Should I send this email?

[ShellingPeasAgain]

H and I have been together 22 years, married for 18, we have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old. He has known this woman since he was 17 (he is now 53). At the beginning of our relationship I met her when he took me to the christening of her children. She didn't like me and sent a vitriolic letter to him which I found and read. Now I understand why. When DS was a baby they were emailing each other - we'd only be married 9 months. I feel betrayed and sick.

So should I send this email? I am most angry with him as he made the marriage vows, but really, how could she?

"Well, hello [insert appropriate expletive here].

I'm not sure if [Dickwad] has told you but I came across some naked pictures of you in his wankfest folder last week. This follows about 2 weeks after I found the sex toys and porn stash, and around 6 weeks after I came across the inappropriate messages he'd been sending a female running club member. It's been quite a cascade of events.

Oh, apparently he's a sex addict and that makes it all okay because he can't help it. And apparently so are you. Well, who knew.

Well, you know what, I can't fucking do the 'oh it's okay' thing.

He said you hold me the highest regard. Yeah, right. So high that you and he can exchange a series of emails when DS is a newborn bemoaning the lack of sex and my unreasonableness, but it's okay coz he can get off on your description of your labia. Thank you for that. Oh, and the pictures of you in the bath, and in your oh so sexy uniform. Well, who knew.

And of course I can't forget the letter you wrote to him after the weekend I spent at your children's christening when we were a very new relationship and I was completely out of my depth. I may well have been a complete cunt but I didn't deserve the character assassination you gave me. Now, maybe, it makes sense.

You know, behind every pornographic picture and furtive glance at someone else's partner, there is another human being. I am not deserving of your and his disregard. And I don't care that it was years ago. Really. Both of you. How could you.

I wish you the best for your new marriage. I hope it is founded on truth and not lies and secrets. Unfortunately mine is and therefore it is probably over. Something to think about."

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP, you said you won't send it (yet, anyway. My post was to urge you to take more time to stop and think. I didn't say you were in the wrong and yes, you have the right of anger - level it at your husband and pay this woman no regard now, she has no right to know your pain and upset.

Meant with kindness but, if you post for opinions, you will get them - from people who may or may not be going through what you are. I'm gently urging you to keep your own counsel where this woman is concerned, get your husband out of your life - and then decide if/when you will contact her. I wouldn't - and not as you have. Your raw pain she doesn't need to know because she may not even care.

[FinallyHere]

Oh, I'm so sorry that this has landed on you.

By all means write the letter, get it out of your head onto paper, then set fire to it or whatever means something to you. Please do not give her the satisfaction of knowing she has got to you. All the very best.

[ShellingPeasAgain]

God. Some of the distress is because he still has an intimacy with her, regardless of whether or not they are still exchanging emails or pictures or whatever. He talked to her about my concerns with the other OW he was messaging! And about my finding his porn stash and the sex toys. There is such a level of sharing between them which I find hard to deal with.

She got remarried a couple of weeks ago. I am not remotely bothered about that and I am not seeking revenge because she is happy and my marriage is in tatters. I am just taken aback that someone who is supposed to be a friend can be so duplicitous, and that both of them can continue this level of 'friendship' on through so many years. I know it's not physical because she lives a 6 hour drive away but the emotional connection they have is beyond anything remotely acceptable.

[Iamdobby63]

I'm sure people who say you should take the high road are correct, however, I would have to send it. Best to take a few days and then see how you feel.

Do you have a time scale in mind for when you will separate? In the mean time I would at least make him sleep in spare bed or sofa and have as little to do with him as possible.

The running person rings a bell, had you posted about it before?

[RachelLynde]

Write it, send it to yourself, and sleep on it. I can see why you would want to send it, but I do think it may be better not to, you will feel better if you behave more coldly than you actually feel. I have never been especially good at behaving in a dignified fashion when screwed over, but I know it would be better for me if I were better at it.

[memyselfandaye]

I would send it too, and as a previous poster mentioned let her know he still has pictures of her fanny, they aren't stored securely.

Although that could sound like a threat and get you arrested, so maybe word it differently.

[2yummymummy2]

The thing about the letter is that

She doesn't care what you think of her

if she did or had any conscience she wouldn't be sexting a married man or have been horrible to you before

I would make photocopies of everything, go see a solicitor and ask them about divorce. I agree with others your husband is the problem. She's just one of many to men like him.

Does she have a partner?

[Iamdobby63]

I get where you are coming from, clearly she is no friend to you or your marriage.

How do you know he discussed the running person with her? Do you know how she replied?

