Early signs of abuse or am I over-reacting?

[Kefalonia1]

I have been seeing a man for 1 1/2 months. On a recent date some very strange behaviour surfaced and I would like to know what your thoughts are on it:

1. After a very romantic dinner, we were kissing on the street. He began to kiss my neck and when I recoiled slightly (this is OTT for me in public), he placed his hand around my neck and kept it there. I joked that he better remove it before the police pick him up. The street was FULL of people. He laughed and removed it.

2. A short time afterwards, we were standing with our arms wrapped around each other. It was a tender moment. As I pulled away, he made a bizarre move to kick me. His knee only made light, barely there, contact with my backside, but he did it nonetheless. My first reaction was 'that felt humiliating', He joked about 'violence' & made a comparison with what he had done with my neck earlier.

3. Several hours later, post-sex (and sorry, this is a bit graphic), he spanked my backside a few times. Now, I generally enjoy this. Once, he did this, and I asked him to stop as he was hurting me. This time he did it a couple of times then said "I could hit you much harder you know." And I said "Oh really? Is that what you want?" He shook his head and averted his eyes (which told me 'yes' in other words).

Am I over-reacting here? I found this behaviour quite disturbing. A bit Jekyll and Hyde, especially the kick thing. No man I have dated has ever done anything like this. The sex is amazing and he is incredibly handsome and intelligent. BUT I am starting to think I'm being blinded by lust...

What he's doing isn't necessarily the issue. It's that he's not listening to you, and is making you feel creeped out. For God's sake listen to yourself. You're posting on Mumsnet 6 weeks in! That alone is a fucking red flag!

Run run run.

Have you talked to him about it?

It sounds like every time he's caused you pain it's been during or just after an intimate moment. Maybe because he knows you sometimes like this during sex he thinks this extends to whenever you're kissing or having a tender/ intimate moment. Could you explain that whilst in the bedroom you are into spanking/ having it rough sometimes you really are not comfortable with him handling you roughly outside of the bedroom, even when you are being intimate? Tell him it really doesn't do it for you and you don't like it.

Then if he does it again knowing you don't like it I would definitely say it is a red flag - either he doesn't respect your boundaries or he is trying to hurt/ control you against your will.

Honestly in everything you post about him some new creepy example of controlling behaviour comes up - and this early? The wrong food? Is he three?

You might be interested in reading the book "The Gift of Fear" - it's very interesting about how we notice little things like this but tend to talk ourselves out of acting on them because we are socialised not to.

You can definitely find guys who are into some light BDSM or whatever who respect boundaries. In fact if you are interested in stuff like that in any way it's almost more important you weed out people who are likely to push at boundaries early on.

What do you mean he's not listening to me?

Don't think I was clear in the original post. While he did go a bit far with the spanking (where I had to ask him to stop), this was on a separate occasion. I ASKED him to do it again recently , so he complied. But obviously it seems he may want to use more force than I am comfortable with.

Ffs, there's no getting through to you, is there, OP? He's a dickhead and you're going to stay with him, then in a few months be posting on here complaining about him using you as a punchbag. I give up.

The working out thing sounds dodgy to me too. Bit of a generalisation but some guys who are really into making themselves 'big' and strong have some issues with insecurity somewhere.

PsychedelicSheep - I agree there is probably some insecurity going on. He made a big deal of it when we first began hanging out (to impress me) and occasionally references his still makes reference to his strength. He said the gym is the one place where he doesn;t have to think about all the stresses in his life etc.

On the other hand, this could be bad news for me! This guy is EXACTLY my type. It's not essential (!) but I love muscly biceps. Guys who are into exercising a lot are often ocd too, which this guy definitely is.

A hand around the neck is a huge red flag. It's one of the biggest indicators of serious violence and risk to life. That alone would have me running for the hills.

This is him on his best behaviour- just a few weeks into a relationship. You're already concerned and rightly. He put a hand round your neck in public!

