DS1 now knows that mummy & daddy are going to live in different houses

[messyoldmess]

I was hoping we would both tell him together, but it appears H broke the news last night while I was at a friends house.
DS1 was sent home from school sick today & on the walk home he suddenly said "I know you & daddy are going to live in different houses soon"
I was a bit taken aback & asked who told him, to which he replied "Daddy told me, he said it's because you both want to be rich like nanny & gaggy." (Not sure where that came from!)
I asked how he felt about that idea, & he said "Okay, I will be able to sleep at your house & daddy's"
I am relieved he seems to be taking the news quite well, as I was worrying a lot about this, but I feel a bit angry that H didn't let me know he was going to do this.

I read this thread yesterday and felt very sorry for you, messyoldmess. I don't know the background, but I agree that giving your ds such a cock and bull story will confuse him. I'm not surprised that he got money from his money box. I hope your dh has thought about that conversation and can now see that it was very wrong of him to speak to ds without prior agreement with you and with you both there, and to give an explanation which you both agree with which is suitable for ds' understanding and age. Can you talk to your dh again and agree to do it once again, together and with an planned explanation?

Messy have you issued your petition yet ?

I doubt very much that H will sit down with me & explain it all again to DS. I will probably have to do it myself, as he can't see what he has done wrong & feels that it is kinder for DS to hear his version than to hear the whole truth. He knows I am not happy with what Ds has been told, but he cannot see any wrong in it.
I will explain things to DS in the best way I can.
He has been following me around a lot today.

The man's a Class A moron. Children do not forget these things and, when the magical family house does not materialise in years to come, DS will feel he has been royally conned.

Not sure how to proceed now, without either making H to appear a complete liar which won't help or to perpetuate the myth that you are all going to be one big happy family eventually. I suppose the only thing you can do is talk to DS and stress that houses cost a lot of money and it is unlikely you will have enough money to move again once you have bought your own.

It's so hard, I just don't know what to say to DS now. I don't want to upset & confuse him further.
I am going to really have to think it through carefully. I'm sothat H has done this.
Nice to see you are still with us, NurseryJo.

Oh Bloody hell MoM - what a complete moron he is! Sorry - have been offline all w/e.

Fancy telling a child something that implies that you take huge emotional decisions and uproot kids like that because money is the most important thing! But, hey, it fits pretty closely with his mentality, doesn't it?

I have absolutelyno experience of this , but the parents of a freind of DS's split recently, and they told him that they kept having arguments, so they decided that they wouldn't argue if they lived in separate houses, and could be better friednds, and * would see them both, have a room an toys at each house, and they would spend more time playing with him than arguing with each other.

This seems to have made perfect sense to him - as he was in no doubt that arguments happen.
Maybe you could start by telling DS that yes, you will have two houses in the family, one at Daddy's, one at Mummy's - so yes, you will be richer a long time in the future, but that getting rich isn't important, being happy and not fighting is what is important, the reason you are getting these houses is because you want to stop arguing...and that you both still love the boys etc etc....

Oooh, it is so clear why your H and Ps get on, talk about the same level of (non-existent) sensitivity, and obsession with money being more important that relationships!!

How I wish your h could have taken the same line as Blu's friends did MoM
He really is an idiot, I'm so sorry

Hi Messy have followed all yout threads.
First off well done, you are so far down the line from your previous threads, light is certainly at the end of the tunnel.

As for him telling your poor ds that cock and bull story - thats just deranged. How dare he even tell him without letting you know first.

I don't have any advice on ehat to tell ds now, but he can't go on with this fairytale illusion. A month seems like a lifetime to a child, so you can imagine how hopeful he would feel if he has this in his mind.

I really feel for you. Why are some men such losers?

How are you feeling about things?

Your way of explaining things sounds good, Blu. I wish H had explained it in the way your DS's friends parents did to him.
My mum thinks H did right to tell it to DS as he did & feels he was trying to protect him. She has told me not to now go & upset him as he is a sensitive boy.
I know he is sensitive, but I don't feel he should have been told all the nonsence about money.
She said it upsets her that DS is going to be upset & that she feels it is all so unnecesary for any of this to be happening - it is just be getting things set in my head & I should just stop it!
I tried explaining my reasons again, but she wouldn't listen & said I haven't tried everything, because I could try being a better wife.
Feeling pretty horrible right now.

Sorry me getting things stuck in my head!

She came out with the "bad wife" bit, after I tried to explain that I didn't come to the decision to end my marriage easily, and that I had tried hard to do other things to try & improve my situation at home, so that it didn't end like this.
She told me I didn't try everything because I didn't try to be a better wife.
I know they feel this is all me being stubborn & that I am messing my childrens lives up.
I hate it that the boys are going to have to go through all this, but I feel it will be better for them in the long run.

