too scared to report dv attack ( unpleasant details of injuries)

[metoo72]

Hi

Five weeks ago I was viciously assaulted twice in one night by my partner. I don't know what the protocol is for posting details about assaults - I do know that since I was hurt, every time domestic violence is mentioned, on the tv, in papers etc. I find it very stressful, so I don't want to upset or offend anyone who might be in a similar or worse situation. I do know the injuries I suffered are much less serious than those inflicted on some women but I desperately need advice.

After saying goodbye to friends after spending a nice night out, my partner who was very drunk, pushed me over onto my back in a car park, there had been no argument preceding this, but there had been some stress in the relationship for the month or so before after I discovered that he had lied both to me (about the person he was) and about me in order to shift blame to me for something he had done. By my own admission, although we hadn't argued about this I had gone on like a broken record, asking why he had lied to me and about me - mainly because I didn't understand how a partner could do that. I'd also told him a few home truths about his behaviour - he told me this put him under great stress. We have been together for three years and in that time there has been no serious violence although there was an occasion where he kicked me multiple times bruising my leg and another time when he shoved me. On this occasion I ended up with black bruised elbows, cuts to my hands from the gravel and feeling very battered and bruised. I was obviously upset and shouted at him to go away and leave me alone - he took a taxi back home. After wandering around in shock for a while I stupidly did the same.

I had been through the door only a few minutes and was still wearing my coat when my partner launched himself at me and knocked me to the floor in the hall by the front door. He was on top of me, grabbed my head (by my hair I think) and slammed it into the skirting board. We have very large oak skirting boards. I remember feeling dizzy and sick and knowing that something wasn't quite right with the side of my head. I tried to lift my head to tell him this, I remember it being very hard to do because in retrospect I know I was concussed..I managed to lift my head a few inches at which point he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head down two or three times into the floor. I know I blacked out for a short time. When I came to and struggled to get up I noticed a large dark patch on the carpet and remember at first being very confused about what it was until realising it was blood. I managed to crawl away to the end of the hallway by the bathroom and just lay curled up on the floor - I know I was drifting in and out of consciousness but I don't know how long I was there, maybe 15 minutes. When i managed to lift my head I saw that my partner was by the front door trying to clean up the blood from the floor and the wall where there were bloody hand prints (i'd touched my head before using the wall to haul myself up). I know it sounds pathetic, but I haven't had a head injury before and I didn't know how much the scalp can bleed and I thought I was on my way out...I remember asking to go to hospital and also asking my partner to tell my Mum I loved her. I think I blacked out again and recall my partner calmly removing my boots, putting them in their usual place and the returning to cleaning. I have no idea why he would remove my boots and he since says that although he remembers cleaning up the blood he cannot remember removing my boots. He has also since said that he was cleaning up the blood due to being in a state of shock and when we saw a counsellor together a few weeks after the attack, she said this can happen.

I finally managed stress that i wanted to go to hospital enough that he could help me and he called an uber taxi on my phone. We went together to the hospital but once there I said I wanted to go in myself. I stupidly lied and said that I had fallen over while drunk and the wound in the side of my head was glued / stitched.

The next day I was very fragile and had bruising and pain all over my body from being pushed or held down, my throat was very sore from being grabbed and remained so for a week or two although there was no bruising to the throat. It took a couple of weeks for me to recover physically and in this time I visited my GP to check the huge lump on the back of my head (because of the amount of blood on the side of my head i hadn't even realised the back of my head was injured when I went to A and E and they didn't check that area) and told her the truth.

I know this sounds pathetic. I know this post and me being here and eating dinner and watching tv with my partner after the attack and not reporting it sounds like a joke and I have no excuse or sensible reason for not leaving...I can't explain it myself.

I have called the domestic violence helpline and spoken to my GP and as I have gradually started to come out of shock and realise that he has committed a serious crime I am feeling such an anger. Some of this anger has come out verbally...eg 'how could you leave me lying there' 'why did you do it' etc etc. again I have gone on like a broken record because I am struggling to understand but because this stresses him, now I feel like I am emotionally abusing him!.

Two weeks ago I was struggling to try and accept what had happened and I said that I wished I could report the assault. My partner immediately called his older sister. I have posted to mumsnet before and ironically it was about this older sister bullying me. I don't know whether I sound unhinged to be suddenly having problems with two people in the space of a year but in all honesty I am well over thirty, have lived with more than one partner since leaving home and I have never before had any conflict either with them, their families or friends..I've never fallen out with anyone at work or been over sensitive.

