Full custody - I don't know what to do?

[KyleM]

Hi everyone, I won't go in the history of what is currently going on with myself and I have another thread if you want to bring yourself up to speed but as the title suggests I am thinking of going for full custody of my biological daughter.

My wife is/was a fantastic mother and I never thought I would be in a position where I question her parenting skills but many people are starting to get concerned and I'm not sure what to do!

I'm completely oblivious to what will be required of me and I know the courts tend to favour the mother but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Does anyone have any knowledge on this subject?

it's very early days as far as your separation goes. Maybe your DW is still adjusting, and finding things harder than she expected. How is she off financially?

Before you separated did you discuss how you would both like things to pan out over the next few months regarding access to your DD, financial support etc? Ex and I did this and while things have changed slightly over time (18 months now) to better accommodate his work etc we have arrangements that we're happy with, and more importantly the dcs are happy with. Just fwiw, he sees them for bedtime twice a week and both days (for part of the day, he does swimming lessons etc) at the weekend. Once a fortnight is a bit crap I think, unless there are solid reasons (work, distance etc) for it.

Just as an aside, I know if my ex notice the fridge was bare he'd straight away ask if I was ok, did I need more money or for him to do a shop.....

You've had some good advice here and I agree with the majority, you've many years of parenting together ahead, you can either work with your wife - which means communicating! - or get your head tied in knots listening to 2nd hand opinions.

I think I know what I need to do.

I have to walk away from all future contact with my mil, sil and any mutual friends shared.

I should be meeting with my W over the next week of so as we need to have a conversation about divorce and how we proceed going forward so maybe I can have a conversation about our daughters and what's best for them and us moving forward then.

God. If a woman posted that her male partner had left a child with headlice you'd have been all over him. This board has some serious issues.

Your 'concern' for your ex reads more like collecting ammunition to build a case against her

"God. If a woman posted that her male partner had left a child with headlice you'd have been all over him. This board has some serious issues." no I wouldn't. Head lice are bastards and once one in the class has them it's likely everyone will get them. Plus girls with long hair have a lot harder time as they're a nightmare to get rid of.

The only thing I think people would have a differing view on is if a male ex cut the daughter's hair to get rid of the lice. Which TBH I wouldn't disagree with either.

And if a woman was going through her ex's fridge to judge it to her satisfaction I would criticise her just as harshly.

It's one thing to have concerns, although TBH I think that when a couple separates their differences in parenting become more apparent, it's quite another to start talking about going for full residency before any kind of discussion has even been had.

Bearing in mind that the OP and his ex have only been separated for eleven weekS, and the OP has detached to the point that he is getting his information second hand from his MIL and SIL who appear to be stirring.

He is already so detached from parenting his own child that he already isn't communicating with his ex. This can only end badly.

It seems a bit drastic going from seeing your daughter once a fortnight to taking your wife to court for full 'custody.'

I don't see why you wouldn't just do what you can to support your family or ask what help is needed. If only my exh had done that before he complained about the dc's school uniform and took photos of the dishes in the sink when my dishwasher broke and sent them to social services. He could have offered to buy new uniform (not paying any child maintenance) and it would have taken him half an hour to look at the dishwasher.

Btw my dc are struggling with uniform until the end of term as I am not buying new shoes or new anything with two weeks to go.

Re the nits, I used to treat my ds on the weekend, then he would go back to school and be reinfected straight away. That went on for weeks.

Headlice are dreadful to get rid of. I once sent my dd off to stay with her dad and they rang me saying she had loads of them. I was absolutely mortified as I had been checking very regularly but I guess I must have just missed that particular lot. I still cringe about it to this day several years on! I'm a good mum and was really embarrassed.

I think you have to stop looking for ways to control your ex. I've read your other thread. She sounds like she's trying to find her feet as a single person. Checking her fridge is dreadful behaviour!

There is absolutely no way you would get full residency if you only see the kids every two weeks (have I read that right? I'm confused). Once you have left them and start having that sort of arrangement there is no way a judge would consider removing the children.

This is why I'm glad I posted on here first. I couldn't turn to my family friends with this as they have a pretty negative opinion of my W at the moment and their advice would have been favoured towards me.