Abusers aren't pantomime villains cackling as they tie ladies to rail tracks. No one would stay with them if they were. They're nice the rest of the time, that's how they keep you off guard. It's irrelevant how nice he is 98% of the time. It takes seconds of pressure on the neck to kill or permanently disable someone.

He's testing your boundaries and so far you've put up with it.

That's several red flags in just a few posts op LISTEN

hand round throat

NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO SAY NO

Controlling with minor issue (food)

Obsessed with displaying his physical strength

Doing all this VERY early in relationship.

I suspect pp right - if you don't bin now you'll be back in 6 months tops saying he's battered you

I agree - the hand round the throat is a big red flag and regardless of what you like in the bedroom he has over-stepped your boundaries.

My love - take it from somebody who has been there, he might tick all of the other boxes but you will suffer in the long run. If he's behaving like this after 6 weeks it will only get worse.

This post makes me want to cry and shout all at the same time. What can't you see OP? Why are you trying to keep a 6 week relationship going when your gut is telling you to run for the hills but you're trying to rationalise your behaviour?

If anyone put their hand around someone's neck and tried to kick then I would tell them to remove themselves from that relationship, can't you see that?

You are not over reacting, you are under reacting. You really should end this before he puts his hand around your neck when there are no people around to help you.

He sounds very creepy. I would dump him.

Even if he'd done nothing wrong you don't owe him a relationship. You've been dating 1.5 months, you can leave because you don't like the colour of his socks. < That.
He has done things wrong though. He sounds intense and a bit creepy. Many abusers are lovely say 85% of the time. Not just normal lovely, incredibly intensely. Because it detracts from the abuse. In your position I would run.

Warning bells would be ringing for me, he's testing you out imo.
Personally I'd end it now, before it gets out of hand and you end up hurt (physically and emotionally).
He sounds creepy to me too 😟

listen to what your gut is telling you. he sounds bad news.

Being spoken to like that about the dinner would have me questioning the guy alone!

This guy is EXACTLY my type. It's not essential (!) but I love muscly biceps.

I'm sure a lot of us love muscly biceps but not when they're being used to strangle us

Honestly OP, if you have to ask if something is abusive then yes, it usually is. Why are you making excuses for him? Get out now, while its still early days.

Listen to your instincts they are telling you be worried .I would get out now it will hard but better than being with someone you seem wary off on a basic level .

I would guess probably into harder core S and M. But could be a red flag. I would have an assertive conversation about what you do and don't feel comfortable with and let him know that if he steps over those boundaries you will be off as you eould consider that an abusive relationship.You could then gauge his reaction to that and then decide.

But tbh, I hate hardcore S and M do would be off anyway. The hand around the neck thing - aaargh!

So in 6 weeks you've already had all these incidents. 6 weeks 6 WEEKS

I've been with my husband for 32 years - I haven't had any of those things happen in 32 years

Run as fast and as far away as you can

Doesn't matter if you are overreacting, although I don't think you are. The bottom line is you don't like the way he is behaving, so that is a perfectly good reason to end the relationship.

You've been with him six weeks you owe him nothing! Equally you've had several red flags within six weeks already. Abusers are nice the rest of the time to keep you there, if they were abusive all the time you wouldn't be with him would you. He is showing you glimpses of who he is. Listen.

What you describe as "sweet and supportive" worries me. Checking that you aren't hurting someone during sex (when you might be) is normal not especially sweet and supportive. It's what should be expected.

Less than two months in and:
He doesn't open up to you
He has snapped at you over something entirely trivial
He continued to spank you after you told him to stop
He thought kicking you was ok and down-played your response to it.

And the best thing you can cite about him is that he made sure he didn't hurt you during sex?

Run. Run for the hills

You seem determined to ignore red flags.

Even setting them aside, why the fuck would you want to be with a man who apparently prides himself on being stereotypically macho and judges those who aren't, or who "fail"?

If he "just" likes S&M he should be honest about it.

It seems more likely he's a physical abuser and controlling.

You are very naive if you think "ooh, how could he be abusive to me, we get on so well!"

Also unlikely that he hasn't had other relationships recently: you just don't know about them.