The older sister immediately called my partners parents and gave them the impression that the violence went both ways. I know this because my partners mum immediately called him and she has quite a loud voice so i could hear what she was saying...i also spoke to her myself and she said the sister said we had been 'fighting' not only did the sister give her parents this impression but she invented an imaginary story about why we were arguing (there had been no argument).

At the moment I seem to be swinging between anger (and wanting to report what happened) and fear. Although i am not physically afraid of my partners sister I am frightened of her emotionally - for most of last week I developed a paranoia that I myself would end up in prison if she invented stories about me being the aggressor. I know this sounds insane, however I can only imagine its part of me being a stupid pathetic deluded victim and in shock - I have also become isolated from friends and family and have no one close by at all. Another strange thing was that despite my injuries (I now have a ringing in my ear that wont go away and constant nausea and nightmares) I seem to have become more fixated on trying to understand why my partner did this and what issues he might have, than my own safety. I also became very concerned about the fact this parents and been lied to by the sister and asked him to call them and explain that there was no provocation - I dont know why I give a Sh@? about what they think - i don't...but it was more the being lied about. Even I know that my concern should be my safety and not what the family of my attacker think and I can't explain it.

My partner did call his parents to set them straight - he didnt admit to the full assault but said he had pushed me in an argument and I'd fallen... after this his mum asked me to come to lunch and his dad told my partner 'these things happen'. Neither apologized for what had happened to me. My partner said that this is because they didn't know how to deal with the situation. They seem very much more concerned with him.

I'm worried that if I report the assault my partners family will try and cover for him...he is practically middle aged, but they treat him like a hapless child who has a lot of stress...he was married some years ago and had an affair and even then they treated him like the poor victim. My partner is very quiet and shy and apparently gentle in public....and I am scared that no one will believe me if I report the attack - or that the sister who seems to hate me for no apparent reason will lie. Im scared she might say I threatened him or attacked him..this makes me feel so victimised and I'm struggling to accept the unfairness because during the attack i didn't even have a chance to defend myself and certainly didn't hurt him.

I just wondered if anyone else had felt fear about report an attack due to the threat of not being believed. I suffered from slight depression last year after being ill with a thyroid illness and did ask the GP for anti depressants - I'm worried this will be dragged up and they will make me look like some kind of nutter.

Due to the attack I asked my partner to go to counselling...he has been alone and we've been together. I think the counsellor is blaming the attack on my partners anxiety. In the joint session my partner was honest with the therapist and told her the full details of the attack.

I know all this sounds stupid...I know people will say to walk away or man up and I agree...I never thought I'd be so pathetic. But the intimidation feel from this family is bigger than my confidence and the possibility that as a victim i myself might be accused of something I haven't done or being accused of emotional abuse myself (i had moaned on and on about my partner lying to me and this is what led him to be so stressed) frightens me so much I can hardly sleep. I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

[Swirlysunshine]

a very experience lawyer told me when I was in your situation "in my experience things get worse not better". It helped clear my mind. I knew what I had to do.

[exWifebeginsat40]

OP someone up thread had it when they said attempted murder. those are awful words but true. you need to get out.

he attacked you in a car park and left you there alone in the dark. he waited for you to come home, where he then viciously attacked you again and likely thought he had killed you. he cleaned your blood off the wall while you begged for help. he wouldn't call an ambulance as then he couldn't lie about what had happened. he rang a fucking taxi.

that's it. black and white. nobody is going to think you provoked this. anyone who does, has problems of their own to deal with.

please get yourself somewhere safe.

[WanderingNotLost]

I really hope you're somewhere safe OP. You need the get the hell away from this man. And you must report it. If not for your sake then for the sake of whichever poor woman may end up with him after you. This isn't something that you can work on... he will only get worse. You need to get away from him.

[rainytea]

OP I'm another one saying you could have died. That you didn't actually has nothing to do with him.

The so called counsellor should also be reported to whatever board she's working for.

She can't release info he said, without his express consent, however, she could about the session you had alone with her. If you're wanting evidence (and I don't know if you need it because you were in hospital and then saw and told your GP), but if you did, then you could ask her to provide the police with an account of your individual session. She wouldn't have to, but it's certainly possible (she doesn't have to hand over her notes, it would more likely be a confirmation of why you saw her - viscous DV attack).

This is a mere detail though.

You are very lucky to be alive. You are not to blame. His family can fuck off. Even if everyone thinks you're lying, ultimately what matters is that you're not. Every single person here believes you. Every single one. You are believed.

Please go back to the GP and get thoroughly checked out.

