My gf constantly feels guilty about me and my son

[ConfusedFrustrated]

I'm so confused.

The basics: My gf is a bit younger than me, in her mid 20s. We've been together 20 months now. I have an 8 yr old son from a previous marriage and when I met my gf I told her on our first date. They did not meet until 6 months into our relationship.

Background: We have had a great relationship so far, amazing and we're so much in love. I initially kept my son and my "old/other" life separate because my gf was 24, single, childless and I thought it would be too overwhelming, so all the meeting and talk about my son happened slowly over time, exactly how it should have happened. My gf has had a difficult time for a number of reasons, the main ones:

1. Her ex was mentally unstable and was sectioned.
2. She is from EU and her family do not live in UK.

We love each other very much, even this early on in the relationship. We have set med-long term plans for ourselves. We've both got savings, we've both got high interest savers, we both want to get a house together, we both want to have a baby together. She sees my mum regularly with me, I've been abroad and met her parents and family twice. They recently visited us here. Both our parents have met. My gf quit smoking over 2 months ago which is absolutely amazing considering the length of time she smoked. So no cigarettes. I'm very sporty so it was contrary to my lifestyle anyway. Initially quitting was really terrible and we argued very badly while she was in withdrawal, and we both hated it - it's so much better now and we both knew and realised it was a symptom of quitting. So that's all behind us and I'm so glad as I hated her smoking, but I love her so much - She now goes to the gym with me too.

The issue: She is so incredibly guilty about my relationship with my son.

And I don't know what to do. She wants me all to herself, which I understand as I only want her to myself too. She accepts that I (we) spend time with my son and that because he doesn't live with us but stays with us a few days a week that when I see him I need to and want to give him attention - however she is still incredibly jealous of that. She never wants to be in the way of me and my son and in fact sometimes really steps back and 'hides' away so that we can have father-son time together and I really don't like when she does this because she gets sad, resentful, she pulls away from me and her issue is that she feels so guilty about taking my time away from my son and me YET is so jealous that we have time that she gives us. She always says "I shouldn't be here. There's no place for me." It's so confusing. Other times, most of the time in fact, we are a great 3 and do things and enjoy stuff and laugh together and it's terrific. Sometimes she says I don't put her first, but she understands my son is no 1. My problem is when we're all together I share myself 50/50. I'm so split. I can't give her 100%, nor him so I have to divide my attention and time equally which as you can imagine, you cannot measure or quantify how to do properly. So I always feel guilty too!! But, I can reason it away to myself (I'm a guy, I'm sorry, it's easier for me). She cannot. She dwells on her thoughts and emotions all day every day.

The truth is, and this is going to sound awful so I expect some flack, I put my gf first virtually all the time. And she's with me all the time, all week, whereas my son isn't so this is a huge commitment for me to make to her because believe me, I truly love my son. And I have told her this, and we've cried a few times because it hurts me beyond belief to put her first before my son, but I do it because I love her and most times I don't tell her how bad I feel doing this because I know she will hurt so much knowing she is the cause of my hurt. I don't resent her at all for this. I know there are two ways of looking at this and the other school of thought is that my son should be no1 no matter what, but if I'm one day going to be starting a family with her, she can't be second because we will be partners. She has to know and feel I love her without condition. But this fills her with so much guilt because she both wants me to, but doesn't want me to.

Bottom line: I put her first, she feels so much guilt. I don't put her first, she feels jealous and un-loved.

Help me. Tell me what to say and do. You're mostly women here (?) some of you must be in that girlfriend position and have felt these same feelings.

[laidbackneko]

[LaBelleOtero]

Bollocks. You and your gf grow up, stop wailing at each other about how bad you both feel, and take care of that little boy. You sounds like a pair of drama merchants.

When she literally hides, call her back. He's a person, not an unexploded bomb. You can both spend time with him. Yes, he will need quality time just with his Dad, but that only needs to be an hour or so. An 8 year old doesn't need to be hand fed, he doesn't need help in the loo, he can join in with whatever activities you have planned.

I put her first, she feels so much guilt. I don't put her first, she feels jealous and un-loved.

If this is accurate, she's either a moron with a lower IQ than the average dog, or she's mentally disturbed.

Actually, I don't even understand why you feel you must put one or the other 'first' all the time. What does that even mean? I live in a family home, four of us, I very rarely feel I've put anyone first. We all muck in together. Do you mean you run his bath before you run hers? You cook her food before you cook his? You let one of them walk through a door before the other? They have to take turns playing with the Lego?!

ALL YOU NEED IS A HEALTHY BALANCE. It doesn't have to be hard!

[catlover97]

I used to have (note used to) a friend who had a whirlwind romance with "the love of her life" who inconveniently had a child from a previous relationship. She behaved as your GF does - on the one hand so "keen to make an effort" and on the other not wanting him around because, and I quote, "it's not the same as if it were our own child which I can't wait to have". It sickened me (and many others) when the step son to be was left out of their wedding as it would have been "inconvenient" to have him there. Some people as PP said are not fit to become step parents/significant others. It's just not fair on the child(ren). Please consider your child's needs over and above this immature individual.

[roundaboutthetown]

She is manipulative, immature, jealous and selfish. What will probably happen is that you weakly and meekly gradually lose contact with your ds, she will start a family with you, then you will split up with her and she will go out of her way to ensure you don't get to see any of your children... because this is a woman who is only interested in getting exactly what she wants and who has no genuine interest in the needs of others.

