too scared to report dv attack ( unpleasant details of injuries)

[metoo72]

Hi

Five weeks ago I was viciously assaulted twice in one night by my partner. I don't know what the protocol is for posting details about assaults - I do know that since I was hurt, every time domestic violence is mentioned, on the tv, in papers etc. I find it very stressful, so I don't want to upset or offend anyone who might be in a similar or worse situation. I do know the injuries I suffered are much less serious than those inflicted on some women but I desperately need advice.

After saying goodbye to friends after spending a nice night out, my partner who was very drunk, pushed me over onto my back in a car park, there had been no argument preceding this, but there had been some stress in the relationship for the month or so before after I discovered that he had lied both to me (about the person he was) and about me in order to shift blame to me for something he had done. By my own admission, although we hadn't argued about this I had gone on like a broken record, asking why he had lied to me and about me - mainly because I didn't understand how a partner could do that. I'd also told him a few home truths about his behaviour - he told me this put him under great stress. We have been together for three years and in that time there has been no serious violence although there was an occasion where he kicked me multiple times bruising my leg and another time when he shoved me. On this occasion I ended up with black bruised elbows, cuts to my hands from the gravel and feeling very battered and bruised. I was obviously upset and shouted at him to go away and leave me alone - he took a taxi back home. After wandering around in shock for a while I stupidly did the same.

I had been through the door only a few minutes and was still wearing my coat when my partner launched himself at me and knocked me to the floor in the hall by the front door. He was on top of me, grabbed my head (by my hair I think) and slammed it into the skirting board. We have very large oak skirting boards. I remember feeling dizzy and sick and knowing that something wasn't quite right with the side of my head. I tried to lift my head to tell him this, I remember it being very hard to do because in retrospect I know I was concussed..I managed to lift my head a few inches at which point he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head down two or three times into the floor. I know I blacked out for a short time. When I came to and struggled to get up I noticed a large dark patch on the carpet and remember at first being very confused about what it was until realising it was blood. I managed to crawl away to the end of the hallway by the bathroom and just lay curled up on the floor - I know I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I don't know how long I was there, maybe 15 minutes. When i managed to lift my head I saw that my partner was by the front door trying to clean up the blood from the floor and the wall where there were bloody hand prints (i'd touched my head before using the wall to haul myself up). I know it sounds pathetic, but I haven't had a head injury before and I didn't know how much the scalp can bleed and I thought I was on my way out...I remember asking to go to hospital and also asking my partner to tell my Mum I loved her. I think I blacked out again and recall my partner calmly removing my boots, putting them in their usual place and the returning to cleaning. I have no idea why he would remove my boots and he since says that although he remembers cleaning up the blood he cannot remember removing my boots. He has also since said that he was cleaning up the blood due to being in a state of shock and when we saw a counsellor together a few weeks after the attack, she said this can happen.

I finally managed stress that i wanted to go to hospital enough that he could help me and he called an uber taxi on my phone. We went together to the hospital but once there I said I wanted to go in myself. I stupidly lied and said that I had fallen over while drunk and the wound in the side of my head was glued / stitched.

The next day I was very fragile and had bruising and pain all over my body from being pushed or held down, my throat was very sore from being grabbed and remained so for a week or two although there was no bruising to the throat. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover physically and in this time I visited my GP to check the huge lump on the back of my head (because of the amount of blood on the side of my head i hadn't even realised the back of my head was injured when I went to A and E and they didn't check that area) and told her the truth.

I know this sounds pathetic. I know this post and me being here and eating dinner and watching tv with my partner after the attack and not reporting it sounds like a joke and I have no excuse or sensible reason for not leaving...I can't explain it myself.

I have called the domestic violence helpline and spoken to my GP and as I have gradually started to come out of shock and realise that he has committed a serious crime I am feeling such an anger. Some of this anger has come out verbally...eg 'how could you leave me lying there' 'why did you do it' etc etc. again I have gone on like a broken record because I am struggling to understand but because this stresses him, now I feel like I am emotionally abusing him!.

