Acceptable or not acceptable ?

[Curtains77]

First time posting - lurked and read a lot and I thought you lovely people might help me get some perspective on what is ok and what is not in a marriage ? Have been married 8 years, together 11 and have two children. We have always had a vola tile relationship . I am an anxious person but until now never a fish wife - type arguing person but we have had humdinger rows over the years. Like - bad. I am a runner - I will run away out of frustration and slam doors , usually to go off and cry and try to calm down. Husband is a confronted, shouted, will not let it go. Occasionally - very occasionally in very bad arguments he has slapped me around the face , slapped me with a pair of trousers, pushed me hard enough and long enough to topple me over ( I am quite sturdy !l ) bear hug me yo stop me stomping off and more recently completely lost it in an argument over the garden and shook me so hard for what felt like ages. I actually have bruises from that one. However - when it's written like that it sounds awful ! I am not a timid person but I am highly strung. I know I wind him up and at times I think I am extremely unreasonable. And yes he has a drinkproblem - dependant not alcoholic. He is a great dad but I worry that, at best , we have lost respect for each other and are exposing the children to unhealthy conflict and at worst, a situation that will not get better. Is there any salvaGE here ? Plenty of people I know regularly admit horrible arguments but what exactly constitutes hopeless and or abnormal? I can't talk to anyone in RL as no one would be unbiased and I am in desperate need of perspective. Sorry for long post and hope I make sense xx

Op he sounds like an alcoholic. An alcoholic 'is a person who doesnt know when or how to stop drinking.' It doesnt matter that he isnt drinking every waking moment.

He is also abusive.

I understand - freefrom that's interesting you say that. In the interest of balance I have to say we have enough money -just- to cover the habits. It's in the region of 500 quid a month ish. We do not want for basics but it's things like treats we perhaps skimp on more. He does not beat me up - I promise - it's just he flips out at end of his tether to end the argument which it usually does to be honest.

And no ouriana I don't think either of us overall. He has said it's why he drinks so much as our marriage is so hard work. Which it is. It's not how I envisaged my life st approaching 40. I think I am taking stock a bit hence asking for advice !

Sorry meant to say either of us are happy ...still shaking x

It makes him sound awful when you write it down is because he is awful

Iremember - I suppose it is all just a bit shit. But it would still be shit if we split wouldn't it - to try and bring up the kids separately would I think be beyond difficult . ...

Ok - thank you - all of you x I genuinely am appreciative of your advice xxxx

Rather than being brought up by a drunken drug addict and a battered mother ? Sorry love but your kids deserve better,so do you.

I just wanted to give you some advice from another angle.
I was a child whoes parents are exactly how you have described your husband and yourself.
My mother always, always worried, nervous, my father was shouty, loud, aggressive.
My father was what I would call a functioning alcoholic, he had a good job, never ever drunk at home but went to the pub every night.
My parents did nothing but argue, my siblings and I grew up learning to 'switch the TV up' to drown out the noise.
Odd slaps turned into full on violence, all of which we witnessed.
My parents finally divorced in my late teens, my mother didn't want us to come from a broken home.
I can honestly tell you, I begged my mother to leave my father from the age of 10 as we were all so deeply unhappy.
I know I don't know your situation fully but just wanted to give you a child's perspective, we knew from a young age how unhappy our parents were and ended up seeing things we should never have seen, which had a deep lasting impact on us.
I suppose I am saying, don't stay for the sake of the children, I, for one, wished my parents would have just separated before it turned as bad as it did and I wouldn't have had to witness the never ending arguments and violence.
Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for you.

He is drunk and he is abusive.

Your priorities are right, not his.

It would help if you were more assertive, less passive - but only if he were a more reasonable man who didn't hurt you and didn't spend his days half drunk.

As he is, he can't reasonably be lived with. That's why it feels pleasant and peaceful without him.

I am quite a naturally emotionally unstable person. My mother is as well, in fact all the women in my family seem to be. I get very anxious very easily and can be sharp and angry or cry at situations that dont really merit it. I was in an abusive relationship for years. My ex was a heavy drinker too. The entire time i was convinced it was mainly my fault and that i couldnt expect any better having the temprement i did. I thought he had to hit me to make me calm down. I thought i needed someone to be controlling because i couldnt deal with myself. I thought any relationship i was ever in was going to be volatile and that was the best i could expect because it was my nature. Eventually after he tired to kill me and i ended up in hospital i ran away. And guess what? fast forward years and im now about to be happily married to someone who ive been with several years who has never so much as raised his voice to me. And also i am not even a fraction of the level of anxious and unstable as i was in that abusive relationship. And guess what? The next girl my ex got with also got beaten. Being hit was not about me it was about him. Its alot easier to be calm when you dont live under the threat of violence with a drunk.
Dont ever use your behaviour as an excuse to justify your partner slapping you. This is an extremely unhealthy relationship that you need to leave. Dont think that its you and any relationship you have will be like this. This is not something you want your children growing up thinking is normal. xx

Fuck off is she equally abusing him by what she's said. People get into arguments, that's life. But he has been violently abusive to her. She doesn't need to go to anger management and certainly not with him. Such incredible ignorance. Please think before you spout such harmful inane rubbish.

