DP shouted at the baby

[FeckingTwatBadger]

I left 4 month old DC3 with her dad for an hour this morning while I went to collect DC1 + DC2 from their dad before school. It wasn't even a whole hour. She was fed and clean when I left, so should have been OK for an hour.

I got back. DP still in his pants, when he should have been getting ready for work. Both DP and DC3 were silent and had a look of mild terror in their eyes. DP handed her to me, got ready and went to work with hardly a word, other than to say he is going to the pub after work.

So, he just rang and confessed that the baby had been crying, he'd shouted at her and kicked the bedroom door, next to where she was lying on a mat on the floor. I had noticed splinters of the door's chipboard filler but there's no obvious damage to the outside of the door.

This explains why she has been so clingy. She won't let me put her down and is not herself. Poor little thing!

DP is always saying the baby doesn't like him because she cries with him. But if he's going to terrify her by shouting and kicking things, it's no bloody wonder! I know he's not a morning person, but you'd think he could cope for an hour with his own daughter.

It's all made me very sad. DP is a gentle man, really. He would never hurt her. But how can I help them to have a better relationship if he's going to freak out every time he's left in charge of her? He is pretty hopeless about doing anything with her - changes about one nappy a week. She's ebf, so he can't do feeds (we did try some expressed milk in a bottle, but she wouldn't take it). He just says he doesn't know what to do with her and she doesn't like him.

Was I wrong to leave her? I would have taken her, but she's recently taken against her car seat and cries the whole time in the car, so I didn't think that would be any good.

Oh what a rubbish situation :( I have to admit I did shout at my son when he was a baby a couple of times, it was horrible. I also stomped my feet in frustration (yes, like a toddler -.- ). I'm in no way violent or dangerous, but sometimes coping mechanisms fail us. I don't know what's right or wrong for your situation, just wanted to express some sympathy.

I think bath time is a good idea. Other suggestions are that they could go for a walk together (they could both get some fresh air), read her a story or even just lay on the floor with her and play with toys or peek-a-boo (my 9 month old loves this).

The bonding process doesn't instantly happen for everyone (especially when you're sleep deprived, exhausted, and have multiple children that want your constant attention). Sometimes a little one-on-one time to grow the relationship is beneficial. You know he loves her, they just need to find their groove together. Good luck.

He was with the baby for ONE hour. ONE hour. In the OPs words he hardly does any childcare.

He doesn't have PND. He has lazy-fucking-itis.

There is a massive difference between getting gradually frustrated with your child after day on day wearing down and shouting and kicking a door so hard it splinters after spending a rare hour by yourself with your child. Presumably as well she wasn't crying for the entire hour.

I'm also sceptical of why he told you. Do you think he wants to make it a reason that you won't leave your daughter with him alone again and he doesn't have to take any responsibility?

I wondered that too scallops

I clearly remember the frustration of crying babies even though my eldest is 21 now and youngest 14. My usual coping mechanism if they didn't need fed or changed was to put them in the cot and go and have a cup of tea. Sometimes they would be asleep by the time I had finished it and peace would be restored. At other times I would put them in the pram and go for a walk, especially if it was the middle of the day. A change of scene usually helped, for them and for me.

Babies of that age are very hard work and it is perfectly reasonable to expect the baby's father to be able to cope with them for an hour.

The door kicking incident was clearly done very violently though. It would make me very nervous of leaving the baby with that person again unsupervised.

Your DP does need to do more with your baby, but if I were you I would always be around in the background while he was doing it. It would certainly be a very, very long time indeed before I would leave them alone together again. Your confidence in him has been shaken, and it will take a long time (if at all) to rebuild.

I do hope you are being told the whole truth about the door kicking incident, and that the door was the only thing he assaulted.

He was only with her for an hour. Did he even try walking around with her and jiggling her to amuse her, showing her toys and playing with her, putting her in the cot and going into another room if things were really getting a bit much? Or did he just leave her lying on the floor crying for attention while he ignored her, so she screamed more and more loudly and worked herself into a tizzy?

To me, it sounded like he called to tell her because the guilt was eating him up.

I don't think what he did is OK, in case anyone thinks I do. That's why I posted. If I thought it was no big deal, I wouldn't have bothered. I am really shaken by it. And I honestly believe he is too.
I don't think it's OK that he does very little with the baby but, to some extent, that's my fault as I just get on with it and don't ask for help. I can see that it isn't really helping either of us. He does suffer from lazy-fucking-itis, scallops it's true. But then, I let him be lazy. So I need to be a bit tougher with him. We'll have a talk about it this evening and see what we can do.

What do you mean you 'let' him be lazy? Is he a child? You mean he will only do what is needed if you tell him? What sort of useless man is he?
So he is lazy and has no tolerance of babies.
Christ OP, stop making excuses for him.

He has physically lost his temper after just one hour, I'd be very wary and concerned. Parenting classes? Talk to your health visitor. I would personally consider him a risk to the baby and would not trust him with her. Pretty shit as he's her dad.

I am not a perfect parent and sometimes I have been at the end of my tether with my dc but I have never kicked a door in my life. And the fact the door was next to your baby? No, sorry, unacceptable. And aggressive.

