Why am I always so angry with DH?

[BusyCee]

We have x3 DCs 5 and under. We've been together about 9yrs, married for 18months. DC3 is 9mo, so we are in the eye of the storm, I know that.

But I'm so angry with him, all the time. It's often totally irrational - in that I can't say what I'd like him to do differently, or what I would have done in his place. In fact I often know that I'm being unreasonable. It's almost as though he's become a scapegoat for my frustration and anger in general. I feel that I'm almost looking for reasons to be pissed off with him.

He was away this weekend. I was pleased for him that he was doing his hobby, as I genuinely feel it's important. I did ok with the children (despite some extreme sleep deprivation at the moment) and overall I enjoyed the weekend. But I did miss him and I was looking forward to him coming home. Within 20mins of him being home we'd had a spat (nothing serious, about the tv) and I was short with him and unwelcoming all evening. I had yet another horrific night of disrupted sleep so was (reasonably) short in the morning....but I feel that this is knowing away at us and that I'm responsible for it. I just don't know why I behave like this or how I can stop it and just be bloody nice for a change.

Does anyone else have this? Is it just me being a bitch?

Anyone who has given up their career, to raise the children, should absolutely have access to all funds! What kind of guy would expect anything else?

My DH and I split all our bills down the middle. But he earns less than me....and if he is short, I have no problem giving him some money. I would hate to think that I was comfortable and that he was struggling.
the only reason we don't have a joint account, is because he is a bloody spender and really buys a lot of crap

Re the kids, the thing is, nobody warns you about what sheer hard work it is, getting a human being from birth to adulthood. But how could they? Can you imagine announcing your pregnancy, and someone saying "Ha, you're fucked! You're going to get stretch marks, saggy boobs, your old life will seem like a distant memory, you'll get no sleep and no free time, ha ha ha". Of course not, they just say "Congratulations!"

But you're right, you are in the eye of the storm. It DOES get easier. My two are now 18 and 19, and I can honestly say that I have raised two wonderful people and I feel truly proud. You will get there! In the meantime, could you afford to have day off every now and then and pay for childcare. That might really boost your mood.

Sorry re-read and that sounded a little salesy! It really does help me keep a level head and be able to separate the minor irritations from the things that just straight up piss me off. Sounds like the OP has an awful lot of issues to sort through though, just thought it might help with the feelings of being irrational.

AnotherEmma. It is totally my problem in that it doesn't come naturally to shout for what I want. It also didn''t help that when I was in the middle of that stage with babies about 8 years ago I couldn't see clearly what was fair and right and what wasn't. It's all starting to become clear now - I've seen people write on here about "the scales falling from their eyes" and it is happening to me now - I can see all the inequalities I had to deal with at work and when I had babies. Partly because of age and perspective and partly because the world is moving on.

I think it's quite natural for a lot of women to be angry about their situation!

Totally agree with you! Women don't need pills, they need equality!

Definitely

See this is where the confusion lies and the different interpretations.
Huskylover1 you do the same as we do and yet you argue that my situation is abusive? You hold the major part of your finances and give to dh when he's short as does my dh. He doesn't question a request I make.
Re the car because it's for me it didn't feel right to ask dh and that's probably more my fault than his as is my reluctance to ask for a sub when I'm short. He did tell me about the car he was buying and it seemed to make sense to get a bigger more powerful car for us to go on family holidays etc Again it was probably more me but I didn't ask how much it was until after as its not my money, but I was slightly horrified at how much it was set 50k as I never thought it would be that much as I not much of a car expert.
Having said that there is an element of control as it would not matter what I thought he'd still go ahead. He knew I didn't approve of getting a new tele which was double the size of our perfectly good one. He went and got it anyway sneakily and then protested that he watches more sport and I didn't understand why it was better. I was mad that day, I guess he's naturally a big spender whereas I like to watch my money and plan for the unknowns.
He can be controlling and ignore my viewpoints in other ways too so I guess I've answered my point that you do have a point huskylover.

I can't contemplate how a couple who are intending on a long term future together can keep their finances separate. Surely it creates so much scope for resentment, whichever partner is earning more? And especially so if one partner can't earn because they have responsibility for the childcare.

OP, i really think you are 100% justified to make the following demands:

1. Absolute financial parity, meaning a joint account for all the money (perhaps with separate accounts into which equal amounts of "pocket money" go every month) and discussion of all purchases above whatever is expensive for you (it may be £100, it may be £500, depends on your joint income).

1. Regular scheduled time off for you - e.g. one evening a week, 6 pm to midnight where you get out of the house for yourself to see friends or just sit under the bush and listen to the birds.

1. Concrete actions to improve your sleep deprivation. The only excuse for your husband not to do nights is if you are breastfeeding. If you are not breastfeeding, then he should be doing at least 1/3 of them. It does not matter that he works outside the house. Plenty of women breastfeed in the night and work and they somehow manage not to crash the economy. Demand nights off and get away during this time, to the basement, to the attic, to the tent in the garden, with massive earplugs, just do you don't hear anything. If you are breastfeeding, time for sleep can be found in the evenings and weekends or perhaps it's time to think about night bottles.

Don't feel "selfish". It's not selfish to demand these things. You are a human, with rights and dignity. It is also the only way to give meaning to the word "love" in your marriage. Plus your husband will definitely become a better father, have a better relationship with his children in the long-time if he pulls his finger out now.

All this stuff that your friend told you about "perspective" is bullshit. Your husband has a brain. Whatever his experience, he can certainly move a few grey cells around to try to see what things look like from your perspective. It's called "empathy" and it's a basic skill that anybody in a relationship should have.

Don't ask, don't pussyfoot. Demand. It's his choice: pulling his finger out or a tired, angry, depressed wife, unhappy home and possibly divorce. His family is his responsibility too.