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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP shouted at the baby

97 replies

FeckingTwatBadger · 07/07/2016 12:17

I left 4 month old DC3 with her dad for an hour this morning while I went to collect DC1 + DC2 from their dad before school. It wasn't even a whole hour. She was fed and clean when I left, so should have been OK for an hour.

I got back. DP still in his pants, when he should have been getting ready for work. Both DP and DC3 were silent and had a look of mild terror in their eyes. DP handed her to me, got ready and went to work with hardly a word, other than to say he is going to the pub after work.

So, he just rang and confessed that the baby had been crying, he'd shouted at her and kicked the bedroom door, next to where she was lying on a mat on the floor. I had noticed splinters of the door's chipboard filler but there's no obvious damage to the outside of the door.

This explains why she has been so clingy. She won't let me put her down and is not herself. Poor little thing!

DP is always saying the baby doesn't like him because she cries with him. But if he's going to terrify her by shouting and kicking things, it's no bloody wonder! I know he's not a morning person, but you'd think he could cope for an hour with his own daughter.

It's all made me very sad. DP is a gentle man, really. He would never hurt her. But how can I help them to have a better relationship if he's going to freak out every time he's left in charge of her? He is pretty hopeless about doing anything with her - changes about one nappy a week. She's ebf, so he can't do feeds (we did try some expressed milk in a bottle, but she wouldn't take it). He just says he doesn't know what to do with her and she doesn't like him.

Was I wrong to leave her? I would have taken her, but she's recently taken against her car seat and cries the whole time in the car, so I didn't think that would be any good.

Sad
OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 07/07/2016 12:58

He's admitted it, he's sorry he did it and he knows that he needs to learn to cope better. I think that you should remember this happened, but work with him wrt finding better ways to manage his frustration.

I have some sympathy with him tbh; I found it very very hard to manage my temper with my DC and ended up punching walls and sobbing more times than I'd like to remember. I got used to them though, and manage it much better now. Counselling for my piss-poor anger management helped.

Callwaiting · 07/07/2016 12:59

Of course there's a difference between kicking a door and kicking a person ffs!
There's also a difference between slamming a door and hitting a person.

PregnantAndEngaged · 07/07/2016 12:59

I'll put my hands up and say that I've shouted at my son when he was a baby too. It can be really mentally and emotionally (and physically if you have to rock them to sleep etc) draining when a baby just screams non-stop and if you feel powerless to be able to stop it. Maybe he's having trouble bonding. I don't know your DP but clearly he felt terrible for shouting at the baby and he's probably disgusted in himself, but you know your DP better than any of us as to whether he's a potentially violent man or not. From personal experience shouting doesn't make you a violent person; it's not right but it doesn't mean that he's going to hurt the baby, he was just struggling to cope. An hour can feel like a lifetime sometimes if things aren't going well!

I recommend some bonding sessions for example daddy doing bath time, daddy reading baby books, daddy taking baby to swimming lessons. Things like that. Things to will make him see that he's not a useless daddy and that baby loves him and he loves baby :) Then things should improve!

MouldyPeach · 07/07/2016 13:02

I have a 4 month old and if DP did this I'd never want to leave them alone together again Sad

In fact, it would be a deal breaker, not even being dramatic, it would. I can feel the rage building up just thinking of your situation. He had to deal with ONE HOUR of his baby crying at the most and lost it? What's he done that he hasn't confessed to? What will he do in the future? You need to protect your baby OP.

PregnantAndEngaged · 07/07/2016 13:02

Also, as it sounds like he has low self-esteem about his parenting ability and is struggling bonding, I think it's important to reassure him e.g. casually drop in conversation every now and again how much the baby loves his daddy, or how good he was at doing XYZ with the baby etc.

NarcyCow · 07/07/2016 13:03

Could you do things with her together? Make the bath tonight a fun time for the three of you together and he might feel less out of his depth.

