Full custody - I don't know what to do?

[KyleM]

Hi everyone, I won't go in the history of what is currently going on with myself and I have another thread if you want to bring yourself up to speed but as the title suggests I am thinking of going for full custody of my biological daughter.

My wife is/was a fantastic mother and I never thought I would be in a position where I question her parenting skills but many people are starting to get concerned and I'm not sure what to do!

I'm completely oblivious to what will be required of me and I know the courts tend to favour the mother but I feel like I'm running out of options.

Does anyone have any knowledge on this subject?

I think fuzzy's practical advice is very sensible.

You seem to be thinking in terms of lawyers, custody, taking parents away etc.

None of that need be relevant at this time point, your wife may be struggling a bit, but with you stepping up and co-parenting, and washing clothes, and feeding them well and doing the nits when they are at your house, then that can all be countered. Your thoughts need to be how can I support my wife and my children in this situation, even though we are no longer together, not how can I disrupt it, not for now anyway.

If you do not have regular contact, then it is that that you need to focus on gaining, not 'going for custody' and you should get some legal advice on how to formalize contact.

You don't have a hope in hell of custody of your step daughter. It's bizarre that you think you have.

I only have contact with my W when I pick our daughter up once a fortnight. My W is currently out of the country but will be looking to speak with her once she returns.

So you'll need to check your youngest's hair for nits as it's very likely she's got them and you'll have to let your step-daughter's father know about her hair, too.

Are you in the family home at the moment?

Why are you thinking about voicing your concerns? Why not just offer to take them more, help more, parent more and fill in the gaps that way as a starting point? Your way is confrontational and critical and it won't work.

I do know a dad who has residence, but his wife still has the children for long periods on weekends and holidays and that was after a court case/her alcoholism.

So is your daughter staying with you while she is away?

I think the worrying point is the lack of food. I would be tempted to bring groceries or if you think your ex wife might object you could go food shopping with the DDs and say it's a fun way to spend time (perhaps getting fresh fruits and veggies from the market every week?). How are the DDs otherwise? Do they receive attention and love? Do you want to have them 50% of the time (seems quite a common arrangement nowadays)?

Stop being so paternalistic. IF she is struggling you should be supportive not threatening and controlling.

You have got really carried away jumping straight to trying to remove the children from her care based on a lot of subjective and circumstantial assumption.

Also your assertion that the courts favour the mother is incorrect. If parents have chosen together for the mother to be the primary carer the courts don't think it is in the best interests of the children to undermine that situation just because the couple have split up.

If you have concerns about the welfare of the children in her care and her ability to cope offer her more support and talk to her about it in the first instance.

If you have evidence of neglect talk to SS.

So she is struggling after you left her ......Do you really feel rummaging through the fridge and closets of someone else's home will help in any shape or form ? I find your actions very odd and quite concerning.
Were you rummaging with her permission or even there with her permission?

As for the nits it isn't uncommon to treat kids send them back to school and they come back with a new infestation especially with long hair. How often have you seen the child? If it's once in 5 weeks then it's entirely possible your assumption she has had them for 5 weeks is wrong and if you've seen her more often why didn't you treat the nits yourself? Perhaps a more useful occupation than snooping in cupboards.

Yeah I currently have my biological daughter while she's away, happy to report that she does not have any headlice.

I'm not in the family home and now live with my parents while I save the money for a place of my own.

I'm only looking for advice and opinions here, I'm not planning on storming in with a team of lawyers and taking her kids of off her. I have no idea what the best course of actions is, I have never been in the situation before and if I'm honest my head is spinning.

clearly you both need to be able to communicate in order to care for the children in the future. Is there a relative ie mother,brother etc who could drop in. maybe she does need help. i'm not in anyway suggesting a spy or anything like that.

You say she is abroad at the moment so a fully stocked fridge would have been a waste.

And your first thought was use the court to create massive conflict and division, destroy any chance you have of coparenting and try and have your daughter and NOT talk and offer more support?

My fridge currently contains a carton of milk and a couple of cartons of orange juice. Best call SS, except that I'll be going to the supermarket in a bit.

The contents in the fridge on a one off visit are no indication of whether or not a child is neglected. Nits are a bloody nightmare to get rid of in primary. If your STBX took a pair of scissors to DD's hair out of frustration in being unable to get rid of them then it's clearly something she is aware of and is trying to deal with.

It's almost the end of the school year. Not a chance I would be buying new uniform now for a five year old who will have grown some more by the time the new school year starts.