Slamming a door is completely different I think. Plus as others have said he lost his temper after only an hour not several sleepless nights.

What ate you going to do the next time you need to pop out for an hour? I would not trust him whatsoever.

He over-reacted. He was probably nervous being left alone with her. He doesn't need counselling for gods sake. He realised his actions were a severe and told you.
Maybe he needs to spend more time with dd to get a bond with her.

It's not good he reacts like that after such a short amount of time, my DD is EBF and in the first few months when I was exhausted it was the fact that my DP could take her for an hour which meant I didn't get frustrated and want to kick doors.

But to be more practical it sounds like they need to bond, I encourage my DP to have his own "things" with our DD, a silly noise he always makes her, his "galloping" round the bedroom with her making her giggle, playing her stuff in the guitar. Things I don't/can't do that is special for them.

I got back. DP still in his pants, when he should have been getting ready for work. Both DP and DC3 were silent and had a look of mild terror in their eyes"

No one seems to have picked up on this, but do you mean the baby had a look of "mild terror"? Could you explain that a bit more?

I hate all this "he's generally a good dad", "he's a gentle man" when posters have been driven to post on here by acts that either aren't good or gentle. Does someone have to act violently more then once before they are no longer considered "gentle"? Where is the tipping point?

She was on the floor near where he kicked hard enough to damage chipboard. Do all the people saying "I've shouted at my baby too" think they would do this too? Because unless you're saying "I've kicked a door next to my baby on the floor very hard" you're not saying the same at all are you?

I myself have shouted. I'm not great with babies. I have never carried out an act of violence within close distance of my DC (or indeed anywhere I don't think).

We need to set higher standards for ourselves not excuse this behaviour with babies are a nightmare, we've all done it, everyone's tired.

And this is his first child, by the looks of things, dc1 and dc2 have a different father? What if he had done this in front of your other DC.

If you feel worried to leave the baby with him again (and I would) doesn't that tell you this isn't acceptable? I would not be able to live under the threat of this happening again. Punching or kicking an inanimate object is a deal breaker for me and DH knows this (he wouldn't do it anyway, and he knows I have issues about this due to previous stuff).

OP do you trust him to look after your DD again?

He has to come up with a solution to fix this. And what needs fixed isn't his lack of bonding with your DD. What needs fixed is his violent temper. Ask him for suggestions on what to do about that? And think about what would be an acceptable response, what would make you think it was safe to leave DD with him ever again in the future?

My BIL has a horrendous temper. He punched a hole in a door once when DSIS and their DCs were at home. My DSIS saw how frightened the DCs were and told BIL he had to go to the GP and anger management classes or he had to leave. He chose the GP and the classes. And until he had been to the GP and signed up for the classes, he lived somewhere else. That was over 10 years ago. He hasn't punched anything since.

You can decide what you are willing to accept. But you also have to decide what you think your baby DD deserves too. She can't help being a baby.

Yeah, I mean, I kind of agree with scallops here about telling you on purpose as well - you've said yourself that he's really lazy - also handing her over and stomping off with a 'I'm going to the pub' sounds like trying to get out of further childcare to me tbh, basically saying 'look how I can't cope' - I think it will be telling how willingly he reacts to your suggestion of spending more time bonding with her.

An hour.
He had the baby for one hour.

This is a completely different scenario than a sahm with a relentlessly crying baby that may be ebf and mum is doing all night wakings and at least 8 hours a day solo with non negotiable outings such as school runs on precious little sleep and nipples on fire plus possibly still healing from delivery.

An hour.

You can help to an extent but his temper is his responsibility. Hope it was a one-off OP. I notice that you said he's just had three nights' break, he was ratty in under an hour alone with DD. Shouldn't need to explain to DP kicking woodwork and/or loud noises are scary for babies. Unused as he is to parenting he isn't a passenger on your family bus, it's time to get clued up.
As he's living under the same roof as the DCs he has to adapt his thinking.

Hmm maybe if I was more cynical I'd be inclined to think scallop was right... Depressing if so.

Fwiw I think your baby will be fine. My 3 year old shouts, screams, bangs things loudly and gets in the face of my baby to the point where he flinches but baby still grins at him and loves the attention most of the time.

The thing is the more you are taking everything on, the less he will do and the less he will know how to do it.

he needs to be involved. It doesn;t matter if he has physical job. It doesn't matter I of he finds it hard. What would happen if you were suddenly ill and in hospital for a week/for a month?

His reaction seems to say that he has really been shaken by it. That's good. Now is the time for him to change his attitude and stop this silly 'I don;t know how to do it. I can't do it. IT HAS to be her not liking me' as if a 4 months old baby could love and hate people (they can be frightened and scared though...).
Sorry but no excuse and even less making it all his dd fault's if he is struggling.

And he needs to get on with it, be involved with her, with th housekeeping etc etc.

And if ever ever does that again, he needs to know that he WILL be out. You need to set the boundaries up and keep them.

OP

Did you ask anything after seeing the mild terror on both their faces? Has he never been left with her before?

I'd be telling him if anything similar happens again it's over....my dh once punched a hole in the wall....that was once in 24 yrs....they do things...I'm all for forgiving once ...but once only...lets see how he decides to play it now...how will he make it up to the baby