Mr V Mrs: Call the Mediator ~ anyone watching?

[fatnan76]

It's so painful to watch. At least Martin and Victoria's ex both seem to be waving red flags of controlling behavior.

I agree, Derek. I have been through mediation, and my experience was that the mediators were a lot more on the ball than what was shown here.

A few years ago there was another programme about children who had to use contact centres to see their fathers (a quick google suggests "Kids in the Middle" although I'm not completely sure) which was much fairer and more balanced - I still think about those families from time to time.

Thanks Bibliomania.

Would you mind expanding a bit further on your experience of family mediation please? (you don't have to if you don't want to) You don't have to go into great detail or anything, just an overview on how you found the whole process and experience.

My understanding from the programme (though they didn't exactly make this clear) is that you're entitled to three, free, one hour sessions, is that right?

The positive impression I took from the programme is that mediators try to create a neutral, calm and respectful space so that people can negotiate with each other successfully instead of just hurling insults and accusations?

I suppose any process like this can only work if both parties are willing to listen, compromise and meet each other halfway. That you have to leave your ego at the door and try and look at the bigger picture. The programme seemed to set up a winners-or-losers outcome each week, but I think it's a bit more complex than just that because with children involved it's always an ongoing process.

Yvonne me and my husband watched your episode last night before I'd seen this thread. It was quite obvious to me that you had just had enough of living with Alan and were completely beaten by it all. I don't think you came across badly at all. It was clear that there was money squirrelled away on Alan's side that you just couldn't face trying to fight for.

You're the only couple on the programme so far who have quite obviously adored their children and wanted what's best for them rather than using them as weapons. I think in the end that is going to be of much more benefit to them than all the money in the world. I wish you lots of luck

derek, mediation sessions are not free. They are just seen as less expensive and time consuming as taking the matters through the court system.

It is about £300 a session, you can choose to have as many or few as you need. But most people have around three. If it cannot be concluded in that time, and being voluntary, sometimes it's not the best option for everyone, then the court route is next.
I agree, the mediators did not come across well at all in this programme. My mediator was much more clued up about possible outcomes etc, and was able to give more advice without showing any bias, which of course they are not supposed to do. At the end of the day, legal advice and support is still vital when drawing up the consent order.

From my experience of friends I know who have divorced, there is always a bitter outcome.

Very few children have divorced parents who are 100% amicable all the time and who pig their children first above themselves 100% of the time.

Tbh married couples don't eve. Do this. Chooses. Cannot always have what they want end of.
With single parents it is much harder to always put your child first as unfortunately the mundanities of life get in the way.
Things like having to cook and clean rather than play with your child.
Things like having to work extra hours rather than take your child out for the day.
If you are couple one of you can play with the kids whilst the other does the laundry etc. Single parents don't have that luxury.

Sadly amongst my divorced friends( myself included) every one of the dads had been a tit, either refusing to pay maintenance, not habing the kids when they should. Generally preferring to put their own needs first.

No wonder the other parent is totally ficked off.

My own ex h has never ever had my eldest 2 dcs overnight.
The youngest has stayed 3 times in as many years.

tbrough their own choice they had stopped going to see him,

He pays zero maintenance .

Dd1 has said she doesn't want him to attend her wedding.

It is their choice but I'm sure he would tell anyone who would listen that I stopped them from going.

I actually found that a court hearing was the one thing which made my ex listen. Although the judge was disgusted that he did not pay maintenance, he was powerless to do anything.

However my ex did heed his wRning that I should get More of the assets because my ex didn't look after his children,

Oh and the reason he gave our dc for not having them overnight is that it will enable me to go out!!!

He is the one who left.

I disagree only Yvonne and husband were the only couple out of 9 to want what is best for their children and not use them as weapons.

The man whose wife had an affair and left him, he put his 3 adult children first, wanting to keep them in their home, irrelevant they were adult, that was 4 people's lives affected by her greed.

Robina, you suspect there was someone influencing her too, changing her mind from one session to the next, again leaving 3 children, she talked constantly about her own right to happiness and was edited so she never once said anything nice about her children, to leave her children then want their home taken away (by wanting 50% when she is 1 and they are 4) was very hard to watch. Then there was Mandy, abandoned with her son by a man who chose not to see his son because of "chemicals" and inconvenience of work (that was the shittiest excuse, what did he do before he left his son, not see him on work days??????), he talked about fun things he wanted to do like camping (fun dad syndrome, father who doesn't really want to parent, just wants the good bits), whilst Mandy stayed with her son, made sure her son had a home, and now the father was back to demand half the home (which would lead to son losing home and he hadn't paid any mortgage for 6 years either). Those 3 parents for me put their children first, whilst the other 3 parents who'd left their children and wives/husbands had put themselves and their happiness before their children and wives/husbands.

Derek, mediation is not about trying to get couples to meet half way. Sometimes both parents are wrong, eg the one who had sex with the father in her home after being at mediation because she was refusing to let him collect his kids from the same home, sometimes one parent is wrong, eg that man Peter who abandoned his son and wife. Sometimes mediation is about getting the one parent who has done much wrong to fact up to their appalling behaviour and to get them to understand that forcing the wronged parent to take them to court will cost them hugely emotionally and financially.