Callwaiting · 07/07/2016 13:04

What's he done that he hasn't confessed to?
Given the fact he confessed to this and looked so horrified at his actions, I'd not assume he was keeping things from op.

cricketqueen · 07/07/2016 13:07

Oh ffs. A guy loses his temper once and it's a deal breaker? He's not safe? Better tell my dh to leave me and take my dd with him then? He sounds unsure of how to parent, not unusual I imagine. You need to work on building his confidence not chuck him out of the house. He obviously feels bad. Don't let these over dramatic people make you feel worse OP. Only you know your dp and know if this is out of character. Parenting can be hato for dad's too, it sounds to me like he made a mistake regrets it. Don't make it worse by saying you will never leave them alone again etc.

MouldyPeach · 07/07/2016 13:13

Truly not trying to be dramatic but I don't think this should be downplayed. I was saying no what I would do in the situation, I just couldn't condone anyone shouting and kicking a door right next to my tiny baby. Is it suitable behaviour to show towards an adult? If not then why is it acceptable to act that way towards a baby? He definitely does need help and if he's willing that's great, if just advise OP to be cautious.
Yes he did confess but that's not to say it was the first time. It might have been a cry for help and I do hope he puts a hell of a lot of effort into finding and using that help.

thatsn0tmyname · 07/07/2016 13:13

I hate to admit but I've shouted at my baby, kicked a few toys and slammed a door. I'm not a bad person. I've always admitted it to my partner and worked to manage my temper.

LaConnerie · 07/07/2016 13:14

Yes cricket for some of us it's a dealbreaker - why is that so shocking? Are you saying you screamed at your own tiny baby and kicked a door so hard it splintered? If so, I would say you need some 'help' too Hmm

Personally, it would be a dealbreaker for me, partly because I couldn't trust the man again, and also because any feelings I had for him would be switched off stone cold at the thought of him being such a violent man-child twat.

Does that explain it better?

Moistly · 07/07/2016 13:15

Op he's not a gentle man if the baby crying made him shout at her and kick the door.

Babies bring out a persons real character! They truly do. Have a good talk with him after work about what it was that made him feel the need to lash out, he's going to have to become very consciously aware of his reactions and learn how to diffuse the anger.

poaspcos · 07/07/2016 13:16

I think some people are being a bit dramatic here - my DH shouted "he fucking did that on purpose" and stormed off when DS 3 weeks pood himself the moment he put a new nappy on

It was a one time event, of which he is hugely ashamed, and now DS is 3 I laugh over. I was shaken at the time of course.

Dads lose their rag too. Occasionally.

It's not an indication they'll be violent towards their child

PregnantAndEngaged · 07/07/2016 13:18

I think that's very judgmental and mean-spirited of you. The man is clearly struggling to cope!

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 07/07/2016 13:19

I really do understand people shouting in frustration, I understand the slamming of a door etc crying babies can try every last bit of patience you have...but he had her less than an hour & she was calm when you left. Even if he was worried about being late for work it's really not getting anywhere near 'understandable' for me and kicking the door next to where she was lying on the floor...it seems very extreme for such a short amount of time alone with her, even for a non morning person & a crying baby.

If it was me we would be having 'words'. I'd make it totally clear that this is the point where he chooses to grow up, or fuck off. He IS a father now, he is HER father and he needs to take on equal responsibility for her when he's home. Your the SAHP not the 24/7/365 parent. He does nappies, he does baths, he does settling her in the night, he does pacing the floor when she starts teething soon. He shares the parenting or pusses off because you don't need a 4th child.