Two weeks ago I was struggling to try and accept what had happened and I said that I wished I could report the assault. My partner immediately called his older sister. I have posted to mumsnet before and ironically it was about this older sister bullying me. I don't know whether I sound unhinged to be suddenly having problems with two people in the space of a year but in all honesty I am well over thirty, have lived with more than one partner since leaving home and I have never before had any conflict either with them, their families or friends..I've never fallen out with anyone at work or been over sensitive.

The older sister immediately called my partners parents and gave them the impression that the violence went both ways. I know this because my partners mum immediately called him and she has quite a loud voice so i could hear what she was saying...i also spoke to her myself and she said the sister said we had been 'fighting' not only did the sister give her parents this impression but she invented an imaginary story about why we were arguing (there had been no argument).

At the moment I seem to be swinging between anger (and wanting to report what happened) and fear. Although i am not physically afraid of my partners sister I am frightened of her emotionally - for most of last week I developed a paranoia that I myself would end up in prison if she invented stories about me being the aggressor. I know this sounds insane, however I can only imagine its part of me being a stupid pathetic deluded victim and in shock - I have also become isolated from friends and family and have no one close by at all. Another strange thing was that despite my injuries (I now have a ringing in my ear that wont go away and constant nausea and nightmares) I seem to have become more fixated on trying to understand why my partner did this and what issues he might have, than my own safety. I also became very concerned about the fact this parents and been lied to by the sister and asked him to call them and explain that there was no provocation - I dont know why I give a Sh@? about what they think - i don't...but it was more the being lied about. Even I know that my concern should be my safety and not what the family of my attacker think and I can't explain it.

My partner did call his parents to set them straight - he didnt admit to the full assault but said he had pushed me in an argument and I'd fallen... after this his mum asked me to come to lunch and his dad told my partner 'these things happen'. Neither apologized for what had happened to me. My partner said that this is because they didn't know how to deal with the situation. They seem very much more concerned with him.

I'm worried that if I report the assault my partners family will try and cover for him...he is practically middle aged, but they treat him like a hapless child who has a lot of stress...he was married some years ago and had an affair and even then they treated him like the poor victim. My partner is very quiet and shy and apparently gentle in public....and I am scared that no one will believe me if I report the attack - or that the sister who seems to hate me for no apparent reason will lie. Im scared she might say I threatened him or attacked him..this makes me feel so victimised and I'm struggling to accept the unfairness because during the attack i didn't even have a chance to defend myself and certainly didn't hurt him.

I just wondered if anyone else had felt fear about report an attack due to the threat of not being believed. I suffered from slight depression last year after being ill with a thyroid illness and did ask the GP for anti depressants - I'm worried this will be dragged up and they will make me look like some kind of nutter.

Due to the attack I asked my partner to go to counselling...he has been alone and we've been together. I think the counsellor is blaming the attack on my partners anxiety. In the joint session my partner was honest with the therapist and told her the full details of the attack.

I know all this sounds stupid...I know people will say to walk away or man up and I agree...I never thought I'd be so pathetic. But the intimidation feel from this family is bigger than my confidence and the possibility that as a victim i myself might be accused of something I haven't done or being accused of emotional abuse myself (i had moaned on and on about my partner lying to me and this is what led him to be so stressed) frightens me so much I can hardly sleep. I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[Lweji]

I have no words about the therapists you've seen.

You have to get out, safely, and report him.

My ex also seems shy and harmless. He wasn't. Isn't.
Both family court and criminal court saw through that and not only I have control over contact with ds but he was also convicted.

But it doesn't matter if people believe you or if he is punished.

What is important is that you get out and lead a safe life.

[contrary13]

OP, you need to leave. Now. Today. Immediately.

Don't, for one second, believe that he's never assaulted a woman before. That strong, previous woman in his life? Chances are, he did the same to her. Being a strong woman does not preclude being subjected to violence at the hands of a partner. Believe me, it doesn't.

