Cheating: How do you feel now?

[CottonGrass]

To those who have been cheated on and forgiven their parnter, how long ago was it and how do you feel now?

i stayed with my ex for 10 years after he cheated on me the first time..... i wish i had the strength to end it then however i had just bought a house with him and recently had a baby and just couldnt do it.

it took me over 5 years to "get over it", cbt and anti depressants. in fact at that point i no longer cared, it had consumed me and i no longer felt love for him.

it took me another 5 years to finally realise i was worth more. i would never accept that treatment again! i actually dont think i am over it, i am over him but the insecurity and trust issues have affected other areas of my life and left me with anxiety issues.

Razor, that's just how I feel. Hope you're ok.

Barbara, I feel better than I did 2 months ago, hopefully your pain will get less too. My worry is whether it's less because I care less than I did. Have you had any counselling? X

Sorry you all are suffering/have suffered.

I don't know what the solution is. If I left I'd still not have the relationship I thought I had and, ultimately, that's the one I want. I can't imagine fully trusting a partner again whoever it was.

barbara Feel free to shout if you need to let off steam. Don't have to deal with this on your own.

For all those saying you feel like you have a hole in your chest, you still think about it, life will never be the same, can never fully trust again etc. Why are you staying?

Genuine question, and yes I have been cheated on in the past.

for you all.

Scared I'll regret leaving more than I'll regret staying.

I left someone in 2010 - completely turned my life upside down. Was lonely for 2 years, living in a flatshare with no spare money. Spent Easter and Christmas times only talking to the cashiers in Tesco. Lying when I came back to work about what I'd been up to at the weekend. Avoiding friends who I felt were inviting me places out of pity. Sounds melodramatic maybe but it was rubbish. More rubbish than giving another chance to 'the love of my life' I guess

It's been nearly 3 years. I will never forget and I will never forgive. We are still together but only for my own selfish reasons of I like being a stay at home mum and the financial security. I'm happy on my terms and he hasn't done it since but I am honestly just playing the long game I don't love him how I did, I don't trust him at all but I don't care anymore if that makes sense.

Barbara.. Counselling does help. Just telling someone, you feel a weight off your shoulders, and you feel OK to cry. I also cannot tell anyone in R L.

I have stayed. I think if I we had separated I would still have the emptiness. And be bitter

Gosh if only they had thought before acting in such a selfish way so many lives would be so much happier!

Mine said he only did it for an ego boost - like I said I just feel I wasn't good enough, kids both left home, just hit 50 and living abroad because of his job, I've never felt so helpless in my life. I'm a bit stronger now.

Barbara, I would look into counselling, keeping it all side can't be good for you. Feel free to vent on here or pm if you need to get it out there. X

My husband had what I call an affair 8 months ago. It was only flirting and one snog but it still hurts. He doesn't call it an affair and we rarely talk about it (or anything) any more. It's not the first time he's done it - although there was a nine year gap since the previous occasion, and nine years of me not trusting him, which he says is what pushed him into the "affair". This is the third time he's done this... that I know of. We've been together for 20 years since we were 14.

1st time, we were 18, just as mobile phones caught on. He flirted with this friend of a friend and took her to the cinema/dates "just as friends". Again, one snog. I knew something had gone on but he denied it for 4 years until a friend of mine met one of her friends by pure chance and I got an abusing answerphone message and he had to confess. I don't care that much about the snog but the 4 years of being made to feel like I was crazy still hurts.

2nd time he found someone on the internet to have a one-night-stand with 3 days before our wedding. He met her in the woods when he was supposed to be getting his suit fitted and they had sexual contact and a snog but he ran off at the last minute (so he says... I mean, how the hell would I know) and he confessed to that incident of his own initiative two weeks after we were married. I was upset because he had he told met at the time I could have made an informed decision whether or not to marry him. I probably would have still but it's nice to have the choice. Our two boys were born in the years that passed.

And now the 3rd time. This woman at work pursued him and told him she wanted an affair. He took her to lunch/drinks and they had a snog. He claims it wasn't what he wanted and that it really didn't mean anything. Yet I'm hurt because we were having problems at the time (still are) and he sent me a bitchy email after the snog but before I knew about it that said that I'm ruining our marriage with my suspicion. Talk about two-faced! And he only confessed because her husband found out first and threatened him. I was very angry and I still am. I'm scared by my anger. I love him but a part of me hates him for this. I know it's not all his fault but this sort of thing really doesn't help. When he told me I totally lost it and punched him several times. I know that's terrible. I was so angry that had we been in the kitchen I think I may have stabbed him. I know that sounds so terrible but I just don't know how to deal with these feelings any more.

There have been interim things too like sexting and downloading dating apps on his phone. When we were students years ago he arranged to meet an escort while I was at work. I checked his email you see. He said it was for research into his criminology degree (don't laugh) and I don't THINK he slept with any but there's an element of doubt, you know. He took a couple of random train journeys on those days but now denies any of that happened, says I sound crazy and I can't say for sure whether I am or not because it was 13 years ago. I married him in spite of all of that so I guess I have no right to keep thinking about it.

