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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally had the conversation but not the outcome I was hoping for

75 replies

Eeyore777 · 27/06/2016 18:13

Hi, sorry for what is going to be a long message.

I hope someone will be able to give me some advice on this because I'm feeling really desperate! Thanks in advance.

I have been with my other half for over 10 years now, childhood sweethearts and married 3 years. I have posted previously about our lack of sex life which I have been worried about for many years really. I hardly dare write this but we haven't has sex now for 8 years(I am 28), and very minimal amounts of sexual contact in that time. However, we do a lot of hand holding, cuddling etc and general affection which is a big plus.

People have advised on my other posts that I just talk to him and try to identify the problem so this weekend I finally plucked up the courage after all these years. I asked him why he thought there was no sex/was there someone else/was he still attracted to me(tried to do this in a gentle way). He just looked very sheepish and said he wasn't excited by sex and had no desire to do it- with me or with anyone else. The thing is (and I realise how strange this sounds given what I have just said)- we are both really keen to have a baby. He has said he will try his best to get through it (ugh) so we can hopefully get pregnant but a) I want the sex to be enjoyable for him and b) it's going to take more than one quick shag to get pregnant right!!!!???

So I have this underlying feeling of sick. Halfway through this big important conversation that I have put off for years, he decided he just had to get to tesco before 10pm so it was cut quite short. I understand it was probably very awkward for him but it took a lot for me. I love him to bits and am assured he loves me too but I don't know if I can go on forever like this?! I need to feel wanted is that so bad?! When I tried to raise it again he told me we had already discussed it and was quick to defend himself saying 'this is just the way I am'

I am pretty convinced be is not depressed or anything and seems happy (especially with his friends) but life between us is mundane and he doesn't make the effort. I am nervous that we have become more like best friends but I still love him so much and don't want to throw away my life long relationship.

I would be so grateful for any advice as I don't feel I could speak to my friends in this depth- they would be horrified if they knew. Thanks so much. Xxx

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:16

So the marriage is not even consummated???

PoshPenny · 27/06/2016 18:21

Have you ever thought that he could be gay and in denial about it? That is no life for you

adora1 · 27/06/2016 18:22

You are so young to be living in a sexless marriage, in fact at any age it's sad.

I don't see how you can try for a child when you are not having sex, you both need professional help to do this together, can you access this through your GP perhaps, how do you accept this, I can't even imagine at my age and I'm in my fifties, going without sex for any more than a month!

AnyFucker · 27/06/2016 18:24

Oh dear. You are not compatible and it can never work.

If a bloke had to grit his teeth to get through the unpleasantness of sagging me I would not consider that a marriage.

Leave him before he wastes your childbearing years. And if by some miracle you did become pregnant by him this is a terrible situation to bring a child into

Split amicably and find someone who wants to ride you like Seabiscuit. The pair of you sound miserable and I reckon my very elderly aunt and uncle have a more interesting romantic life.

Just5minswithDacre · 27/06/2016 18:24

You poor thing Flowers

It all sounds very difficult and entrenched and he doesn't sound keen to make steps forward does he?

adora1 · 27/06/2016 18:24

And I would definitely suspect that he was possibly gay.

Original poster
Eeyore777 · 27/06/2016 18:24

I did consider the possibility that he was gay but I just don't think that's it.... I just don't. No we have not had sex during our marriage at all. It's not normal is it but I still love him so much 😔 is it decent grounds to end a relationship when everything else is good? X

OP posts:
TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 27/06/2016 18:24

I wonder if PoshPenny has hit the nail on the head. Would you think that at all possible OP? Something about the way he ran away immediately made me think that - but PP beat me to posting it.

MaybeDoctor · 27/06/2016 18:25

You can get fertility help if you have sexual problems. Eg IUI

Original poster
Eeyore777 · 27/06/2016 18:25

I wondered if he was asexual? Is this even a real thing....?

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 27/06/2016 18:25

Or search for DIY insemination on here.

Just5minswithDacre · 27/06/2016 18:27

It's a thing and it's probably THE thing, but unless you're asexual too there's no basis for a relationship there is there?

AnyFucker · 27/06/2016 18:27

Please do not have fertility treatment to bring a child into this fucked up dynamic

Gay, confused, asexual...who knows ?

All you need to decide is whether you can live with a man who treats having sex with you as the equivalent of wiping shit off his shoe

Just5minswithDacre · 27/06/2016 18:27

Maybe, OP's problem is more than conception.

adora1 · 27/06/2016 18:27

If you are happy to spend the rest of your life with no sex then carry on, you are very young to have to settle for that.

What happens when you feel horny, or him?

MaybeDoctor · 27/06/2016 18:28

I know a couple of people with v little interest in sex - but I think it goes along with some form of psychological barrier in each case.

Wonkydonkey44 · 27/06/2016 18:29

Are u happy with the lack of sex? If u are then fair enough but if u aren't then I'm afraid your marriage is doomed x

notagiraffe · 27/06/2016 18:29

It sounds a if he might be gay or have serious problems about sex, such as abuse in his own childhood.

Also, though you say you want to be wanted, you might have your own issues to have put up with it for so long.

If the marriage hasn't been consummated, then it can be annulled. If you want a proper marriage and children, you may have to admit that he is a very close friend but no more.

MaybeDoctor · 27/06/2016 18:30

I said it just in case she wasn't aware that those routes existed - I didn't really realise until I was going through the process of fertility treatment (for unrelated reasons) and saw that 'sexual problems' was a box on the form.

IrenetheQuaint · 27/06/2016 18:31

If you were asexual and perfectly happy with the situation that would be one thing, but, as you're not, I'm afraid you really only have one option if you want to be happy again, and that's ending it. Sorry.

ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:31

Love, even the Pope would think this is fucked up.

RandomMess · 27/06/2016 18:32

He could well be A-sexual (or gay but in denial). Either way he needs to grow up and discuss this with you however embarrassing/uncomfortable/painful it is.

I suggest you tell him that if you can't discuss something as important as this you will be considering ending the marriage.

WeekendAway · 27/06/2016 18:32

So you have never had sex with him at all, before marriage or since? Are you both virgins and has he ever even tried?

I do think being asexual is a real thing - I guess it's entirely possible to lack the hormones or pheromones or whatever it is that causes sexual arousal. And certain medical conditions kill people's sex drives stone dead. Perhaps he has an underlying condition that needs investigating. Do you know if he ever even masturbates or can get an erection? It could be a physical or medical issue or it could be a psychological one.

I'm surprised you've let it go on this long without investigating why he has seems unable to have or want sex ever or at all.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2016 18:33

He's asexual. You are not. This will never work without your being utterly miserable.

ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:33

No I think they had sex at the start. I looked at your other threads OP and it seemed it stopped after uni?

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