My gf constantly feels guilty about me and my son

[ConfusedFrustrated]

I'm so confused.

The basics: My gf is a bit younger than me, in her mid 20s. We've been together 20 months now. I have an 8 yr old son from a previous marriage and when I met my gf I told her on our first date. They did not meet until 6 months into our relationship.

Background: We have had a great relationship so far, amazing and we're so much in love. I initially kept my son and my "old/other" life separate because my gf was 24, single, childless and I thought it would be too overwhelming, so all the meeting and talk about my son happened slowly over time, exactly how it should have happened. My gf has had a difficult time for a number of reasons, the main ones:

1. Her ex was mentally unstable and was sectioned.
2. She is from EU and her family do not live in UK.

We love each other very much, even this early on in the relationship. We have set med-long term plans for ourselves. We've both got savings, we've both got high interest savers, we both want to get a house together, we both want to have a baby together. She sees my mum regularly with me, I've been abroad and met her parents and family twice. They recently visited us here. Both our parents have met. My gf quit smoking over 2 months ago which is absolutely amazing considering the length of time she smoked. So no cigarettes. I'm very sporty so it was contrary to my lifestyle anyway. Initially quitting was really terrible and we argued very badly while she was in withdrawal, and we both hated it - it's so much better now and we both knew and realised it was a symptom of quitting. So that's all behind us and I'm so glad as I hated her smoking, but I love her so much - She now goes to the gym with me too.

The issue: She is so incredibly guilty about my relationship with my son.

And I don't know what to do. She wants me all to herself, which I understand as I only want her to myself too. She accepts that I (we) spend time with my son and that because he doesn't live with us but stays with us a few days a week that when I see him I need to and want to give him attention - however she is still incredibly jealous of that. She never wants to be in the way of me and my son and in fact sometimes really steps back and 'hides' away so that we can have father-son time together and I really don't like when she does this because she gets sad, resentful, she pulls away from me and her issue is that she feels so guilty about taking my time away from my son and me YET is so jealous that we have time that she gives us. She always says "I shouldn't be here. There's no place for me." It's so confusing. Other times, most of the time in fact, we are a great 3 and do things and enjoy stuff and laugh together and it's terrific. Sometimes she says I don't put her first, but she understands my son is no 1. My problem is when we're all together I share myself 50/50. I'm so split. I can't give her 100%, nor him so I have to divide my attention and time equally which as you can imagine, you cannot measure or quantify how to do properly. So I always feel guilty too!! But, I can reason it away to myself (I'm a guy, I'm sorry, it's easier for me). She cannot. She dwells on her thoughts and emotions all day every day.

The truth is, and this is going to sound awful so I expect some flack, I put my gf first virtually all the time. And she's with me all the time, all week, whereas my son isn't so this is a huge commitment for me to make to her because believe me, I truly love my son. And I have told her this, and we've cried a few times because it hurts me beyond belief to put her first before my son, but I do it because I love her and most times I don't tell her how bad I feel doing this because I know she will hurt so much knowing she is the cause of my hurt. I don't resent her at all for this. I know there are two ways of looking at this and the other school of thought is that my son should be no1 no matter what, but if I'm one day going to be starting a family with her, she can't be second because we will be partners. She has to know and feel I love her without condition. But this fills her with so much guilt because she both wants me to, but doesn't want me to.

Bottom line: I put her first, she feels so much guilt. I don't put her first, she feels jealous and un-loved.

Help me. Tell me what to say and do. You're mostly women here (?) some of you must be in that girlfriend position and have felt these same feelings.

I keep posting because I'm so angered for your poor son. I'd be heart broke if my 8year old son was treated this way. The only people a child has to lean on is it's parents. Huge parenting fail right there!

The length of your post and the fact that most of it was irrelevant (what the hell has giving up smoking got to do with it?) makes you sound as tedious as your girlfriend. Get a grip and put your son first.

Yes monkey I don't understand the smoking and gym bit. I thought while reading it she quit for his son. Nothing to do with them both being heartless people. Later on he will resent her and he will regret his choices.

You should fucking be ashamed of yourself!! Putting this 'child' ahead of your son!!!
Partners come and go. Children do not!!!!! Grow a pair and dump this girl!

I think the smoking story was to show how they can weather storms.

In reality it shows how she was a complete bitch and they were horrible to each other but it's OK - it wasn't them at all, it was the fags fault.

No. It was her mask slipping.

I think it was just an excercise in self indulgent twaddle written under the misguided belief that us ladies are desperate to hear all the details of this poor tortured soul

She sounds dreadful.

She can't even own her own shit. I wouldn't condemn her for feeling jealous - feelings are feelings, you can't always help them. But labelling it 'guilt' in an attempt to make herself look better in your eyes, and to garner attention and sympathy from you is just crap behaviour. So is continuing a relationship with a father when you haven't got the maturity to handle it.

