Why am I always so angry with DH?

[BusyCee]

We have x3 DCs 5 and under. We've been together about 9yrs, married for 18months. DC3 is 9mo, so we are in the eye of the storm, I know that.

But I'm so angry with him, all the time. It's often totally irrational - in that I can't say what I'd like him to do differently, or what I would have done in his place. In fact I often know that I'm being unreasonable. It's almost as though he's become a scapegoat for my frustration and anger in general. I feel that I'm almost looking for reasons to be pissed off with him.

He was away this weekend. I was pleased for him that he was doing his hobby, as I genuinely feel it's important. I did ok with the children (despite some extreme sleep deprivation at the moment) and overall I enjoyed the weekend. But I did miss him and I was looking forward to him coming home. Within 20mins of him being home we'd had a spat (nothing serious, about the tv) and I was short with him and unwelcoming all evening. I had yet another horrific night of disrupted sleep so was (reasonably) short in the morning....but I feel that this is knowing away at us and that I'm responsible for it. I just don't know why I behave like this or how I can stop it and just be bloody nice for a change.

Does anyone else have this? Is it just me being a bitch?

Self care instead of 'selfish' is exactly right. It would be selfish if you not to try and look after yourself and therefore care take your marriage really if you think about it.
I didn't do this and my marriage dissolved (also for other reasons but this was a big part of the beginning of the end).
You can fix this.but h is also going to need to meet you in the middle somewhere.

The biggest light bulb moment I have had on MN was the poster who told her husband that when he made a decision about going out or doing something on his own, whether it was having a big shit with the paper or a weekend away -or even going to work - he had also decided what she was going to do. She was going to look after the kids. Because someone has to, and if he's not there, that someone is her. Many nonprimary carers don't get how much they are controlling the lives of the poor bloody default carer because they haven't really understood the reality of parental responsibility in terms of hands on care. Of course earning the money is responsible too but it isn't the same. Or perhaps it is - his colleagues would be pretty pissed off if he left them to do his share too. It's just that because you love the kids, you will half kill yourself to keep the show on the road.

Wow Annandale. I had never thought of it that way. It is very very true.

Tootsie & Annandale. Yes! I think maybe this is it. I really struggle to get perspective - because I see my life as being so so changed, and out of my control but his insistence that it's similar for him makes me doubt myself.

And while I do make this CHOICE to spend so much time at home for the family what's right for them isn't necessarily compatible with what's right for me. I think it's THIS that cause me angst and then his refusal to validate my 'sacrifice' )without being too melodramatic) that makes me ANGRY.

I'm also angry at the socio-politico-cultural stuff. YES. I WAS NAIVE AND IM ANGRY WITH MYSELF ABOUT IT. I did not see giving up my career coming. I didn't intend to do so. But the industry I work in is client-led (so you're 'on-call' a lot), male-dominated (so little tolerance or leeway for family matters) and fast-paced, so 5-ish yrs on from my first maternity leave I am now out of touch. It wouldn't be impossible for me to return, but it wouldn't be easy, and because it's not now my first priority I can see it would be a massive ball ache, rather than fulfilling.

And I AM SO DIFFERENT to the person I was. This old trope, I know, but I look different, my habits are different, my wardrobe is different, my brain works differently, the things I used to enjoy I can no longer access. I am CONSUMED by my family and there is very little of the old me left - and in fact when I start to surface again it's almost MORE painful because then I see how far away I am from the person I WAS just 5/6 short years ago.

And I am lonely. I have friends, many of whom are in the same position. But the sheer weight of our combined slight discordance does sometimes undermine my own unhappiness. It becomes 'a thing mothers say' but not my own unique personal truth. I desperately miss my own mothers support. Without her no-one actually listens to me, beyond lip service that yes, mothering is hard and yes, it will pass, and yes, I'll miss these days when they're gone, and yes it's hard on relationships. It's a bit like putting a penny in the slot and hearing a randomised platitude. It's not about me.

