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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Full custody - I don't know what to do?

97 replies

KyleM · 04/07/2016 10:49

Hi everyone, I won't go in the history of what is currently going on with myself and I have another thread if you want to bring yourself up to speed but as the title suggests I am thinking of going for full custody of my biological daughter.

My wife is/was a fantastic mother and I never thought I would be in a position where I question her parenting skills but many people are starting to get concerned and I'm not sure what to do!

I'm completely oblivious to what will be required of me and I know the courts tend to favour the mother but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Does anyone have any knowledge on this subject?

OP posts:

Reality · 04/07/2016 12:25

My children frequently have nits, hundreds of the fuckers. My mum has a horrible habit of nit combing them when she minds them (not often) and telling me they are RIDDLED and that they must have had them for weeks. Not true. We de-nit every Sunday and if they have them we comb daily. But if they catch them in the week between that's when they end up 'riddled'.

It doesn't take long for nuts to multiply.

As for the rest, as others have said, of course her fridge was empty if she was going away. Mine's currently empty because the shopping comes tomorrow.

Offred · 04/07/2016 12:26

I mean really do you think that is appropriate thinking?

How do you think your daughter will fair if your first thought is always 'court full custody' followed by 'oh ok I need to lecture her mother about bad parenting' every time you encounter a concern?

gamerchick · 04/07/2016 12:26

My post is out of concern for my wife and children

I dunno if this rings true. So many man like to cause trouble after they're shown the door, especially if they have interfering relatives alongside them. I suggest you tell the mil and the sil to stop shit stirring.

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 12:30

Ok .... You say you are asking for advice
It's a bad idea
You have no grounds whatsoever to apply for residency based on what you've written.
If you go down this route you will cause upset all round, completely blow any chance of co parenting, risk alienating your daughter and spend a lot of money on a court case you apparently have no grounds to bring so won't win.

The most constructive way forward would be to actually talk to your wife. You've said she is struggling, clearly you are too if you've gone from loving husband for eight years to angry man looking for anything to hurt your wife with. You have 13 years of co parenting ahead of you. Take the long view calm down and stop trying to control everything. Just because your marriage is over doesn't mean you can't parent with respect and cooperation.

Original poster

KyleM · 04/07/2016 12:34

I'm not looking to hurt my wife, I love my wife. I'm also not angry, I love her as much now as I ever have.

Maybe I've got this all wrong but I'm not a bad person, I would give my right arm to go back home to my wife and kids and be whole again.

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 12:37

Oh and you never answered how many sets of uniform they had 10 weeks ago. (Or even though you were living there do you not know?)

Fidelia · 04/07/2016 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KyleM · 04/07/2016 12:40

While I was there they had 2 of everything

OP posts:

TheWindInThePillows · 04/07/2016 12:40

You sound like a ball of pent-up emotions, and I think you need to find a way to deal with these, without it spilling into how you manage your co-parenting, otherwise you are going to be destructive. How can you say I'm not looking to hurt my wife in one breath then say I'm thinking of taking her children away from her! it's just contradictory and emotionally driven,

Do you have a good friend (not the SIL or anyone with a dog in the race) you could talk with? Or a counsellor?

You need to get some of these emotions sorted before you go blundering in making accusations against her about not feeding the kids and setting up a conflict in which you are very likely to lose more than her.

If you love your wife and love your children- what positive things could you do from now in to support the new arrangement? Even if it hurt emotionally to do them?

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 12:41

No you aren't a bad person but you are letting other people pull your strings and stir things up. If you have any hope of a reconciliation later or even a good parenting relationship then you need to ask yourself if you are taking the best path.

Coconutty · 04/07/2016 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BurningBridges · 04/07/2016 12:45

Wind that is pretty much what I said a few posts back and OP hasn't answered it - he needs to talk to someone in RL - I googled "help for parents splitting up" and a big list came up including this organisation - theparentconnection.org.uk/pages/aboutus

they have mediators you can talk to on-line as well

gamerchick · 04/07/2016 12:48

I don't doubt that your beliefs and actions come from you loving your wife and want to go home but trust me trying to imply that she can't cope without you and any threat to take a child away will end up with her hating you. This is a well trodden path and all it causes is misery as the cast out partner unleashes his hurt and frustration on the world. The kids are the ones who end up scarred. I suspect when there's another dude on the scene you will ramp it up as they all do.

