My gf constantly feels guilty about me and my son

[ConfusedFrustrated]

I'm so confused.

The basics: My gf is a bit younger than me, in her mid 20s. We've been together 20 months now. I have an 8 yr old son from a previous marriage and when I met my gf I told her on our first date. They did not meet until 6 months into our relationship.

Background: We have had a great relationship so far, amazing and we're so much in love. I initially kept my son and my "old/other" life separate because my gf was 24, single, childless and I thought it would be too overwhelming, so all the meeting and talk about my son happened slowly over time, exactly how it should have happened. My gf has had a difficult time for a number of reasons, the main ones:

1. Her ex was mentally unstable and was sectioned.
2. She is from EU and her family do not live in UK.

We love each other very much, even this early on in the relationship. We have set med-long term plans for ourselves. We've both got savings, we've both got high interest savers, we both want to get a house together, we both want to have a baby together. She sees my mum regularly with me, I've been abroad and met her parents and family twice. They recently visited us here. Both our parents have met. My gf quit smoking over 2 months ago which is absolutely amazing considering the length of time she smoked. So no cigarettes. I'm very sporty so it was contrary to my lifestyle anyway. Initially quitting was really terrible and we argued very badly while she was in withdrawal, and we both hated it - it's so much better now and we both knew and realised it was a symptom of quitting. So that's all behind us and I'm so glad as I hated her smoking, but I love her so much - She now goes to the gym with me too.

The issue: She is so incredibly guilty about my relationship with my son.

And I don't know what to do. She wants me all to herself, which I understand as I only want her to myself too. She accepts that I (we) spend time with my son and that because he doesn't live with us but stays with us a few days a week that when I see him I need to and want to give him attention - however she is still incredibly jealous of that. She never wants to be in the way of me and my son and in fact sometimes really steps back and 'hides' away so that we can have father-son time together and I really don't like when she does this because she gets sad, resentful, she pulls away from me and her issue is that she feels so guilty about taking my time away from my son and me YET is so jealous that we have time that she gives us. She always says "I shouldn't be here. There's no place for me." It's so confusing. Other times, most of the time in fact, we are a great 3 and do things and enjoy stuff and laugh together and it's terrific. Sometimes she says I don't put her first, but she understands my son is no 1. My problem is when we're all together I share myself 50/50. I'm so split. I can't give her 100%, nor him so I have to divide my attention and time equally which as you can imagine, you cannot measure or quantify how to do properly. So I always feel guilty too!! But, I can reason it away to myself (I'm a guy, I'm sorry, it's easier for me). She cannot. She dwells on her thoughts and emotions all day every day.

The truth is, and this is going to sound awful so I expect some flack, I put my gf first virtually all the time. And she's with me all the time, all week, whereas my son isn't so this is a huge commitment for me to make to her because believe me, I truly love my son. And I have told her this, and we've cried a few times because it hurts me beyond belief to put her first before my son, but I do it because I love her and most times I don't tell her how bad I feel doing this because I know she will hurt so much knowing she is the cause of my hurt. I don't resent her at all for this. I know there are two ways of looking at this and the other school of thought is that my son should be no1 no matter what, but if I'm one day going to be starting a family with her, she can't be second because we will be partners. She has to know and feel I love her without condition. But this fills her with so much guilt because she both wants me to, but doesn't want me to.

Bottom line: I put her first, she feels so much guilt. I don't put her first, she feels jealous and un-loved.

Help me. Tell me what to say and do. You're mostly women here (?) some of you must be in that girlfriend position and have felt these same feelings.

OP what will happen when you two have a child? Will she be jealous of you spending time and attention with that child and not her? Or will that be different because it's 'her' child?

To be honest you both sound a bit immature.

You have a son. He's 8. You can't just leave him and he'll forget like you could if he was a baby. You are his father please don't pick this woman over him. She has no right to ask that of you.

What I was trying to say is she isn't jealous of your child. She is jealous you have a child with someone else.

