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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finally had the conversation but not the outcome I was hoping for

75 replies

Eeyore777 · 27/06/2016 18:13

Hi, sorry for what is going to be a long message.

I hope someone will be able to give me some advice on this because I'm feeling really desperate! Thanks in advance.

I have been with my other half for over 10 years now, childhood sweethearts and married 3 years. I have posted previously about our lack of sex life which I have been worried about for many years really. I hardly dare write this but we haven't has sex now for 8 years(I am 28), and very minimal amounts of sexual contact in that time. However, we do a lot of hand holding, cuddling etc and general affection which is a big plus.

People have advised on my other posts that I just talk to him and try to identify the problem so this weekend I finally plucked up the courage after all these years. I asked him why he thought there was no sex/was there someone else/was he still attracted to me(tried to do this in a gentle way). He just looked very sheepish and said he wasn't excited by sex and had no desire to do it- with me or with anyone else. The thing is (and I realise how strange this sounds given what I have just said)- we are both really keen to have a baby. He has said he will try his best to get through it (ugh) so we can hopefully get pregnant but a) I want the sex to be enjoyable for him and b) it's going to take more than one quick shag to get pregnant right!!!!???

So I have this underlying feeling of sick. Halfway through this big important conversation that I have put off for years, he decided he just had to get to tesco before 10pm so it was cut quite short. I understand it was probably very awkward for him but it took a lot for me. I love him to bits and am assured he loves me too but I don't know if I can go on forever like this?! I need to feel wanted is that so bad?! When I tried to raise it again he told me we had already discussed it and was quick to defend himself saying 'this is just the way I am'

I am pretty convinced be is not depressed or anything and seems happy (especially with his friends) but life between us is mundane and he doesn't make the effort. I am nervous that we have become more like best friends but I still love him so much and don't want to throw away my life long relationship.

I would be so grateful for any advice as I don't feel I could speak to my friends in this depth- they would be horrified if they knew. Thanks so much. Xxx

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/06/2016 18:35

If he really is asexual it would be cruel to try and force him to do something he doesn't want to do

And utterly destroying of your self respect

There are many men out there lots more compatible who would jump at the chance of having a full sexual relateship with you

WeekendAway · 27/06/2016 18:35

AF I think that's grossly unfair. There will be plenty of couples for whom sex is off the agenda for any number of reasons but if they are otherwise in love and happy and want to co-parent then I see no reason why they shouldn't seek AI to enable that to happen. If gay love is good enough for parenthood then I don't see why celibate love shouldn't be.

If the OP is desperately unhappy about being celibate, rather than just concerned about how she will conceive, then that's a different matter of course.

AyeAmarok · 27/06/2016 18:36

Well, the sex isn't the only problem then, is it. You say he also makes no effort with you, so everything else isn't "so good".

So he is happy with his friends and your life generally is mundane together and he makes no effort.

It's not a relationship anymore, sorry.

ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:37

I suspect that if the OP was asexual too shed be looking into the turkey baster option rather than wishing he would enjoy having sex with her.

Canters15 · 27/06/2016 18:37

Oh op, you poor thing. Get out now, you're far too young for this. My first marriage was identical, I left at 25, met dh at 27 and 2 years later we're married with a baby on the way and despite me being 5 months pregnant our sex life is amazing. I say this not to rub it in but to show you- you don't have to settle!

Leaving a childless marriage isn't anywhere near as hard as you think, though granted it is a bit odd as you're leaving your friends are starting to settle down. People understand and support you, my divorce showed me who in my life truely loved me and I am so much happier now. Good luck.

Lilacpink40 · 27/06/2016 18:38

You have the patience of a saint.

My STBXH left me in Jan and we still DTD fairly close to the end while having major problems as we enjoyed that part of the relationship. I can't understand how you can be in same bed feeling like you want sex and aren't getting really frustrated and having this out with him.

I may sound shallow but when I build up to dating I will expect sex fairly soon.

What does he do while you help yourself out? hoping you know what I mean

AnyFucker · 27/06/2016 18:38

Read the op and her previous threads, WA.

Her husband refuses to even talk about what the issues are. He expects her to live in a sexless relationship but won't discuss it. That is a fucked up dynamic.

ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:40

OP are you generally conflict avoidant?

It is remarkable that you do not seem to feel any anger. Presumably he knew all along that you were a sexual being but just ignored it? Presumably he walked down the aisle with little or no intention of consummating the marriage?

I think you have been very badly let down by him.

But in all these years this is the first time you've raised it and you did it desperate not to come across as pushy???

adora1 · 27/06/2016 18:41

I think his refusal to even discuss indicates even more the likelihood he is in fact gay.

ElspethFlashman · 27/06/2016 18:42

He loves you like a sister. It's as simple as that.

WeekendAway · 27/06/2016 18:48

ok fair enough AF there's a backstory I don't know. But I think its wrong to dismiss someone's life partner as a waste of space just because of mismatched sex drives, even when it's this extreme, without first considering if there is some help that can be sought for what might amount to a medical or psychological problem.

You of all people should know these things are not always straightforward. If a man said his wife wanted a baby but was 'frigid' for the whole of their marriage and blamed previous sexual abuse or chronic or anxiety or body dysmorphia or something, and she clammed up every time he tried to get her to talk about it, I don't you'd be telling him

'Please do not have fertility treatment to bring a child into this fucked up dynamic'

'All you need to decide is whether you can live with a woman who treats having sex with you as the equivalent of wiping shit off her shoe'

would you?

