Why am I always so angry with DH?

[BusyCee]

We have x3 DCs 5 and under. We've been together about 9yrs, married for 18months. DC3 is 9mo, so we are in the eye of the storm, I know that.

But I'm so angry with him, all the time. It's often totally irrational - in that I can't say what I'd like him to do differently, or what I would have done in his place. In fact I often know that I'm being unreasonable. It's almost as though he's become a scapegoat for my frustration and anger in general. I feel that I'm almost looking for reasons to be pissed off with him.

He was away this weekend. I was pleased for him that he was doing his hobby, as I genuinely feel it's important. I did ok with the children (despite some extreme sleep deprivation at the moment) and overall I enjoyed the weekend. But I did miss him and I was looking forward to him coming home. Within 20mins of him being home we'd had a spat (nothing serious, about the tv) and I was short with him and unwelcoming all evening. I had yet another horrific night of disrupted sleep so was (reasonably) short in the morning....but I feel that this is knowing away at us and that I'm responsible for it. I just don't know why I behave like this or how I can stop it and just be bloody nice for a change.

Does anyone else have this? Is it just me being a bitch?

Might add some of the reasons it didn't overcome the nugget of resentment where that he would play with the kids while I was gone but leave the wife work piling up for when I returned which as you probably understand pretty much doubles your normal workload because if you don't keep up with the tidying the cleaning is delayed and things get dirtier etc.

I am about a million times happier now that we live separately because when he has the kids they mess up his house and he has to clean it up if he wants it clean. My house stays as I leave it.

His paranoia about me 'taking his children' has resulted in him spending a great deal more time with them than he did before too.

Now I have finished my degree I will likely be able to work.

Busycee, I could have written that.

I was just in the middle of typing a long reply when DD2 (8) came downstairs crying, having had a really bad day at school with a lot of arguing and meanness going on between the girls. And that is when I know that nothing else really matters - DH is in France on holiday with mates but I would far far rather be here to listen to her when she she needs me to be, and I have always felt like that.

I think my problem was that I had no clue about how life would be with children so I couldn't properly plan how we should divide up the labour, we just fell in to the roles that society has always dictated and I would have liked to have had more control over it all. Maybe we would have ended up with him working and me at home, but at least I would have chosen it and accepted it! But it would be nice to think that we could have agreed up front to both take equal responsibility for the child rearing.

The big difference between your situation and mine is that we share all money - everything goes into one account and we both spend what we like (we are both quite frugal and on the same wavelength about spending, fortunately). Throughout our marriage I have always managed the finances and it is one thing that has given me some feeling of control when I stopped work for the children.

By the way, how the hell do you manage to earn £500 a month with 3 under 5s??

Oh and I meant to say that I failed to ever have a reasonable conversation about this, he could never understand, he could only see that he "worked really hard too". But basically the one at home (usually mother) gets no thanks, no kudos, no money, no intellectual stimulation, little social interaction and often gives up future earning potential. But you should probably try to have a conversation about this at a neutral time when you are feeling calm - if you can find such a thing.

I have 3 kids too. The times I was most resentful and most angry with my husband were ALL times when I was at home full time (on maternity leave). Not just because of sleep deprivation, but because I was frustrated at being the default parent, the default cleaner, the default everything. That's why my maternity leaves only lasted 4-5 months.

Everything changes when you get out of the house during the day and contract some of the wifework out to someone else.

I have never discussed the sharing of the wifeworkload with DH. He just doesn't get it. He probably never will. It's easier to pay someone to come in and do it. Use the money you earn at work to pay someone who 'gets it' (likely, a female) and feel your happiness come back.

(WHY won't this bloody baby sleep?!)

Ok. Thanks again for your replies. I think he is a bit selfish and greedy. But I also think there's a heavy dose of normal here. I feel reassured that I'm not barmy.

I AM going to try to work a bit more. And to retain my sense of perspective pls say if you have any

And I'm going to order a copy of wife work...

Yes, and make your own arrangements like you said. Just treat them as fait accompli. Like, DH, you're making dinner tonight because I'll be out from 6pm with [whoever]. Or, DH, I'm off to the gym, I'll be back in an hour!
Basically, just act like he does. Be selfish. A big hand won't come down from the sky and smite you, I promise.

He's become a scapegoat for my frustration and anger in general

We always target those closest to us when we're feeling unhappy with ourselves.

It's probably you, not him, actually. So try to be kind.

Yeah...OP it's the money thing. It's very odd. I understand your wanting to keep your inheritance...but you possibly need to be investing that properly...get a pension!

And his earnings need to be shared. You need something too.

I do think sleep deprivation plays a huge part in your ability to manage your emotional state, and it's really hard to see how much of a part it's playing until you're out of it.

My kids have only started sleeping through in the last six months and I've been truly shocked by how much less angry I feel about everything, and how much more easily I'm able to handle annoyances and deal with imbalances in the sharing of the workload.

This is not to suggest that you're wrong about your husband not pulling his weight. It sounds like he's not doing his share. But I think sleep deprivation will definitely make you feel a lot more irritated by even minor points of imbalance, and less able to handle talking about it reasonably.

For ages I thought that having children had turned me into a complete bitch. Now I realise that even though I thought I was managing well enough at the time (because I didn't really feel physically tired), I was on an emotional knife-edge.

If you can find a way to get more sleep –even if it takes drastic steps – I strongly encourage you to do it. You should make it clear to your husband that it's necessary for your mental well-being and will make a big difference to his life too.

I think my problem was that I had no clue about how life would be with children so I couldn't properly plan how we should divide up the labour,

Yep. I sailed into my first baby with my husband, blithely assuming that everything would be great and that we'd share parenting difficulties equally. I didn't bother to have that conversation. I felt as though I'd been hit sideways by a bus.

