Early signs of abuse or am I over-reacting?

[Kefalonia1]

I have been seeing a man for 1 1/2 months. On a recent date some very strange behaviour surfaced and I would like to know what your thoughts are on it:

1. After a very romantic dinner, we were kissing on the street. He began to kiss my neck and when I recoiled slightly (this is OTT for me in public), he placed his hand around my neck and kept it there. I joked that he better remove it before the police pick him up. The street was FULL of people. He laughed and removed it.

2. A short time afterwards, we were standing with our arms wrapped around each other. It was a tender moment. As I pulled away, he made a bizarre move to kick me. His knee only made light, barely there, contact with my backside, but he did it nonetheless. My first reaction was 'that felt humiliating', He joked about 'violence' & made a comparison with what he had done with my neck earlier.

3. Several hours later, post-sex (and sorry, this is a bit graphic), he spanked my backside a few times. Now, I generally enjoy this. Once, he did this, and I asked him to stop as he was hurting me. This time he did it a couple of times then said "I could hit you much harder you know." And I said "Oh really? Is that what you want?" He shook his head and averted his eyes (which told me 'yes' in other words).

Am I over-reacting here? I found this behaviour quite disturbing. A bit Jekyll and Hyde, especially the kick thing. No man I have dated has ever done anything like this. The sex is amazing and he is incredibly handsome and intelligent. BUT I am starting to think I'm being blinded by lust...

Even very nasty abusers take on average 18 months to 2 years to let the mask slip.

He's slipping in less than 2 months.

Abuse starts exactly like this. An unexpected reaction, being angrier than expected, sulking, less than happy, or less happy than expected about something good happening to you/in your life.

This man is extremely dangerous. Call it a day today, not tomorrow, not next data, today

Sorry Op, know this is shit, but the sooner you do this, the easier it will be and you will be able to extract yourself.

Chalk this one up to a near miss. And thank your Lucy stars you saw it before it's too late.

After a string of abusive relationships I implemented a policy of dating lots of men and dumping anyone who raised a red flag. I did a lot of dumping and some of them were probably decent guys - but then I met my current partner and ten months on I haven't had a single worry or reservation. Don't stay with someone you have this many reservations about at such an early stage; he is almost certainly testing your boundaries to see if he can exploit and abuse you. Show him the answer to that is no.

OP, you posted on here because you feel uncomfortable with it and deep down you wanted people to tell you "Don't worry. It could be a misunderstanding. Give him a chance".

That's natural. Imagine that he's not the abuser that you worry about and you give up on a handsome charming man because of silly hysteria. You'll regret it.

But... imagine it's the other way round and you stay with him. Imagine over time the mask slips even more. The kicks are more frequent, more painful and those muscles you admire so much means that when he puts his hand on your neck to control you, there's not much you can do. And by that time you'll be sucked in by all that charm...well you'll regret that scenario a lot more. IMO it's better to be safe than sorry.

If you're really not ready to give up on him yet sit him down and talk to him. Ask him what his desires are in bed, why he thinks it's OK to do the other stuffwhen you're clearly uncomfortable with it. And then think about his response because that will tell you a lot.

Run! The hand around your throat and raising his leg to kick you sound like big warning signs to me.

Thanks everyone. When the kick thing happened, my first instinct was 'Go home' and yet I didn't - I went home with him! And now I am feeling upset with myself...for possibly putting myself in danger.

Until the recent date when this happened, I hadn't felt so hopeful about someone in a long time. He is very intelligent & we have great conversations. For the most part he is emotionally vulnerable & not afraid to open up, which I have found refreshing. He worships me in bed and honestly...sleeping together is off the charts. So passionate. He is so attentive.

It's upsetting that I've found someone who possesses all these traits that are ideal for me. But who could then joke about physically hurting me in the way that he has.

Your instincts tell you something is not right. We are blessed with instinct for a reason. Listen to your instinct.

To add to your instinct, based on your description most people (me included) think that there is something really wrong with this man.

Not not let lustrous overrule your common senses.

Do not let lust overrule your commonsense

So passionate. He is so attentive

Yes. Probably learnt that women stay and put up with the abuse if they are getting good sex. But that still isn't worth it, is it?

Being "emotionally open" is one thing, but sharing lots and lots of very personal stuff early on, especially sob stories, can also be a red flag. eg lundy bancroft.

It sounds like you are in lust with him. Nothing wrong with that but for a man to put his hand around your neck is appalling behaviour then there have been even more incidents.

So he's ticking all the boxes except a very important one. You don't feel safe with him.

If you were OK you wouldn't be posting on here. Don't let your hormones overrule your gut feeling, we have that feeling in our gut for a reason and it's NEVER wrong but we often choose to not listen to it.