[ShellingPeasAgain]

He told me he talked to her about running message woman. And that I found his sex toys and porn stash. Apparently I should appreciate he has a problem. Ha. Fuck that.

[2yummymummy2]

Being a sex addict is just an excuse used by many men

What do you think of Katie price staying with her husband after her cheated and he claimed to be a sex addict?

Don't buy his excuse I'm sure once you speak to a solicitor they will tell you they hear that line all the time

You have proof of infidelity so use it to get a quick divorce

[ShellingPeasAgain]

And he spolke to her about because she has the same issue with sex addictrion. Apparently.

[QueenofallIsee]

I would send it - she is a complete cunt who has been carrying on with your husband since day 1 and continues to be inappropriate with him, enabling his bad bahaviour while pretending to be your friend. I would send it and finish it with

'I will slap the ever-loving shit out of you and kick you in your oh-so-descriptive labia if you so much as look at me again you complete cunt'

[2yummymummy2]

That's an excuse
It's easy to meet people on tinder for sex, they have been in regular contact and been meeting up

He must like her, sorry it's not nice to hear but why would he go to all that effort when he could meet some random person online instead for sex or pay a prostitute

The letter is well written but it's going to be wasted on her, she doesn't have a conscience so she won't care what you say or do

Neither does your husband, judge him by his actions not what he says

There is a massive difference between watching porn and meeting people in real life

Go speak to a solicitor they will tell you the same thing, sex addiction must be blamed for loads of affairs as its an easy excuse and makes you think that your husband can be fixed or just needs help and makes you want to help him.

What he needs is divorce papers!

[Iamdobby63]

Well... If she has the same problem then she is not the best person for him to talk to! They really should get together, they deserve each other.

[sansXsouci]

I sent a letter to OW, DH hadn't done anything physical, but other inappropriate stuff. That was 18 months ago, I've never been anything other than glad I sent it and I couldn't care less what she thinks of me.

[2yummymummy2]

Some psychiatrists don't believe that sex addiction even exists

Has he always had a non stop sex drive? Or is he just saying it to make you feel sorry for him and try to fix him ?

Another thought, get yourself checked out for std's

Your husband is scum for doing this to you X

[Cguk81]

I would be raging! Can totally understand your rage and I think your email is very restrained given what's happened. Do you move in the same circles? Is it likely you will come face to face with her? You should send her dirty pics back to her with a critique for each one, maybe scores out of 10!

[2yummymummy2]

I think you need to be careful not to do anything that could result in you charged with harassment or revenge porn

I would tell her to stay away from your husband but you said it's not just her it's someone in the running club too so you'd have to tell her as well

She prob won't care anyway. But if she has been horrible to you in the past then she may go to the police if you threaten to hit her or anything, even though she deserves it

[Cguk81]

2yummymummy2 has a much more sensible and reasoned response than me...take her advice

[GarlicStake]

It's a side issue, but - I was in rehab with some sex addicts and joined in some of their SLA meetings. They do weird shit - I mean, things you might have done once or twice in your life when you were off your face, but they do them every day and often several times a day. They are incredibly unhappy about it and also kind of proud - exactly like any other addict, who may have insane gambling/high/drunk stories to tell but needs to make them sound exciting.

It makes me very cross when I hear your average dick-led Joe whining about 'sex addiction'. No, they have sex addiction like I have chocolate digestive addiction. It's not hard to stay away from the biscuits but they make me feel nice. I wouldn't risk a relationship for chocolate digestives, because I'm not that bloody self-centred or complacent.

[Cherylene]

There was a similar thread a few months ago, where an OP's partner had continued a long standing occasional relationship into theirs. They seemed to enjoy the subterfuge. The OP decided to leave him and eventually met with the OW's DH to explain why (with evidence, if necessary) as he was completely in the dark about the whole thing. They knew each other socially and it seemed the right thing.

Of course, this OW's DH may know and be ok about the whole thing.

[Summerlovinf]

The issue you've got is with your husband. sending a letter to the OW is a waste of time and the tone of this isn't going to make you come across well or put any kind of real point across. You've surely got enough to tell you to leave him now - you sound (understandably) bitter - time to get rid. You'll feel a lot better for it.

[timelytess]

Send nothing. Make your solicitor's appointment, if you haven't already. Collect and store all evidence and useful documents.

Let him think he's taking you in.
Then divorce the backside off him and take everything you can get.

Dignity and money are what counts.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I will slap the ever-loving shit out of you and kick you in your oh-so-descriptive labia if you so much as look at me again you complete cunt

Well if the OP did send ^ as pp has suggested then expect a visit from the police!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Indeed Piglet, it would be deserved too. I didn't see who posted that but it's disgusting.