Would you still be together if it weren't for the kids?

[Lostandlonely1979]

I've found myself pondering this so much lately. And, for many complicated reasons (most boiling down to a complete lack of compatibility), I'm feeling certain that the answer for me is a categorically firm: no.

I mean, absolutely definitely - I would have ended things by now.

I guess my question is - does that mean my marriage is over? We are so different and I fantasise about a life without him. But how do you know what's fantasy and what's genuine desire?

I also find myself hoping that he won't come home one day. And that makes me feel pretty cruddy about myself. Reading it back, it sounds terrible enough to stop ignoring it.

All these things are stacking up and I'm wondering what to do. We have periods of time where things are pretty okay but the sex is next-to nil (only when I'm drunk, I never want it), there's no passion and we just don't have that much fun together. He's a lovely, sweet guy and deserves to be happy but truth be told, he's just a bit boring and i don't know how much longer our relationship is likely to last. I'm a bit of a fiery one and I need someone I can spark off (although many of our friends would consider him a good leveller to my out-going nature).

Anyway, back to my original question. Really curious to hear if anyone else feels the same. And if realising the answer to the question was 'no', was that the beginning of the end?

No, we're very different and had it not been for the kids I think we would have wished each other well and legged it. But because of the kids we are more invested in making it work, and we both value our family unit. I'd say our relationship is good, but hard.

Sounds like you are shouldering too much of what should be joint responsibility/accountability.
Lots and lots of stuff that on their own sound insignificant.
But after years and years it develops into a pressure cooker effect.
Is it down to lack of respect,habit, lack of thought, laziness or just knowing that if he doesn't do AB&C, then you will come along and do ABC along with the other 23 letters of the alphabet.
What would you do if your child was behaving like that? Because there is every chance they will do if they see their Dad can get away with it.

I think all relationships go through times of upheaval and stress when roles and responsibilities need adjusting somewhat, that's mostly unexpected. Supporting and having each other's back is what should happen, it's hard if that's not there in both the good times and the bad.

No one relationship can or should meet all of your needs, yes you can go out meet friends have time to just be you.
But at the end of it all coming home, or dreading coming home because of your partner is never going be good for any of you.
Set yourself a time limit on taking some sort of action, your time starts, now.......

Klaptout You're right, plus I don't want my DCs seeing their father as totally incompetent. Even if that's how he sometimes comes across and, I'm ashamed to say, how my words and actions might make him look...

Think it's time for some kind of housework rota - for DH and the DCs.

If I didn't know any better I would say I had written all of your posts.

I'm in exactly the same position whereby I am stuck essentially between my own happiness and not wanting to upset/disrupt my ds's life.

I keep telling myself it will get better, but I think deep down I know it won't. Dh is never going to change his pattern of behaviour, especially when he doesn't even recognise what he does is wrong. I just don't know where to even begin with starting my life again, and it makes me so sad that my son is going to be affected by it all.

Oh my goodness reading these last posts have made so much sense. It's a lack of respect, that's it, the millions of instances of incompetence and non communication building up and up. Only this week he has Had me having to deal with yet another Amazon return by ordering the wrong thing (does this a lot, never checks) and read a van lease document wrong costing us £900. It's lead to me resenting him and everything else has followed.

A rota is a great starting point, except that you may have a man who wants you to be the one responsible for telling everyone what to do and when to do it, the delegator if you like, will you then be left checking that everyone has done the jobs they feel they have got to do, and deal with how unfair it all is type rebellion?
I think over the course of the next week or so, make a list of everybloody thing that needs doing from remembering to put the toothbrushes on charge through to paying bills and everything else in between.
Then see what stuff can be done by each family member, considering age ability and time available for everyone.
The thing is it's a big change so it needs to be achievable, start easy to get everyone feeling that it's no big issue, let them take pride in being a team then build it up slowly.
I know it might all sound cheesy and crap, but that stuff often appeals to kids, and frankly who cares how cheesy it is if it works as a starting point.
You can modify as you go.
We did a similar plan and made it extra easy as my children have autism.

No I wouldn't be still with him if it wasn't for the children. He has hurt me mentally too many times. He doesn't even attempt contact with me. We are cruising along and he is content with this life whilst I am not... Everyday is a battle in my head as too why I can't make it work :(

Iron sounds like you're shouldering all of this on your own and that must feel so isolating. I think a lot of OHs are content to let things fester and wait for us to flag all the issues, then roll eyes heavenwards that we 'just can't be pleased'.

Klaptout I've made it quite clear what his areas are now to cover. He's also paying for a cleaner to come twice a month and do all the mopping, hoovering, dusting stuff that always gets neglected because we both work FT. Kids instructed to tidy their rooms every Saturday before any weekend plans can commence. All feeling a lot more manageable now.

itsnotfair and hotwater it sucks but it's also good to know you aren't alone, isn't it? I think we're stuck in the classic rut of unbalanced domesticity, which highlights more and more problems as we plod along. The only answer is doing something about it. But what that something is varies wildly from couple to couple.

I've given myself a 12-month deadline - a new work contract is starting in the spring of next year which will give me a decent amount of extra income so I know that if things don't change and keep slipping back to frustrating old ways, I can make the break and still support me and DCs comfortably.

It really helps not feeling alone.

I need to up my hours or find a full time job and be more independent financially.

A phrase I see a lot here is the old 'ducks in a row'. I think having a vague plan in place and some milestones set out for yourself helps you feel like you have a little bit of control, at a time when you can easily spin out.

