Court of Mumsnet ruling needed please.

[prufrock]

I would very much like the honest opinion of the court of Mumsnet on a small disagreement dh and I are having. I promise that I will abide by your judgement.

My dh is a truly wonderful man. We are very happy. He works extremely hard - too hard IMO (he's out of the house 6:30 - 6:45 and does at least 2 hours work every evening) in a very well paid job. I am a SAHm and part-time student, with childcare 2 mornings a week and a cleaner. I therefore do everything at home, finances, organising etc, though he does do his share at weekends.

Mr Prufrock. Mr eidsvold knows if it is not on the calendar it does not exist in eidvold land.....

sorry but I have enough to do with the 2 dds - lots of hospital and therapy appts and antenatal stuff for me.

I don't think he's being unreasonable. If he's working all the hours god sends, it doesn't seem unreasonable that you do that little job.(and yes, I realise that you do everything else at home as well, I didn't mean that to sound rude).

Or, as Oranges said earlier, why not get an online calendar, eg outlook, and both put things on directly?

You see you are as split as I am. You are right that if this is the worse thing about him then I am very lucky - I know I am. He works 14 hour days through choice though - as scummy knows I would be more than happy with him working less, being at home more and earning less, but he wouldn't be.

It's not so much the practicalities of this that bother me (though krabbie, yes I do usually sit at my PC studying whilst he is working) it's the implication that my time is less important than his that realy actually upsets me. Probably because it's true, and I don't like the power shift in our relationship since I stopped working (not that dh ever says anything other than that we are a team, it's just we both kind of know I'm now the junior member )

I don't see how it is "formal and impersonal" to do someone the courtesy of letting them know immediately when you've arranged something. The alternative is that he forgets (as it sounds like he is likely to do, as he works so hard) and gets a bollocking for that instead.

I do think some of you must set impossibly high standards for your partners.

Its not really unreasonable and he'll appreciate you helping him in this way. Its the little things that us 'superwomen' do that make life easier!

Sounds like he's got enough to remember (not that you don't)

I would do it

Lazyemma - I just think that it is a bit impersonal to email your partner with diary dates - sorry - just my opinion.

may i suggest a solution?

if you set up a joint hotmail account that both can access.

it has a calender.

i am sure there are other online calanders taht work equally well - but i only know of this one.

therefore whilst he is sat at his computer - instead of writing an e-mail he can book it in your joint scheduler?

eh? eh? eh?

am i good or am i good?!!

er,see my post of 10.58.19 custardo.

Ah, now seeing how much he works, it isn't unreasonable for you to do this for him.

i thought i was being original

Prufrock you harridan!
At least he bothers to tell you!

Google calender is good, as it will send you text reminders

Have only read OPs - I don't think this is unreasonable - if the calendar is at home then you can write it on as the email arrives - we do this because I am much too forgetful about things, as is dh and email is the only way we can remember things!

"I would be more than happy with him working less, being at home more and earning less, but he wouldn't be"

Boy can I relate to that statement or what! I can see both sides and don't know what advise to give. I am the one who puts everything in our calendar but DH would never think to look at it anyway. I think it's more underlying issues here about who's time is more valuable and for Prufrock's DH to make the effort to write things in it is like a token of his respect and appreciation. Of course he doesn't see it as a token only Prufrock does coz men live in other worlds.

just a random thought from the feminist thread. Could you tell him you are becoming a surrendered wife and giving him the reponsibility for plannign your lives? then he's have to write in the calender. {wanders away to make room for useful posts}

We "do diaries" once or twice a week. It's very tedious but we just go through our diaries and make sure we know what we're up to and who will be out and when. My "diary" is the kitchen calendar so it's pretty much always up to date.

Mmm, sorry but my gut reaction is that men are pretty useless at telling us anything to do with dates, so even sending you an e-mail to tell you what he's up to is quite a feat. Can't you turn your computer on to check the mail? He probably doesn't "do" calendars, the e-mail is as far as it goes. I would then want to organise it in my own way and if that way is in the kitchen calendar then so be it. His way is obviously to e-mail you about it and he clearly feels he has been really helpful. I'm a bit defeatist with these things and have just accepted that women are by far the superior sex when it comes to organisation!

My time isn't less important than my dh's. But I certainly have more of it than he does. And I am in a similar position to you. So I do stuff like this because it takes minutes, if that, and keeps thing ticking along happily.

Thank you all for your comments.
Lulabelle - I'm not sure what your point is - are you telling me that because I don't work and have a cleaner I should be doing everything my dh wants? Or are you just telling me that because I am in more fortunate circumstances than you (IYO - I would love for it to be practical for me to return to work) I should stop complaining?

Custy/oranges good idea, but he can't access hotmail on his work pc, and I know he would complain at being asked to go into something like google calendar. And I like my big kitchen calender - I spend far more time in the kitchen/family room than I do in the dining room on the pc (today is an exception - I'm writing an essay)

I think I just have to carry on as we are, which does work, and believ him when he says it doesn't mean he sees me as his dogsbody. BBstraps - I like your take on it -and appointments secretary wil just be yet another valid and valued job that is my responsibility.

Though I have to say I do disagree wth those of you who think we should accept sub-standard behaviour just because they are men. There's nothing that comes along with that Y chromosome that should make a man incapable of anything except childbirth and beastfeeding

tell him he can email himself, ie send himself a reminder that he sees at home to remind him to tell you and put it on the calendar, or tell him to set a reminder on his mobile. I think you're in the right - it's his job to put it on the calendar but if you suggested this it still enables him to take immediate action when the issue comes up (and then forget about it) whilst still ensuring it make its way into your consciousness and onto teh calendar