You having a baby with this woman would be a nightmare for your son I think. How very sad. :(

Run for the hills, and for god's sake don't get this dreadful woman pregnant. Unless she has a massive transformation she will be an awful awful mother, and is already an awful step-mother in waiting to your poor son.

if my partner put me before his son i wouldn't want him ! it would not show me the kind of man i would want to spend my life with

Agree with others. This will only get worse if you have a baby together. She wants you to be a little family together and you having a son already spoils her plans. She sounds incredibly immature. Put your son first and get out of this relationship. I don't think she will change.

I bet she'd be fine if you had a child together, she hates the fact you have a child with someone else.

Some people are just not cut out for being second place or even playing step mum, that's fine but she needs to realise this and leave you and your son alone, your son will pick up on her negativity.

Your poor son. Has his Mum got a new partner? How would you feel if you discovered that she put her DP first? Would you worry for your child's emotional security?
If you have another child with your GF, will she expect your son to take second place ( actually make that third place) after her and her child? If his Mum has another child would you be happy that he takes second place to that child too?
Your son needs to come first before any partner and any person who cannot accept a parent's love for their child is not worthy to be a part of that child's life.

(Getting ready for flaming) she might not be all bad! Maybe just immature? I was in her shoes. I can't say I was jealous of my dsss, but I didn't know where to put myself and felt very on the outside. I dealt with this by always being welcoming to them, wishing my dboyf (as was) a lovely time with his dc and swanning off shopping or seeing my friends. He wanted me to act like a stand-in mummy, but they didn't, I didn't (I was in my 20s and child-free) so he had to suck it up. I said to him that step relationships take years, not weeks, and when we had dc together, we would all be much more in the mood for family things. I was right. I adore my dsss now, we have a great relationship. You need to help her have more in her life than just you. 20 months in, she doesn't need to be seeing your son whenever you are!

My dad had a wife who sounds just like your girlfriend.

Fast forward 20 years, I have no relationship with him and he has no wife either.

As i got older it was incredibly hurtful to find out the extent he had gone to to put her first and keep her happy, all because of her jealousy. Even down to putting in his will that her daughter had 80% of any inheritance and I had the rest.

Even if your son wasn't around, there would always be other reasons for jealousy and it will never go away.

When I met my DH he had a 9 year old son.

Part of the reason I fell in love with him was BECAUSE he was such a devoted dad who always put DSS first. In time of course I was gradually integrated into trips out etc but always at DSSs pace. By the time we moved in together we (DSS and I) were good mates. But they'd still often do things without me. Even when we were living together and later on when we had children together. I actively encouraged that. Especially I had my children. I'd have hated DSS to feel usurped in any way and DH and I always made damn sure that DSS felt secure and utterly wanted and welcomed.

Can you guarantee that your DS feels that and always will?

My DSS is in his mid twenties now. I adore him. DH and I got married a couple of years ago and DSS made a speech that made me cry - about our friendship and the things we used to do (I used to take him out, just me and him when he was younger) and how we'd bonded over certain TV programmes and Playstation games and so on, and that he loved me very much.

It's perfectly possible for your GF and your son to develop a wonderful relationship that could bring so much to all of your lives but only if she's willing to grow up and help it to happen. It just doesn't sound as if she's capable of that. It's a shame but it would be even sadder if you settle - and in so doing, force your son to settle - for anything less. You will end up with a really damaged little boy.

You sound spineless and unable to stand up to her petted lip bleating.
She sounds selfish and manipulative.

Is she a trophy girlfriend? How much younger is a bit?

You need to change your outlook, she's pulling your strings, she has you to herself most of the time.

Agree that all her weepy "guilt" is actually used to guilt YOU. And it works. You end up reassuring her endlessly and are now putting her first most of the time.

Congratulations. She's done a right number on you. You're an utter fool.