Your OH might also pick up on this renewed strength and start to sit up, take notice, and maybe attempt to change his ways? It's a sad truth that some men are too stupid to notice until it's way too late.

He has been saying he would change for years. I actually find him a little repulsive now, can't stand the thought of him touching me :/

Well it's no surprise if he's basically led you to believe you're not worth changing for. Have you tried counselling together?

No, he wouldn't speak to anyone.

It's gone way past all that now. I'm not willing to try anymore.

No I wouldn't. My husband proves himself to be a nob frequently. Earlier this week definitely nob behaviour. This morning spectacularly so. I feel like im suffering with anxiety or something. im stuck atm due to financial situation. I too fantasise about leaving every day.

No, I don't think we would. 4 years ago I realised we were drifting apart and I was going to end it, but we stupidly had a drunken shag sans condom and I got pregnant. Decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy but regretted it. Somehow that seemed to draw us closer for a bit and within a year I was pregnant again.

We now have a 2yo DC and DP is a great dad, a better parent than I am really, and he loves me. But I'm not in love with him anymore. I care for him but in retrospect wish I'd had the guts to break it off before I got pregnant the first time.

Until now it's been tolerable enough but a few months ago I started a new job and met someone else there and we just clicked. He knows I have a child but appears under the impression I'm a single mum. Nothing has happened beyond just chatting, though I can tell he's interested in me, but I keep thinking how different things could be. But I can't leave DP, he's a great dad, and our finances are tied together. Plus I have to think of DC.

Aforementioned man is moving to another job shortly so I won't see him anymore and besides, I think he's just a symptom rather than the root cause. And he could wind up being a complete dick anyway!

This is the first time I've admitted to all this (NCed of course!) but I guess I just have to learn to be happy with what I've got and realise that we don't get everything we desire in life.

I guess I just have to learn to be happy with what I've got and realise that we don't get everything we desire in life

Well, yes and no. There is an argument for making the best of what you have - but there's also a tipping point where you just can't. It's been 18 years for me, I've done the trying, and I've done the making the best of, and eventually if it's still not working and you're getting that disrespectful, incompetent, passive aggressive behaviour (or whatever other unacceptable behaviour it is) something snaps.

I spent a long time thinking I could just endure it and enjoy the good bits and wait it out until the kids were older. Then one day, I just couldn't. Even though it would be hard for the DC. But on the plus side, I want them to see that you can say no to a relationship where you aren't getting what you need, and I hope that will benefit them in the end.

Absolutely and definitely would not be together. And we both know this.
The cracks in the marriage are Grand Canyon deep.
We lead separate loves under the one roof. For now. Up to our ears in debt, just can't afford two rents, or one rent + mortgage
It's just the way it is. shite!

Incompetence - check (near nil contribution on domestic and childcare front)
Incompatibility - check
Resentment -check
Mutual disrespect - check
I shudder when he touches me qnd he sex pesters -check
Sustained mutual avoidance - check
Lack of empathy and loyalty at times -check
2 tiny Children.

Regularly fantasise about a single life also lost. How old are your kids?

I stayed for the children and because I believed in my marriage.

All the comments about lack of respect/ incompetence/ resentment really ring true for me and I absorbed it all because I wanted my marriage to work and thought if I made marriage as easy as possible for him he would be happier and we could get back on track.

Then he left me.

I fought hard for my marriage but I should have fought more for me.

Now I'm left trying to get over not only the breakdown of my marriage and all that goes with that but also my huge resentment at how much I compromised to make it work and how little he valued that.

It's almost like knowing I would never leave changed the way he viewed me. I have no regrets about trying to make my marriage work but maybe if I'd been prepared to leave if it didn't work things may have turned out differently

I spent two years with my exH before finally fulfilling my fantasy of leaving him. I haven't regretted it. For two years I basically wanted to leave, knew it wasn't working at all anymore and I didn't have feelings for him but continued to tolerate him because of our DC. I was petrified to be alone raising them, I was terrified of the unknown of being alone for the first time in years etc. But it ultimately was worth it. I've done and seen more in the past year since it ended than I ever did in the six years we were together! I've finally started to live my own life.

That's not to say it's been all plain sailing, it really hasn't been at all. But I wouldn't go back and still be wasting my life with a man I didn't love anymore.

Todd zoid am inspired. Today is D day so i need all the inspiration and hope going. ;/

I was just about to start a topic on this but had been putting it off.

Long story short, been together with wife for 25yrs (married for 17) and have 2 kids. Things haven't been right for at least the last 10 but typically I threw myself into my job and buried my head. Trouble is job is not great either now which ultimately resulted in me having a breakdown and being hospitalised very recently.

I really worry about the relationship. I do love my wife, and she does me, but I have really started to wonder if we would be together if it wasn't for the kids. I feel we operate at different levels and want different things. I worry In particularly that when the kids leave home we will have nothing in common.

I'm not stupid, I know that the stress of family life, jobs and the pressure that puts on us has meant that we have let our relationship go a little. I feel guilty for wanting the passion and closeness that I would hope but every time we talk about it we don't seem to be able to move forward.

I do think we want to be together and try to make this work. We are seeing a counsellor in a weeks time to get some of the issues on the table and hopefully find a way forward. I can't help but feel guilty about all of this. It's very strength sapping

Thank you for starting this thread