Would you still be together if it weren't for the kids?

[Lostandlonely1979]

I've found myself pondering this so much lately. And, for many complicated reasons (most boiling down to a complete lack of compatibility), I'm feeling certain that the answer for me is a categorically firm: no.

I mean, absolutely definitely - I would have ended things by now.

I guess my question is - does that mean my marriage is over? We are so different and I fantasise about a life without him. But how do you know what's fantasy and what's genuine desire?

I also find myself hoping that he won't come home one day. And that makes me feel pretty cruddy about myself. Reading it back, it sounds terrible enough to stop ignoring it.

All these things are stacking up and I'm wondering what to do. We have periods of time where things are pretty okay but the sex is next-to nil (only when I'm drunk, I never want it), there's no passion and we just don't have that much fun together. He's a lovely, sweet guy and deserves to be happy but truth be told, he's just a bit boring and i don't know how much longer our relationship is likely to last. I'm a bit of a fiery one and I need someone I can spark off (although many of our friends would consider him a good leveller to my out-going nature).

Anyway, back to my original question. Really curious to hear if anyone else feels the same. And if realising the answer to the question was 'no', was that the beginning of the end?

This time last year I would've written your post yindee

Sigh. I was wrong.

There was a phase when we would have been together without the DC then he let me down badly and the only reason why I have stayed and given us another chance is because of the DC.

It's a tough call. I'm not miserable with him but I'm not sure I'll ever "trust" him again or believe what he says to me. I think the jury is still out for us tbh.

yindee I am trying to deal with it and I have had very honest chats with him already, I'm not just stewing and blocking him out. But he has consistently let me down on the elements which are growing into deal breakers for me. Glad you have a stable sitch though and thanks for your post :)

random really hope you can find your way back to happiness with your OH.

Yes we would, I don't know how people stay together "for the sake of the kids" kids aren't stupid (well mine aren't) they'd know something isn't right!

I think it would be a shame to give up entirely on a relationship that isn't abusive when children are involved, if I am to be totally honest, and I nearly didn't post at all but I do think it's better for children not to have to go through divorce if it can possibly be avoided.

kate agree with you. Many people are quick to point the finger that the children will suffer but there are millions of levels of dissatisfaction. Some are temporary and need fixing. Others are deal breakers. Some great mild tension on an occasional basis, others make conditions unbearable. We need to seek the support to make the right decisions and figure out where our unique situation lies.

*create mild tension

I hope you can find a way forward OP xx

Thank you xx

Ive felt like this for years. Thought I could stick it till youngest left home but last year when she turned 11 & started spending more time in her room & with friends I realised we had totally grown apart, had no shared interests, nothing to talk about and that's without all the lack of intimacy issues. It felt unbearable.

Absolutely we would still be together if we didn't have children.
I love him and he's never let me down. when we have had tough times ( stillbirth of dd ) he was totally there for me I don't know what I would of done without him. He is a wonderful dad.

Have you been together a long time?

To answer your question, no I don't feel like that, definitely think we would still be together. I met him when I was 17, now 30. I liked him more at 25 than I did when he was 20, more at 30 than when he was 25, and like him more yet again.

If you aren't completely happy you should leave. Life is too short and too precious for anything else.

We would still be together, even without kids. He's the best person I've ever met.

I stayed in a miserable unhappy marriage for 30 years. When I eventually got the guts to go my grown up kids said "Mum, you should have done it years ago".

And yes I should have but you get kind of stuck and it seems so hard to move on, but times are different now and there's a lot more help out there than there was in my day.

Thanks so much for all your posts, really helps to see it from so many angles. I feel so trapped: on one hand, I feel like our marriage could be quite happy if he would work a little harder at the things he knows upset me. But on the other, it's been 7 years and the same problems persist. These have all played a part in me getting to this point and I'm starting to feel like giving up, even tho I don't really want to.

Hi OP, sounds to me like you are really quite sure already - more so already than when you wrote the OP, which was only yesterday... But IME one day can feel very different to the next... If you still feel the same day in day out then you'll know I think.

