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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating: How do you feel now?

54 replies

CottonGrass · 21/06/2016 17:34

To those who have been cheated on and forgiven their parnter, how long ago was it and how do you feel now?

OP posts:
BlackPeony · 21/06/2016 18:02

Help cottongrass, I hope you're ok.

4 months in here. It's just starting to get better, in that I'm no longer constantly obsessing. Got a long way to go though.

BlackPeony · 21/06/2016 18:03

Sorry, that should be 'hello' not 'help'

LineyReborn · 21/06/2016 18:05

I forgave him once. He did it again.

How do I feel? Who cares. It's my DCs who have a knob for a father.

starburst1979 · 21/06/2016 18:08

about 3yrs down the line..good days and bad, still have insecurities but actually on the whole ok. I'm not the same person I was then, I'm stronger now, it actually made me find my bollocks. I chose to forgive and work on my marriage but demanded honesty etc. He knows the first inkling I had that a rabbit was off I'd be off.

everyone is different and there is no time limit on how long it takes to get better. if 5 months or 5 years down the line you decide that it's too much to move on from then that's fine too Flowers

EyefulTower · 21/06/2016 19:19

6 months. I don't know about forgiven tbh, but we are still together. He has done everything I have asked to make me feel secure in our relationship again, including signing the family house/mortgage over to my sole name. I still don't feel secure yet, and I don't know if I ever will. I will certainly never be 100% sure of his faithfulness ever again. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm sad. It's getting better all the time though.

What about you CottonGrass?

yorkstonepatio · 21/06/2016 21:48

4 years on here.

It gets harder with time. The first 18 months were great, we talked, connected, I felt very loved. My true feelings hit much later when the sense of relief that the horror was over wore off.

I feel like I have a hole in my chest pretty much all the time. I guess I must love him at some level, but not as my partner.

I can't say 'I love you' without it being forced. I sleep with him, but it's just a physical thing. There is no emotion there.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, but it is a possible reality of staying.

Tabsicle · 21/06/2016 21:53

Four years on. Genuinely doesn't bother me now, but a lot has changed in our lives. I took it as a symptom and not a cause. Sorted a lot out. Started again. Had nine months apart which I think helped so we could have a proper break.

BarbaraRoberts · 21/06/2016 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyJanuary · 21/06/2016 23:05

I struggled on for five months before telling him to go. Five months of checking his phone and car mileage, asking him to send photos of his hotel room and other madness. I knew I'd never be properly happy again. My sister is three years down the line and still does all of those things, worrying herself sick every time her DH goes away on business. I applaud anyone who is genuinely able to put it behind them and not spend every day worrying that it will happen again.

BonneMaman77 · 21/06/2016 23:11

I forgave him twice. But 2 years down the line the constant need for checking didn't stop. I realised I will never ever forget and we will never be the same. So I left.

I am so much happier now and feel like the person I was before. This is priceless, the peace of mind.

janaus · 21/06/2016 23:25

11 months on now. It still feels like yesterday.

Yorkstone, you put it perfectly.

We are together, but not together. We go out for dinner, have nice family times with our adult children and grandchildren. Been on lovely holiday. He is very caring, more than he ever was. Done all the right things.
I don't check things anymore. I trust him.

But I have a hole in my heart. I have distanced myself from him emotionally.

Today I put my dear 90 year old father to rest. H has been there for me, supporting. But I don't actually want him there.
The feeling of betrayal is too great. He not only betrayed me, but my family, and my father, who was living with us at the time.

I guess we will go on like this forever, I can't see myself ever forgiving or forgetting and move on.

janaus · 21/06/2016 23:27

Barbara, I'm with you on that. It is like Grief. Counsellor told me that is normal. Now I have a double whammy.

whattodowiththepoo · 22/06/2016 03:58

3 years, feels like a lifetime a go we are both completely different people.

BarbaraRoberts · 22/06/2016 05:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UptheAnty · 22/06/2016 06:58

2 years for is.
We were separated at the time, our relationship was on the skids , I didn't see any alternative but divorce...
But then it's like the seriousness of it all shocked us awake.
He's turned himself inside out to prove his love to me since. Our relationship is nothing like it was, it's so much more communicative , mature.
I would say I trust fully.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

How do you feel op?

