Finally had the conversation but not the outcome I was hoping for

[Eeyore777]

Hi, sorry for what is going to be a long message.

I hope someone will be able to give me some advice on this because I'm feeling really desperate! Thanks in advance.

I have been with my other half for over 10 years now, childhood sweethearts and married 3 years. I have posted previously about our lack of sex life which I have been worried about for many years really. I hardly dare write this but we haven't has sex now for 8 years(I am 28), and very minimal amounts of sexual contact in that time. However, we do a lot of hand holding, cuddling etc and general affection which is a big plus.

People have advised on my other posts that I just talk to him and try to identify the problem so this weekend I finally plucked up the courage after all these years. I asked him why he thought there was no sex/was there someone else/was he still attracted to me(tried to do this in a gentle way). He just looked very sheepish and said he wasn't excited by sex and had no desire to do it- with me or with anyone else. The thing is (and I realise how strange this sounds given what I have just said)- we are both really keen to have a baby. He has said he will try his best to get through it (ugh) so we can hopefully get pregnant but a) I want the sex to be enjoyable for him and b) it's going to take more than one quick shag to get pregnant right!!!!???

So I have this underlying feeling of sick. Halfway through this big important conversation that I have put off for years, he decided he just had to get to tesco before 10pm so it was cut quite short. I understand it was probably very awkward for him but it took a lot for me. I love him to bits and am assured he loves me too but I don't know if I can go on forever like this?! I need to feel wanted is that so bad?! When I tried to raise it again he told me we had already discussed it and was quick to defend himself saying 'this is just the way I am'

I am pretty convinced be is not depressed or anything and seems happy (especially with his friends) but life between us is mundane and he doesn't make the effort. I am nervous that we have become more like best friends but I still love him so much and don't want to throw away my life long relationship.

I would be so grateful for any advice as I don't feel I could speak to my friends in this depth- they would be horrified if they knew. Thanks so much. Xxx

I agree that he may be gay or prefers to watch porn.

This is awful, OP. 8 years is a long time. I really hope you do the right thing for you.

What was sex like when it did happen?

He sounds Asexual and that really is a thing.

Unless you don't have any sexual desire yourself , then there will be problems. I can't believe you both think this is normal. Or that you left it so long to discuss.
This site may help you

www.asexuality.org/en/

My theories:
1.Sectretly gay
2.asexual
3.Possibly been abused or had a bad experience?

I'm not sure you actually ARE married OP.

My DH is not v interested in sex (on medication) and neither am I so it's not really a problem. We still talk about it though. I'm worried that you are supposed to be married and can't even talk about sex.

Hi. I was just wondering whether your husband has ever been tested for low testosterone levels? One of my friends has a husband who has low levels and as a result he has little or no interest in sex.

Hi everyone thanks for all your messages- I am overwhelmed by the response and support. I don't think I can possibly remember all your questions to answer them but here are a few insights... Knowing him as I do, I'm pretty certain he's not gay. I will stand corrected if I'm wrong but I just don't think so. I do regret not talking to him sooner but it has just built up to be a huge elephant in the room that I think we have avoided. I guess like anything I have got used to the lack of sex- we have had some intercourse at the start of the relationship but never anything with real spark from his side. I couple of times he lost his erection and I think that may have knocked his confidence but I have done everything I can to try and help resolve that and we are talking years and years ago. I used to find porn on his computer - again years ago but nothing really now unless he is deleting it. I do of course have my own needs and I masturbate quite frequently but I don't share this with him because quite frankly I think it would make him uncomfortable!
The thing I'm worrying about if I follow your advice - and the majority of you are saying it can't go on like this- I have very controlling parents who would be extremely disappointed if my marriage failed. I know I'm an adult and all of that but still don't want to let them down. How do guy explain the reasons to family and friends when THIS is the reason?!!!!! Thanks guys x

I think if people knew you had not even consummated the marriage they would understand. However I appreciate you might not want to make that public knowledge.

You've done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed off. I'd be horrified if my daughter was staying together in a sexless marriage rather than upset me.

Has he seen a doctor for help ?

