Is my husband nasty & mean or am I completely at fault?

[gummychops]

Just need some perspective as I don't know what to do.
We've been together 5 years, married for 2, & have a 5 months old who we both adore. Were both fairly long in the tooth (I'm now 38 & he's 46) when we met, & fell madly in love very quickly. I love him to bits most of the time, but he's a nightmare to communicate with, & we can't discuss anything contentious without it turning into an argument.
If something has annoyed me, or we've had cross words, I'll want to talk about it & let him know why it annoyed/upset me. But he just wants to forget it happened & move on. To me, that just harbours resentment & means the "issue" will likely keep recurring.

Our latest barny started like this: I put baby to bed last night. (Nearly always me doing it as DH works late) As per usual, he fought going to sleep in bedside cot, wailed for ages, & eventually fell asleep snuggled up beside me on bed. As he nodded off, I suddenly had revelation that maybe bedroom is just too bright for him, with light curtains & facing evening sun. (Maybe this should have occurred to me sooner....doh!....) So when I eventually got back downstairs I reported my (hopefully) genius revelation to DH, saying I would try putting something darker over window to see if it helped. Note: DH was in the throes of a college assignment with a midnight deadline, but in fairness he had left it to the last minute as per usual. But he had asked how bedtime went, & I only planned to tell him re curtains idea & then leave him to work. Anyway, he dismissed the whole notion, started saying "I think we're putting him to bed too early" - kept repeating this, (we're not - it's usually between 7-8pm), "what's the big deal?"(doh! - baby is wailing & upset & obviously it's not nice for me either) He started saying "why don't we just keep baby downstairs until he's sleepy?" (we/I do!). Also, when it's him putting baby to bed if I'm out (twice!) "he just brings him out for a walk maybe at 9pm to get him to nod off , why can't we just do that every night?" I explained again all about bedtime routines etc, which he should know. He was obviously getting frustrated with conversation & saying "what do you want me to do???!!". I didn't want him to do anything! I just wanted to mention curtains idea, & didn't appreciate him suddenly questioning & criticising the whole bedtime routine I had been trying to establish 😞To clarify, baby sometimes goes to sleep easily enough, but has been bad every night for past week.
I left the room, then called into him asking when he was ready for dinner. He grumpily said he didn't know, I said "well, are you hungry?, again a grumpy "I don't know, I'm not hungry, I'm busy, I'm under pressure" So of course I got cranky & said "I'm only trying to help!" I warmed up dinner & gave it to him, popped in once or twice to see if he wanted a cup of tea, but was stand-off ish & obviously still annoyed.

Sorry this is so long! Fast forward to today, & we're both civil with each other but not exactly friendly or affectionate.
I tried to start a conversation by saying "you were a bit stressed last night". I planned to then let him know I was upset about direction conversation took last night, & ask why was he suddenly questioning & criticising bed TIME all of a sudden, & let him know why it pissed me off.
That's not how our discussion went tho! Before I'd barely got a word out, he blew up at me. Apparently, he "wasn't stressed!!!". He was "under pressure!!!" I said, ok I was just trying to be supportive (i.e. re making dinner when he wanted it) Apparently I should have just made it & handed it to him. (N.B. he's not a caveman, he does most of the cooking) And "I wasn't being supportive, I was trying to cause an argument as usual".
I barely got to say a word for the next few minutes....he started getting really angry, saying I'm always looking for an argument, that's my pattern etc, why can't I just leave things. He wouldn't let me explain why I was upset. I was crying & at one point he sneeringly complained about my "pathetic whining". When I tried to ask if he meant the crying, or having a moan about the baby the previous night, he really blew up. Apparently I was always asking questions, interrogating him etc. Why couldn't I just "reflect on my own behaviour". He also called me a moron & a psycho at various points.
I tried to say, as I've done during/after previous arguments, that we just deal with conflicts differently - I want to discuss, he wants to ignore, why can't we compromise or maybe get some help from a counsellor blah blah blah... But when he's like this he just won't listen to anything.....
But also, if I try to suggest same when everything is rosy between us he says it's unnecessary, every couple falls out etc etc....why am I bringing it up, almost getting annoyed...

Sorry again this is so long, but I have 2 main questions.
How do we improve our communication when we're so different or should I just adopt his way of ignoring every conflict/issue as he's unwilling to change?

Is it ok for one person to say such horrible things (moron, psycho etc) in the heat of an argument, & then expect the other person not to be seriously considering divorce?

Sounds like you both are caught up in a cycle of getting on each other's nerves. You needle and dig and he lashes out, he lashes out and you continue to go on. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

Sorry for the rant, but I hate being misquoted/misrepresented. And maybe I am like a dog with a bone as one poster said. It has been said before, & it's something I need to work on. I am a determined person but that can obviously be a bad thing too.

And thanks for replying again Gabilan. I do agree that I need to take on board criticism from some posters that I was irritating in their view. Obviously if it would have irritated them, it might have irritated my DH, I see that.