I've posted about DH on MN before, and it doesn't take long to get to LTB. And he can be a selfish twat complaining about being tired is only one daily example of this which may or may not result in his death at my hand . But he ISN'T a total twat bye just doesn't 'get it' and haven't been able to adequately get him to see. I suspect some of that is deliberate because - consciously or not - it very much works in his favour to have a wife. But I think I need to draw a correlation between his happiness (and our sex life, which is currently, tragically, a distant memory) and mine.

I've been really thinking about what I actually want from him. He's asked before and I have been able to tell him. To some degree it is about financial and time parity. But more about his acknowledgement of my position I think. I think there is a part of me that thinks he should scatter petals in my path because I made and sustained life at the cost of my own. But in the eye of the storm - where we are now - with tiredness and stress and no time to bond ourselves together, is this reasonable? Is it possible? In real practical terms how does that happen? What, make dinner on Saturday evenings? Maybe we should book in a talking dinner (rather than the functional ones we most often have these days) once a week. Maybe I just need him to really listen to me.

The irony of this is that it all sounds so self indulgent. Me me me. But it's because there is no me me me at the moment. I think. But I can't tell because I'm so fucking fucking bastard tired I don't have any perspective.

Ffs.

Thank you so much for this thread by the way. It has really helped me get a grip, and order my thoughts, and I will use it to make things better with Dh

(Tootsie - I do 8hrs a week with a local business in what is notionally my field, but is actually admin. It gives me two mornings a week out of the house, an income of sorts, and I cling to it as one thing to show on my cv, should the day ever come when someone looks at it again)

Kiwi - I'm re-reading the thread and you make a good point about scapegoating those closest to us. I am going to try to breathe before I speak, and let my Chimp speak first

Can you go away for a weekend to catch up on sleep? Say, two nights at a Premier Inn or something.

I know it isn't a long term solution to your problems and it might seem a waste of money but your immediate problem is tiredness and not remembering who you are.

Imagine just a couple of days not fucking exhausted, to feel like yourself again, to actually be on your own for a few hours going for a wee or a coffee when you want while also having some space to think. Perhaps you'll have perspective and a plan at the end even if the exhaustion will return soon after your return.

Gosh this is me. 3 dcs. Part time work about 20% what dh earns. He pays mortgage but I pay most other bills and am constantly having to watch my money. No shared finances, which has meant any large purchases has just been what he feels like. I used my inheritance savings to replace my car, low value Focus, he bought a car costing a small fortune with barely a second to inform me.
I didn't think finances were an issue between us as its been mainly lack of appreciation and that unwillingness to acknowledge how much I do for the family that's caused me to be at breaking point of marriage. To be fair when I've been short and can't make it to the end of the month and asked him he's never questioned giving me more. We've talked of joint accounts and paying a proportion in each for household bills but it's been when I was on maternity leave and had next to nothing income so it seemed pointless as I didn't have a contribution to make.
But I can see how the situation has caused resentment in me.
We are in counselling but anything I say he ends up making it about him and what I have to do to make it better as I'm the unhappy one. Tbh I've had enough of the whole bloody effort and am just hoping for a way out, but again I feel he holds all the financial strings. I know I would be entitled to a share of the house and maintenance, but I can see him refusing or stringing me along and giving peanuts. His family and mine would support him as they think he's great and I'm a moany tired woman who doesn't know how good she's got it. Rant over. Thanks for listening.

Op, some of what you've said on here rings very true for me and I suspect for a lot of women. There was a thread a while back titled 'Is parenting ever the same for a man as a woman?' or something to that effect, I'll try and dig it out for you as it was really interesting.

I feel the anger too. Great big rushes of it in a way that I never, ever used to. I also hear the platitudes, things will get easier, children are hard etc and tbh they all just feel like they could be summed up with 'just keep your head down and get on with it'.

