my partner. I don't know what the protocol is for posting details about assaults - I do know that since I was hurt, every time domestic violence is mentioned, on the tv, in papers etc. I find it very stressful, so I don't want to upset or offend anyone who might be in a similar or worse situation. I do know the injuries I suffered are much less serious than those inflicted on some women but I desperately need advice.

After saying goodbye to friends after spending a nice night out, my partner who was very drunk, pushed me over onto my back in a car park, there had been no argument preceding this, but there had been some stress in the relationship for the month or so before after I discovered that he had lied both to me (about the person he was) and about me in order to shift blame to me for something he had done. By my own admission, although we hadn't argued about this I had gone on like a broken record, asking why he had lied to me and about me - mainly because I didn't understand how a partner could do that. I'd also told him a few home truths about his behaviour - he told me this put him under great stress. We have been together for three years and in that time there has been no serious violence although there was an occasion where he kicked me multiple times bruising my leg and another time when he shoved me. On this occasion I ended up with black bruised elbows, cuts to my hands from the gravel and feeling very battered and bruised. I was obviously upset and shouted at him to go away and leave me alone - he took a taxi back home. After wandering around in shock for a while I stupidly did the same.

I had been through the door only a few minutes and was still wearing my coat when my partner launched himself at me and knocked me to the floor in the hall by the front door. He was on top of me, grabbed my head (by my hair I think) and slammed it into the skirting board. We have very large oak skirting boards. I remember feeling dizzy and sick and knowing that something wasn't quite right with the side of my head. I tried to lift my head to tell him this, I remember it being very hard to do because in retrospect I know I was concussed..I managed to lift my head a few inches at which point he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head down two or three times into the floor. I know I blacked out for a short time. When I came to and struggled to get up I noticed a large dark patch on the carpet and remember at first being very confused about what it was until realising it was blood. I managed to crawl away to the end of the hallway by the bathroom and just lay curled up on the floor - I know I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I don't know how long I was there, maybe 15 minutes. When i managed to lift my head I saw that my partner was by the front door trying to clean up the blood from the floor and the wall where there were bloody hand prints (i'd touched my head before using the wall to haul myself up). I know it sounds pathetic, but I haven't had a head injury before and I didn't know how much the scalp can bleed and I thought I was on my way out...I remember asking to go to hospital and also asking my partner to tell my Mum I loved her. I think I blacked out again and recall my partner calmly removing my boots, putting them in their usual place and the returning to cleaning. I have no idea why he would remove my boots and he since says that although he remembers cleaning up the blood he cannot remember removing my boots. He has also since said that he was cleaning up the blood due to being in a state of shock and when we saw a counsellor together a few weeks after the attack, she said this can happen.

I finally managed stress that i wanted to go to hospital enough that he could help me and he called an uber taxi on my phone. We went together to the hospital but once there I said I wanted to go in myself. I stupidly lied and said that I had fallen over while drunk and the wound in the side of my head was glued / stitched.

The next day I was very fragile and had bruising and pain all over my body from being pushed or held down, my throat was very sore from being grabbed and remained so for a week or two although there was no bruising to the throat. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover physically and in this time I visited my GP to check the huge lump on the back of my head (because of the amount of blood on the side of my head i hadn't even realised the back of my head was injured when I went to A and E and they didn't check that area) and told her the truth.

I know this sounds pathetic. I know this post and me being here and eating dinner and watching tv with my partner after the attack and not reporting it sounds like a joke and I have no excuse or sensible reason for not leaving...I can't explain it myself.

I have called the domestic violence helpline and spoken to my GP and as I have gradually started to come out of shock and realise that he has committed a serious crime I am feeling such an anger. Some of this anger has come out verbally...eg 'how could you leave me lying there' 'why did you do it' etc etc. again I have gone on like a broken record because I am struggling to understand but because this stresses him, now I feel like I am emotionally abusing him!.

