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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS1 now knows that mummy & daddy are going to live in different houses

85 replies

messyoldmess · 19/01/2007 15:09

I was hoping we would both tell him together, but it appears H broke the news last night while I was at a friends house.
DS1 was sent home from school sick today & on the walk home he suddenly said "I know you & daddy are going to live in different houses soon"
I was a bit taken aback & asked who told him, to which he replied "Daddy told me, he said it's because you both want to be rich like nanny & gaggy." (Not sure where that came from!)
I asked how he felt about that idea, & he said "Okay, I will be able to sleep at your house & daddy's"
I am relieved he seems to be taking the news quite well, as I was worrying a lot about this, but I feel a bit angry that H didn't let me know he was going to do this.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 22/01/2007 23:13

Yes he does, Blu, he is a very loving little boy & he worries a lot about things.
um picked us up from school today because of the rain & this was when she said all this stuff.
Half way home, DS2 said "When's daddy home, mummy?"
Mum said "Oh, see, they always want to know where their dad is"
Did feel horrible after I left her, but I know this needs to happen & I think that I will be able to be a better mum to them once the stress is lifted a bit.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 22/01/2007 23:16

That's interesting, Aloha.
I was led to believe (by my parents) that I had a stable upbringing because I had both my parents together. It was kind of drummed into me, and it wasn't until I started having counselling that I realised this was far from the case.

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Aloha · 22/01/2007 23:19

Well, exactly! I suspect by getting divorced you are stirring up a lot of feelings in your mother. She has told herself over and over again that all her sacrifice and unhappiness was worthwhile for the sake of the children, now, by getting divorced yourself you are showing there was another way, that she could have been free. And if the children are OK, it means her unhappiness was all for nothing. You can see why she is afraid of all this. It's all about her and her relationship, nothing to do with your, your relationship or even her children.
I KNOW I would have been happier with my parents apart. They would have been too.

kando · 23/01/2007 13:05

Yet again I'm speechless at your mother's lack of support towards you, the way she won't even listen to your explanations (you're not a child ffs, why does she keep treating you like one?!) and the way she speaks to you. I admire you for not turning round and belting her one - I'm sure if my mother said anything like that to me I'd "go off on one" (or better still, have a similar type of tantrum that dd2 likes to have !!) It really does beggar belief that YOUR parents stick up for your idiot of an h more than they do for their own daughter.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 23/01/2007 21:15

I'm kind of used to it, Kando. They think H is the bees knees because he does a lot of work for them - infact he has been over there more than ever recently!
He is the perfect son in law to them (he gets on v well with my dad) & they would do anything to try & stop this happening.

I have spoken to DS1 tonight & tried to use Blu's suggestions of how to phrase it.
He seemed to accept it ok, and seems more concerned about moving from this house than the whole mummy & daddy living apart bit.
He quickly changed the subject to something about his Mr Men books!
I hope he will be ok.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 23/01/2007 22:38

Aloha - did your parents ever separate?

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 24/01/2007 12:37

Think it is worrying DS more than I realised. He came up to me in the playground today (I work in the school & was on duty) & wanted to walk around holding my hand. He then suddenly said "I am a bit happy & a bit sad about moving"
I asked what was making him most sad & he said "That I won't see daddy forever."
I told him that he didn't need to worry about that & that he would still see lots of daddy and be able to stay with him etc.
He then said "Well I might not see you much then"
I tried to reassure him that he would see both of us lots & the only difference would be that mummy & daddy would be living in different houses.
Don't know if I have said the right things to him here. It's breaking my heart to have to do this.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 24/01/2007 13:35

I did have a bit of a word with his TA in the playground, as she asked if he was ok.
I told her that he was feeling a bit low about the move etc & asked if she could keep a bit of an eye on him in class.
Will try & have a proper talk to his teacher when I catch her, as I'm quite worried about him. He is a very deep little boy.

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sunnysideup · 24/01/2007 13:42

messy I think the things you said to him were perfect. Well done for coping with it, it must be absolute torture having to say this stuff to him.

I've worked lots with separated families and one thing I would say is that it's very good to expect to be reassuring him like this ALOT. And do ask him about how he feels, don't wait to be asked. You'd be amazed how many children feel a tumult of worries but either keep them in because they want to look after their parent, or may not have the words to express them.

