Early signs of abuse or am I over-reacting?

[Kefalonia1]

I have been seeing a man for 1 1/2 months. On a recent date some very strange behaviour surfaced and I would like to know what your thoughts are on it:

1. After a very romantic dinner, we were kissing on the street. He began to kiss my neck and when I recoiled slightly (this is OTT for me in public), he placed his hand around my neck and kept it there. I joked that he better remove it before the police pick him up. The street was FULL of people. He laughed and removed it.

2. A short time afterwards, we were standing with our arms wrapped around each other. It was a tender moment. As I pulled away, he made a bizarre move to kick me. His knee only made light, barely there, contact with my backside, but he did it nonetheless. My first reaction was 'that felt humiliating', He joked about 'violence' & made a comparison with what he had done with my neck earlier.

3. Several hours later, post-sex (and sorry, this is a bit graphic), he spanked my backside a few times. Now, I generally enjoy this. Once, he did this, and I asked him to stop as he was hurting me. This time he did it a couple of times then said "I could hit you much harder you know." And I said "Oh really? Is that what you want?" He shook his head and averted his eyes (which told me 'yes' in other words).

Am I over-reacting here? I found this behaviour quite disturbing. A bit Jekyll and Hyde, especially the kick thing. No man I have dated has ever done anything like this. The sex is amazing and he is incredibly handsome and intelligent. BUT I am starting to think I'm being blinded by lust...

His good career (and apparent, presumably superficial as you've just started dating, support of yours) is by the by: there are abusers in all walks of life.

Finally, he is not a 'typical' bad boy type. He works at a well respected job and generally is very supportive of me and my own career.

You've been going out for six weeks.

You seem uncertain whether you like what he does or not, OP?

If you think you couod both thrive in a kinky D/s relationship (which is definitely not abusive), it might be worth discussing likes, dislikes and boundaries before the events rather than after.

Have a clear talk about your boundaries, and a safe word if you need one. Then if he so much as tiptoes over any known boundary, kick him out of your life for good.

Consent is key.

Run, run, run!

He sounds scary. You've been dating SIX WEEKS. He should be on his best behaviour, not kicking you and putting his hand around your neck.

Why would you want to settle for someone like this?

Jesus Christ, six weeks and he's showing violent tendencies, take this as a warning OP, he's not to be trusted, there's something very wrong with him.

"When the kick thing happened, my first instinct was 'Go home' and yet I didn't - I went home with him!"

Why? Why didn't you listen to your instinct? Why did you give him MORE opportunities to make you uncomfortable and cross your boundaries by going home with him?

If you haven't done the Freedom Programme, I strongly suggest that you do.

I don't know if I'm completely barking up the wrong tree but I have a feeling this might be a cultural thing. I noticed you said he was foreign. I met an Indian friend years ago who was also obsessed with his body. He went to the gym daily for hours and always said how "strong" he was and how he was "like Superman or The Hulk and nobody could ever compare to him".

He also would raise his hand to me in what I deemed to be a threatening manner when I did something he didn't like. If I turned my head away from him mid-conversation to look at something, he would grab my head and turn it back. He didn't see anything wrong in this and laughed it off.

We would have Whatsapp conversations just "Hey, how's your morning been?" etc then he'd ask "have you had lunch?" then lecture me if I told him I hadn't. Endless lectures about how I don't eat what he thought I should, I don't drink what he thought I should, I don't brush my teeth at the correct time of the day. He called it "being helpful". In reality, it was getting tedious and trivial. Bearing in mind, we were only friends who met through uni!

I had to bring the friendship to an abrupt end when his supposed well-meaning lectures turned into "you really frustrate me when you don't do as you're told! I want to smack you in the face!"

I'm not trying to excuse your new man and certainly don't think you should brush it off as "acceptable" just because he might be used to a different culture. I know this is a fairly new relationship and you're questioning "why is he like this?" I just thought I'd share my experience as an insight. I advise you also to do as I did and get out before you're in too deep. Once men like this latch on, it can be difficult to shake them off again!

DaniBubbles - I believe you are somewhat correct. Not quite India which I know has a very diffferent attitude towards women's roles...he is Spanish. Now, I lived in the city he is from for a year and was treated well by Spanish men for the most part. But they lived under a dictatorship until very recently...and members of his family still support it to this day. I even heard him making excuses for it once. Women were mothers and wives up until the 70s and they were extremely subordinate to men.