I may not have liked what some people have said on here but I've needed to hear it. I'm the first to admit that the fact that there's only 3 weeks left of term completely didn't cross my mind.

I don't think you need to cut all contact with your in laws (and there's enough drama flying around without adding to it at the moment) as you are now aware that what they tell you is not going to be unbiased or the full story and when all is said and done they are your daughters grandparents and it's still too early to make that kind of decision. You and your wife still need to stand in partnership as parents even if not as husband and wife.

Can I suggest you don't make next weeks meeting about divorce .....which frankly can wait but about how you both see your parenting roles going forward and how you can both support each other for the sake of your daughters.

Divorce will rake up all sort of issues ...prioritise and sort the parenting out first. It'll be so much harder if you try to do it the other way around.

Yes, you don't need to cut contact - you just have to not gossip with them about your ex and not believe their drama.

You also have to stop jumping to extremes. Mn tell you not to take what the in laws say as Gospel > you say you'll cut contact. You're worried about the kids > you jump to trying to take them away from your ex legally. Try for some non-dramatic middle ground.

It's a difficult time for both you and your wife. I would suggest holding off from social services and try to open a constructive dialogue with your wife, going to court is all well and good but it may destroy any potential there might be for agreeing the arrangements for the children amicably.

Realistically from what you've said, the court are going to be reluctant to grant you full residency particularly as you have only recently separated and she is obviously going through that aftermath (even though it was her decision). I don't mean this to sound negative, but in my opinion head lice and tatty uniform isn't quite enough to justify a change in residency for settled children just yet - over the long term no food in the house / alcohol concerns are of course going to become more relevant. I would suggest you make it clear to your wife that you are there to support her and the children by having them every weekend, and that you'd be happy to make sure their uniform and clothes are washed and they are ready for the school the Monday after - suggest that this could give her some time to herself and that you appreciate two children alone can be difficult, but you are there for whatever they need, even if this means doing a small shop for the household now and again.

From the sound of it you are a caring father and genuinely concerned for them all, supporting the family unit even though it is broken will pay off trumps in the long run, court is very abrasive and should be avoided unless she refuses to allow you to have contact. I hope it goes well

You've had a lot of good advice .....from people who've walked the path before you.

You were married for eight years ....and presumably spent time constructing your life together before and after the wedding ......yet you are trying to tear it all down and find a new way of co existing and co parenting in a matter of weeks. Slow down .......and make considered not knee jerk decisions.

I'm not sure alcohol in the fridge was a genuine concern. The OP was concerned there was (some) alcohol in the fridge but no food. As the wife is away on holiday it would be reasonable to clear the fridge of perishables before she left. A couple of bottles of wine in a fridge in isolation wouldn't interest SS.

A person who would tell you you are right to 'go for full custody' in this situation is not your friend. A person who did that would be a gossip monger invested in whipping up drama and not in supporting you.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit. Gather information on all possible options. Fair enough to think through what each option would be like - including that of gaining full residency.

Until she gets back and you talk, you can't take the next step. And whatever you decide to do, have a further think before you take any action, however good your decision seems to be to you.

Thank you everyone, it's been tough reading some of your responses but I definitely think they were needed.

It's been difficult because my wife has completely shut me out and I've barely said 2 words to her the in the past 5 weeks but I see that we do need to sit down and actually have a conversation like adults.

It sounds like SIL and MIL have been telling you that your wife is neglecting the kids. They are overstepping and overacting, hence the negative reactions here. My own mother would probably be horrified to know that I bath the kids only once a week too. But they are happy and loved and that's what matters to me.
As an aside, it seems to work reasonnably well against nits to rinse hair with vinegar.

Your wife has shut you out because you are now separated.

Your conversation should be about reasonable contact.

Go out and buy two summer dresses from a supermarket yourself. Problem solved for £8.

Don't get why your first reaction wasn't to go and get some uniform for your children, cook them a meal and check their hair for nits

Don't get why your first reaction wasn't to go and get some uniform for your children, cook them a meal and check their hair for nits

Exactly this. Why can't you buy them uniform and treat them for headlice. You're their parent too.