I know I would not be with DP if it weren't for the DC. We love each other but there are irreconcilable differences. We both want to hold the family together though so we've been in couples therapy for a year (and individual too, it's a big commitment! not least financially) TBH, I really don't know if we are doing the right thing. I am terrified of separation, of hurting the DC, of being lonely, of regretting it, but we row a lot, we hardly have any physical or emotional intimacy, and we would both enjoy the freedom of splitting up, at least on some level. It's a tough decision. I know the MN majority think it's better to split than to stay together for the DC, but in the absence of abuse or a serious reason to split I don't think it's that simple.

Thanks Edith, you're right and I swing back and forth from day to day. Today I feel like we can make it work, because he did DD1's homework with her for the first time this year and remembered to pay a bill! I really hope this behaviour can last but from experience, it dwindles after a couple of weeks and I have to instigate (what feels like) round 9,001 to get him to help out more.

It's never simple. OH has anger issues but has been going to therapy, which I really respect.

But should there be so much that needs fixing? I read messages on here from people whose partners have their foibles, but they have fun together, they're mates and they're a team. I hardly ever feel like that, if at all.

Perhaps you do push for couples therapy. It seems that he needs to take ownership of certain things and accept responsibility for him making changes happen.

It all sounds a bit wifework for you - you have to do all the thinking/managing of the issues as it's beneath him to implement change but he does the minimum to keep you hanging on in? I could be wrong but that is the sense I get from you?

random Could be, but I'm also probably feeling a bit martyrish at the moment so might be painting a harsher picture than I would on a good day.

He has a lot to offer but he's not one of life's doers. Darling MIL thinks I push him too hard and sometimes I worry that she's got a point. But I feel fairly certain that he's come a long way with my support, especially in his career and they way he is with our children. He says himself if it weren't for me he'd bury his head and avoid his problems.

But yeah, pretty exhausting it has to be said - and there's certainly nothing sexy about either of our parts in this, which would explain the lack of nookie. Of course I'm willing to put a lot of effort in, but only if it actually creates improvements which stick for the long term.

I think you're right, that therapy would help. I'd be keen to go to a private counsellor rather than Relate.

I felt at one point that it wasn't all about me and what I want anymore - the kids like him, they like life together(we tried a separation) we couldn't really afford life apart anyway. Best to just get on with it

mumofseven but that's just so sad. Why should our needs and feelings be pushed aside? Why do they come at the bottom of the pile?

IMHO I don't think having kids should mean that your happiness no longer matters. I want to be a role model for my girls. I want them to have a happy, thriving mother who they will love spending time with. And if that person tends to only emerge when the OH isn't around, they'll pick up on it.

I admire your ability to get on with it, it's a brave choice and I hope it's working for you.

Is there something about age in this consideration too? Either literally, or a person's attitude to their stage in life, perhaps. I have several friends who claim their marriages are just like mine - little or no physical contact, no romance, clear division of responsibilities, some friendship, many rows, and they are 'happy' or at least perfectly content to stay together, and consider it 'normal', but ... they are mostly over 50 (or 60+). I am mid-40s but I still have this niggling thought that I have 'settled' for a relationship that is no longer right. A large part of my staying is about duty (to DP and to the kids, perhaps even influenced by my religion, though I'm not sure how big an influence that is). I have a very strong sense that it is the right (moral) thing to do. If I was 10 years younger I think I'd be more likely to think that splitting was worth it, in the hope that there might be another Mr or Ms Right out there, and a different future. As it is I am right in the middle, and that contributes to my uncertainty.

I'm definitely heavily influenced by obligation and morals, and just that little niggling voice that wants me to have the traditional family unit (plus my DSD - that's a whole other story and if me and DH can get through what her mother put us through...).

I am mid 30s, no idea how I'll feel in ten years - or ten minutes, sometimes!

and TBH I think if I did find myself single for whatever reason, I already know that I wouldn't want to meet anyone else for a very long time. I'd need to spend a good amount of time getting to know myself again (though I'm sure I'd have some fun among it all!).