Acceptable or not acceptable ?

[Curtains77]

First time posting - lurked and read a lot and I thought you lovely people might help me get some perspective on what is ok and what is not in a marriage ? Have been married 8 years, together 11 and have two children. We have always had a vola tile relationship . I am an anxious person but until now never a fish wife - type arguing person but we have had humdinger rows over the years. Like - bad. I am a runner - I will run away out of frustration and slam doors , usually to go off and cry and try to calm down. Husband is a confronted, shouted, will not let it go. Occasionally - very occasionally in very bad arguments he has slapped me around the face , slapped me with a pair of trousers, pushed me hard enough and long enough to topple me over ( I am quite sturdy !l ) bear hug me yo stop me stomping off and more recently completely lost it in an argument over the garden and shook me so hard for what felt like ages. I actually have bruises from that one. However - when it's written like that it sounds awful ! I am not a timid person but I am highly strung. I know I wind him up and at times I think I am extremely unreasonable. And yes he has a drinkproblem - dependant not alcoholic. He is a great dad but I worry that, at best , we have lost respect for each other and are exposing the children to unhealthy conflict and at worst, a situation that will not get better. Is there any salvaGE here ? Plenty of people I know regularly admit horrible arguments but what exactly constitutes hopeless and or abnormal? I can't talk to anyone in RL as no one would be unbiased and I am in desperate need of perspective. Sorry for long post and hope I make sense xx

Nope. Sorry, that sounds fucking awful and your poor kids can't escape you. Regardless of whether you're highly strung, he's an alcohol abusing violent bastard and
NOT a great dad.
The combination of both of you sounds toxic and your children deserve better.

Erm, I think his behaviour is far from normal, but you also describe yourself as volatile and high strung, which is not exactly normal either.

Time to book Relate? You both need to learn to control yourselves better before you end up hurting each other.

Ok got you - maybe it's the combinatio. I think I have posted because with the football being on he is out the house so much and I will be honest - we are all calmer and happier when he is not here. It's got me thinking . Thanks for your honesty x

I mean I hate confrontation - hate arguments will always literally run away. I have never ever argued with anyone as much as I argue with him . I have to accept that us together is volatile - not me on my own. But I am an anxious worrying kind of person and I can't work out what came first.

Abnormal. Very very far from acceptable.

I find it odd that you describe your behaviours as if they are equivalently bad.

You: slam doors, walk off, cry alone.

Him: drink to excess, shout at you, hit you, push you, shake you, stop you from leaving a room, leave bruises.

Is this damaging your children? Yes.

Is there anything salvageable? Depends. Does he take full responsibility for his behaviour? Has he sought help? How effectively does he apologise and try to make up for it? What steps has he taken to stop drinking?

I'm not surprised you are highly strung. Living with an increasingly violent alcoholic must be awfully stressful.

Don't book relate. This is a domestically violent relationship. Relate shouldn't see you assuming you disclose the violence and you should never go to counselling with an abusive partner

Ouriana - how do you guys resolve your arguments ? If u don't mind me asking x

Does it matter what came first? Are you wondering if it is your fault he is violent and drinks? Really? And even if it were all your fault he's like his (which is ridiculous of course) well the beat thing to do is still the same. Split up.

curtains what do you argue about so much?

It's not acceptable and also I disagree with those who said it's the combination of the two of you and to book Relate.

Counselling is not advised for abusive relationships. He is abusing you physically and verbally. Possibly in other ways too.

And isn't alcohol dependant and alcoholic the same thing?

You could phone Women's Aid for advice and support. Also go to your GP and tell them what you've told us and get any injuries or recent bruising logged.

Lady stark I did not know that and rabbit - he usually apologises - not always.the shaking thing was because long story short we were trying to lay some turf of all things and were running out of daylight and I was getting a bit tearful after a busy day at work I was tires. Sounds well pathetic bit just fatigue!

X-posts with Run and LadyStark.

It's not you, love. It's him.

So he said he just wanted to shock me out of it - like the slap that time - because I needed pulling together

He wanted to shock you out of being tired and upset so he shook you?
This isn't the movies in the 1940s, assaulting people to shock them out of hysterics is no longer considered ok

He's a fucking abusive bully.

0808 2000 247. Women's aid.

I think you are right, if you are abusing each other Relate might not be for you.

anger management course for the two of you?

We argue about money of course - we have one bank account that everything goes in and out of and we disagree on priorities - I hate how mych he spends in the pub and he how much I spend on food shopping ! We argue a lot about disciplining the children . .. We argue about big things , little things - we do have good times but honestly I just don't know whenough it can change to bad times in blink of an eye. I appreciate advice sorry for typos very wobbly hands. He is asleep now that's why I am posting as he is very drunk after en gland win. As I understand it an alcoholic has alcohol in the morning and can't function without it. He just loves a drink and occasionally a bit of cocaone. This makes him sound awful when I read it !

Thanks - ouriana that sounds like an evolution and I can relate exactly to thatsequence of arguing...food for thought. It only gets physical I think when he feels he can't be heard. Lady stark - all I could think when he was shaking me was oh God what would the neighbours say they could see us at any time and there is nothing I can do. Noon has ever witnessed any of this and have never told anyone. It's just not as black and white as a julia Roberts film is it ?

Out, clear and simple before it escalates, women said will help you , take the first step as it is a poisonous relationship, exactly how my xdh started.

FFS MeMyself - they're not abusing each other. He's beating her up and telling her it's for her own good. Plus he's spending their family money on getting shitfaced on booze and high on class A drugs and leaving her without enough money to feed their family.
She's blaming herself because that's what the constant abuse gets women to do.

Curtains It is black and white in that he is abusive and if he followed the pattern he will get worse and worse and worse. Please seek real life help and support urgently.

Thank you all very very much - I really appreciate you all taking time to reply. I genuinely will go off and think about all of what you have said. Thank you so so much xx