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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've met someone and I don't know how to finish this title.

1001 replies

ProfessorPickles · 23/06/2016 22:14

I apologise for the terrible thread title, but I didn't have a clue what to go with and could no longer ask your advice Grin
I still like train edition but didn't want to use it incase it's terrible, which it probably is.

So here we are, part three of the 'I've met someone' saga.
The first thread was very positive and exciting, the second was mostly negative for all of us and here we are starting the third!

Let's make it a good one! Smile

OP posts:
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5
SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:04

This....you know where I am...if I can be of any help...

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:22

Back to square one, or zero, should I say. I'm so fed up with this so need straight talking here. I'll be leaving in three quarters of an hour.

I went to the garage. Things were very busy. Men running all over the place. I went to pay my bill as B was busy. The owner's wife had to write it up and we chatted, a lot. She was asking me about the children, lots of really lovely things. In the meantime B had come to get my key so he could work on the car since the part had arrived. Once I'd paid I went back to the car. The owner's wife had been so lovely but I was aware that B was in his busy work mode. Once back at the car he asked me a couple of questions about the electrics. Turned the car round for me and then just went off without a goodbye. (He does that so much and it really pisses me off.) So, I said, 'so, what are we going to do about Monday then?' I think he then replied 'it's as you like'. And then my negativity/rejection spiral happened. I heard myself saying to him 'won't you be too tired after your weekend?' He said 'yes, it's going to be exhausting'. He then explained exactly what he was going to be doing. He was leaving this evening, doing 8 hours of rally driving tomorrow, same again on Sunday, and then back on Monday morning'. So, I'm hearing that he's not so motivated about coming round to see me. Anyway, the long and the short of it is that he repeated three times 'you decide what you want'. I think I said at some point, 'well, let's forget about it, then', he replies 'it's up to you'. And then the killer phrase for me, he said 'if you want my help I'm here for you'.

So, not only he didn't clarify things about what we were doing on Monday but he's putting the ball in my court and making it clear that all he wants is to help.

After hearing him empathically repeating 'it's whatever you want', I replied 'but how are we to communicate?' which for me implied we don't have each other's 'phone numbers. He responds with 'it's true we're both running around so much'. I get into the car, slam the door (a little) and drive off in a cloud of dust. Smile

And I felt like shit. Yesterday everything was moving onwards and upwards and today we're both complicating things, again.

And all I want is clarity and, if necessary, closure. I want to see him and tell him the good things I wanted to say to him. I wanted to make him happy. Even if it was the last time I saw him. He knows I'm off to England on Tuesday. He doesn't know if I'm coming back or not. He still has my Jag. But I don't want to be suffering like this.

Right, let the straight talk begin. {grin}

Writing this down has helped a little.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:27

I have written things as they were but what is not coming through is how empathically he was saying 'we'll do whatever you want'. I'm finding it hard to translate his 'c'est comme tu veux' which basically means you decide and I will do as you desire. It suggests that he respects my decision. But feel free to say that it's too easy to ask the other person to decide.

Agggghhh.

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:29

I really don't know what to say this....maybe things are getting lost in translation...either that or maybe move on...I'm at a loss ...I can't make sense of it...really wish I could help...but rant away..I'm a good listener...I'm sure prof muddle and the gang will help you though

Muddlewitch · 01/07/2016 18:29

He wants you to do all the running, for whatever reason. Fear, bad past experiences, worried about the professional relationship or whatever. Would you be happy with that? Having to be the one 'in charge?'

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:31

Thank you so much Sweeney and Muddle for being here for me.

I've spoken to one friend since and she kept saying to me 'why didn't you fix a time and a place yesterday?' I explained that his boss arrived at the time and I wanted to be discrete. I also recall telling myself yesterday make sure you nail him down to the specifics otherwise this will never happen.

I could kick myself.

Have I deluded myself all along and actually he's not that bothered? Have I made a complete fool of myself? Yesterday we were both on the same page. He was totally enthusiastic.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:32

No, I wouldn't Muddle.

I just wanted closure. Maybe I just need to have it without the clear ending.

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:33

I don't think you've made a fool,of yourself but neither do I feel you've told him what you want either

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:33

And I saw yesterday that he was willing to do the running too. Suggesting when are where. Suggesting he come to my place.

And today back in work mode. It is so frustrating.

Muddlewitch · 01/07/2016 18:34

I think he is bothered but needs a kick up the backside to be honest!

I think it something happens you might need to be always be the one that leads, which is absolutely fine if you are happy with that but if not it's going to be frustrating, isn't it?

I think this might put me off a little bit to be honest, although I might give it one last very direct shot.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:35

That's exactly true Sweeney. Regardless of his misdemeanours I am guilty of not being clear enough. Perhaps if I'd been very clear yesterday he would have said 'ahh, no thanks' or maybe 'yes please'. I know I am not giving clear enough messages to him but I really thought we were on the same page yesterday. He was happy, I was happy.

So, either I just draw a line and forget about him. Or I get closure by seeing him on Monday evening.

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:36

He maybe thinks you just need his help this as you really haven't been straight to the point have you...if he knew what you really wanted he may be different

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:37

And then, wait for it, I am sadly wondering if he's really, really worth it? I know that is a classic case of sour grapes. But really?

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:37

Different in what way Sweeney?

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:39

I'm going to have to leave in ten minutes max.

Will anyone be around late tonight or tomorrow at some point?

Goodness, how needy! Grin

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:40

As in making a decision...if he thinks it's something you need doing then it is up to you so to speak...but if he knew what you really wanted which I'm beginning to suspect he doesn't then his attitude may be different ....I'm so glad you didn't suggest a bite to eat this....lol

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:41

I shall poss be around very late if required this

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:42

And I'm fed up of making excuses for him by saying 'he's in work mode'. Whilst I do believe that is seriously true (yesterday things were really calm when I arrived and he really opened up and then when he turned up at my home he was open too) surely he if he wanted it enough he would have asked about Monday. Or maybe in his head it was clear he was turning up anyway.

Muddlewitch · 01/07/2016 18:42

I don't think you have made a fool of yourself at all, and I do think he is interest.

But he seems a bit flakey and hard work and my worry would be that if something happened between you (and I absolutely believe it would if you were direct with him) then he might flake and faff on you afterwards which might leave you feeling quite crap.

He seems hard work and high maintenance. I think you deserve some fun, I'm not sure whether any fun with this guy would be outweighed by his moodiness.

Muddlewitch · 01/07/2016 18:43

I'll be around later too.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:43

Don't worry about being around later Sweeney. Live your life! Grin Maybe tomorrow?

SweeneyToddFlyingSquad · 01/07/2016 18:45

Poss daytime tomorrow...come 5 pm...Guinness time lol...

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:45

And yet he comes across as proactive and clear, Muddle. I'm so confused. And mostly I'm just really sad and disappointed. Because a bit of fun and light relief has turned into something way too emotional.

And I realise that's just as much my responsibility of course.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 01/07/2016 18:46

Right, I'm going to have to head out.

I hope I feel better soon. Sad

It's pathetic really. Talk about emotional dependancy.

Muddlewitch · 01/07/2016 18:48

It's totally understandable This some people just get under your skin regardless of what defences you put up.

I hope you have a good time tonight and it takes your mine off of things for a while.

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