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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best friends dp has declared he's in love with me :(

85 replies

MissRabbitHasTooManyJobs · 23/06/2016 20:43

So bit of history... Met bf 5 yrs ago at NCT group and our dd's are best friends.
My relationship with dp has been up and down for a few years due to various circumstances, one of them being his moods and depression and lack of sex drive and multiple losses in the family.
So last summer my friends dp became my friend too by hanging out with us when he was on shifts. I found him to be a bit of a pain and a bit loud to be honest and it sort of encroached on our time having chats about nothing in particular!

Anyway he started to offer me lifts when my dp was at work and dc were at school, shopping etc.
completely innocent in my eyes.
Then something changed and I began to like him more than a friend.
I am very very ashamed of this. He's not my "type" and a lot younger than me and eventually the inevitable happened.

I felt sick, cut all contact and backed off from friend in shame.
Have seen him quite a bit since in group outings and remained civil.

He told me lots of secrets that I wish I never knew, like experimenting with men while his dp was out, having numerous affairs etc.

She is totally oblivious and is like a slave to him, is totally obidient for want of a better word and loves the bones of him.

Within the last week he sent me a message, extremely long and told me he's tried to suppress his feelings but can't and is totally in love with me. I do not feel the same.

I admit there is a spark though I cannot work out why, maybe it's the attention he paid me, made me feel beautiful and wanted. Ridiculous.

What do I do?? I feel physically sick.

To make it even worse he's friends with my dp.
Sorry for such long post, been bottling this up for over a year.
I know I deserve the responses I'm expecting but need help, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 23/06/2016 22:34

Obviously noone else on here has ever fucked up. You fucked up. You know you did. I don't think you should even be there to tell him tomorrow. He's obviously a complete twat and if he's that crazy about you he may go a bit bunny boiler. No-one can tell you what you should do now. If you come clean it has to be across the board, tell everyone and blow the whole thing wide open.presumably blocking him out completely isn't an option as you've a friendship to take into account which will get in the way of blocking him. I think maybe he has one chance to fuck off and leave you alone else you have no choice but to spill all. It's a lose lose I'm afraid.

Costaflyby11 · 23/06/2016 22:36

Not that I'm sticking up for OP, but I read the 'inevitable happened' as not so much a detachment of responsibility but more of a 'I got my self into a situation and inevitably I did something stupid!

I'm pretty sure the choice of wording is not what people should be focusing on imho!

A lot of people are lobbying for the truth to be told and I would generally agree, but with children involved, and the closeness of you all I think this could potentially be more harmful, I think in the circumstances I would detach completely from your friend, tell friends partner in no uncertain terms you want nothing more to do with him, and if he continues to pester you you will not hesitate to tell his missus everything and deal with the consequences, hopefully this will be enough of a wake up call to make him back off

Then i would suggest doing some serious soul searching and decide whether you actually want to be with dp or not, I would suggest maybe not seen as you have slept with someone else! If not, end it and give him chance to find someone who actually does want to be with him and be faithful!

TrippyMcTrapFace · 23/06/2016 22:43

It's made me feel a bit grimy, reading this thread.

It sounds like you just wanted to cause hurt to everyone OP. Shagging someone that you think is ugly? WTF is that about?

Fomalhaut · 23/06/2016 22:53

Inevitable?

Gosh, am I doing something wrong? I've never had sex with a friend's husband...some of them are rather attractive too...

Isetan · 24/06/2016 09:16

There's no guaranteed way of making this man go away without either your friend and/ or your partner finding out. So your choices are; crossing your fingers (and legs) and hoping he gets the message, which given you're still meeting him, isn't a particularly clear one. Or, going to the Police and reporting his harassment.

I'm so sorry that your 'bit of escapism' is blowing up in your face and risks hurting the innocent.

firesidechat · 24/06/2016 12:38

Sorry op but you can't come on here with your "inevitable" crap and hope to get away with it. I'm not buying it or did you mean to get us all wound up. I can tell you now that today is not the day to wind me up. Angry

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 24/06/2016 12:44

Glad you've admitted you're an idiot.

He sounds like a right catch. Continually unfailthful to his DP, right down to conquering her best friend (because it sounds like you're really nothing more than a conquest to him). You have to tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off and stay fucked off. I think you also need to do one final act of being a good friend and tell your friend everything you know about how he's been behaving, including with you. Her world is going to fall apart, but that is the only inevitable thing in this whole scenario. It will happen sooner or later and it's kinder for you to facilitate that now, rather than another baby or big financial commitment down the line.

OliviaBenson · 24/06/2016 12:58

Why the hell are you seeing him tomorrow? Don't, just don't.

Arfarfanarf · 24/06/2016 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 24/06/2016 13:04

So you chose to get close to and then shag your best friend's partner when you don't even fancy him or like him much?