Also, have a think about how you want your family to be. Do you really want him doing things with her, being 'Dad' but not with your boys? Do you really want to be doing everything for 'your' boys, while he only does things with/for DD? Will be take 'his' daughter to ballet, while you take 'your' boys to football? Will they not be able to do things because he can't take them? In what other ways are they going to be treat differently? Will he only tell DD off? Will he only make DD's dinner? Will he only shop for DD's shoes?
They have a Dad, but it doesn't stop him acting like a Dad too. He needs to be able to take action like a Dad & act like a Dad. IMO. Or it's going to be very very hard for all of the children.

cricketqueen · 07/07/2016 13:19

Yes I have shouted at my tiny baby as I was struggling to cope with a child who didn't sleep, had reflux and wouldn't settle anywhere but on my chest. But thanks for making me feel like a shit parent. Sorry that I'm not as perfect as you. I admitted I shouted and worked at coping better. Which is surely the same as he has done? Should my dh have chucked me out?

PregnantAndEngaged · 07/07/2016 13:21

OP, on mumsnet.. if you posted up a thread saying you shouted at the baby because the baby was crying, you couldn't cope and you felt terrible about it, people would be saying don't worry OP, you're not the first and you won't be the last, and offering advice about seeking help to bond etc. (I know this from personal experience!!) But as soon as it's a thread about a dad doing it, he's violent, a twat and can't be trusted.

#DoubleStandards

LaConnerie · 07/07/2016 13:21

cricket I don't want to make you feel like a shit parent. Everybody shouts sometimes - it's the kicking the door - right next to the baby, so hard that it splintered that got my heckles up.

Roastednutflash · 07/07/2016 13:23

I think if a woman posted here upset because she'd lost her rag and done this she'd be getting a lot more sympathetic responses.

I have no idea what this guy is like. He might be an arsehole for all I know.

But having a baby is overwhelming and hard. I find it so and my DS is relatively easy. I know loads of people who have snapped and momentarily shouted at their baby. They aren't bad parents, they were just at the end of their tethers.

poaspcos · 07/07/2016 13:23

If this was a woman saying "omg I can't take it, I even shouted at my baby and kicked a door and I want to go to the pub later to stay away longer I'm so stressed out etc" I can garantuee the replies would be far more along the lines of

"Don't be ashamed, call your HV/speak to your doctor Flowers it's far more common than you think OP"

Marthacliffscumbag · 07/07/2016 13:23

People who are defending the op's husband, have you read the whole thread? He's not a sleep deprived, breastfeeding mum, at the end of his tether through lack of sleep, he's not spent four months day in day out looking after a newborn, he isn't tearing his hair out in sheer boredom and frustration that each new day brings. He looked after her for ONE HOUR!! And couldn't cope, he's fucking pathetic.

poaspcos · 07/07/2016 13:23

X post

Original poster
FeckingTwatBadger · 07/07/2016 13:24

Thank you for all your responses.

Maybe I have more sympathy for DP than some other posters because I can remember shouting "SHUT UP!!" at DC2, who was a bloody awful sleeper and often cried for hours in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. Also, we had a neighbour who helpfully banged on the wall at 3am just in case we weren't aware that he was crying! DC3 is nowhere near as difficult, although she is still waking every 2-3 hours at night and DP and I are both tired pretty most of the time. Maybe she just seems easier as I've done this twice before and don't have a toddler to worry about this time.

Anyway, I texted DP to say that we should do bathtime together this evening and, from now on, he's going to do more with the baby. I think he'll be keen to make it up to her. We'll have a chat this evening about what he can do to bond with her and how to deal with her when she cries. There is a dad's worker attached to the local children's centre. I'll see what events they have on for dads.

OP posts:
poaspcos · 07/07/2016 13:25

Dads get PND too - amazingly it doesn't only pick the exhausted hardworking breastfeeding mothers Hmm

cricketqueen · 07/07/2016 13:26

But you did say I need help? If it's ok for me as a woman to feel at the end of my tether why is it not ok for a man? I bet a lot of mothers have shouted, sworn, thrown things in frustration but they would get practical support but as a man he is violent etc. He needs help to cope just the same as I did, but if this is the reaction people get when they reach the point of shouting etc they will never ask for help because they are made to feel worse than they already feel.