Two weeks ago I was struggling to try and accept what had happened and I said that I wished I could report the assault. My partner immediately called his older sister. I have posted to mumsnet before and ironically it was about this older sister bullying me. I don't know whether I sound unhinged to be suddenly having problems with two people in the space of a year but in all honesty I am well over thirty, have lived with more than one partner since leaving home and I have never before had any conflict either with them, their families or friends..I've never fallen out with anyone at work or been over sensitive.

The older sister immediately called my partners parents and gave them the impression that the violence went both ways. I know this because my partners mum immediately called him and she has quite a loud voice so i could hear what she was saying...i also spoke to her myself and she said the sister said we had been 'fighting' not only did the sister give her parents this impression but she invented an imaginary story about why we were arguing (there had been no argument).

At the moment I seem to be swinging between anger (and wanting to report what happened) and fear. Although i am not physically afraid of my partners sister I am frightened of her emotionally - for most of last week I developed a paranoia that I myself would end up in prison if she invented stories about me being the aggressor. I know this sounds insane, however I can only imagine its part of me being a stupid pathetic deluded victim and in shock - I have also become isolated from friends and family and have no one close by at all. Another strange thing was that despite my injuries (I now have a ringing in my ear that wont go away and constant nausea and nightmares) I seem to have become more fixated on trying to understand why my partner did this and what issues he might have, than my own safety. I also became very concerned about the fact this parents and been lied to by the sister and asked him to call them and explain that there was no provocation - I dont know why I give a Sh@? about what they think - i don't...but it was more the being lied about. Even I know that my concern should be my safety and not what the family of my attacker think and I can't explain it.

My partner did call his parents to set them straight - he didnt admit to the full assault but said he had pushed me in an argument and I'd fallen... after this his mum asked me to come to lunch and his dad told my partner 'these things happen'. Neither apologized for what had happened to me. My partner said that this is because they didn't know how to deal with the situation. They seem very much more concerned with him.

I'm worried that if I report the assault my partners family will try and cover for him...he is practically middle aged, but they treat him like a hapless child who has a lot of stress...he was married some years ago and had an affair and even then they treated him like the poor victim. My partner is very quiet and shy and apparently gentle in public....and I am scared that no one will believe me if I report the attack - or that the sister who seems to hate me for no apparent reason will lie. Im scared she might say I threatened him or attacked him..this makes me feel so victimised and I'm struggling to accept the unfairness because during the attack i didn't even have a chance to defend myself and certainly didn't hurt him.

I just wondered if anyone else had felt fear about report an attack due to the threat of not being believed. I suffered from slight depression last year after being ill with a thyroid illness and did ask the GP for anti depressants - I'm worried this will be dragged up and they will make me look like some kind of nutter.

Due to the attack I asked my partner to go to counselling...he has been alone and we've been together. I think the counsellor is blaming the attack on my partners anxiety. In the joint session my partner was honest with the therapist and told her the full details of the attack.

I know all this sounds stupid...I know people will say to walk away or man up and I agree...I never thought I'd be so pathetic. But the intimidation feel from this family is bigger than my confidence and the possibility that as a victim i myself might be accused of something I haven't done or being accused of emotional abuse myself (i had moaned on and on about my partner lying to me and this is what led him to be so stressed) frightens me so much I can hardly sleep. I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[FurryTurnip]

Please go, right now. It will escalate. He will kill you. Nothing else matters but your safety. X

[EttaJ]

I cried for you reading your post . I see you've had some wonderful advice OP. Next time he may kill you and there will be a next time. Leave. What his family think of you is irrelevant. Your life is more important than that. Please please leave. 💐

[cheesecadet]

desmondo I've PM you

[FantasticButtocks]

You have been suffering from the shock of this horrific trauma for five weeks, that's why you haven't reported it yet. But you say in your heart you want to report it now. Now is the right time. Could you print your OP and take it with you to the Dv unit of the police?