Just keep talking!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 24/01/2007 13:54

Thanks, SSU. I have been checking he is ok since I re-told the whole story to him last night.
He seemed to take it ok last night, but quickly changed the subject to talk about his Mr Man book.
Today he seemed a bit clingy at playtime & brought it up again.
It is so hard to know how to do this just right, but I am trying to reassure him as best I can.
I just feel so sad for my boys.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 24/01/2007 16:39

He's really worried about it all.
I keep trying to reassure him as best I can, but don't know if I'm doing a good enough job. Finding it hard to hold back the tears myself.
He seems to have perked up a bit now & is playing with his brother, but I feel so terrible for putting him through this.

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kando · 25/01/2007 11:25

But in the long term MoM, it's for the best. Yes, it will be hard for him to start with but he will adapt to the new situation and get into the swing of things re spending time with you and with his dad. I know I keep saying it, but I so admire you for what you are going through now and how you are handling it. Your boys will be better for it in the end - and so will you.

Tyedye · 25/01/2007 11:59

Message withdrawn

Tyedye · 25/01/2007 12:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 25/01/2007 23:30

I know it's for the best, but this bit just breaks my heart.
He has not mentioned much today, but is still very clingy, wanting to be near me all the time.

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Aloha · 25/01/2007 23:33

messyoldmess...yes my parents did, when I was about 19...too late! It was really awful growing up with no love at all between my parents, just conflict and arguments. Horrible, horrible. I am now a mother to my two and a stepmother to my dh's daughter (he'd split four years before I met him btw - she left him) and she is a fantastic 15 year old, who has two families she loves and is loved by, lots of little siblings, is really lovely, well balanced, popular and happy. She would have been so much worse off if her parents had stayed together.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 25/01/2007 23:41

It's good to hear that your stepdaughter is so well balanced, Aloha. Also feel quite reassured that I am doing the right thing by hearing you talk about your own childhood.
I know I am doing the right thing for my DS's. DS1 is very sensitive & does worry a lot, and it is heartbreaking for me to see him sad, but I think he will do better in the long run.
DS1 has problems (has textbook dyspraxic symptoms) & H really gets on at him.
I think I am doing the right thing here, it's just painful getting there!

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Aloha · 25/01/2007 23:51

I really wish you well. I mean every word I have posted. I met my stepdaughter when she ws six and she has just blossomed and blossomed. My ds is dyspraxic and sensitive, and I know at atmosphere of conflict and lovelessness would be toxic for him. Good luck!

Original poster
messyoldmess · 26/01/2007 07:32

Thank you, Aloha.

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Original poster
messyoldmess · 26/01/2007 14:27

DS has started really playing me up now. I guess this may be as a result of all this.

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bigknickersbigknockers · 26/01/2007 20:07

Hello MOM.

How are things progressing with the sale of the house? I am sorry things are still difficult for you but am sure you must be on the last slog now.
I hope you have managed to go and view some houses and maybe even find one you like.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/01/2007 00:35

Am reaching the end now, BTC, but having so much pressure from family, which makes it that bit harder.

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NewMoonOnMonday · 27/01/2007 03:16

I haven't read the whole thread, just your posts MoM. I'm really angry on your behalf that your H chose to speak to your DS about your seperation without you being there. I'm not sure if you remember my posts but I'm in similar cirumstances. Things are moving forward for me and hopefully P will have moved out by next Friday (he should have gone today but it's taken longer than expected for references to come through for his new flat). I still haven't told DS that we are seperating. I'd be absolutely furious if P decided to just tell him without me agreeing to it. My DS is autistic though so perhaps I would have told him earlier if I thought he would understand - I'd still be livid if anyone else took that out of my hands though. I totally disagree with the nonsense your H has told him with regards to living in seperate homes. Bless your DS for getting his money box out

I'm really sad to hear that your parents are being so unhelpful. My mum has often said things like 'if your dad had come home to a TV dinner I'd expect a smack in the face', so I kind of know where you're coming from. She thinks it's outrageous that I'm ending a relationship with a man that 'goes to work' - as if that's the only f*cking thing to take into consideration here.

We're not in exactly the same circumstances but I think I understand how you feel.

Good luck with finding the right house

Tyedye · 27/01/2007 08:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 27/01/2007 09:27

Glad things are moving forward for you, NMOM, but sorry you are going through similar.
Met up with my sister last night & she was saying how upsetting she found all this with DS1 being told. She kept asking if I was totally sure I was doing the right thing & was it worth putting the boys through all this for.
I told her that I was sure I was doing the right thing & wouldn't have stuck with my decision if not. Of course I feel totally awful that the boys have to go through this though.
My post last night was in answer to you, BKBK, but I had just read a post by BTC & with one too many drinks in my system, I got myself confused!!

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