Sorry OP I've hijacked your post. I've never posted on Mumsnet before. The fact that I'm asking strangers for help is a bit pathetic really. I don't have any real friends and no one knows about any of this, apart from my DHs sister who knows about the recent incident. We did try counselling but the counselor was so horrified by my anger that it ended up being all about how I need help. I was hoping someone would say to my DH that he's been a prat, but the sessions just convinced my DH that I'm a cow and that the incidents were no big deal and that I'm the one with the problem. He's hated me more and more since the sessions. I think he's trying to drive me away. He won't talk to me about the affair and has said that I should be over it by now. I'd like to be.

Leaving him isn't really an option. He's a pretty good guy and we have a nice set up here. The kids are happy. Not only that but I don't want to see him with anyone else. I couldn't bear it. So I tell myself that if I am going to stay that I have to make the best of it. But it's so hard. I'm suffering from some pretty significant anxiety at the moment and my self-worth is at rock bottom. I just wish I has a girlfriend to lean on.

Someone, please, give me some advice.

kimmie, all I can say is 'open your eyes'. It will hurt like hell but open them anyway.

I know it's not all his fault but this sort of thing really doesn't help

Of course it's his fault that he is a cheating snake

The only advice you need is to cut him loose. He is a pisstaker and you sound like a doormat. He is not going to stop.

The affair started fifteen months ago, ended about a year ago. Allegedly an emotional affair but how am I meant to know. Found out in September when very pregnant. Had all been around the time we were getting engaged, planning our third baby, going to early scans etc. Exciting times. Fell apart when I first found out. Some efforts to put things right. A bit of counselling my email but fizzled out. Got to the point when I had to park it and get on with having the baby. All came out against about four months post partum and getting better again slowly. But yes it feels like a bereavement and will never be the same again. The shine has gone. He makes the right noises but all the chats, counselling etc are driven by me which feels crap. I am sticking it out for now while the children are small, he is a good parent to them and we work well together in a practical sense. No longer necessarily see us as together forever. Feel like I have a gaping wound if I think about it too much, especially the cosy intimate massages they sent each other still makes me feel sick.

Oh and I am the same that no one knows in real life, so everyone else thinks he is just great. Not sure if telling would help or not. Though telling his mum is very tempting when she looks all disappointed at me for not doing his ironing...

kimmiebay

You are worth so much more than this cheating philanderer Please post that in a new thread. You will be overwhelmed with support and advice I am sure

Bloody hell Kimmiebay! He looked up prostitutes and downloaded dating apps and had unexplained train journeys at the time but it wasn't connected (then why couldn't he explain them). He found someone to hook up with just before your wedding and snogged an fondled them and then just 'ran away'! No he fucking didn't!! He shagged her, he shagged the prostitutes. And several times you caught him out having an affair and both times he says it was one snog! 1 snog, and both times he got caught after that 1 snog? Bollocks. If you've got caught out that many times, you've been at it fucking constantly. One snog, my arse! I hope you are getting regular sexual health checks. Not only is he convincing you you're crazy, he might be passing some serious STDs onto you - he is cheating, and there's no telling if he's using condoms or not. Big hugs to you. x

Your ability to fool yourself is really shocking, kimmie

That's some denial you have going on there

I'm sorry but there is no point in being nasty to Kimmie, she obviously posted here because she's feeling very alone and needs some support. Kimmie, if you think you're better with him than on your own then only you can make that decision, all I would say is you are still young, you have a good chance to try on your own. Have a think how you'd feel if he does it again when you're 10 years older or 20 years older, it gets harder. What would you say to a friend who told you the same story?

Fifteen years.

Day to day, I don't think about it at all. It's a scar, and always will be, but no more.

My dh had an affair with someone I had called a friend. We had lots of mutual friends, and our children were friends. In the immediate aftermath it was very difficult to deal with all the facets of betrayal. He cut contact immediately, and we still have the principle that I can look at his emails, phone, whatever, and he doesn't password protect things from me. He gave up the right to that privacy, and to be fair, he gave it up willingly.

It took about 6 months for the constant aching pain in my chest to go, and about a year before it wasn't the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

After about 5 years I felt reasonably confident. Other things in our lives had changed, and that helped too. I started working full time again (had been a SAHM), dh travelled less for work ( which helped in lots of ways), and we were enjoying being married again.

Now, I would say my main source of ongoing grief is the lost friendships. I lost contact with the woman I had thought was my friend, and I still miss her, or who I thought she was. Our many mutual friends mostly didn't choose between us; they see us and them, just not together.

But now our children are grown up, I miss her kids' weddings, big events in their lives that I hear about third hand. I regret that my children lost those friendships too. I also hate that our mutual friends know so much of what happened. I would prefer that our problems had been private, but that wasn't possible.

A few times I have been at an event where the OW was there too. We usually say hello and move on. Once or twice I have asked how she is, how the children are doing. I know we will never have any more than that, and I miss her.

I didn't tell my parents about the affair. At the time that was hard, but now I'm glad. I wouldn't want to feel that they were thinking about it whenever we visit.

I'm glad I stayed. We have a good marriage, in many ways better than it was, but there will always be regrets and niggles.