Don't believe, for one second, that he will change. That this will never happen again. Because it will. So far, you have 'allowed' him to get away with a horrific assault upon you that might, actually, have killed you. So far, he believes that he has the full support of that "counsellor" - an authority figure has, essentially, validated his behaviour as being acceptable/okay/'normal'. It's not. And, frankly, she should have called the police - which they can do, no matter how confidential a session is, if a counsellor, or a GP believe that someone is in actual danger... they are morally and ethically bound to report it. And, if necessary, go to court to provide evidence.

As for his family... they created/raised him. And, as someone else has said, no police officer or judge/jury are going to be asking them for their opinions of what happened between you on the night that you were rendered unconscious and had to beg to be taken to hospital. Honestly, you need to get far, far, far away from him and his family - because they are also validating his behaviour. For as long as he's patted on the head and treated like a child, for as long as he's told it's okay to beat his partners up, for as long as he isn't made to face up to the consequences of his actions... he'll keep doing it. He'll keep beating you up, OP. He will continue, and escalate, and gaslight you into thinking that it's your fault (it isn't!), until you're so confused, tired and injured that if he tells you the sky is green... you'll believe him simply so that he doesn't slap you. Or punch you. Or rape you. Or beat you into unconsciousness and then brag about how you bled everywhere and wet yourself.

That indignity happened because of him, OP.

Not you.

Him.

Leave. Today. Now. Immediately.

Before he kills you.

[annielouisa]

Please leave there is a life out there for you that does not involve being subjected to violence or a family that are apologists for abusers. The longer you stay the more at risk you are of more serious harm even death.

[HandbagCrazy]

OP, I am a strong woman. I am the type of person who would wade in and try and stop your DH attacking you if I saw it. I am very capable, and the person my friends lean on for support.
I also, very quietly out up with DV for 2 years, until that day he beat me up then pushed me down the stairs.
It's an odd perception. Years later, I bumped into ex when out with a lifelong friend. He said hi and asked how I was, and I panicked. My heart was hammering, I shook, felt tears and fuzzy, like I couldn't think straight. When he left, I told my friend what had happened and the violence in the relationship, and she commented that she can't believe I 'would ever put up with that, what was I thinking?'
It can happen to anyone, and actually, being strong can work against you. I knew my friends idea of me, and I was so scared of disappointing them, that I stayed a lot longer than I should have.

Re:the counsellor, remember that they get paid to help people. If is her job to work with him and help him handle the attack. YOU are not her priority. Find a new counsellor, that only you see, that joy like and trust, and work with them instead.

[HandbagCrazy]

Sorry for typos!

[TheRealAdaLovelace]

Just to repeat what others have said, you need to leave, today.

[MorrisZapp]

Just leave. It matters not a jot who believes you or what his 'side' of it is. I binned a guy once for saying 'okily dokily'. You just end it and walk away, people do it every day. You owe him nothing.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

My love, he's clearly done a number on you already if you're apologising that the abuse 'isn't as bad' as others and you're worried about how it looks.

He concussed you, throttled you, pushed you. He was the direct cause of a trip to hospital requiring stitches.

You need to leave. If you don't want to say it's because he's a violent dickhead you don't have to. But leave. Because if he can go from 0-smashing my girlfriends head against the wall till she bleeds in one night, the next time you might be right. You might be on your way out.

[Simatmum]

He could be charged with grievous bodily harm or attempted murder for what he did to you. Any man who can do this to a woman is a step away from killing her. The psychological harm he has perpetrated has made you take risks with your safety, as you are waivering over what to do. Walk into a police station and ask for help to get to a place of safety - today. You will be protected and police will help you retrieve your belongings at the right time, when he can't get near you. Don't look back, don't talk to him or his relatives. Women's Aid, the local authority and other agencies will help you, if you don't feel able to go to family yet. Thousands of women have been in this dangerous situation and there is lots of support to keep you safe. Please go today.

[Incognita82]

Do not be alone with this man ever again. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Go somewhere he cannot get to you. You are in serious danger.

If you do not have somewhere to go then go to the police and Women's Aid as suggested above and ask to be admitted to a refuge. Once you are safe and have had time to process everything I strongly suggest that you give full details to the police. He should be charged and you need a restraining order against him.