I also once read that abusive men are most likely angry at their mothers (who they cannot attack for obvious reasons). Don't know how true that is. I know his mother is a successful woman, just as much as his father. But I believe his parents put him under immense pressure to succeed growing up.

Anyway I have broken it off and feel quite miserable .

Op you've done the right thing. Any doubts at all equal too many doubts too early on in a relationship. If you'd been together longer, and the points that you are questioning were a bit less uncomfortable for you, then it's grounds for a chat. At this point in the relationship, and considering how awkward you felt, you had no other choice. Well done you. Next.

I have dated around 10 Asian guys and my bf is Pakistani, none of them have been remotely like this, so i wouldn't say it's a cultural thing at all. Unless I just got lucky!

Tinkfromlovejoy - thank you. He wasn't happy but seemed to accept it easily enough. I did think he might fight it...but I had suggested breaking it off before (with strong resistance from him) so maybe he thought fighting it was pointless.

There were things that I did genuinely value in him. Not everyone that has problems like this are evil. He had positive attributes...and brought some things into my life that other people don't. And things I feel will be missing now. I need to try and hold onto some hope...

Er, who said potentially abusive men were "all evil"? People can have many good qualities but still be a shit prospect as a gf/bf.

It was 6 weeks, bit sad but hopefully not for long.

Sorry you're feeling low OP :(

Maybe try to take from it the positive things he brought to the relationship as things you'd look for in another relationship in the future?

Yep. Doesn't work like that though does it BertieBotts :)

So if I could just take the amazing sex, our ability to discuss everything under the sun (from light-hearted to complex), his emotional vulnerability and how uplifted and positive he made me feel before he threatened me...maybe I won't find all those things again.

I mean I've had a good relationship with sub-par sex. And a partner with amazing sex & strong mental connection that wasn't very uplifting or supportive. People don't come customisable unfortunately.

No they don't, but what Bertie was trying to say was that you'll find those good qualities in someone else - better qualities even.

There's no point torturing yourself by dwelling on the great love that could have been if only it wasn't for his occasional tendency to be a massive fucking creep.

You did the right thing.
Please understand that the intensive attentiveness, chemistry and support so early on could be considered to be part of a grooming script. It is at least a manipulation-he has been so good to you that you would be unreasonable to not forgive this one little thing or that one little bit bigger thing and so on.
Do read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?"

Why did you suggest breaking up to him before? Had he rung alarms bells for you before?

Did you tell him that you were finishing with him because he'd put his hand on your neck and trampled your boundaries?

You did well to listen to your instincts - they were screaming sense at you there, I think.

PurpleAquilegia - No he hadn't. I suggested it because he works a very intense, bordering on workaholic job. We also had differing views on the ideal amount of time spent together.

AndTheBandPlayedOn - I agree the coming on strong could be manipulation/grooming. But the chemistry was very real - I felt it within the first couple of minutes, just from an accidental brush of the hand. In bed, I was more uninhibited & more comfortable with him than...anyone I have slept with actually. Communicating my desires were so easy...I found he was very open to learning. And that is actually something I have oddly struggled to find. And he worshipped my body in a way no one really has before. Oh god will I miss it! Just had to get that out there!

Can I just say as a woman who was in an abusive relationship in the past... good for you. I'm sorry it's been painful for you. I am. I promise there are men out there who don't abuse and value women for who they are. I know saying that doesn't fix the situation but please know this is so so much better than the alternative of trying to break it off after months of abusive behavior in the relationship and the complete lost of yourself that comes with dealing with the manipulative behaviors.

Kefalonia - I'm sure you don't feel great right now but you have done yourself a massive favour, you really have. Putting his hands to your throat and pretending to kick you in public! Joke or no joke, what kind of man does that? My husband is 6 ft 2 and an ex-marine and he has never even raised his voice at me - or any woman for that matter. You deserve so much better than that self-obsessed gym-bod. Congratulations on acting on your instincts. There are real men out there with self-respect and integrity and they don't need to prove anything. Good luck and have a fantastic holiday!