Get out! NOT acceptable. :(

It's just not as black and white as a julia Roberts film is it ?

He physically abuses you.
He has drug and alcohol issues. (Being an alcoholic and alcohol dependent are the same thing - plenty of alcoholics don't drink all day every day).
After he has physically abused you he is sorry.
He also has an "excuse" as to why he has physically abused you - that it was at least in part your own fault or for your own good.
He has you convinced that his behaviour isn't that bad.

Actually your case is black and white. This is all stereotypical behaviour from an abusive partner.

Please please talk to Women's Aid

OP the bit where you said that you and the kids are more rellaxed and altogether better when he is out of the house is all you need to know to move forward with this really. Yes you may be partly to blame but it makes sod all difference to the outcome. Making a distinction between him being alcohol dependent but not an alcoholic is semantics really. If he can't see a footie match without getting shitfaced means he has no control around drink. To say that is your fault is absurd. You are allowed to leave if it's a tiny bit shit. This is big shit though isn't it? You bring out the worst in each other but for him to get physical with you is a failure of his and his alone. Next time he shakes you he could induce a blood clot or a torn artery that could end your life. No matter that it's over something trivial. Many deaths and serious injuries are over something trivial initially.

It's time to really assess. You are too young to stick this crap the rest of your life. You are not a ranty gobshite when you are not around him are you so make plans to separate and get some peace and normality back, for the kids if not yourself.

Trust me - bringing up the kids in a peaceful, quiet house free from violence, alcohol and drug abuse and with enough money to pay for the essentials will be 1000x easier than what you have now

Your children are suffering in this situation. Don't kid yourself that they are fine.

As others have said please call Womens Aid.
This is abuse in many forms and you and your DC should not put up with it.
He is abusive, an alcoholic and a drug addict.
He is spending £6,000 per year on his habits.
That is £6K of family money.
Can you imagine the holiday you could have with that?

Once you have spoken to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247, contact Citizens Advice.
Find out what you would be entitled to in benefits, tax credits, housing, maintenance.
I think you'll find you will better off without him both financially and mentally.
Your children will be happier and calmer and can start to thrive.

But it would still be shit if we split wouldn't it
Nope!!!! It's shit now.
It will be bliss and like a weight has been lifted when you split.

You and your children derserve so much better. I imagine life without him for you would be peaceful and safe.

Couples do have tensions and can wind one another up, it is normal. Violent and abusive behaviour is not normal and does not need to be tolerated.

Good luck OP, you sound lovely

Thank you for that perspective Framptonrose - I appreciate you sharing that as it cant have been easy and houseeveryweekend I see that pattern in what you said - and it's scary. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. But then again - please don't anyone be cross with me but I really NEED to ask the nitty gritty question - it's on half a dozen occasions in ten years - it's so sporadic. Mentally I am more tired of compromising and trying to make it work and I suppose I am on here because I don't feel any of it is quite enough to finish it . I shout too , swear and can be grumpy so I contribute to the situation too. I am not scared he will clock me one all the time only when we argue. Ironically - I don't think he was drunk on any of those occasions. In fact , part of me is relieved when he has a drink- as he is not so intense. Does that make sense ? By the Julia Roberts thing I mean our normal life is ok. I do take on board what you have said that the childen will be affected by this but so will they if we split so am trying to work out what's best.

Everyone shouts or is grumpy at their partner sometimes. Most people swear. All couples argue. That's normal.

What isn't normal is him being violent with you. And it really amid the for your own good.

I've often seen women in here who've left a marriage like yours, looking back with hindsight, realising that the violence was getting more severe when it happened and/or more frequent. Also them realising that the violence was so rare because they - and often the children - had been walking on eggshells and going along with his controlling behaviour to keep themselves safe.

And listen, if he were awful all the time, you wouldn't have got together with him. Certainly wouldn't have stayed with him this long. But it's not true that the good bits make up for the bad bits where violence and abuse are the bad bits, however sporadic.

That's another good clear balanced point Somerville. Thank you xx am feeling very thoughtful now - I do need to step back and try and look at everything and make a decision. You have all helped me - just what I needed though difficult to hear of course. Thank you x

Glad you could understand it with my hideous typos.

Stay safe. Don't go telling him that you're thinking about all this.

And open up to someone in real life. Whether that's the WA helpline, your GP, or friends or family. Call on support.

Hit a dog with a stick a few times, you don't have to hit it again after a little while, just show it the stick and it cowers.

With people the stick is often door slam, a tone of voice, a glower, throwing a thing at the floor, opening the beer.

Your statement Mentally I am more tired of compromising and trying to make it work suggests that you are shown the stick rather a lot.

The stick isn't just the slap or the shake or the bear grip, it is also the arguments about spending money on food instead of drink and things like that. You are terrified of confrontation, he loves confrontation, he uses it as a stick to keep you down.