This was very very serious indeed, anything more serious would have involved your death or permanent disablement. You say you know others have endured more serious injuries - yet you have been throttled, kicked, rendered unconscious by a man who tried to cover up the evidence rather than help you. It doesn't actually get much more serious and you have every right to report him. And you can do this.

[heyday]

Please stop getting into conversations with him or any of his family about this violent assault. You won't get anywhere with it but you are very likely to inflame his anger again and you could be very seriously hurt again. Keep quiet at all costs whilst you make arrangements to get out of this relationship urgently. Contact the support services mentioned above. It's not worth trying to make sense of this assault....its impossible to make sense of madness.

[WingsToFly]

His family seem to act as a unit, especially how they swung into action when he immediately rang his sister after you said you wanted to report his assault. This attack didn't come out of the blue and his family played a part in progressively grooming you to not see the assault objectively now - the bullying from his sister, for example, was all part of the context. As part of this, you became gradually more isolated over a period of time, so that by the time of his assault, you more readily see things through their lens of reality - that, 'these things happen' and so on.

It will only start to unravel (and I promise you it will) after you get away from them, it's like having been brainwashed.

Another one who cried reading your posts and who feels some urgency about you getting to safety. Please do this

[SandyY2K]

Once again OP, must police stations have a domestic violence unit and you can specifically request that a female officer contacts you.

Client confidentiality won't allow the counsellor to divulge what he said during the session unless with his specific agreement/authorisation. The therapist would be in breach and get in trouble.

This is not a relationship you should be in. Stuff his family and his middle class background. He's a danger to women and specifically to you at the moment.

The best thing you can do is get far away from him and speak to your DV officer promptly.

[Simatmum]

Police DV units usually have an answerphone for you to leave a message and they will phone you back, unless you tell them it's not safe to phone you whilst you're at home. Better to get out of that house and then do the talking to police from a place of safety. They will treat you sensitively and deal with your immediate need for somewhere to stay before getting into taking statements.

[metoo72]

thank you everyone for your posts - that you have taken the time to do this means the world. I know other women are in this situation but I feel crushed and as if me and my rights are evaporating. I know the world is not a fair place and that it is likely this person will come in all guns blazing with his family behind him if I report it and Im worried I will be accused of inciting the violence by stressing him out when I objected to his lies..his friends have known him since uni as a shy and anxious man and i know group mentality will mean they gang up if I report it. Its one against many. I feel wanting to report it and wanting 'justice' makes me a bad person - as if needing 'revenge' makes me cruel..i dont knwo what to feel anymore, i feel guilty about enforcing my rights. I noticed one reply from a police lady and I will PM her.

[Simatmum]

Bottom line? Get the hell out of there before he does it again. Don't report him - just keep yourself safe. You won't have his family claiming you're lying. Can you live with knowing he's violent in relationships and might do this to the next unsuspecting woman he meets?

[GruffaloPants]

He gave you a brain injury. You are still suffering the effects. He is determined to minimise it.

Stay strong. What other people think doesn't matter. You know what happened. You don't have to stay. You can't fix him. He doesn't even want to be fixed.

[nilbyname]

But you don't have to report it right this second, what you must do as a matter or urgency is leave.

Leave. The. House. And. Don't. Look. Back.

Then when you are feeling safer and stronger... Report.

Can you stay with a friend?

[thisisafakename]

Yes, i echo what a previous poster said. Just please get the hell away from this dangerous man before you become one of the statistics. You can worry about pressing charges later. For now, you need to ensure that you are safe and you can do this by getting advice from a domestic violence charity like Women's Aid. It might mean moving away from the area, but you need to think about yourself and put yourself first. Cut all ties with this monster and don't look back. Worry about reporting at a later stage.

[IJustLostTheGame]

Once you are away from this cunt you never need to deal with his family ever again. And they will choose and believe him over you. It's horrid and unfair and undeserved on your part. But like I said before, you will never need to deal with them again.

Report him. Him saying you wind him up is no defence, and an admittance of guilt.

And please please go back to your GP and continue being honest. Nausea and headaches after head trauma could be serious.

