H and I have been together 22 years, married for 18, we have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old. He has known this woman since he was 17 (he is now 53). At the beginning of our relationship I met her when he took me to the christening of her children. She didn't like me and sent a vitriolic letter to him which I found and read. Now I understand why. When DS was a baby they were emailing each other - we'd only be married 9 months. I feel betrayed and sick.
So should I send this email? I am most angry with him as he made the marriage vows, but really, how could she?
"Well, hello [insert appropriate expletive here].
I'm not sure if [Dickwad] has told you but I came across some naked pictures of you in his wankfest folder last week. This follows about 2 weeks after I found the sex toys and porn stash, and around 6 weeks after I came across the inappropriate messages he'd been sending a female running club member. It's been quite a cascade of events.
Oh, apparently he's a sex addict and that makes it all okay because he can't help it. And apparently so are you. Well, who knew.
Well, you know what, I can't fucking do the 'oh it's okay' thing.
He said you hold me the highest regard. Yeah, right. So high that you and he can exchange a series of emails when DS is a newborn bemoaning the lack of sex and my unreasonableness, but it's okay coz he can get off on your description of your labia. Thank you for that. Oh, and the pictures of you in the bath, and in your oh so sexy uniform. Well, who knew.
And of course I can't forget the letter you wrote to him after the weekend I spent at your children's christening when we were a very new relationship and I was completely out of my depth. I may well have been a complete cunt but I didn't deserve the character assassination you gave me. Now, maybe, it makes sense.
You know, behind every pornographic picture and furtive glance at someone else's partner, there is another human being. I am not deserving of your and his disregard. And I don't care that it was years ago. Really. Both of you. How could you.
I wish you the best for your new marriage. I hope it is founded on truth and not lies and secrets. Unfortunately mine is and therefore it is probably over. Something to think about."
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Relationships
Should I send this email?
ShellingPeasAgain · 04/07/2016 15:26
What do you think it will actually achieve apart from giving you a momentary grim satisfaction? Or will you just have that "oh fuck what have I done?" feeling?
As others have said, I don't think it's worth it.
They both sound awful - I'm so sorry 
I can feel your hurt and anger coming through loud and clear. You have EVERY RIGHT to be fuming about this.
To answer your question, NO I wouldn't send the letter.
(1) Don't let the bitch know she's got to you. It'll make her feel important. She obviously gets off on feeling she's getting one over on another woman.
(2) When you send an email/letter, you lose control over where it ends up. This could be used against you who knows where (FB)?
(3) Like another poster has said, it could be used against you in a legal battle.
Let your anger and fury out in private, here or with trusted friends IRL.
Be as cool, collected and full of disdain as you can be when dealing with your husband, if you intend to end your marriage. Why give him a second more of your energy, passion or headspace? That will confuse and worry them more to be honest, wondering why you aren't more obviously upset, and what you are planning to do next. What's the point of showing upset and hurt to individuals who can be as callous as this? They won't get it.
I am so sorry you are in this situation, I really am.
I really wouldn't send it to her, she will probably sit there and laugh at you 
If she is married I would send the photos plus an email to her DH or her mother/boss/brother
Aside from that, lick your wounds and hold your head high. It is of course HIS fault this happened so concentrate on that.
Sorry OP
They are both as bad as each other, him breaking his vows, her knowing he is married. They are both disgusting scumbags.
Don't send the email, he deserves to pay for what he's done and sending that email might impact that. All the best
Oh, I think it's great. Except for 'Dear [expletive]'. I would either use her name or STBX's pet name for her.
The view from the moral high ground ain't all that. If you'd written the kind of rageful rant I was expecting, I'd counsel silence - but you've expressed yourself really well. Why not send it?
The past couple of months must have been ghastly for you, Peas. I'm very sorry your twunt of a husband has undermined you so.
Wishing you all the good friends and good luck you need for a reasonably straightforward separation
I would take out the second "well who knew." Otherwise I think it is excellent. I don't think it makes you sound unhinged at all and I would send it. And my sympathies
I wouldn't send it because however well you write it, it can be taken apart, misinterpreted and used against you in another context.
The guardian 'letter to' might be good. But here is the best place 
.
I would be tempted to type a brief email saying "found the pics you sent my husband, I think they are more appropriate for your soon-to-be husband so I'll just forward them to him and his best man. Hope you have a lovely wedding and the speeches go well"
(but no, I wouldn't send it)
Are you likely to be invited to the wedding? Maybe print off some copies of the pics and pop them on the tables at the reception
Oh OP... my heart goes out to you
As pp have said, don't send the email - but write it in a letter, and rip it the fuck to pieces, burn it.
You have every right to feel the way you do - to be furious and to want to lash out and destroy things - these feelings are entirely legitimate. But don't her them the benefit of seeing you lose your shit. Never, ever speak to her or having anything to do with her again. Because, from your email, this is a nugget of truth:
You know, behind every pornographic picture and furtive glance at someone else's partner, there is another human being. I am not deserving of your and his disregard.
Now for him - he's the guy who owed you something, and betrayed you - he's the one who needs to be extracted from your life.
I was once treated pretty badly by an ex (not over the same amount of time, but with complete lack of care none the less) and the only thing I can advise is to be bigger, better and braver than he is. I knew that it'd be in his interests to paint me as the 'bad guy' so I made sure I was beyond reproach and I got a strange satisfaction about being calm and stoic about the whole thing (in front of him and others - inside I was a seething pit of hatred).
MANY UNMUMSNETTY HUGS!
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