Should I send this email?

[ShellingPeasAgain]

H and I have been together 22 years, married for 18, we have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old. He has known this woman since he was 17 (he is now 53). At the beginning of our relationship I met her when he took me to the christening of her children. She didn't like me and sent a vitriolic letter to him which I found and read. Now I understand why. When DS was a baby they were emailing each other - we'd only be married 9 months. I feel betrayed and sick.

So should I send this email? I am most angry with him as he made the marriage vows, but really, how could she?

"Well, hello [insert appropriate expletive here].

I'm not sure if [Dickwad] has told you but I came across some naked pictures of you in his wankfest folder last week. This follows about 2 weeks after I found the sex toys and porn stash, and around 6 weeks after I came across the inappropriate messages he'd been sending a female running club member. It's been quite a cascade of events.

Oh, apparently he's a sex addict and that makes it all okay because he can't help it. And apparently so are you. Well, who knew.

Well, you know what, I can't fucking do the 'oh it's okay' thing.

He said you hold me the highest regard. Yeah, right. So high that you and he can exchange a series of emails when DS is a newborn bemoaning the lack of sex and my unreasonableness, but it's okay coz he can get off on your description of your labia. Thank you for that. Oh, and the pictures of you in the bath, and in your oh so sexy uniform. Well, who knew.

And of course I can't forget the letter you wrote to him after the weekend I spent at your children's christening when we were a very new relationship and I was completely out of my depth. I may well have been a complete cunt but I didn't deserve the character assassination you gave me. Now, maybe, it makes sense.

You know, behind every pornographic picture and furtive glance at someone else's partner, there is another human being. I am not deserving of your and his disregard. And I don't care that it was years ago. Really. Both of you. How could you.

I wish you the best for your new marriage. I hope it is founded on truth and not lies and secrets. Unfortunately mine is and therefore it is probably over. Something to think about."

[OnionKnight]

It was QueenofallIsee.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

OP, I wasn't insinuating that your reasons for emailing her was because she was newly married and that somehow highlighted your issues with your DH.
I was confused over the time in which these events took place.
You need to get out of this sham of a marriage; I'd be livid too if I were in your shoes.
I feel for you; I feel for this wretched woman's husband too, but you have to remain dignified. It's only a matter of time before OW's husband discovers their secret.

[Incognita82]

I totally get the fact that it does not hurt less because it was 17 years ago OP. When I found out that my exH had been having an affair with his assistant for the last 3 years (to the extent that they had to DNA test her daughter to find out if she was his or her husband's) that hurt a lot but I could console myself that even the best marriages go stale in time.

Then I found out that he had first cheated on me 20 years ago before we even had children and that was devastating. My whole life had been wasted with someone who did not love me and he basically procured a whole marriage and family through deception of the cruellest kind. I still have not got over that and I do not think I ever will.

Divorce him. He does not deserve you and don't buy any of the sex addiction crap - he is just a nasty, sleazy entitled little man.

I am afraid I also have to say though that sending the letter might give them some sort of legal claim against you. Much better surely to meet the new H and update him verbally on what his wife is like (joke).

[Wonkydonkey44]

I'd send it!
Massive hugs x

[Kittencatkins123]

I would print out and post the pics to her.

[Asprilla11]

Send copies of her photos to her place of work, pin them on notice boards in GP's, Hospitals and Supermarkets. Send them to 'Reader's Wives' and dirty magazines. Finally set up an open photo sharing account which anyone can view, then upload the photos and post the link anonymously.


Not really but you could THINK about doing it

[ShellingPeasAgain]

Ha GarlicStake love your analogy re chocolate biscuits. My addiction would be cheese and biscuits, love the way it tastes but too much makes you feel sick and bloated.

I won't send the email and have deleted it.

It was a way of getting some of the anger out of my head. I am surprised at the number of responses tbh and it has made me think a lot about things. I was aware that not everyone would agree with me and a reality check is always a good thing.

God this is a mess though. Aside from all the infidelity stuff there are huge underlying issues in our relationship and it is so broken. Not quite where I thought I would be in the year I turn 50. Cheating arse of a husband, half finished house, reduced financial circumstances, two gorgeous children who really don't deserve the fuckup of parents they have. It sucks.

[Iamdobby63]

Fuck up of parent (singular).

[thestarryeyedsurprise]

I would send it.. But I'm Abit of a knob

[MatildaTheCat]

Look, this year is going to be like draining an access: painful, messy and distasteful. But the rewards will be far greater. A life spent well without a sleaze ball in your life telling you lies and giving you STIs.

It was right to delete the email but only because you need to focus on getting him out of your life and getting the best possible settlement. Hope you have a SHL and lots of good friends who will support you.

[SandyY2K]

The fact that it was 17 years ago doesn't make the hurt any less than if it was yesterday. He's had an affair with her the whole time of a physical or emotional nature.

So I can understand why you are absolutely fuming and mad at him. If you weren't it wouldn't be normal TBH.

You are more graceful than many women who would exact a hellish revenge on her believe me.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap and you're probably right, they had a thing going before you got married. So not only is he a so called sex addict, he's a blatant liar too.

((((()))) to you.