This may sound over dramatic, please believe me and the others who have posted. If you do nothing else please leave now.

[Mabelface]

Love, don't be a statistic. You deserve far better than this and there's a better and safe life out there for you.

[Wonkydonkey44]

Leave and never ever look back x

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

Apart from all the good advice everyone on here has given you (please please do get out) - think about this:

My first husband suffered a blow to the head as a result of an accidental fall. He was quite briefly unconscious & bled quite heavily. Checked out promptly by ambulance staff, flatly refused to go to hospital (he had badly controlled epilepsy & often bashed himself about, thought this was no worse than previous incidents).

I found him later that night unconscious. He never regained consciousness.

You do NOT fuck about with head injuries, my love. Leaving you lying unconscious whilst he cleaned up the evidence could very, very easily have been the end for you.

If your partner caused your injury & then delayed getting help, he's very lucky indeed not to currently be in custody facing a charge of manslaughter or worse.

Please get out of this situation. I don't want to be melodramatic, but you've had an awfully close call.

& get yourself checked out again - brain injuries may not be immediately obvious.

[GissASquizz]

When you waver, which you will, remember one thing. He calmly cleaned up the scene of his crime while you lay bleeding on the floor. He could have killed you, and his concern was for the fucking carpet and covering his tracks. He is the worst kind of cunt. Fuck what he says, and fuck his family. This man means you harm. Beware.

[loveyoutothemoon]

I'm sorry you've been through all of this.

I can't understand why you wouldn't leave him.

[MozzchopsThirty]

I don't normally post on these threads but yours is truly chilling
I haven't read all the replies but please get out, get away, a refuge, somewhere safe.
This 'man' will kill you, his actions after the event are truly shocking

This is never anything you've done
There are no excuses
He will have done this before
GET OUT

[nilbyname]

leave

Get your important things, get in your car and never go back.

He will kill you one day.

Leave now.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

He very nearly killed you and has left you with what could very likely be lifelong injuries.
REPORT HIM.
If you don't, he WILL do it again, it's just a matter of time.
You will have to live with this forever in your head now, so do the right thing.
Don't worry about his bully-girl sister and family - they are really the biggest cowards.
Stick to your guns - and the healing process will start.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

I think CROWY is right, you should definitely have a thorough examination x

[footballwidow12]

Hi metoo72,

I'm really sorry to hear your story, your ordeal sounds horrific and it's no wonder you are scared.

Please listen to me when I tell you that there is literally NO excuse that this man can give you that excuses his behaviour. Whether you had been arguing or not, whether he was drunk or not it is NEVER acceptable for anybody to lay their hands on another person in that way. Please for your own safety leave as soon as you can, take as much as you can and go somewhere safe. This man will hurt you again, and who's saying that next time he will stop?? You don't have to report it to anyone if you don't want to......but you HAVE to get yourself to a place of safety where he can't hurt you anymore.

[bubbles19]

Please find the strength to leave. Break the cycle of trying to work out why/ how could he do this to me? You probably will never have a true answer, he is broken (has issues) BUT as much as you think you can, YOU CAN'T FIX HIM. You will end up going round in circles and soon enough drop back into every day life as if nothing happened, until the next time. Remember this is not how "normal life" is. You deserve to be happy and most importantly safe.

[Darnmysocks]

OP you've had fantastic advice on this thread, in particular Rickety's posts, read them over and over until you feel strong enough to leave. You must because what might happen next time (and there will be a next time) doesn't bear thinking about, to be blunt you may well not live to tell the tale. This really is that serious OP, what he did to you was horrendous and a great many posters on here are frightened for your safety.

[Desmondo2016]

I am a police officer. If you are in the Devon and Cornwall force area please PM me and we will take it from there.

[nilbyname]

Ask yourself this, if a friend or family me member told your story as if it were them, what would you advise them to do?

[GinAndSonic]

Are you safe op? Don't let him know you are thinking of leaving as he might hurt you again. If you can get important papers, birth certificate, passport, etc and some cash, and then leave without fanfare, that would be the safest option for you x