I think you need to talk this out with an impartial body.

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 12:50

So if they only had two uniforms and now have one .......what do you think happened to the other one? Got damaged in school ? Outgrown? Mother sold them to buy gin? With two weeks left of term would washing and drying them overnight be unreasonable ? Or maybe your search of the house wasn't through enough and they were sitting in the tumble dryer or similar.

There's a reasonable explanation to all of your accusations. I'm sure you can see that. I'm guessing you weren't very hands on with stuff like uniform and shopping (empty the fridge before going away is SOP) so you are easy meat to the button pushers in your families.

Original poster

KyleM · 04/07/2016 12:53

I agree that everything I am hearing with regards to my W and what is going on is coming from friends and family members. I am not the only person concerned and that is what has lead down this path I'm currently on.

If I wasn't speaking to these people then I wouldn't have 3/4 of the concerns that I currently have.

OP posts:

Original poster

KyleM · 04/07/2016 12:55

Quite the opposite, I done all the clothes washing and ironing in the house but I will admit that the food shopping was very much my wife's domain.

OP posts:

BertPuttocks · 04/07/2016 12:55

I really think you need to take a step back from your MIL and SIL. They seem to be feeding the drama. I understand that they may feel like a 'connection' to your wife, but the way they are acting is more likely to drive a wedge between the two of you.

RepentAtLeisure · 04/07/2016 12:57

I know the courts tend to favour the mother but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Completely untrue. This myth exists because women tend to get primary custody/residence. And that is because women are overwhelmingly the primary carers for their children. It's all about continuity for the children, not favouritism for the vagina having parent. If she always did the major share of school runs, sick days, holidays, dinner/bedtimes, it would be a major adjustment for the kids if she suddenly disappeared. And sadly, family courts are so keen to go against this 'we only love mothers' myth, that unfit fathers regularly get access to children who really should be kept safe from them.

In your case, you need to address your concerns with your ex, tell other people to stop gossiping and either offer constructive support or mind their own business, see the children as much as you can, and if things don't improve contact social services. Going for primary residence when it seems you've never been a primary carer is likely to be unsuccessful. Few judges would remove children because of a smelly house and headlice. (Headlice are a constant battle for kids anyway.)

BurningBridges · 04/07/2016 12:58

So its your wife's own family - her mother and sister - that are telling you all these things? And moreover, telling you that these things are a problem?

Wow, your wife has a great support network! If they are concerned why don't they try and help her?

SolomanDaisy · 04/07/2016 12:58

If you've only been separated ten weeks, what has happened to the plentiful supply of school clothes you ensured they had before then?

Letmehaveausername · 04/07/2016 13:02

Having read your threads it sounds a lot like you can't or don't accept its over, and you're trying to get revenge using the good people of MN to do it.

Nits take weeks to get rid of completely. My dd had only one school uniform by the end of this year too, no way was I buying more. She didn't even have an official gym kit by the end of this term, I sent her in her own shorts and tshirt because she'll have outgrown anything I buy now by the time next term starts.

Let her go, she's not your wife anymore. She's moving on with her life and you need to do the same.

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 13:02

*i wouldn't have 3/4 of the concerns I do if MIL and crew weren't stirring the pot"

So having heard the alternative explanations which issues are still a concern ?

Original poster

KyleM · 04/07/2016 13:03

My mil has tried to approach the subject with depression with her as she is concerned in the drastic change my W have shown over the past 3-4 months but she was shot down.

I do agree with you though, I have said them that if they have concerns then they should be speaking with my W.

OP posts:

CherryPicking · 04/07/2016 13:06

Have you tried de-nitting the kids yourself? If so, you might realise they're stubborn little creatures and having had them for a few weeks doesn't mean much.

Why aren't you buying them clothes too? Have you tried speaking to their mother at all? Maybe tell her what you're thinking of doing - that may be the wake up call she needs to pull herself together.

trafalgargal · 04/07/2016 13:10

If their marriage is falling apart then people are going to be sad, snappy, distracted, be on a short fuse .......they wouldn't be human if they didn't.

Your MIL presumably knows you and your wife are barely speaking at the moment ......so why is she telling YOU these things instead of addressing her concerns with her own daughter. Surely she's better placed to help (unless she's just shitstirring)

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