Was it just to prove you could? Have you always been jealous of your best friend?

What a shit person you have been.

And 'inevitable'? ODFOD.

MrsJayy · 24/06/2016 13:07

Having sex with somebody is a choice you chose and now you are scared your husband and his wife finding out im not sure what you want to do next ?

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/06/2016 13:20

he's ugly I wouldn't have looked twice at him - well aren't you a beautiful little person

i have so much power over him - absolute bullshit! He's not in love with you he's playing you.

Clearly you're too shallow to realise this given the 'ugly' comment but it's not all about the shape of your face you know, he obviously had an attraction for you - unless you were just completely using him.

Tell your poor dh so he can move on to someone genuine and tell your friend his grubby little secrets so she can do the same. Oh and him 'coming round to pick something up' is just more bullshit and betrayal of your friend and partner.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 24/06/2016 13:29

And now I feel the need to wash my phone, it's all so nasty. Eww Shock

EttaJ · 24/06/2016 13:33

Ugh woe is you. I'll save my sympathy for you friend and your dp. You fancy yourself way more than he does.

adora1 · 24/06/2016 14:08

You only came on here to boast that some other man is apparently in love with you except he isn't and is shagging anything that moves by the sounds of it, lucky you eh.

Inevitable - you really sound like you are owning it, not.

Ask Jeremy Kyle, sure he can get you on the show.

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 24/06/2016 14:22

You ain't getting out of this unmarked. You think he's going to leave this? He has so much on you. Who will look worse you or him. Her partner or her married best friend. Mistakes happen, but you went there TWICE
So you'd be ok with your DP fucking your married friend if you was going through what he's been through. I hope to god you have an STI check and it wasn't in any of the martial homes. Confess now or it will get worse. Good luck.

Cabrinha · 24/06/2016 14:41

Oh that's really funny that you think you have power over him and he'd leave her for you tomorrow.

Grin

You're not that up your own arse /daft to believe that are you?!!!

He's unfaithful all the time. Other men too. Niiiiiiiiiiiice.

You don't even like him.

Tell you friend - she'll rightly hate you, but you have a chance to even the moral slate up a bit by giving her a chance to drop someone who fucks all kinds of tramps.

Tell your husband. Doesn't matter if he dumps you really, at the end of the day, because you don't care about him anyway.

Then flip off your (ugly) catch or feel free to carry on seeing him. Whatever.

Cabrinha · 24/06/2016 14:43

Sorry, when I said tell your friend I meant, tell the woman to whom you are absolutely not a friend because you casually fucked her husband.

HuskyLover1 · 24/06/2016 14:45

Oh do grow up. He isn't in love with you. He's in love with himself. He's trying to get in to your pants again, is all.

This would be bad enough, if you'd fallen for him. But to think you shagged him just because you could, is even worse.

I'm not sure this is even real. he sounds like Marco from BB

P1nkP0ppy · 24/06/2016 14:46

I feel grubby reading this; making me itch.....
The fact he's with other men as well as your poor unsuspecting BF.....yuck.
He's got you by the short and curlies op and if you don't reciprocate I reckon he's going to be spilling the beans to your do.

MrsJayy · 24/06/2016 15:18

What is wrong with a person that you shag them twice but find them ugly and not even like them its really gross

WeekendAway · 24/06/2016 15:27

On so many levels you are not painting a terribly attractive picture of yourself in this OP MissRabbit.

If you were a man and he was a woman you'd be called a callous player who was bored because they weren't getting enough sex at home, who flirted with their best mates wife, lured her in with the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line, screwed her, then dropped her from a great height when she said she had feelings for you.

I don't know what you want us to say really Confused

You will just have to tell him firmly that there is nothing doing and hope that he takes it on the chin and walks away quietly. If he doesn't then you only have yourself to blame for whatever consequences lie ahead.

WombOfOnesOwn · 24/06/2016 16:58

When this OP talks about not finding this man attractive and seeing the sex as "inevitable," I wonder if she was severely pressured into it. This man already has a woman at home he cheats on with men and women alike, whose life revolves around him. It sounds like he's an expert manipulator. Perhaps OP saw the sex as "inevitable" because he framed it that way and wore her down with pressure. Many women "freeze" instead of telling a man to go away, especially if they have a history of abuse.

That's not to say it wasn't a stupid decision -- just that it may not be quite as simple as OP wanting to mess up all her relationships.

WeekendAway · 24/06/2016 17:01

When this OP talks about not finding this man attractive and seeing the sex as "inevitable," I wonder if she was severely pressured into it.

Oh for crying out loud. Hmm

adora1 · 24/06/2016 17:04

She had sex twice with him Womb!

And btw, in this case the DP stands for Desperate Prick