OP, you are very, very brave and I get it might not feel like that, but you have gone through an absolutely awful trauma (the person you love(d)who should love you leaving you bleeding, horribly injured and alone whilst he cleaned up the evidence of what he did to you). You have courage in you and you need to hold on to it and get yourself to a safe place. People can help you (and you should take all the help available), but you are in charge of leaving, nobody can do it all for you - sadly, because if they could, I'm betting every one of us here would be there in a jiffy!

And reporting him is not revenge.

[Asprilla11]

OP - I am a man who has suffered from severe anxiety and depression since my late teens.

I am also someone who has never ever used violence against a female and never would. The only time I have ever struck a male was in self-defence. Violence makes my anxiety worse, I do not like to see people fighting and I especially hate men who cowardly hit and abuse women. What I'm trying to say is your partner has no excuse and you should not look for reasons/excuses of why he may have done it, the majority of mental health conditions do not make someone violent.

Please leave ASAP when it's safe to do so, then report to the Police, they WILL believe you. I'm sure a test for blood in the hallway will show evidence of blood, even after clearing up has taken place, but even if it doesn't your testimony, injuries, medical records will be more than enough, in fact the stupid counsellor should be made to confirm your partner admitted what happened.

Also did the first assault (outside) happen anywhere that there could be CCTV, or even just a camera on a shop or petrol station? Something to think about it.

Anyway I know this is a very sensitive subject and a male poster is probably not best in posting his opinion but I just wanted to say none of this is your fault, he has no excuse, you need to leave and you will be belived.

[metoo72]

Thank you so much to everyone. Every reply has made me stronger ... I am in a place at the moment where my view of the world was beginning to alter to the point I no longer know what is 'normal' anymore ...the counsellor (who was told about the attack and what preceeded it almost exactly as I wrote in my post, not only by me but by my partner) didn't help by describing my partner as remorseful and almost seeming to feel sorry for him for his shyness, neither did his employer who gave him two weeks sick leave due to stress in the weeks after the attack after he told his boss he had 'accidently' hurt his girlfriend in an argument..again treating him like the victim as did his parents even after being told by their son a partial story about pushing and hurting me...which in my old 'normal' world I would have thought should still be sufficient to prompt some disproving response. I was beginning to feel the world was a place where people could do whatever bad thing they wanted and no one cares about the victim. Every one of your posts (and my gp) has helped me believe that the normal world still exist's out there to some extent.
I have called the domestic violence helpline and they were helpful although very hard to get through to and I was trying several times a night for weeks. They told me the attack was particularly brutal. I shouldn't have needed to hear it from third parties to believe it however I have been so confused and down trodden I was at some points thinking I might be making a fuss about nothing. I lived abroad for over a decade and when I came back UK friends had moved on and my family live on the other side of the country. Although my partner didn't alienate me and never tried to prevent me contacting people the fact is I am alienated.
I am in a safe place this morning where there is no danger and gradually starting to reach out for more help including from victim support.I don't really know what the future holds.I do know that I am struggling mentally with the fact I haven't reported what happened and that this isn't helping me to see the world as normal or fair. I'm worried if I don't report the attack this feeling will carry on into the future...I'm also concerned that while, for various reasons I am 100 percent sure my partner has not previously been violent to a woman before me..and his violence was annual rather than weekly, that he may flip and hurt someone again. If I don't report what he did and that happened I know I would be partly to blame. Thank you so much to everyone who took time to help and support me...it's amazing to start having faith restored.

[Bottomchops]

I'm so pleased to read your post this morning, and I'm glad you're in a safe place. Hopefully this will be the start of good things for you .

[WombOfOnesOwn]

The little girl I played with as a child became a woman whose boyfriend did this. He ended up murdering her in front of their child. Please don't become a tragic story. I'm so glad you're safe, that's a good first step, but the next step is to STAY away. And that one's harder. Please be good to yourself. You have had a brush with death, that's no joke, and you should also make sure you avoid anything that could possibly create a head injury for the next 12-24 months, repeat concussions in a short span can give you terrible lifelong problems. My heart aches for you. I wish I could put you up in my own home to keep you away from this man, but I live on the other side of the world.

[smilingeyes11]

you are not to blame for his future actions. I am sure you will report him when you are ready. It is such a lot to process. If you are safe now then that is brilliant - well done x

[OhTheRoses]

No advice but you are very brave. Well done.

[StrawberryLeaf]

Well done on getting yourself to safety.

[MudCity]

You are so brave. Glad you are safe. The hard part is not going back. If you feel tempted, just read the messages on here.

Your GP and the police will be able to signpost you to support available out there. You need to surround yourself with your friends and
your family, not his. It sounds from your post that you have lost your identity, who you are in all this. It's time to get you back!