You don't really have to explain or give reasons to your family for the end of your relationship, you can use stock phrases such as "We've decided to go our separate ways," "We've both changed a lot since university". "We both realized we wanted different things from life".
Very few people would question you closely as to your reasons for divorce.

I feel so sad for you Eeyore that you are wasting your young life on this unfulfilled marriage, but your comment about your controlling parents explains a lot about why you are willing to put up with this unhappy marriage.

It's not unreasonable to want sex. It's not unreasonable to not want it. As long as you are both happy, that's the important thing. I posted earlier about having a gay husband (I'm not saying yours is, and it doesn't really matter). In the end I asked myself if I wanted to spend the rest of my life without intimacy, and the answer was a resounding no. I've since met a man who ADORES going to bed with me, who can think of nothing better than getting the sheets tangled on a lazy wet Saturday afternoon, who loves me leading him to the bedroom after dinner. THIS is what life's about. I've had more sex in the last year than I've had in the last 15. I'm so much happier. My eyes are sparkling, my skin is glowing. I'm more relaxed, and a lot nicer for it. This man is your best friend, and you don't need to lose that, but if you need to feel romantically loved, desired, and attractive, then you're not going to find it with him.

I have very controlling parents and you've married a controlling man. He gives you bare scraps and you accept it passively because that's how you're conditioned. 8 years with no sex and it's an 'elephant in the room'? More a T-Rex i think.

yes, you're an adult. No, it's not easy breaking the dysfunctional patterns and dynamics of our parents/upbringing- but it CAN be done - and only YOU can do it. Let people feel disappointed,let down, angry....this is about YOUR life and happiness - not them.

i'm sorry, but for all the wonderful things you see in your dh - for me the consistent refusal to even talk or seek help in any way shape or form would be a deal breaker. Frankly, if he really loved you and cared, he'd have done something about it. When you don't have honest, open communication in a relationship then it ceases to be healthy....and an unhealthy relationship will carry on rotting from the inside no matter how much spit and polish you put on it.

i'd go and get some help for myself. speak to your gp or a counsellor or friends - stop keeping this all bottled up inside. All it does is isolate you and make you feel powerless. it sounds as though you're very co-dependent and certainly not thinking straight - a baby is not a sticking plaster or a magic cure. your dh will not suddenly change once he becomes a dad - if that's what you're hoping.

you need to break out of this fog, you can't keep playing 'roles' in life without facing the true reality - you are NOT happy OR fulfilled in your marriage. how could you look at him and not say anything to the 'try to get through it' comment?! where is your self respect, your self esteem, your dignity? If he wanted a sexless marriage with you then he should have made that clear at the outset - not trapped you into it.

you've only got two choices - either put up and shut up and spend the rest of your life dancing to other people's tunes, or put your own wellbeing and life first and make some changes.

It's no one else's business what happens in your marriage. And no one else's business why it may end. If you have a baby will it solve the problems? Or will you then be leaving with a baby to look after and everything having two homes encompasses for a child? Or maybe he is the perfect one to have a baby with and co parent with together or apart? I think you have a lot of thinking to do but don't make any rash decisions. Having been in a relationship for 13 years with little sex to one now where as another poster said I have had more sex in last two years than probably whole of my marriage. It's not everything but I think it builds the foundations for a lot of everything else

What if he grits his teeth and gets you pregnant once, but refuses to try for a second? Would you be OK with stopping at one, your child being denied the chance of a sibling? I know people stop at one for all sorts of reasons, but you are settling for miserly, grudgingly scattered crumbs here. Someone else hit the nail on the head about him being exceedingly controlling. There is a huge power imbalance here & it's not a healthy relationship to bring a child into. I'm amazed you agreed to marriage in the midst of a sex drought. You are so young at 28, please let this man go & seek a more fulfilling life. However, it sounds like you'd benefit hugely from Counselling to help you understand the impact of your upbringing on the choices you are making and the behaviour you are tolerating. This is one of the saddest threads I've read in a while - please don't settle for this life.

Gay, would be my first thought.

Only on MN is the poor sod diagnosed as asexual or gay based on a few lines written by a stranger!

Inevitably, is the sexes were reversed, the advice would be very different, and he'd be branded some kind of abused for expecting his wife to out-out!