I've just had one session of mediation with my ex and didn't find it helpful at all. However what it did do is make us realise that we had to talk otherwise it was going to cost a fortune. The first session was £190 and this was an into. If we then too it into mediation it was another £95 each. After that each mediation session was £220 per person and around £300 for the final report. Now my solicitor charges £220 plus Vat. To be honest we would have been better to use a neutral solicitor as at least he could give us legal adviser. Mediators are unable to give any advice. Our mediator after an hour chose not to go into mediation with us so clearly one of us said something that she felt couldn't be resolved without a full financial disclosure. After the session we chatted and got to be step further without spending £400.

I could be wrong, but didn't the government make it compulsory that all couples seeking divorce HAD to attend mediation?
The whole thing came across as pointless to me. High costs per session for very little input . The mediators just seemed to sit, listen, nod a few times, then repeat back what had already been said. Why didn't they just say something along the lines of "do you not think that's a bit unfair, or have you looked at this from your EX's point of view"?
Also, having been the subject of a TV programme, I 100% agree that editing can be cruel and very misleading.

Compared to the average costs of litigation, mediation is small change. You are looking at it as a terribly high price per session, forgetting most couples do no more than 5 sessions, so 1k or less, compared with £250 per hour for 2 lawyers which quickly becomes far more than 1k! My husband refused mediation, he spent 25k trying to sell the family home so he could get 55% of assets and refusing to pay maintenance, compared to me who spent zero in this country defending the right to the family home and asking 60% of assets. In the end, he lost his court case, was 25k out of pocket, was awarded 37% of assets and also ordered to pay maintenance, the maintenance he finally came around the table to mediate. Total mediation cost between both of us was about £500.

Mediation is pointless indeed with one or both sides refusing to listen to reason and entering it with greed or revenge as their motivation. However, a court does not easily give in to greed and never to revenge. It took me 2.5 years to get that man into mediation to get the children some maintenance and the £500 cost was well worth it. The timing and attitude to those entering mediation is crucial.

I live in a country now where it's not obligatory to mediate, where the starting point for care is 50/50 and deviation from it is rare, where few people go to court. It was not always like this, it was like the UK about 20 years ago but when the system shifted to 50/50 care, the parents' attitudes slowly shifted away. The problem with the UK is mainly men's attitude to putting work before looking after their own children and the lousy and patching 8-18.00 child care available in the UK preventing many mothers going to work and leaving them the weaker partner and still the majority carers.

Derek, sorry, just saw your question. My experience is not that we got to a mutually acceptable outcome, and more that the mediators stopped my (emotionally abusive) ex from steamrollering me.

There have been a couple of times when exH pushed for mediation and the mediators said no, we weren't suitable for it - it was dealt with by the court, which I think was appropriate. One one occasion, we did have 3-4 sessions. Because exH was so difficult, we had two mediators in the room, one male and one female, and they would stop exH from making his endless speeches about my awfulness and they got us to a place where we could make a few mutual undertakings related to how we treated dd.

Mediation was never really going to fix our situation, but thanks to clued-up mediators, it wasn't negative. If anything, they validated my experience of him as someone who was utterly impossible to negotiate with (not that they said this out loud - the looks on their faces as he went into one of his usual rants where he made all sorts of demands was confirmation enough).

In England mediation is only compulsory if you end up going to court. Otherwise you can divorce without mediation. Diy divorces certainly don't require mediation.

If you are earning a salary mediation can be expensive. 5 sessions at £440 plus £300 for final report which isn't legally binding. If you are on benefits then the cost is obviously lower or may be free.

I found the mediator just repeated what we both said and didn't offer any advice or options. So stalemate.

Court is however in most cases far more expensive than mediation. Those on benefits don't get legal aid any more for court, though lower income people get means tested court fees at least, but nothing towards legal representation. DV provable victims are drawn into the legal aid system and if they have assets, they are kicked out again, even the family home is an asset and if you have a mortgage, then no legal aid, you have to be provable DV AND basically rent and own nothing of any value to get legal aid. For some in this situation, mediation might be preferable to self representing in court. I've got experience of both. 15 court appearances brought against me, 2 countries, the final mediation sessions which were done by email and not in person were far less emotionally hurtful and only came about due to the other side losing in court, I self represented in court, it is bloody hard, against someone with a lawyer. DV husband with record, no legal aid, the mediation finally worked.

Mediation only works when both sides want it to work, that is its major downside, when one doesn't want t to listen, court is the only option.

Perhaps someone here can help me. I enjoy this show, but I am confused as to when it airs. I am not in the UK (in the US rather) and watch it via a VPN and iPlayer. It appears to me that only 3 episodes have aired and I cannot figure out when the next episode is airing on BBC in the UK. If anyone can help, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you!

Hosier there were only 3 episodes. 9 couples agreed to do the filming which was split into those 3.
I'm glad there's no more as it was all wrong.

Thanks to all who changed their views on me and made this thread change from bitching to an adult discussion.

Thanks to all the kind words.