She never wants to be in the way of me and my son and in fact sometimes really steps back and 'hides' away so that we can have father-son time together and I really don't like when she does this because she gets sad, resentful, she pulls away from me and her issue is that she feels so guilty about taking my time away from my son and me YET is so jealous that we have time that she gives us. She always says "I shouldn't be here. There's no place for me." It's so confusing

This really is the most poisonous manipulation.

I predict, if you have a child together, you will find your son frozen out as she is all mumzilla with her own child. She sounds pretty immature and selfish to me - not great character traits to inflict on yourself and your child.

She doesn't feel guilty, she is jealous and trying to manipulate you into not seeing your son.

Its working!

She isn't hiding away so that you can have father son time.
She is sulking.

i think her plan is clear, little by little she will make you feel worse and worse about seeing your own son until you will stop seeing him.

She is not that great if she wants to kick your son out of your life, but if you are prepared to accommodate her jealousy, you better cut contact with your son NOW than putting him through the jealousy and tantrums of your GF and the lack of courage of his dad to stop her behaviour.

My ex's partner is like that... As a result, he no longer see his son, they no longer talk, he has practically abandoned him at the request of the girlfriend. But I can assure you that even after all these years of no contact she is still finding ways to make him feel guilty about even loving his child, or so his family tells me.

It is all a tragedy, although DS is much better since he stopped being part of that drama. Hence, I really think that if you are prepared to accommodate such unreasonable requests, you better protect your child by sparing him if such a nasty presence in his life.

OP - a little tale for you.

Many years ago, DH and I met, and got to know, a very nice couple. Mid 30's, very responsible jobs, kind, funny etc etc.
They were devoted to each other. Constant hugs and kisses and loving looks, the works. Aw, how lovely they both are, we told ourselves.
After being friends with them for about a year, the H suddenly one day, out of nowhere, mentions his son from his first marriage, (then aged 8). Wow, we say, goodness me! How funny you've never mentioned him before! Do you see him often?
Ah well, no, not really he replies. You know how it is - X (current wife) wasn't really happy about me seeing him so......well. Don't want to upset her, you know? He's ok, he's fine. He's got his mum. And I still give them money, (said with enormous pride).

We are no longer friends with them - I couldn't believe what a callous, spineless piece of shit he really was, and what a spiteful, manipulative cow she must be.

Ps. As I said, this was some years ago. Mutual acquaintances have informed me recently though that they are no longer together, but that his son, (now an adult), absolutely hates his dad, and will have nothing to do with him. Be very careful here.

This is her problem and only she can resolve it. Does she feel guilty enough to do something about her jealousy, or is her problem yours to fix?

As much as you love her, she sounds immature and if the price for being with her is abandoning or downgrading important relationships, then it's too high.

Possessiveness and jealousy aren't proof of love, only insecurity.

Oh dear. I think she sounds very manipulative. The "guilt" sounds like a sham to me.

She may not be doing this intentionally, it might stem from some subconscious insecurity. but either way, it should be a massive alarm bell.

I think you need to have a serious think about your priorities and how to put your son first.

Say slot about her. But even more about you letting a woman come first. My dh and I had a child each b4 meeting and if he was that spineless to put me b4 his child I wouldn't be with him. He even puts me son b4 me. KIDS COME FIRST!!!! No two ways about it. Live for a child is unconditional always will be!
You sound like you are trying to justify it and deep down u know you are wrong!
You are brain washed by her!!!!!

It's interesting to me that your title is about feeling guilty. She doesn't feel guilty, she is jealous. Telling you she feels guilty is her cover story for her disgraceful behaviour towards you and him.

You need to put your son first and she needs to get the fuck over herself.

Also she knows she being a bitch. She makes u feel like that and keeps you away (she is happy) but then to take the sting of it she sugar coats it saying she feels guilty! Not an ounce of guilt in a girl like that. In her twisted wee mind she feels she is winning. Hushed not jealous of child she hates that he is your child with someone else
When you first held your baby did you think you would drop him like this? No I don't think so.. she doing her job well.. isn't she?