Look, OP, if you're happy living like this then go down the turkey blaster route with him. If not, explain this to him and end the relationship for both your sakes. He's most likely not gay or asexual (statistically speaking at the very least).

I knew a couple like this. She had sexual issues- vaginismus- and he claimed to not be very sexual as a person. He had a very turbulent and traumatic childhood and stability was very important to him, and she gave him that. They had sex once a year. tops. Anyway, they married on the understanding that sex wasn't really a big part of their life or relationship and seemed actually quite happy. Then he met and fell in love with someone else and realised he actually he did want sex, just not with the woman he had been with for ten years. It ended horribly.

I would be making him have some therapy with me, I think, and basing my next move on that. A baby won't help this.

There's zero evidence he is being controlling. Why do people always have to fabricate an abuse angle to give people permission to leave a relationship? She can leave because he is asexual. She doesn't have to cast herself as a victim and him as an abuser.

This is one of the reasons why women end up in crappy and abusive relationships. Because they believe incompatibility is not enough! Emotional abuse is not enough - he had to hit you! Wrong! You can leave a relationship because you are unhappy. That's enough.

Op is unhappy. Her DH seems the exact opposite of controlling to me. He admitted openly when asked that he doesn't like sex. A controlling man would put the blame on the OP and be manipulative and evasive. Op didn't ask for 8 years - maybe he thinks she is asexual as well!

One day your parents will be dead. And you'll look around at your life and your marriage and you'll realise they werent God Almighty after all. And you were a coward not to face them.

You have to also realise that they don't have to know your marriage is over till after the fact. What other people with controlling parents do is just not tell them. They get their ducks in a row, they get a new flat and they move out. And only then do they say that they have seperated. You just don't give your parents a chance to stick their oar in whilst you're in turmoil. You avoid them and you are very selective in what you say on the phone.

So, you were together, he proposed (presumably), you got married - all without having the 'what the hell is going on here?' talk.

Put simply, if you're not happy in your relationship - leave. It doesn't matter if he never wants sex or he wants it every five minutes, if it makes you unhappy, go. Stay friends, stay best friends even, but don't live together.

Firstly, do not consider having a baby with him!

I suspect that your own sex drive is very low, otherwise you would not have put up with this, for so very long. But, your sex drive is likely to go through the roof when you hit your late 30's, and I doubt you will be able to stay with him then, so you really don't want to be thinking of divorce at that point, when you have kids to consider. Much easier to get out, without kids to think about.

It sounds like he was your first boyfriend. So, you have no other relationship/man to compare him to. This is part of the problem, I think.

Would he mind you having a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, I would explore that. I think that would give you the impetus to leave him actually - once you realised what you were missing.

I married my first boyfriend, and after a while realised I didn't fancy him as much as other men. But even then, the longest we went without was 2 months (and that was a one off dry spell).

My current DH, well, let's just say, I realise now what a truly passionate marriage is like. I fancy him and we can't keep our hands off each other, even though we are 8 years in. I cannot stress enough, how much better a relationship is, with a very good sex life.

You just don't know it, you have no yard stick.

Anyway, yes, I'd ask him about opening up the marriage.

However controlling your parents are, I think if they knew you wanted out because the marriage had not been consummated, and that there was virtually no sexual relationship, they would hopefully be able to understand your reasons and support you. My parents are controlling too, but I know if things were that bad, I could blurt it out, we would have a discussion and work out how to deal with it. I am guessing by your age and the time you've been with him, that you have no other sexual partners to compare your husband to? I feel so sad for you that you have missed out on so much and would urge you to seriously consider your future with this man. Certainly don't even think about having a baby with him for now. They always used to say a non-consummated marriage could be annulled, but I don't know if that's actually true or not.

There you are, it is possible to go for an annulment for non consummation.
www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage/when-you-can-annul-a-marriage

To counter balance all this I am asexual and my DH is not. We have children together conceived in the traditional way. It can work, for us sexuality is a compromise that both of us are willing to make as the rest of the relationship is so amazing. It can work, sex is not the be all and end all, but you both have to be happy with your relationship.

I`m thinking he has a problem but is so embarrassed that he cant talk to you about it, do not have a child in this relationship at the moment would be my advice.