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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Court of Mumsnet ruling needed please.

58 replies

prufrock · 22/01/2007 10:53

I would very much like the honest opinion of the court of Mumsnet on a small disagreement dh and I are having. I promise that I will abide by your judgement.

My dh is a truly wonderful man. We are very happy. He works extremely hard - too hard IMO (he's out of the house 6:30 - 6:45 and does at least 2 hours work every evening) in a very well paid job. I am a SAHm and part-time student, with childcare 2 mornings a week and a cleaner. I therefore do everything at home, finances, organising etc, though he does do his share at weekends.

OP posts:

Original poster

prufrock · 22/01/2007 10:54

Our disagreement is over putting things onto the calender (incredibly petty I know) DH is often out in the evenings with work, and has taken to sending me e-mails to let me know about things- usually well in advance. But once he has sent me an e-mail, he feels it is sorted, so doesn't speak to me, or put his appointments on the kitchen calender. He expects that I will see his e-mail, and go and write it on the calender.

Now my argument is that I am not actualy his PA - even though I do function as one for most things, and expecting me to remember things for him is disrespectful and treating me as a go-fer. Most days I do not turn my PC on until the kids are in bed, so I end up logging in, seeing an e-mail, and walking past my dh to put the info on the calender.

OP posts:

Original poster

prufrock · 22/01/2007 10:54

His argument is that he is very busy all day (which I fully accept) and it is easier for him to be able to send me an e-mail when he books things in and then be able to forget about it (which I agree it must be)

I feel though that be doing something that is convenient for him, but inconveniences me, he is saying that I am not as important or as busy as him. Now whilst this may be true, I'm not sure I like him implying it.

So - Court of Mumsnet, who should be responsible for writing Mr Prufrocks engagements on the kitchen calender.

OP posts:

Original poster

prufrock · 22/01/2007 10:54

(As you might guess I can't post long messages)

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 22/01/2007 10:56

Um- did you click post before you finished? I think you are right and he is wrong and he should do more in the house and work less hard at the office, so far.

ScummyMummy · 22/01/2007 10:57

Ah- more to go on. Yes- calendar writing is his responsibility. He will become infantilised if you do it for him. Easy.

mosschops30 · 22/01/2007 10:57

I would say Mr prufrock, its not like asking him to cook a meal when he comes in, I dont think asking him to write his whereabouts on calendar is unreasonable at all.

choosyfloosy · 22/01/2007 10:57

I actually don't think he is being particularly unreasonable per se - I can imagine being happy with this situation. But you are not happy with it, ergo he is not being reasonable not to try to meet you halfway on this.

If he is working in the evenings, he presumably can log in remotely. So I would suggest that he emails you and himself jointly, you to inform you, and himself so that he can remember to put things on the calendar.

BlueDaisy · 22/01/2007 10:58

You should be!! Just switch your PC on! He sounds like a great bloke - I don't think he is asking too much at all!!

(Can't belive i am sticking up for a man for once!)

oranges · 22/01/2007 10:58

can you have an online calender that you both put things onto?

krabbiepatty · 22/01/2007 10:58

Probably mr prufrock should, prufrock, but if that's the worst thing about mr prufrock, he sounds pretty good. Maybe that's just because I've read the thread about the bloke who doesn't change nappies because unless someone tells him to...

lou33 · 22/01/2007 10:58

he should do it

MrsJohnCusack · 22/01/2007 10:59

if he is very busy at work, does he not use some sort of computer based calendar thingy there, like outlook or similar?
can he not enter appointments in there as they come up, and then bring you a print out at the end of the day?you still enter it them (probably best if you're overall in charge of the calendar from the sound of it) but at least you're not expected to catch random emails

It would annoy me. (luckily my DH tends to have NO engagements to enter on our calendar)

meowmix · 22/01/2007 10:59

Or prints the emails he sends you out at work, brings them home and puts them in while making a cup of tea or similar - which surely he must do at some point?

colditz · 22/01/2007 11:01

He is responsible for arranging his own life. He is not a child. In this house, unless it is written down, it doesn't exist. He should write it down himself if he wants to be sure it is 'booked'. It's not your responsibility.

JackieNo · 22/01/2007 11:03

Or could he send himself an email at home to remind him to put stuff on the calendar - I often do this.

krabbiepatty · 22/01/2007 11:04

I am surprising myself here but, having thought about it some more, it strikes me that if Mr Prufrock really has to do two hours work of an evening in order to keep the job that pays the money that provides for the lifestyle the family wish to have then it is not necessarily wildly unfair for prufrock to be in charge of the family diary and to put appointments in in the evening. I am assuming here that she does not have to do 2+ hours of work of one sort or another in the evening, whether in relation to studies or family admin. If she does, he should put the appointments in...

Aero · 22/01/2007 11:07

If it were me, I'd prefer to do it myself tbh. I'd be more than grateful if dh would email me to let me know of his whereabouts sometimes. How about moving the calander and a pen to beside the pc, then it can just be scribed there and then.

Have to say the emails are pretty considerate and while it would be nice for your dh to remember to write his engagements on the calander, I don't think it's worth falling out over. What would happen if he did start to write things in and then forgot from time to time? Would that not cause an arguement?

You're right, you're not his PA, but there are some things women are (mostly) just better at.

beckybrastraps · 22/01/2007 11:09

I'm DH's PA. But that's OK, because he is my mechanic/handyman. Works both ways in the Brastraps household.

PoppiesMum · 22/01/2007 11:09

I can see his pov. If you are getting the e-mails during the day, it's not really too much hassle to write them on the calendar is it?

At least he's being organised and telling you! (albeit in a very impersonal way!)

Do you get to sit down to have dinner together in the evening? Why not print them off as you get them, and discuss them together at the end of the day? That way, when you're clearing up the dinner together one of you can put them on the calendar then (although, I do think it's a whole lot quicker and easier to just do it yourself!)

Kelly1978 · 22/01/2007 11:10

I don't think it is unreasonable for you jsut to write it on the calander. If he is home though, rather than walk past him, you can ask him to do it then.

lazyemma · 22/01/2007 11:11

I don't think it's too much to ask, given that he appears to work 14 hours most days and gets to spend very little time at home, for you to put stuff on the calendar for him. I don't think it's disrespectful at all and I wonder how much of your time it actually takes up. It's not like he's expecting you to organise his diary for him - from his point of view, he's just letting you know when he's doing things (with plenty of notice too), at the time he arranges them. I'd say that's about as fair as it's possible to be.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/01/2007 11:12

Me n DP have an online calendar/reminder thing on the pc in outlook. Saves alot of grief, I can tell you.

He should put his appointments etc on THAT calendar and all you have to do is click "accept" to get them onto yours.

Ta da!

sandcastles · 22/01/2007 11:13

I would do it for dh, putting 'dh out 2pm' or whatever is no hardship.
But you aren't happy to do this so you have 2 options,

either print of the email he sends you & leave them out for him, so he can add his appts to the calender.

Keep a desk diary by the pc, as soon as you get an email write it down in there

chopchopbusybusy · 22/01/2007 11:14

Well I do think you should probably just accept that it is easier for you to complete the calender but I also think it is a bit formal and impersonal to expect you to do it.

batters · 22/01/2007 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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