I went onto serious baby blues, a downward spiral in our marriage, yada yada. He somehow convinced me to have baby number 2 because he loves kids so much, and I managed better (and loved the bones of that baby, just like baby number 1) but it was the same situation replayed.

In any case, the most frustrating thing is that even now, years later (my kids are now 10 and 13 and I generally have my freedom back again)- he can't admit that he left the lions share of it all to me.

I feel literally murderous when he waxes about the sleepless nights with our friends who have 2 small children now.

What is this "his money" business?

You are a couple. You have children together. You are married.

Money goes into one pot.

Your current set-up sounds financially abusive.

Also, check with a lawyer what claim he has to your inheritance now that you are married. Did he propose to get married around the time that you knew you would be getting this inheritance, by any chance?

I am also confused by the finances.

Is your inheritance a life-changing amount?

Do you have access to 'his'/family money?

It would cost a giant fuckload of money to outsource the care of 3 under-5s. Please bear this in mind as you approach any negotiation.

How have you left it with him?

I think one of the reasons my marriage started to dissolve was my resentment at h's ability to go to work and leave me with the majority if the wife work (which I also did around working 30 hours a week), whilst both of ours were under 6.
H didn't get this at all really.But at the same time I kind of allowed it to become the status quo by not taking ownership of the situation. I wanted h to go out and what have you as I didn't want him to be miserable.But I didn't carve out that same time for myself (and h didn't do it for me, as really why would he-he was fine with his life and didn't see there was an issue). If I did get out a bit I would feel guilty (at not spending the time with the DD's or with h-and he didn't actively dispel that feeling). In retrospect I should have ignored that feeling and just got on with taking a bit of time out when I needed it. It might have helped.
But it's so hard when you are in the middle of it all and just so tired.You can't see the wood for the trees really.
All you can do is talk to him op and tell
Him how you feel and maybe just ensure you take the time for yourself that you need.its essential.

YY you also need to sort out the finances.
The fact you have an inheritance is great but if this is your ensign pot, then it shoould be treated as such. Woouold you ever think about going to dip into your DH pension? I'm pretty sure not.
So that's the sane here.
Forget about the inheritance and look at finances in general and more precisely how much 'disposable' income you both have.

I'm getting the feeling it's not your just free time that is in imbalance there.

Everything is on his terms, you share nothing, what's the point of him, he sounds incredibly self centred.

So, in answer to your opening question, you know why you are angry with him!

Inheritance isn't a life changing amount, and I've had it since before I met him. It's not financial abuse, more selfishness really.

Conkers - you're bang on the money, I think. I just need to be more selfish. I just hate that word. Maybe if I can see it as self care rather than selfishness (as I do for him, tbh). And just be rational not emotional. I need it. It's fair.

I do find it hard to ask for what I want and to fight my corner. But if I'm in it for the long game - and I am - these are the 'for worse' bits, right? If I allow him to be freer, more selfish, apart from us, then he has no reason to think he should change. I need to find my voice. Learn how to be factual not emotional. Stay calm and on my point, not veer off and drag up past problems. Easier said than done when I'm bloody knackered.

And I'm not angel in this. When tired I'm a bitch. I don't have the moral high ground at all here, just the will to make it better....right up until he walks into he walks into the room and then I'm angry again. If I can overcome that I can fix it, right?

"I've tried thinking actively and forward (rather than dwelling on all the shit that's pissed me off in the past. Apple I totally know what you mean about the nugget of resentment. Even at this early stage he's done and said things that I haven't entirely addressed and which sit like a canker)."

Why haven't you addressed these issues? If they are unresolved, why do you think you can just pretend they didn't happen? You can't. You have to address them in order to move forward.

Maybe you need to work on your assertiveness. And you and your husband certainly need to improve your communication if the relationship is going to survive.

The obvious answer is couple's counselling. But would he go? Would he engage with it? Would he actually listen? Would he change any of his behaviour based on what you discuss?

I definitely need to work on my assertiveness. And yes we deffo need to work on our communication. Would he engage in counselling? Yes, I think so. But I don't think we're in a position to do it now (cost; childcare). Any recommendations on books to help with couples communication?

I DO want this to work

Counselling is cheaper than divorce.
Sorry to be blunt, but I think this needs much more than a book.

"Counselling is Cheaper Than Divorce" exactly what I told DH!!! Plus your DH probably CAN afford it, after all you have no idea how much money he actually has to spend, or what he spends on coffees/lunches/beers...

This has been swirling round my head a lot (well, it has been for 10 years really). That marriage is oppression, feminism still has a long way to go in fighting for domestic equality etc etc etc. But I keep thinking, I did want our children, so why should I be angry at looking after them? I think it is because I never wanted to do childcare, it's not something I have a talent for. DH gets to have children, whilst still carrying on doing the thing that he chose and enjoys and has a talent for. And I don't. I didn't choose this, it got dumped on me because of biology and societal norms and I was too stupid to spot what was going to happen. We could have paid someone else to do the childcare but it didn't make financial sense, and I preferred that our children were cared for by a parent. I would happily swap places with dh but it's too late for that now because during the 5 years I looked after the children full time his earning capacity tripled and mine halved.

So I think probably you are angry at the system, and because you are sleep deprived. Your dh could help reduce your anger by doing some of the night shifts and by showing that he understands the position you're in. You could definitely help reduce it by going and doing something that you enjoy and gives you a feeling of achievement, whether that be working a bit or socialising or sport.

I'm sure putting your finances on a joint basis would also help you feel less trapped and therefore less angry. I think this would be really important.

Hope you had a better night's sleep.