I'm a SAHM and I absolutely love being at home with my children. I don't have the same financial issues as you as all of our money is joint and we both have equal access to it. I think you need to address this with your dh. For me the issue is housework. I know exactly what I want from dp but find it hard to be specific. I want you to pick up after yourself. When I cook I want you to wash up. I don't want to have to hear my voice nagging you like a teenager. I resent the fact I'm having to find a way to tell him to make the sodding bed when he's the last one in it. Tbh these things were there before we had children, they were just masked by more free time and money so although they were an issue they weren't a problem IYSWIM.

shandybass I think your husband is financially abusive and probably emotionally abusive too.
Financial abuse
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

shandybass how you are being treated is disgusting.

Goodness Emma and random you seem very certain. I hadn't thought of it as financial abuse as he's always willing to give me a sub. As I've always been financially ok I don't feel I should ask him that's my pride really tho as obviously now working part time, particularly SAHM my finances are far less.
Emotional abuse I think rings true. Not sure what's keeping me here, guilt, status quo and finances.

Yes finances because he's abusing you!!!!

You shouldn't have to ask, you should have free access to all money, you should be making joint decisions on purchases. How the f*ck is it okay for him to have a very expensive car whilst you struggle to buy a run around? How much leisure time do you have versus him? Do you not value your role as parent and home maker - you are probably working harder than him!!!

It is likely you will be better off in £ if you split plus you won't be EA anymore either...

Think of your DC how would you feel to see them treated the way you are once they are adults?

Yes I suppos. Does everyone else have equal access to finances? I funk you're right re joint decisions on large purchases, that definitely doesn't happen and I felt bad asking him to buy a car for me and so said I'd use my inheritance, but when he went ahead and bough a car for close to 50k on up I was a bit horrified.
Re leisure time I do insist on my nights off. Mine are more regular whereas he just announced he's out that day or the next weekend so there is a bit of imbalance.
I know you have a point but I'm not sure it's that different to many peoples marriages.

I feel like I'm reading about me and my relationship. I HATE how they can just get up and go out whenever they chose but when you do it's about 2hours later than you planned because they wanna know "how do I do this?" And "how do I do that?" And they always say it's babysitting when they have the kids!! How when it's their own children?!
Me and my partner argue constantly. And I'm angry ALL the time. For so many reasons. And he treats me disgustingly most of the time. My own fault for putting up with it. XxX

Shandybass - I look after the finances in our house, even when I was a SAHM with no income. I had complete access to anything, we discussed budgets, savings etc and I got on with "doing it".

No it's not normal to be piss poor and have to ask for money whilst your H and father of your DC buys a £50k car without mentioning it!!!!

I also do the finances in our house, dp earns all of the money but I do more of the spending so it makes sense for be to do the budgeting. I will never understand couples where one partner earns all/a lot more of the money and the other has to ask because they're short. We both spend more or less what we want but I'd probably discuss a purchase of over £100 with him, and expect him to do the same.

Yes, we have completely joint finances. In my view, if you have a traditional set up with one partner working and the other looking after the children, it is ESSENTIAL.

Busycee our situations are so similar (although I only have 2 children and they are older now). My job also was client-led, male dominated, fast moving - so that I couldn't do it part time - if clients want you, they want you any time 5 days a week! And I lost a lot of market knowledge in 5 years at home. I also did 18 hours a week last year for a local business in my industry, and it also turned out to be admin, and I was absolutely gutted. I gave it up at the end of last year and am doing small amounts of work from home now, but at least I have time to get all my own shit done rather than doing someone else's boring shit and not doing my own!

My DH also isn't a twat, but completely shut down when I tried to have talks about the anger than you described. I think because he just couldn't see what he could do about it, and saw me as having a pretty cushy number. He did not understand the feeling of giving up my freedom and income. I've dealt with it by getting my head down and getting on with everything. Something that has really helped me is getting back into a sport I used to do when I was a teenager. It might sound minor, but it is intellectually absorbing, gives me time out by myself, and a real sense of achievement. Plus I think the endorphins are really good for your mood. It's helped a lot.