Icequeen01 · 22/06/2016 07:59

29 years for me! Took me about 10 years if I'm honest to truly get over it. It was torture at first and I honestly didn't think I would get through it. We had only been married for 2 years and it was someone he worked with. Found out the day we came back from holiday and her DP was in the doorstep,waiting to speak to my DH. My world just imploded. I was also dealing with my mum as my dad had left her following an affair with her best friend. My mum and dad had been married for 26 years and my mum was in pieces.

I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me and I can count on one hand the people I have told all these years later. DH and I have been together since we were 16 and the bond was still very strong between us. It took huge amounts of effort in both our parts and we did go to counselling which helped. We made it through and went on to have DC. We celebrated our 31st Wedding anniversary earlier in the year and I can honestly say I hardly ever think about it now. He has never been unfaithful since and we have a very strong marriage and doubt anyone would take the old bugger off my hands now!

Scornedwoman67 · 22/06/2016 08:44

Eight years for me - I then met someone else & let the relationship develop very slowly. Thought I was doing everything right. Then he did it to me as well. I've given up on men. I now look after my self & my DC and trust nobody.

aLeafFalls · 22/06/2016 08:49

I forgave. It was, as you know, incredibly difficult and painful. I really put myself through it.

Then 10 years later he did it again.

I would never encourage a cheated on spouse to stay. He showed me who he was and I chose not to believe him.

loobyloo1234 · 22/06/2016 08:53

Is OP just after a story here? Another post and run ... Hmm

Fintress · 22/06/2016 08:54

Forgave him twice, the third time I kicked him out and divorced him. He made me wait 2 years before it was finalised. Only a threat of court made him agree to it. He moved in with the woman he cheated with. A few months ago he emailed me with a pic of me taken on honeymoon and went on to say he had split with the female in question. Not sure what he was expecting me to say. I've moved on with my life, I refrained from replying with a pic of me and my husband on our honeymoon.

Emptynestx2 · 22/06/2016 09:13

Six months for me, we're still trying to make it work but it's hard to trust him again and to get rid of the feeling that I wasn't good enough after being married for 22 years. I hope we will be ok.

Marquand · 22/06/2016 10:20

2 months for me.

I don't know how I feel, really. I'm dealing with a rough pregnancy (now 33 weeks) and DD (6) and DS (3) and work that is rough, and having moved house in Feb, and and and.

I'm over the initial shock, and I am not giving it much head space at the moment. I just want to survive until I go onto maternity leave on 22 July (6 days before the planned C-section). I think maternity leave will be a time to reflect about a lot of things.

I know I won't be able to cope with parenting 3 kids under 7 on my own, so for now we are together.

Burgerandchips · 22/06/2016 10:47

I tried to make it work but it didn't. It just became ping pong of what each other had done wrong in the relationship. I brought it up all the time because I was still hurt and he just wanted me to get over it as to him it didn't mean anything to him. I loved him so much even after he cheated but I realised love is not enough and mental Peace of mind is most important.

Razorlightnight · 22/06/2016 11:52

Six months ago I found out my partner had been sexting a stranger. The sexting had stopped 2 months prior to my finding out.

We're still together. I don't feel the same as I did before (content, carefree .. incredibly lucky). Everything seems to lead back to the fact that he was able to decieve and lie to me without me having any inkling. We were incredibly close (in my eyes at least) before hand. My best mate, no rows, spent most of our free time together. It's tough to take that he chose not to talk to me/that he chose to sext someone else. It's hard to believe it was a one off and that he'll never do it again. Feels as though our past, present and future is tainted by this.

1stDayOfSummer · 22/06/2016 12:28

My first ever partner cheated on me, basically he was in a relationship with me and the other person, I only found out when she called me demanding an explanation to why I had called his phone (sorry for going off subject) for months I thought that it was my fault.

If you forgive a man to cheat that's just telling him it's ok to cheat and he will probably go out and do it again, and the most horrible thing is a lot of men haven't got a reason for cheating they just do it.