DP shouted at the baby

[FeckingTwatBadger]

I left 4 month old DC3 with her dad for an hour this morning while I went to collect DC1 + DC2 from their dad before school. It wasn't even a whole hour. She was fed and clean when I left, so should have been OK for an hour.

I got back. DP still in his pants, when he should have been getting ready for work. Both DP and DC3 were silent and had a look of mild terror in their eyes. DP handed her to me, got ready and went to work with hardly a word, other than to say he is going to the pub after work.

So, he just rang and confessed that the baby had been crying, he'd shouted at her and kicked the bedroom door, next to where she was lying on a mat on the floor. I had noticed splinters of the door's chipboard filler but there's no obvious damage to the outside of the door.

This explains why she has been so clingy. She won't let me put her down and is not herself. Poor little thing!

DP is always saying the baby doesn't like him because she cries with him. But if he's going to terrify her by shouting and kicking things, it's no bloody wonder! I know he's not a morning person, but you'd think he could cope for an hour with his own daughter.

It's all made me very sad. DP is a gentle man, really. He would never hurt her. But how can I help them to have a better relationship if he's going to freak out every time he's left in charge of her? He is pretty hopeless about doing anything with her - changes about one nappy a week. She's ebf, so he can't do feeds (we did try some expressed milk in a bottle, but she wouldn't take it). He just says he doesn't know what to do with her and she doesn't like him.

Was I wrong to leave her? I would have taken her, but she's recently taken against her car seat and cries the whole time in the car, so I didn't think that would be any good.

I think this looks like a lack of self confidence on his part (and maybe lack of maturity too). I think that's fairly common among first time dads. In his eyes, you've done all this before, know what to expect, naturally know what to do to calm the baby. He feels inferior as a parent, probably more so than the partners of first time mums. Frustrated by this, he lashes out. The only thing that will fix this is giving him more time with the baby, making him do nappies etc, doing fun playing things with her as she gets older. When he gets in from work, give him ten minutes to switch modes then hand her over while you go and make dinner, have a shower, whatever. Build it up so it's just 5 minutes at first, then 10, 20, half hour etc. Also, try to be relaxed about it rather than hovering over him (not suggesting you do but I was always tempted) - doesn't really matter if he uses wrong towel or washes her differently when giving a bath, or whatever.

Poaspcos I agree. It doesn't matter that he's not breastfeeding, exhausted, looking after the baby day in day out. Babies place different demands on dads but nevertheless it is still a big life change and can be a lot for them to cope with, and they are more likely to feel out of their depth because they DON'T look after them day in day out so therefore less likely to know the ways to calm the baby down when they are crying.

I know my DP used to dread coming home in the evenings as everytime he got in after a long day at work, DC would be screaming the house down for hours on end and we'd be taking it in turns desperately rocking him to sleep, wouldn't get him down until 11pm and then we'd go to bed ourselves. I was formula feeding and we took it in tursn with the feeds in the night. So he was still a hands on dad. Even if I were breastfeeding he'd have been doing the middle of the night nappy changes etc too. So don't assume that dads don't do a lot of work too; it can be just as exhausting for them working all day and then coming home and taking over because mummy needs a break from the baby, and lots of men do help out during the night.

Yes, cricket, if you had lost it badly enough that you had splinted a door next to the baby by kicking it so hard, I would think you needed help - either counselling, anger management. etc.

But I don't think you're saying you did that. As I said, everybody gets shouty sometimes. Being violent, by kicking doors, throwing things, whatever, is a whole step further over the line of acceptability, imo. Whether it's done by a man or woman is irrelevant.

I'd be concerned that he kicked the door beside the baby.

No-one is saying it's all sunshine and flowers with a little one. Sleep-deprived and shattered, I often locked myself in the toilet and threw soft toys at the floor but nowhere near the baby and not within earshot either; and as a PP pointed out there's a massive difference between reaching the end of your tether when you are feeding and looking after a child 24/7. He had her for an hour.

At a very practical level, what if he'd lost his balance when kicking the door beside her? what if he had misjudged his kick? what if the splinters had hit your DD?

You asked him to step up for an hour and he's acted in such a way that really you should be questioning if you can trust him to look after her at all (and was that part of his intention? to get back at you for leaving him to be responsible for his child for an hour?) His actions aren't the actions of a reasonable or gentle man so if this is out of character then suggest he sees his GP. He has crossed boundaries here.

It's not about double standards, and it's not the DH posting here. It's not about sexism or misogyny, it's about the non main carer having a dangerous temper.

If a mother posted on here that she'd shouted at her baby and kicked the nearby door I'd write he exact same post

However I'd like to detract what I said about your husband not necessarily being a gentle man, Op.

It sounds like you're too nice OP in general about equal division of labour!
I am a giant meanie and no way would I let my partner toddle off to spend 3 nights away playing computer games while I held the baby at home. He would love to, don't get me wrong, but I just wouldn't let him!

Babies are hard. He doesn't get to opt out. He'll have a much better relationship with daughter in the long run if he doesn't shy away from the hard relentless bits.

I would be worried about this. How long have you been together? We all know children can push our buttons but I cannot possibly see how a 4 month old baby crying could cause this sort of behaviour in a grown adult unless they have anger issues.

That's a good plan OP. Sometimes it just helps to know that children are hard work and sometimes it's ok to make sure they're safe and walk away to calm down.