But what concerns me is the things he does OUTSIDE of the bedroom

6 weeks in and you have concerns.
You know is only going to go one way.
As others have said:-

RUN FOR THE HILLS, THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

DoreenLethal - Ugh, yeah I know. I know I will have to do it. This week before on holiday I think...when I'll have time to recuperate.

It's genuinely so surprising because before this he has told me has no time for countries that have bad human rights that mistreat women. And that he has no time for people that prey on vulnerable individuals!

Apart from being a huge crossing of boundaries, why place a hand around my neck in public??? I told him he'd be getting picked up by police if he didn't remove his hand immediately and so he did while laughing. He was laughing and smiling during the kick motion as well - it wasn't like he suddenly snapped and became angry.

Oh for fucks sake! STOP minimising. He is very bad news. You asked for advice - just listen to what everyone is saying.

No, I'm not minimising Maisie. I'm just trying to understand it. No need to swear...

Run chuck! Sounds like my ex, full of himself(not that this bothered me at the time) i went through 3yrs of mainly emotional abuse and its amazing im not scarred by it! He did hit me a couple of times, they always leave you feeling like your the one whos sorry for doing sod all wrong! They always starts off nice and once they got their feet firmly under the table it starts to get worse! Trust your gut i wish i did at first!

Dont try and make excuses. You are worried other wise you wouldn't of posted about it. Things only get worse and any way he doesn't sound like he will be around forever so what's the point carrying on

I've read your posts OP and I think you're massively minimising.

I'm very kinky, my DP is not so much. Before any contact at all we discussed acceptable boundaries and when it came to experimenting further we had a 'safe word' he uses if he feels even remotely uncomfortable.

What your P is doing is abuse. It's not kinky consensual sex or flirting. You don't want it. It humiliates you. You feel uncomfortable.

If you'd discussed a 'safe word' would you have implemented it in these circumstances? Yes, probably. Well if you haven't discussed a specific 'safe word' NO or STOP should be it. You asked him to stop, he didn't. That is abuse.

Mentioning violence against women and saying he's against it can also be an indicator: it is odd to raise it and state he "has no time for" such places - that should just go without saying.

i'd look at my personal boundaries if I were you. You are minimising and excusing his physical abuse of you. Where is your dignity here? Why haven't you read him the riot act? And why are you obviously so besotted with a typical 'bad boy', type?
Some women accept the unacceptable out of desperation, loneliness, all sorts of reasons when you analyse it and you seem to be going down the same road as they. If you had healthy levels of self respect aligned to cast iron boundaries, you'd have walked away from him after the neck holding incident.
Have a word with yourself o/p.

pallasathena - I would probably have given the exact same response you have given me, as advice to another poster, before this happened.

Well, I did something strange after the neck incident. I pretended like it hadn't happened. After the kick thing, I asked him to sit down next to me (with the intention of confronting him). Then...I didn't confront him at all.

If you speak to people close to me, they will tell you how firm my boundaries usually are. I think this is a mixture of something going on inside me that needs looking at at the moment and the very strong chemistry I feel...which can be blinding. I think I may need to consider seeing a therapist to work this out.

Finally, he is not a 'typical' bad boy type. He works at a well respected job and generally is very supportive of me and my own career. He cooks for me, he is a generally attentive & interesting person. To me, that's not 'typical'? (< Not minimising, just explaining why I have been attracted/dating him).

I don't think you need to see a therapist. I think you need to understand that your hormones are over-riding your gut feeling.

No no no - this man is checking to see how far he can go to control you and he'll use sexual violence. Get rid now.

Exactly Redisthenewblack. After I told him to stop with the neck/expressed discomfort, he did the kick thing anyway. Also I forgot about this! The next morning, having stayed over, I approached him and placed my hand on HIS neck. I said 'How does it feel to you?'. He didn't flinch. 'Doesn't bother me' he replied.

I also think part of the attraction to this guy for me has been the extreme confidence/certainty in himself that he displays. I think this is because usually I am in control of everything (at work) & it's almost like...a welcome relinquishing of that? Obviously this isn't a good thing in my case. But that could be an explanation.

Sounds like hes looking for a submissive lol remind him that this isnt 50 shades of grey

Well, I did something strange after the neck incident. I pretended like it hadn't happened.

This is totally normal. It's partly because we freeze when threatened, adn partly denial: we pretend that things don't exist because we don't want them to be true. "This can't be happening! So it isn't."

You are attached to the idea of the perfect romance with the confident guy with the hot bod. The fact that he's a creep, and a potentially violent one, doesn't square with that vision. So part of you just doesn't want to see it, because otherwise you'd need to lose the good stuff the happy fantasy as well.