Prenup Woes

[user1467226227]

New member, first post. Please play nice.

I am getting married abroad later this summer. My other half works in the City on £150k+ and I am a mid-band civil servant on £50k (sorry to talk money, but it's obviously relevant).

Our assets are (at present) roughly the same and we both expect to inherit reasonably well.

A few weeks ago O/H decided to make serious noises about a prenup to cover absolutely every single aspect of our financial lives. I.e. aside from anything we own in joint names our finances will be kept totally separate and neither party will make a claim against the other in the event of divorce.

I know that 40% of marriages end in divorce and my head is not opposed to the idea of a prenup. That said, I am having some problems getting my heart round it.

The whole thing just seems so completely unromantic. Further, it suggests that my O/H potentially doesn't see the marriage as 'going the distance' and is already looking for an escape route.

Further it presents practical problems - my O/H is seriously considering moving overseas in 2-5 years (particularly following the Brexit vote) and, obviously, the plan would be for me to go too. We have also discussed the possibility of kids, which would probably mean me giving up work for a while for the purposes of full-time childcare.

In light of the pre-nuptual agreement being asked for I now feel:

a) less than enthusiastic about our pending marriage.
b) in no way inclined to give up my job to follow my O/H abroad.
c) in no way inclined to give up my job if we have kids.

I have tried to raise this with my O/H. They don't see any real issues and have simply told me not to give up my job or follow them abroad unless I am totally comfortable with it.

To me, this is not the solution. I want to follow them and make decisions which are best for our marriage. I am however acutely aware that if I would probably be 'high and dry' financially if I give up work with this pre-nup in place and we split.

I am massively annoyed at all of this as we are not too far from getting married and it has been 'hot dropped' on me. I appreciate that pre-nups are not legally binding, but have been advised it would probably be upheld unless it was totally unreasonable.

I am not looking for legal advice. More emotional support. I thought marriage was about union / wedded bliss etc... Instead I feel like I am in the middle of signing a business deal that is being presented as a 'fait accompli'.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or got any thoughts about how I might deal with this? The rest of our relationship is good, but it is driving a real wedge inbetween us (on my part anyway).

Circumstances change. All earnings need to be pooled from the marriage onwards. Nothing else is fair. Otherwise, why marry at all?

If 'take it or leave it' was my future OH's sentiment, I'd leave it. I'd know that wasn't the kind of relationship I was wanting to enter into after everything was joined legally, pre nup or no pre nup.

I'll tell you how we dealt with it in our pre-nup if that helps?

We:

• valued our assets coming into the marriage, agreed those values, and agreed that that value belonged to the person if we split
• agreed that any increase in value in the assets while we were married was to be split equally, aside from the face value of any inheritance, which went to the inheritor
• At a minimum, I would walk away with half the value of our primary residence (if we remained married for more than 3 years)
• I insisted on being made a trustee and beneficiary of our family trust and property-holding trusts
• On death, property would all go to the surviving partner. ie, the pre-nup only applied to a divorce situation, not a death situation.

In hindsight, while I still think the terms of our pre-nup are fair, I underestimated the impact that marriage and children would have on my earning ability and my feeling of vulnerability. Even though I am very independent and a high earner, I'd be financially f*cked if DH walked out on me. So, protect yourself! For example another clause in our pre-nup is that I get the first option to buy his half of our primary residence from him. He can't force me to sell our family home - I am protected, I get to stay here and keep my kids in their home. So, so important.

Do not sign this and seriously reconsider whether he will be a good husband.

I would sign (and ask someone to sign) a prenup if I ever married again - but I am an older woman and have accumulated assets and commitments to my children.

But no way would I sign a prenup with a man I was setting off into the wide blue yonder with as a young woman expecting to have children, build a family, build a future ... because with the prenup in place, you ain't building any future for yourself - just for him.

I moved countries for my husband's work. I also had children. When I moved countries, I kept my salary (equal to dh's) but paid an enormous - and I mean enormous - emotional and social price. My husband is eternally grateful I did it. But when we moved and when we arrived we both had similar salary expectations.

When I had children my earning potential took an enormous hit. Yes you can do it without taking a hit but no you can't do it with a high-flying husband who thinks of himself as a high-earner and wants to preserve his money. You can only do it if you both pitch in and if you have really good and expensive childcare.

In these circumstances you will undoubtedly take a huge financial hit just by having children. At the end of the day, you both will have children, he will have money and assets, and you will have even less than you came into the marriage with.

this man is telling you who he is. Listen very carefully. Do not sign a prenup, move from your job, move country, give up your job, or have children with him without very very careful thought.

When my husband married me (and we both had very high earning potential but his was way higher realistically), he would have signed a document handing his entire future earnings over to me if that is what it took because, like me, he couldn't wait to start together on our joint enterprise, our new life.

Honestly I think you can do better. You can have a man who is head over heels in love with you and doesn't think you are out for his money.

Tell him that you rate yourself higher than a prenup.

No way would I have signed a pre-nup and the difference in our incomes is far higher than yours. It want that I couldn't support myself in the event of a split, as I earn very well myself. It would have been utterly depressing to plan for failure at the outset. My husband wasn't silly enough to ask. We shared everything from the day we got married.