I'd say 'get rid', but I'd be surprised if you did, tbh.

My brothers gf is like this, she is vile. Asked my brother to choose between her and my neice. He chose my neice (he has custody of her) but they ended up getting back together and having a child of their own and now openly tell my neice that they are doing stuff (going on holiday, days out etc) to get time just the 3 of them. It's horrible to watch.

OP not been back?

I can only agree with every other poster. This relationship has got disaster written all over it. It will destroy your relationship with your son and that will do him permanent emotional damage from your rejection of him. You are his dad - that requires your time and effort. If your gf is too needy to cope with that, and so incredibly manipulative in the process, you will find yourself left with nothing in your efforts to please her.

You clearly feel the need to rescue her. She is on her own, no family here, she's young, gave up smoking for you, agonising over her feelings - and you are her knight in shining armour protecting and loving her. It's blinding you to the blatant manipulation.

I still find it fascinating that she is making OP feeling bad because she decided to stop smoking as if any one can give anyone to stop.

As for not having any family in the country... Thousands of us are in the same situation and we don't go around life asking our partners/boyfriends/husbands to break our family relations to have them all too ourselves.

You may think you are rescuing her, I think you have managed to land yourself in the hands of manipulative controlling bully.

Are you already walking on egg shells around her? First step to spot an abusive partner is to look at the efforts they take to separate you from friends and family.

Not that I think you will do this for a second, because all the signs are there that you'll put this TERRIBLE woman before your child, but I'll say what I think you should do anyway.

End it. Today. The sooner the better.

She is showing you who she is. And that is a VERY VERY UGLY PERSON.

You cite her past as a reason to give her some latitude. Don't. She's using it as a method to get away with shit you would not put up with from anyone else.

She is resentful of your child. God forbid you saddle yourself with her for the rest of your life by having kids with her, she will favour her child over yours and increase the damage she's already doing to your young man's esteem.

It takes on average 18m - 2 years for an abusers mask to slip. Hers slipped the minute you started making excuses and talking about this guilt bollocks. She resents and hates your child. She's talking about her guilt over this to make herself the victim. "I feel so bad that I hate you spending time with your son"

Normal people don't do this. She's damaged. Truly damaged and will kill the relationship you have with your boy.

If I knew my sons partner felt this way about my son, I'd reduce contact.

No human being gets between a child and their parent.

Today. End it today, once and for all and don't talk yourself out of this.

It does not matter what you think you feel, you don't, this is about doing the right thing.

The right thing is to protect your child from people who will damage them in any way.

What MeMySon said.

A person who really loved you would want to make you happy by helping you to be the best you can be: that's what loving people do. This woman pretends she wants you to engage with your son- and then fills you with guilt. She is not capable of loving anybody except herself- think carefully about that before you consider having a child with her.

OP you are a mug. She's manipulating you and if she's so immature that she can't stand your child being your number 1 priority then drop her right now. No one should EVER come before your child and you know it.

Troll post?

And maybe when she has a baby, she will use her/him to influence you in another way. Maybe even take baby back to her own country. It happens oh too often

If you really have angst over whether your child should come first, he's better off without you. It shouldn't even be a question ffs. You both sound about 14.

She sounds dim, drama-obsessed and painfully narcissistic.

The fact that you put this horrible individual ahead of your son almost beggars belief. Has she a magic fanny or something?? Supermodel? Endless cash? I can't think of an excuse that would make this kind of absolute shite worthwhile...? Does her youth boost your ego, is that what it is?

The fact that you have been putting her ahead of your son actually makes me feel sick. What did your child ever do to deserve such a thing? Shameful

I really don't understand this OP; I really don't.

If any one told me that they were jealous of the relationship between my son and I. I would honestly think that they were deluded and send them packing straight away.

Now now people; you don't seriously expect the Op to dump his hot, young, I'm guessing Eastern European gf just cause she's toxic, selfish, manipulative, immature & could damage his relationship with his son, do you?!
Don't worry, new baby will take son's place and they'll be a happy family.

The bottom line is this OP: There is nothing more appealing to a mature, loving woman than a man who puts his kids first. She's not a real woman, she's competing with a child for your love. No woman worth crossing the street for would do that.

Me and DH always put DCs first. I would be mortally offended if he tried otherwise and I am sure he would do the same. If she can't see this, she is t ready for a long term relationship where having a baby alongside your son is on the cards too. LTB

The most incredibly sexy thing about DH is how he goes batshit mental about kids over me even. To me that's incredibly attractive and sexy and the opposite would be a massive turn off and a very big red flag. So run away while you can.