Very gracious OP. I think I can be pretty awful at times, so I sort of identify with your DH. I think over the course of a long, mainly happy marriage I've just learnt when to stay quiet and when to fight my corner.

Not today though, we've had a huge bust up. Mainly my fault.

I think the statement "you were a bit stressed last night" said to a person who has been up late working on a deadline, who is most likely still going to be stressed the next day, was perhaps not the best way to word things. You say you then planned to tell him about how he'd upset you, so I think maybe he jumped in at that point as he knew he was about to be in for a telling off, which he probably was if you are honest with yourself. Still feeling the stress, it was the last thing he probably wanted to know, how he's failed you.
How you could see it, is that he reacted angrily the previous night because, yes he was stressed (or under pressure as he prefers to refer to it). Then leave it at that if you are being understanding, that is all you need to understand, it was not necessarily personal. He seems like a person who is under pressure at work, who might have some fears of not succeeding in what he's doing, realize there may be more pressure happening in his job than you know. You could try asking him at a calmer time how his work is going. I'm not excusing his over-reaction and out of order name calling, if it happens when he is not under pressure, it's indefensible. Just saying that, if he's feeling under great pressure applying more, by insisting he addresses how he wronged you, although you already know why he did, may backfire and it seems it has.

Thanks, OP. Take care - impossible to tell for sure on here but I can see why some pp think he might be abusive. Hopefully seeing a counsellor on your own will help you work that out.

I agree with most posters who said you were so annoying all along but then he went too far. In a relationship we need to be aware of the other persons circumstances before saying stuff. If l had an assignment l would want total peace and quiet. My dc are often working on assignments at home and by golly we know not to interfere in those crucial last hours. And next morning l would expect to be cut some slack if l had been a bit sharp.
But calling names is totally out. I think we were nearly all on his side until you mentioned some of the names.

He communicated clearly that he was under pressure. You were in and out about dinner and then TWICE about desperate cups of tea. I can't bear that sort of attention seeking dressed up as helpfulness.

But he shouldn't talk to you like that.

When I'm doing an assignment and DH brings me a cup of tea, I don't see that as attention seeking. I see someone who tries to helpful and nice and support me in a way he can.
Same with proposing dinner, esp as we normally eat together so it would look quite normal to ask. If DH had prepared dinner and eaten wo telling me, I would have been hurt actually.

Why does everything you do for someone be attention seeking??

I agree Everything, she was trying to be supportive, ok, slightly annoying but her intentions were good.

The way he speaks to you OP is never OK, even if you had been annoying him, calling you a moron and a psycho is bordering on abusive behaviour, do not tolerate it!

It sounds like HE'S the one vying for a fight with you all the time, especially if you actually happen to disagree with him, he sounds very unpleasant.

I also find it alarming that his reaction to your crying was to tell you that you are a pathetic whiner. - sorry but I just don't get this horrible language he uses to communicate with you, it's disgusting.

You're both in the wrong to a degree. FWIW you don't really need a bedtime routine. Things worked fine for my 3 by just going with the flow.

If Someone is under pressure, concentrating, doing intense brain work, and has already signalled he is not hungry, not thinking about food, at which she 'of course got cranky' , and then proceeds to pop in a few times, then yes, strong possibility that it comes across as attention seeking or a sort of clingy appeasement because they had had tension,

If I want / need to work uninterrupted, that means uninterrupted, for good or bad reasons.

I do a lot of deadline work. It's not just a matter of sitting at the computer and putting in a certain amount of time. Getting into the zone and focusing on what I am writing is important, those constant interruptions re tea, petty household matters, etc. would interrupt my train of thought and drive me insane.

I would resent being made out to be the bad guy while someone disingenously shined her halo and played the put-out victim saying "i was just trying to be helpful," etc. When I want help I will ask for it, would be my response.

It sounds like both of these partners need some personal space.

Having just spent 5 years completing a degree I think you just don't get the privilege of being able to 'intensely focus' on an assignment the day it is due in when you have a 5 month old baby.

I always tried to plan assignments with one week spare for contingency. If I didn't manage to complete them in that time and was on the last minute I had to put up with four interrupting DC (twins had just turned one when I started) I just had to put up with it.

If my xh had asked me about wanting drinks/food I would have calmly explained my POV the first time whether it was 'I need to really focus on this, could you just leave me to it and I'll be back to being a communicative and involved human tomorrow when it is done?!'

Or

'Oh that's really nice of you, thank you. Sorry I am so involved with this tonight and can't be a functioning human'

If you want to fix communication issues may I recommend a book called 'Feeling good together' by Dr David burns

It genuinely changed my life. And the absolute best part about it was I changed a few of my behaviours which were unhelpful and it transformed the way we communicate.

I don't think it is hard to not be a dick to other ppl when you are under pressure TBH and it usually means, having communicated what you need to them in a nice way, you are more likely to get what you need from them and keep your relationships happy and calm.