This is not you. It's him. But you can't change it, only escape it.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Yes, but you have recorded proof of your physical injuries.

The authorities are not stupid, they see supposedly 'lovely' shy anxious - wouldn't say boo to a goose 'respectable' middle class types every day.

If his family are so good at protecting him/enabling him - how do you really know what has happened in his past - you don't?

At the moment he has got away with GBH, so next time it's going to be a lot worse.

I am sorry to say (I truly am), given time he won't respect you for staying with him because he will see you as weak - another thing for him to hate and resent you for.

[OliviaBenson]

My DH suffers from stress, he also had a difficult childhood. He doesn't however beat me up and give me a head injury.

So what if he claims stress, nothing justifies what he did to you and people will see that.

If you don't feel you can report this yet, please just leave him. Xx

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

.i dont knwo what to feel anymore, i feel guilty about enforcing my rights. I noticed one reply from a police lady and I will PM her.

Ok. Don't do it to enforce your rights. Do it to save him from being convicted of murder in the future. Because he quite easily could have killed you this time and he may kill you in the future. Or kill someone else.

[DelphiniumBlue]

I read your post this morning. It's now evening, and you're still posting about whether you'll be believed, what his family might think.
Every single poster on here has asked you to get yourself to a place of safety. That's because we can all see that you are in danger NOW. Pick up you bag, walk out. Just go. Don't ask him, don't tell him, just get out while you still can. You've already had a serious head injury. You could have died.
Get out, please.

[meowli]

Please leave him. The violence will only get worse. He has , as far as he's concerned at the moment, got away with the most savage attack on you.

The fact that things have returned to 'normal' for him means that he will be able to reconcile himself to his actions and minimise them - they can't have been that bad, you're fine - no lasting damage, you haven't left him. All of this will be making him feel that even when he launches an attack, which releases all of his pent up aggression, temporarily making him feel better, there are no consequences for him.

The next time, he won't stop at the boundary which he has already crossed, he will go further.

[WingsToFly]

OP he and his family and friends loom so large to you now because you've been isolated from other points of view. Atm you're also intimidated by how plausible he seems to the outside world. But this is just now, while you're in it. They wont seem so large or all encompassing once you leave. They're not big to the police, to the other posters here, to women's aid or anyone else outside the situation. It's just how it's been made to fill your reality. The police do not consult his friends or family. They haven't got the power they seem to you to have. Please know this

[AmberNectarine]

This man will kill you if you stay.

Please run and never look back.

If you don't want to report it, for whatever reason, don't. But get the fuck out of there.

[galaxygirl45]

I think the very fact that you've posted this means you know deep down that his behaviour is very very wrong, and you need to do something about it. A man who can do this to you doesn't love you. You mention his family a lot, but what about yours? And you mention friends. If you do one thing after reading all these comments, tell someone who loves you. And they will help you, you don't have to cope with this on your own. You've been so brave telling everyone here, and telling your GP so i've got great faith that you can do this. Reporting him is the least of the concerns right now, you just need to get somewhere safe and stay there. Literally one step at a time. Good luck xx

[bigbumbrunette]

The very first thing you MUST do is get out. No warning, no words, just go. Somewhere safe, away from this monster. The person who was cleaning up your blood not through shock but through covering his tracks. You're tieing yourself up in knots about his family/friends when they matter not one jot! You have evidence of your injuries, you have your statement, none of the other people or their opinions matter.
My husband is a Police Officer and just read this and his reply is 'next step death'.
If you're in the Met Police area please pm me and he'll help.
But please get yourself to safety.

[sanmiguelmakesmewell]

He could have killed when he attacked you. He didn't. You have a second chance. Use it to get away. Fuck everyone else. You only get one life.
Take care

[sanmiguelmakesmewell]

Please don't be texting in a week or a month with further injuries. From a wheelchair. From a hospital.
This sounds harsh but your life is gonna get very harsh if you stick around. He sounds like a very dangerous man.