Acceptable or not acceptable ?

[Curtains77]

First time posting - lurked and read a lot and I thought you lovely people might help me get some perspective on what is ok and what is not in a marriage ? Have been married 8 years, together 11 and have two children. We have always had a vola tile relationship . I am an anxious person but until now never a fish wife - type arguing person but we have had humdinger rows over the years. Like - bad. I am a runner - I will run away out of frustration and slam doors , usually to go off and cry and try to calm down. Husband is a confronted, shouted, will not let it go. Occasionally - very occasionally in very bad arguments he has slapped me around the face , slapped me with a pair of trousers, pushed me hard enough and long enough to topple me over ( I am quite sturdy !l ) bear hug me yo stop me stomping off and more recently completely lost it in an argument over the garden and shook me so hard for what felt like ages. I actually have bruises from that one. However - when it's written like that it sounds awful ! I am not a timid person but I am highly strung. I know I wind him up and at times I think I am extremely unreasonable. And yes he has a drinkproblem - dependant not alcoholic. He is a great dad but I worry that, at best , we have lost respect for each other and are exposing the children to unhealthy conflict and at worst, a situation that will not get better. Is there any salvaGE here ? Plenty of people I know regularly admit horrible arguments but what exactly constitutes hopeless and or abnormal? I can't talk to anyone in RL as no one would be unbiased and I am in desperate need of perspective. Sorry for long post and hope I make sense xx

Did you say that every time you disagree with him, you are worried that he might hit you ?

I feel very sad when I read this He has said it's why he drinks so much as our marriage is so hard work
He is blaming you for him drinking. He uses cocaine. I hope he doesn't use it in your home? He is in touch with drug dealers to get it. So there is a direct link between your safe home with kids and drug dealers.
Your children must be witnessing this. They must have seen him watch the match and get absolutely shit-faced drunk (or hopefully he was out in the pub and you all had a lovely evening without him).
People when they are very emotionally charged don't notice their behaviour. They will be shouting and swearing at each other and not noticing the kids are very quiet in the next room trying not to hear.
What age are your children?
My advice would be to go to counselling yourself. You said you had 500 a month left for luxuries? - so spend some of that on you seeing a counsellor and see how things go. He said he had to drink because the marriage is hard work. You tell him you are going to counselling because the marriage is hard work.
That would be great support for you and to get things in perspective, to separate you, the person, from you all embroiled in his behaviour and you not knowing which part of this is you and not him.

Stop taking the blame for a bully and this is domestic violence OP, no matter if it's sporadic, it should not even happen once - he is physically and verbally abusing you and yes you are right, it will be affecting your child very negatively, you will have to live with that guilt I'm afraid or you could always stand up for yourself and tell him if he lays a finger on you again it's over because it will happen again, it's the pattern of your relationship - it sounds bloody awful, it should not be as much hard work as this - you both are probably just not suited anymore and are dragging it on and emotionally damaging your child along the way.

Sorry to be brutal but from what you post you just keep defending what is in reality terms, shitty, nasty behaviour from your husband.

Adora - I see that - and please don't apologise for being brutal - it's a realistic appraisal from what I have said from a third party and it's what I should hear. And Sadie I thought that was a brilliant idea about saying the counselling is for the marriage - I spoke to him an hour ago and went from the angle I wanted to see someone as I want to make our lives less fraught. He said that he does not need counselling and he knows the counsellor will back him up that I am irrational and he is doing everything he can . Therefore I can go on my own to sort myself out. So I am going to find a counsellor - first step. I feel a bit like am having an out of body experience today !

And Kr1stina I said I don't think everything we disagree he will do something - but when we have a row that escalates or in certain situations I can see how it's going to go whatever I do . If that makes sense. I am not scared of him all the time but it is in the back of my mind that it could happen sorry for waffling.

I would specifically look for a counsellor who is experienced in domestic violence support, Curtains. (Clearly, don't tell your H that.) Because you need someone who understands that you mustn't start acting in a way that challenges him and therefore puts you and your children at more risk. And even more importantly, someone who understands that all sorts of things you blame yourself for are actually because of the intolerable situation that now seems normal to you.

I'm not sure how to find one, perhaps through Women's Aid. Or someone on here may know how to signpost you towards how to find that.

Hello lovely people x I just wanted to say thank you all so much for your advice last week x xxwhen England didn't win last night dh came home drunk and after hurling abuse at me went to take the dog out ( notnot sober enough to be responsible for our dog in public ) and when I said that he really should not be doing that and stupidly I tried to grab lead off of him and he used the lead to whack me . I was still a bit shocked even though I suppose I saw it coming sort of - I suppose I should have let him go but I worry about the dog! Another stupid scuffle that didn't need to happen leaving me wondering if I am going mad or is it just too easy for him to cross that line now ? Anyway I just wanted to say thank u all u have given me confidence to plan to get out x xxxx

Yes far too easy. Get out, please please get out.

Yes too easy.

If you actually think it could be your fault in any way whatsoever then you are indeed going mad. He has driven you mad.

Good luck getting out. Need any advice from MN?