And, why are you only seeing your DD once a fortnight? You honestly think you can go from once a fortnight only to going to full residency? Get real.

If you have genuine concerns then you need to discuss them with your ex. Wading headlong into a court process to try and obtain full residency will ensure you never have a successful co-parenting relationship with her, and you are going to be co parents for a long time, so unless there are genuine (and by genuine I mean serious concerns of neglect or abuse) concerns, about your DD's welfare you need to stop with the threats and the talk of residency because they only make you look like an abusive bully and give a good indication as to why she left you in the first place.

Try to get some real life advice or support, maybe a parenting helpline, somewhere completely unbiased. I sense the controlled panic in your posts and I am not sure this is helping - get on the phone and talk to someone.

So your wife is abroad and the fridge is empty?

Most people DO run their fridges down to as close as possible to nothing prior to going away.

I think you are unhappy your wife ended your marriage and are trying to control her anyway you can. School has 2 weeks to run no one replaces uniform at this point in the school year, nits are a bugger to get rid of , emptying the fridge of anything perishable before going away is normal, alcohol isn't perishable, SILs have their own agendas and can be stirrers, nosing around a home you don't live in can get you into serious legal strife.

You are coming across very badly and your wife would probably have grounds for a court order to keep you away. I get you are angry she threw you out but you really do need to wind your neck in.

I haven't threatened anyone with anything and I have been nothing but a loving husband and father for 8 years.

I'm purely looking for advice and don't feel like I should be attacked for trying to do so. My post is out of concern for my wife and children.

If people think its a bad idea then that's fair enough, it's what I need to hear but please don't automatically label me as someone I am not.

Is your daughter staying with you whilst her Mum is away (you say you only see her once a fortnight) if not where is she staying whilst Mum is away ?

This thread and your concerns read to me like you are struggling with the lack of control or input you have in your stbxw's life.

My children (both in nursery) get a weekly bath right now as the commute is long.

There was nothing in my fridge but booze on Saturday morning before the Sainsbury's van arrived... I don't know if they've got nits or not.

Nothing sounds extreme or worrying to me. I only ever had one uniform which was washed weekly during my entire school career.

Good luck with your bid for 'full custody'.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall of your discussion where you outlay your concerns to her then threaten her with 'taking further action'.

"My sil phoned me this morning regarding the head lice and told me there was hundreds of them."

I've just caught up with your last thread. One thing that comes across is just how much you seem to rely on information from your SIL and MIL. Are these two by any chance the "many people" you refer to in your OP?

If your wife is away on holiday, your DD is with you, and your step-daughter is with relatives, then it's not entirely surprising that the fridge is empty. Why would she do shopping right before going away?

How is your daughter? Does she appear neglected? is she displaying any concerning behaviour?

Nits tend to run in school classes and then get transferred to siblings at home. The odds of one child having had nits for five weeks and her sister not getting them is pretty much impossible. I'd be cautious of believing a word your SIL says.

Kyle I get that, but your course of action, which is to sit her down and discuss your 'concerns' and then think about custody, is guaranteed to make this a conflict, and not a co-operation. You are likely to be the loser, not the winner, as the mum is the primary carer and the courts will favour the status quo.

Why not think how you can help in this new situation? Perhaps have your dd's more in the week? Make sure they don't have nits when they are with you? Give them snack boxes to take back with them?

I agree with everyone that panicking over the fridge being empty is bizarre- people empty their fridges when they go abroad! I honestly don't 'think your wife is just not feeding them, do you, really, deep down?

I would listen less to these other people, they seem to be stirring up trouble, and think more about how you can co-parent co-operatively and with you taking on more responsibility, if that's what's required.

If your intention is to offer love and support then why on earth have you been checking your XW fridge? Why have you leapfrogged right over communicating with your XW, offering more support, mediation and increased contact and jumped all the way to the most extreme course of action (in your mind), reserved for the most extreme circs, and suggested applying to court for 'full custody'.

You see your daughter once every two weeks currently, damn right you come across as threatening and controlling!

Be honest with yourself about how much the family may be stirring, your daughter is young and you will be involved with you wife for many years to come. Your concerns as you state them don't make me raise a bit of an eyebrow. You could really make this harder for yourself going forward if you go on about a empty fridge just before your wife goes away, nits - part and parcel of school life and yes, did they always have one uniform (10 weeks ago) why the angst now near term end?