Come on here and shout as much as you like, it might help a bit. As for what you want from him - maybe start with the talk about finances. And go from there.

Thanks Tootsie - and I'm glad you've been able to carve out some You too.

I spoke to friend (who works full time, so has an interesting perspective) who made an interesting point. She said she didn't think he could empathise because he has no experience of it. Such a simple thing to say, but so true actually. He just cannot u set stand what I'm saying, because it's a perspective thing.

Anyway. He's trying his best at the moment. We talked - as long as we're able to before dc3 woke up with sore teeth - and I explained a bit about the anger. He is perplexed, asks if I think I'm depressed. I said o don't think so because depression would be a disproportionate response to the situation while I think this entirely proportionate!

I also have just picked up some freelance work this summer. It means some extra childcare, but they're all old enough to go now, and it's only going to be 3days a week. However, it is well paid, so I'll be contributing a bit more - but it's also opened up the topic of the finances. We haven't delved deeply yet, but it's now on the table. Interestingly, the woman I'll be freelancing for is a highly paid, senior level mental health professional, who took a career break while having the children. She, unprompted, told me about a very similar dynamic in her own marriage, and about the impact it had. It was interesting to hear about it from the other side (her children are now young adults and she's re-establishing her career) but also the long term damage its done - insidiously - to their marriage.

You're being the responsible, exhausted parent and he's off having fun. Normal to feel like this.
I get that you don't want to stop him doing his hobby, but I get the feeling from your post that you're taking on a lot of the 'work' even the mental stuff and he isn't.

Also,lack of sleep is a killer and will make your hate him! Have a weekend 'off'. That doesn't mean you need to go anywhere, it means you're switching off completely. He gets up during the night, plans the day, gets the kids fed and dressed, whilst you potter about doing what you want to do. Stay upstairs if you need to and sleep or read a book, whatever. But make the deal beforehand that this weekend you're doing nothing. This means he has to take on all the responsibility. You may find that you like him a bit more by the end of that weekend.

I'd be interested to hear her story in more detail? I can really see how my mum is still so mad about my dad not engaging in anything domestic. He did actually say a few years ago when the DDs were little that seeing me with them he realised how much he'd missed of our childhood.

I feel as if each generation of women has its own battle - to be educated, then to be able to work, and our generation's battle is over the domestic responsibilities. I want to make sure my DDs go into any future relationship with their eyes open about that. But then no doubt there will be other issues to deal with.

PS when you say you will contributing a bit more - have you worked out the value of the work you are doing now? Caring for 3 children under 5 really is a massive contribution to family finances!!

Oh, definitely agree with Ludolooby. You sound like you might be one of those hard working "copers" (I am!). As in, if something needs doing, you get on and do it because why shouldn't you, and it's better than nagging people about it. Which means everyone starts leaving everything to you.

I know one couple and she's always been really clear about having her day for a lie in, or her dh taking the children off for a day because it's "his turn". I didn't like it much, I thought she was being a bit naggy and precious but now their DDs are older I can see how it has worked as her DH is as engaged in all the minutiae of looking after their children and house - he does the dishwasher, gets their bags packed up (and knows what they need), knows what's in the fridge etc etc etc - and they seem to get on very well!

tootsie
I'm glad you've changed your mind now, but why would you think it's "naggy" and "precious" for a woman to be assertive and clear about her expectations for her husband to do his share? That's part of the problem IMO. Women don't always get fair and equal treatment automatically, they have to ASK for it, and often get judged when they do.

I've been where you are and I found a supplement called 5HTP. It's all natural and helps you take a more laidback approach and stop being so uptight (many of us fall into that trap, especially when there's bairns to raise). NOt sure if recommending that's the done thing here, but it really helped (and continues to help) me.