[SpookyRachel]

It doesn't much matter if OP is a troll. This situation is far from uncommon, sadly, and maybe this thread will help other people experiencing similar.

OP, take it from someone old enough be your mum: even if there wasn't a child involved, you will find that as the relationship wears on this drama llamaing will become very very wearisome. Someone who is this much hard work is not a good bet for the long term.

[AyeAmarok]

Bloody hell, she's done a right number on you, hasn't she.

The problem is that in order to be in a relationship with someone who has a child, you need to be mature and secure and act like a grown-up, who can understand that the child comes first. Always.

She sounds like an immature, manipulative, devious little drama queen, set on a campaign to push out your son more and more.

No decent parent would ever let this happen. Don't be one who does.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Your girlfriend is very immature. That's all.

[Fairylea]

She's brainwashed you. She's not feeling guilty ffs, she's jealous! There is no place for jealously in a step parent / blended family, none whatsoever.

[HopefulHamster]

I know someone like this. She is very young, with someone who has two children with another woman. He does put them first, and it infuriates her. She knows he must put them first, but she is also insanely jealous and repeatedly argues with him about it.

Until she has her own child with him, or they break up, these arguments will continue. Truth is she just shouldn't be with a man who has already got a family, she's just not mature enough to handle it.

And she doesn't have to be - many people wouldn't want that for themselves, it's not unreasonable in itself. Being unreasonable is staying with you and making you pick her.

Your child should always come first.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm seriously hoping this is just a wind up!!!
But I know this does happen.
Step up and be a father and stop fannying around with this immature twat of a girl!

[CalmItKermitt]

Where has the OP gone?

[nicenewdusters]

You'll marry her, have a baby. Her resentment for your son will magnify hugely. You'll feel guilty, torn, it will affect your relationship with her, your new baby and your son.

You'll have another baby to try and make things better, to make you a proper family. She'll still be immature and resentful of your son, who represents a side of your life she can never be fully part of.

Your relationship with her will suffer, and all this time your son will feel you being torn between them. His self-esteem and self-worth will be battered, he'll most likely develop trust issues.

When he was born and you first saw him did you ever think you would/could put him in such a position ?

Ok, so she's your young girlfriend of 20 months and you're in love. He's your son for god's sake.

[EttaJ]

She's a manipulative little bitch from your description and she is jealous of your son, not guilty . He will always be your son , there WILL be other women . She's hoping you'll choose her over him. Your time with him shouldn't be spent worrying about her. She'll get pregnant then try to stop you being a father to your DS. I have seen it before.


You state she moans you don't put her first and you say she dwells on her emotions all day , every day?! I hope you haven't got any pet rabbits!! She will use her charms, great sex maybe? But she is dangerous and you should avoid her like the bloody plague. Your DS will likely pick up that she resents him. Run man, run!!!!!

[AtrociousCircumstance]

This woman will hurt your child emotionally in man many ways - some obvious, some subtle and insidious and constant.

Choose to stay with her and you are betraying your son.

[Montane50]

Please be clear, she doesn't take a step back-shes trying to make you choose between her and your son. Also if you did have a child with her? It would be to try snd replace your son, so the 3 of you can be a nice family unit and ultimately push him out. If that happens? It may be doing your son a favour tbh, any man who chooses a new gf over his own child really doesn't deserve children

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Wow. She sounds like a dick.

[lightgreenglass]

Zumba, so where does your DNiece go when they go on holiday etc together. That's so sad.

[magoria]

She has you to herself 5? nights a week?

Your DS gets to see you what 2?

Tell her to stop being a selfish mare and let you and your DS have those couple of nights free of her and her 'issues' before your DS realises and it drives a wedge between you.

[merville]

No offense Ella but to state th obvious you no longer have any form of relationship with your Dad because of her .. and your Dad;
which I suppose is the point everyone is getting at in itt.

Very sorry to hear that too .

[Ellarose85]

My DFs new wife did exactly this when they first got together.

I no longer have any form of relationship with my Dad because of her.

This should be a massive red flag to you and IMO you should take a giant step back from her but something tells me that you won't.

[Valentine2]

The most incredibly sexy thing about DH is how he goes batshit mental about kids over me even. To me that's incredibly attractive and sexy and the opposite would be a massive turn off and a very big red flag. So run away while you can.

[Valentine2]

Me and DH always put DCs first. I would be mortally offended if he tried otherwise and I am sure he would do the same. If she can't see this, she is t ready for a long term relationship where having a baby alongside your son is on the cards too. LTB

[Cary2012]

The bottom line is this OP: There is nothing more appealing to a mature, loving woman than a man who puts his kids first. She's not a real woman, she's competing with a child for your love. No woman worth crossing the street for would do that.

[merville]

Now now people; you don't seriously expect the Op to dump his hot, young, I'm guessing Eastern European gf just cause she's toxic, selfish, manipulative, immature & could damage his relationship with his son, do you?!
Don't worry, new baby will take son's place and they'll be a happy family.

[notgivingin789]

I really don't understand this OP; I really don't.

If any one told me that they were jealous of the relationship between my son and I. I would honestly think that they were deluded and send them packing straight away.