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 27/06/2016 18:51

Asexual is definitely real. And he might as well be gay, because he's not interested in you sexually.
If you stay with him you're writing sex out of your life forever. You're still young enough to find a man who wants to fuck your brains out - don't settle

newworldnow · 27/06/2016 18:52

Are you absolutely sure he went to Tesco? Is he hiding something? Check his online history.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/06/2016 18:55

He is your gay best friend.

Make it official.

Why are you so scared of ending a bad relationship? Why are you describing it as a life long relationship? At 28. That's rather melodramatic. You are young, your first serious relationship hasn't worked out. Unfortunately you let it run on in a bad state far far too long.

Did you grow up seeing terrible relationships? Do you expect men to be bastards? So a man who is nice friend seems great?

Maybe splitting up is hard because you've never done it before? It's not so terrible. Just part of growing up to be a fully functioning adult.

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 19:04

This is more like a platonic friendship than a full marriage. I agree he could just be asexual not all men want sex all the time.

The main thing here is YOU. You've like this for 8 years and could have another 40 or 50 years living like this.

Is this what you want for yourself?

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 19:07

Edit

You've lived like this for 8 years.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 27/06/2016 19:13

Strong possibility he could be asexual.

there is a fab film on netflix that might give you some comfort and understanding about this OP.

If sex is important to you then he probably isn't right for you.

I honestly believe he does love you but this is going to leave you both resentful if neither of you 'match'. I wouldn't expect everyone to match up perfectly but this is a stark contrast and to put it bluntly I don't think masturbation and a cuddle will get you through your entire life.

I say this from being in a relationship with sex but not enough of the emotional cuddly side and being in one with just not enough sex at all and plenty of the cuddly stuff.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 27/06/2016 19:15

oops sorry. This is the full film

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 27/06/2016 19:17

Is it possible you are also asexual or have a really low sex drive?

I mean, you've not had sex with him for 8 years and you don't sound that unhappy about it. You sound concerned about what it means for your relationship, but you don't sound utterly broken, bereft and worthless - which is what I would feel like after 8 years of a sexless relationship!

You stayed with him and you still married him. You didn't even bring it up before! Most people would have run, especially with an unconsummated marriage.

My point is that you may not be as incompatible as you think. If you are concerned that him not being sexually attracted to you means he doesn't love you, that's not true. He's probably asexual and loves you very much but doesn't want to have sex with you.

I would initiate some frank and open discussions about your sexual preferences. Send him to aven.org to speak to other asexuals. Then when you have all the information, work out if you can live with whatever compromise he is offering.

Don't feel like you have to leave just because everyone here would.

biddleyboo · 27/06/2016 19:24

The Sex life in my marriage was very unsatisfying, we had become like brother and sister. I always thought I wasn't bothered about sex, until I hit my late thirties and all of a sudden it was important. It was also too late to change the dynamics.
It wasn't the only reason for ending the marriage, but it was certainly a big part. In fact a line that I read on someone else's thread on Here stayed with me massively throughout my decision making process. It was a simple statement.
"You are a long time dead without a sex life"
If sex is important to you, then I don't think it can survive. Would he be open to you getting that side of the relationship elsewhere if you were comfortable with that?

Bails2014 · 27/06/2016 19:32

I was with someone for five years and we could go 3-6 months without having sex, we had a good relationship, never argued and would hold hands etc but at the end of the day I just felt we were together for convenience, we didn't set each other's world on fire and I'm the end we were just like house mates rather than lovers.

We split up and a year later I met my OH and the rest is history.

I could have stayed in the comfortable relationship but I didn't, it was a scary few months leaving and setting up on my own but that too was a blast.

Best thing I ever did.

milenalee · 27/06/2016 19:36

Personally I think you won't be happy in the long run. You will probably have an affair one day. That said, I have a friend whose husband was sexually abused by his aunt as a young boy. They had a normal sex life for a couple of years, then nothing since. They've been together over twenty years. No kids, they have cats. They frequently go to therapy together because there is quite a bit of underlying tension that comes out when there is conflict. But in general they say they are happy. They travel, eat out, enjoy each other's company. They cuddle a lot, nightly. They joke and laugh and have a lot of friends. They have separate bedrooms. She's never had an affair. She was married once before him to a guy who wanted sex all the time, more than once a day. She says she prefers no sex to that. In many ways it's a happy marriage. Sex isn't everything, but as you have never had a happy sex life, I suspect you will want to try it.

BoatyMcBoat · 27/06/2016 19:56

Would you consider an open relationship? He remains your best mate, but you meet other men, or however you choose to make it work? Not a marriage I would be happy with, I'd prefer no sex at all over shagging other men, but it could work - I've known of people have that sort of arrangement.

AnyFucker · 27/06/2016 20:02

The thread has moved on WA, but you will not see me urging men to stay in sexless marriages either.

LellyMcKelly · 27/06/2016 20:07

I totally agree with Posh and a few others. I've been through this. I've been you. Our sex life was once a month at my instigation when I was 28. At 28, if you've got no kids, you should be at it like rabbits. 15 years and 2 kids (we weren't trying for our second child. We agreed we wanted another, and then tried, just the once, and struck lucky). Then I found condoms etc. and finally got the truth. I won't say I wasted those 15 years, because we have two wonderful DCs, but he made me feel unattractive and unloved.

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