Hi,
Already have this in chat, but thought I stick it in here too.
Been with my gf for over 3 years now. Was in a long term straight relationship before that and I guess I always identified as heterosexual. I found certain women attractive and thought maybe I was bi curious. Then I found my gf and assumed I was bi sexual, whereas now I'm wondering if I'm actually a lesbian.
You might be thinking, does it matter? Why the need for a label? Well in all honesty, I don't know. I just have this uneasy, untidy feeling. That probably sounds odd....
When my gf and I first came out as a couple, I was quite confident and I didn't really care what anyone thought. We were openly affectionate, like any other couple, but as time as gone on, I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable and I'm becoming really angry with myself.
I don't feel safe anymore. I feel like we will be stared at, pointed at, or worse, verbally, or physically attacked . We have dealt with all that, which I know is contributing to my feelings.
We're engaged and I do want to get married, but I'm worried about certain family members reactions.
I never just feel relaxed and at ease when we're in public, or even around family or friends. Even people who have accepted us, I still feel a slight sense of paranoia.
I feel a bit like I'm going backwards. Like I accepted who I was in the beginning, but now I'm having trouble accepting myself. Maybe this is why I have this sudden need to identify myself.
I love my dp so much. She is amazing and I can't imagine my life without her, so what is my problem? Our relationship went from 0-60 very quickly, so maybe this is kind of a processing delay?.. I don't know.
I want to be out and proud, as the title says, so why can't I be?
I should just be enjoying being with the person I love. I want to feel like I used to, but maybe the homophobic abuse we had in the beginning has affected me more than I initially thought.
I need to find the strength to be open and proud of my relationship. Not hide away, feeling on edge of unwanted attention, comments etc.
Sorry for rambling. Really appreciate some advice.
Thanks for reading.