You will get through this if you give yourself this chance to make a fresh start. I wish you a worlds of luck.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

...that he may flip and hurt someone again. If I don't report what he did and that happened I know I would be partly to blame.

Good. Although I agree with PP that you're not to blame for his actions, past, present or future, if your thinking this ^^ gives you the final push of strength you need to report it, that's fine by me, matey!

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

I'm so relieved you are in a safe place.

Darling, normal people do not look at their bleeding, possibly dead partner on the floor, leave them and go and fix the crime scene to cover up what they did. Criminals do that. If he did to a stranger what he did to you he would be in prison.

Violent criminal acts escalate. He thought he had killed you - he didn't even bother checking or trying to ensure you survived for his own safety, he didn't give a damn. What has he learned from doing this? That nothing happens to him. He'll get sympathy and counselling and everyone will buy into his crap. So he's had a confidence boost and he will escalate. Please don't ever be alone with him again.

You don't have to report anything. That is your choice, you do the right thing for you. You may decide later that now you want to, but the decision and control there is all yours. Just leave him and be safe.

His family have raised two severely fucked up people, and if he had killed you would still do everything they could to conceal and twist it. That will never change. They're defending themselves from having to admit they created and raised a monster who batters his wife and nearly ended up a murderer, it's selfish and about them. Not about you. You being hurt or talking about revealing to the world what the truth is is terrifying to them, which shows they do know damn well that you are right. If you want to talk that through with women's aid and the police they will advise you and they will have seen this plenty of times before.

So glad you're safe. Please stay safe.

[user1468132986]

Just leave don't think just leave. Thinking can come later . His family will never support you and will look for any excuse to play it down. Its quite possibly been an environment he has grown up in. I could tell you about my experience but that's not what you need, you need to get away . You will feel scared and lonely and like you have failed but you haven't you have taken full control of YOUR LIFE . You shouldn't have joint counselling if there has been dv and no proper counsellor would permit it. Even now 8yrs later I would not sit in a room with my ex and no counsellor worth their salt would ask me to . Go to the police they can see your hospital records say you lied as you were so scared . They will help you 100% . They will know whose lying as much as the tv and press portray them as easily duped they are not. I could go on for pages but I won't . For your safety and well-being end this relationship now. Xx

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

And do we have any UK qualified counsellors here? Because I thought, despite confidentiality issues, they're required by law to report crimes or contemplation of crimes. Am confused now.

[soggyweetabix]

I've been lurking, but wanted to say how pleased I am to read your last post!

[bigbumbrunette]

I'm so glad you're somewhere safe.

[didiimaginethis]

I'm so glad you're in a place of safety OF, I've read this thread with growing horror and fear. A brutal attack is right, calculated and callous. Please stay safe and please don't ever be alone with him. Well done for getting out.

[sanmiguelmakesmewell]

Rumbling, this is so true

If he did to a stranger what he did to you he would be in prison

So many perpetrators continue to get away with Domestic violence. It's sickening.

Op really good that you're somewhere safe today

[metoo72]

I too had hoped that a counsellor would be required to tell the truth if requested by the police regarding someone confessing a crime. The counsellors approach just played down the situation even though it was explained to her by my partner in as much detail as my post and I feel this contributed to me, already in shock, seeing it as just a blip. I'm worried that if my partner could extract sympathy from her, even though the full violence was explained, the fact there was no provocation etc.. and she still felt sorry for him that he must have something about him that can extract sympathy in this way.
It's really odd that it's only now certain things are clicking into place...for example I had no idea why he would remove my boots while I lay on the floor...I was unable to stand at that point and even if I had been lack of footwear wouldn't have stopped me running away. It was only this morning that it suddenly occurred to me that he may have wanted to make it look like I'd been home for longer than I had...the attack occurred within moments of me coming in the door and the big blood stain is just cms from the front door in our long narrow hallway in the corner between the wall and the doormat. The blood stain was / is probably about 10 inches in diameter and there were blood stains on the door mat a good few inches from this that look like splashes rather than smears so I suppose the impact must have been very hard and caused some blood to splash on nearby surfaces. It's horrible to think.about and I don't know whether morbidly thinking about it is good in that it will help me accept the severity of what happened or not.

[DoreenLethal]

Please report this.

[fuckinwankinbankers]

Good on you for leaving!!
That counsellor shouldn't be practising if your ex is able to charm and manipulate them that easily. That's a classic ability of abusive men. I think you should report the whole thing.

[TheRealAdaLovelace]

Well done that woman xx