Doing things together will help make him more confident when he does them alone too.

My ex h did frequent nappy changes and rocking to sleep etc, as well as holding down a busy job. He definitely needs to step up.

For those of you saying that there's a difference between hitting someone and kicking a door shut...

Of course there is a difference

Even a gentle man can lose his temper. Babies are bloody hard work and it is really easy to lose your temper, scream and shout, but having said that I wouldn't leave him alone with your DD until she is a lot older.
He can still have plenty of other bonding time - bathtime, reading bedtime story etc

I'm sorry but I wouldn't leave them alone again together until I was damn sure that he could cope with a lengthy period of a crying baby.

Even with all the hands on parenting training in the world, sometimes babies just cry. It's not personal, he needs to deal with it and find mechanisms to cope

I hit a door (admittedly not in front of baby) and shouted at my baby to go to sleep first time around. I had PND in hindsight. My husband who is incredibly placid has even snapped at the baby.

I'm not saying it's right but I completely agree that some of the responses here are massively overblown.

Talk to your local children's centre to see if they do any courses for dads, or parenting courses you could do together. My DH found it hard to bond during the early months when DC just wanted mum (aka boob) but it should improve.

I shouted quite a few times as my Dd when she was a similar age. She never slept. First time sleeping through the night was 15 months old. At 3 months I was getting on average 3 hours sleep a night (broken into three or four segments.) Then after 30-40 mins of sleep she would wake up again and scream and scream. I was so tired. I remember walking the living room with her in a sling and pulling my own hair at the roots to keep me awake as I was falling asleep standing up even with the screaming. The tiredness certainly contributed to the shouting however it was more that she was my first baby and I didnt know what to do/how to comfort her anx she was very colicky and I was desperately trying to learn on the job and most of my rage came from the fact that I felt it was unfair that I was trying so hard and she wasnt 'appreciating' it by being calm and sleeping. (Retrospectively I realised this was a ridiculous thought)
Now that shes older (2 yrs) I ride out toddler tantrums with ease because I know what it is, however daft- that she wants. And all the pitched fits are made.up by then fact she can and does express live and affection back.
I feel sorry for your DH- ive been there myself.

*love. Sorry for spelling errors- autocorrect

I don't think I'd leave him alone with her until I was sure that he could cope without getting angry.

Your poor little one, she must have been terrified. Even at my most unhappy/grumpy/tired (DD had reflux and discomfort from a cow's milk protein allergy and basically screamed ALL the time for five months) I would never have kicked a door near her.

Maybe you could both go and see a gentle parenting expert together? I did an amazing course that really revolutionised my approach to being a mum and there were lots of couples on it. It was a good chance to talk about the frustrations of parenting, the differences in how we'd been parented and how we approached parenting ourselves, and dealing with things that we find challenging and difficult.

IMHO ebf children are harder to 'share' with the dad; I don't think it's a bad thing, I just think his focus needs to be on supporting YOU right now while you care for your little one, and that their relationship will build naturally later when she is more independent. I found a big difference from the time my LO was on solids and her relationship with male family members blossomed as she became more independent and now has amazing relationships with them.

DoubleStandards

Would they arse if you added on that you had just returned from a 3 day respite break that you spent gaming or at the spa and the sole responsibility you took for your child was one hour and it was during that hour you couldn't cope and snapped.

Jeez....

To those who have done the same. This man only had her for less than an hour. He is not her main carer. The most he might do for her is change a nappy once a week or so. Its not like he has spent hours, days and weeks trying to cope with her.

Less than one hour and he kicked a door next to the baby :( screamed/shouted at her.

That's not normal.

If OP had posted that she was lying on the floor beside a door and 'annoying' her DH and he walked over and kicked the door so hard that it splintered, would you all be saying that was ok? And if not, then why is it ok to act so threateningly and violently beside a baby?

This isn't about losing your temper or getting to the end of your tether. It's about how you respond when you're there and his response was to kick a door beside where a baby was lying. I'm sure their house has more than one door but either he was so angry, he didn't think about removing himself from the baby or he was so angry with the baby that he wanted to threaten her into silence. Neither of them is good enough from someone who is responsible for a child.

not totally related but many people mentioned reflux. our son had this. turns out milk protein intolerant. Hospital , docs etc were rubbish. anyway we got a Graco Sweetpeace it soothed him and gave some relief from walking back and forth.

i cannot possibly see how a 4 month old baby crying could cause this sort of behaviour in a grown adult unless they have anger issues.

Some four month olds cry for hours on end.

You don't see how that might cause someone to lose their rag?

But the point is, this man was left with the baby for one hour.

Why do people keep talking about how hard it is when babies 'cry for hours on end'. That is irrelevant here. He was only left in charge for one hour. I would have serious concerns about this man.

" I feel bad about asking him to do stuff seeing as I'm on maternity leave and he is working (in a tough, physically tiring job)"

this needs to stop - he is a parent regardless of his job - when he is at home he can be hands on just as you are equally.

do what pp said and make sure he has lots of short bursts with her when he is home. that he changes nappies etc. rocks, baths her.

reads to her and sings to her.

that he works is no excuse for not having fun bonding time with his dd .

is this really the only time he has shown anger like this?
is it really only this tiny baby that is bringing out the worst?