You should reply to your mum "Well, I'm sorry that your idea of being a better wife is to completely acquiesce on everything, to let H make all the decisions and have no say in anything, to let him shout and bully me and the children without responding in any way whatsoever, but I'm afraid it isn't mine. How about H trying to be a better husband and father by valuing his wife and children, by doing all in his power to make them feel happy and secure? Because he isn't doing that."

I'm sorry to say MOM, but your mum is as much of an arse as your H. She should be supporting you through a difficult time, not piling on the pressure to get you to stay in an abusive relationship. But then we all know that she is doing it because, to do otherwise, would be to acknowledge that her own marriage is abusive and she isn't about to do that.

Hi MOM,

I know it's hard but you need to ignore your mom's nasty comments. You are so in the right about this, just keep your head held high and be safe in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for your boys. Your mom would obviously be happier for you to be in an unhappy marriage and for your boys to live with that awful situation. But you have given this lots of thought and you are doing this for the boys and for you.

Your parents may never be happy with this but you will learn to live with this once you and the boys are away from H and settled on your own. It's their problem!

I know you are both right & I shouldn't let my parents comments get to me, but sometimes they do upset me, especially when they go on about upset to the boys.
I get frustrated that they won't even try & listen when I explain my reasons for doing what I'm doing.
You are probably right about my mum not wanting to acknowledge problems in her own marriage though, Freckle. Her opinion is that she has made her marriage work, so I should try harder & do the same!

Your mother... oh dear... we're brought up to respect our parents, but let's face it, just because they're parents doesn't mean they can't be stupid at least some of the time. Parents have a horrible tendency to live their lives through their children, when their duty is in fact to raise independent human beings who can make their own decisions.

Also remember she's from a different era (not so very long ago), when the Big D was social death. Making your marriage work often meant making your man happy so he didn't dump you or knock you around (too often), because being a single parent was too awful to contemplate. We live in a much more enlightened time now, thank heaven, and there's no reason for children to suffer just because their parents don't live together. It's so obvious you can't be happy with your awful H, and sad that she seems to be stuck in a kind of 1950s women's magazine timewarp where being married was all the happiness a woman ought to ask.

MoM - this was bound to be fodder for your mum - the ludicrous money explanation was exactly the sort of claptrap that she too would think was a good idea. She won't ever be of any helpful support over any of this sort of thing because her ideas are so warped.

You can get this back on course because it will make more sense to your DS1 that you would split up to avoid arguments. Yes, you will have two houses but you will have them so that you don't argue about things...it will mean that there are two houses in the family - just like rich people sometimes have, but that when you have the teo houses mummy and daddy won't be arguing about how tidy to keep the house etc etc.
Then you don't have to exactly refute what H has told him....but he is a very understanding boy - he will know that you are telling him the truth and somehting that makes sense to him. Can you bring it up gently and calmly with DS1 sometime soon?

Grrrrrrrrr at you H - what a complete effing idiot.

And your mother is simply nasty. I am so angry for you! 'better' wife? One that sits meekly by, while her H terrorises the kids and dishes out emotional abuse? You could perhaps have endured another few years of abuse and ended up a totally downtrodden wife and broken woman...and what kind of mother would that have made you?

How could your mother say that to you?

Oh I know, AGYG! My parents are still very much of the thinking that you must try harder & make your marriage work, however bad things are.
Shortly after hearing about our separation, dad said "We don't fail on marriages in this family!"
Mum thinks I should have tried harder to be a good wife to H, by cooking & tidying more!
I have tried explaining how bad things could be & what states H would get me in, but she just says "Well you're not perfect (which I am quite aware of - who is!) & you probably drive him to it!"
I feel pretty sure that I'm doing the right thing though, however painful the whole process is proving!

Hi Blu X posted with you!
I will speak to DS & try to do it as sensitivly as I possibly can.
My mum is obviously still cross with me for going through with all this.

There are more than one ways of failing in marriage...and living in misery like your mum does, and failing to protect your daughters self-esteem etc etc sounds like a pretty unsuccesful marriage to me!

You're upset now because she got to you - but you've been here before and you know that tomorrow or in a day or two you will have shaken it off and realised that it really is your Mum and not you who is out of kilter with common sense, kindness, and good decisions!

You are a dead good mum - and whatever YOU tell DS, he will trust you. He will trust you to care for him and look after him, and he will feel safe, whatever changes come up.

Can I just say, I yearned and yearned for my parents to get divorced instead of coexisting in misery and conflict. I was desperate for them to divorce, and tbh, I really think their staying together damaged me permanently in some ways. New studies show the children of divorced parents are generally happier or at least as happy after their parents divorce and don't want them to get back together. You are doing the right thing. Don't let your parents make you doubt yourself.

I know it isn't just DS1 to tell - but I imagine that to a certain extent Ds2 will take a lead from his brother? And in any case feel even more under your wing and feel happpy and safe as long as he knows his Mummy loves him. And DS 1 is the one who comes out with the heartbreakers, isn't he?

good post, Aloha.