Feel weird about drunken incident with BF

[FrazzledRick]

It's a bit of a weird one. Been with BF about 3 months. Its been lovely, no issues at all. We went away for a long weekend last weekend. On Saturday, we went out and got really drunk. Well, I was really drunk. He seemed less so, he doesn't really take alcohol very well and often gets sick so he doesn't drink much. I'm making it sound like I'm an alcoholic, I'm not, I was just very drunk this night.

After we had gone to bed and fallen asleep he got up to go to the bathroom in hotel room to be sick. I remember coming round and hearing him. I know I should have got up to see if he was OK but I must have still been pretty drunk and as soon as I registered what was going on, I fell back asleep again. I did this a couple of times.

I'm not sure how long it was until he came back to bed, but I woke up again to him lying behind me talking at me, he was repeating "I know you're awake" and calling me a "bitch" and a "cunt" for not getting up to look after him. I felt really weird and pretended to be still asleep.

The next morning was like nothing had happened. He told me he'd got up to be sick and said "you were still asleep though" and I said "yeah, sorry I didn't hear anything."

I can't stop feeling weird about it. What went on there. Was it just alcohol? I actually don't know why I didn't get up to help him. I feel disturbed about his reaction though.

[FrazzledRick]

Don't feel obliged to enact the 'love story' especially if those around you are part of the 'it was meant to be' scenario .

This is striking a bit of a cord. Our mutual friends have been campaigning for this for a while.

Because of circumstances we became really close friends within our circle over the course of several months and then we slept together a couple of times. He said he'd always liked me and wanted more and I wanted to just be friends. He then disappeared off the scene for a few months but when he started hanging around with us all again, all our friends were encouraging me and then we had a great night out and we ended up together again. And I genuinely do think I was falling for him this time.

[FrazzledRick]

Yes Goddess, I think part of why I didn't "wake up" was because I was wondering why he needed me to in the first place, it's the last thing I'd want, but then immediately felt guilty.

[CopperPot]

Why should you have helped a grown man in the bathroom being sick anyway??

He sounds awful. Can you not just say to him (somewhere public like a cafe) today, you know I heard you call me those names the other night, I was drunk but I came to and heard you. Why did you ? And see what he says. I'm very interested in his response.

[NotYoda]

I have been with DH for over 25 years. He has never called me a name.

I think I would struggle to ever trust him again of what happened to you happened to me, at my stage of relationship

3 months in - split up

[CopperPot]

End it and when your sad friends who campaigned for it ask why say he called you a cunt and a bitch. You won't be made to feel guilty

[anotherbusymum14]

Gosh that's truly awful. I'm sorry that happened. At least see it as a warning of what's ahead and do not stay in that relationship any longer. It will only go from bad to worse. And if you hear everyone's warnings and ignore them, then I'm sorry too. See he may take you away places and do nice things for you but personally I think he's going to lure you in and just be horrible. It will be far easier to get out now. All the best.

[FrazzledRick]

The more I think about it copperpot the more it seems pretty reasonable to do that doesn't it? I don't know why I feel bad about doing something like that though. I do really feel like I did something wrong with the whole not getting up thing and would have felt embarrassed broaching the subject and telling friends, but the way you put it, it's fine.

[goddessofsmallthings]

to be fair he wasn't talking to himself, he was talking to me, he was convinced I was awake and could hear him...and...I WAS!!!!!!

From the way you've described it I don't see how he could have been sure you weren't asleep, but if you believe that he knew you were awake while he was calling you a bitch and a cunt I don't understand why you didn't bin him when you got home.

[CopperPot]

You did nothing wrong. At all.

[WelshMoth]

I'd be tempted to admit that I'd heard him too, again over a coffee in a busy place. Be truthful - that you were in and out of sleepyness but you'd heard the name calling. Call him on it and ask him why?

That's quite a streak of nastiness to be honest. Whatever his response is, I think you should walk away from this one.

[Baconyum]

'He's pursued me for years,' THAT alone would worry me. I've known of it only twice in real life and both times the guy is VERY controlling.

'Surprise' trip to Rome - I'm with mn massive that anything 'surprise' is control disguised as a gift

Friends campaigning for you to get together - this plus his years of pursuit - why was it necessary? Why did YOU not want to get together with him ?

And that's ALL. BEFORE we even get to aggressive misogynistic name calling (done in such a way it's bloody difficult for you to call him on it...he's banking on that) shite!

Run!!

Curious...was he single the whole time he was pursuing you? Why have his previous relationships broken up?

[FetchezLaVache]

I don't think it's any coincidence, either, that this boundary-testing and general unpleasantness began during a grand gesture trip - you can't dump me now, I've just paid for us to go to Rome!

[IthinkIamsinking]

He sounds dreadful. This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. What a horrible thing to hear. Agree with PP's who say walk away now.

[romoca]

Oh dear...... This reminds me of me. 3 months in my fella and I had a drunken row I called called slag for talking to a bloke. We made it up that evening because we were going on holiday the next day. He had liked me for years we went to school together. At first I wasn't interested in being with him but he was so nice and gentlemen like.......then I fell pregnant, we got married, I'm pregnant again! All within 3 years, he is a brilliant father no doubt but can be quite controlling when we get on its mint but when we don't it's awful......suppose what I'm trying to say is...... I wish I could go back.
I would suggest running for the hills!!!! Xx

[FrazzledRick]

goddess he was saying at first "i know you're awake" "thanks so much for helping me" etc and then when I carried on pretending to be asleep and he didn't get a reaction, he started with the name calling. so I am guessing at that stage he'd accepted I was asleep. But I get your point.

baconymum I'm almost embarrassed to answer this one, because what I'm about to write just goes to show you're all right.

When we first met, on a works night out, he asked me out but I was dating his friend. He then started a long relationship with another girl. My relationship with his friend fizzled out. His GF then went behind his back with his friend (my ex). So our mutual friends all felt very sorry for him. After a while, he tells them he's always had feeling for them and everything is all perfect.

The reason why I've given the whole backstory is his exGF told people that when he found out she had cheated he started hitting her on the head with a pillow while she was asleep to wake her up. And she said she was frightened.

And now I know I'm a dick for not hearing any of the alarm bells.

[FrazzledRick]

Sorry, I meant

*After a while, he tells them he's always had feeling for me and everything is all perfect.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Bin him and get CopperPot's message across to your friends before he has a chance to tell them that you were a bitch and a cunt for not ministering to him on the fancy trip he'd paid for as a special surprise for you.

If you ignore the sound advice you've been given here, you'll find yourself on red alert waiting for him to exceed his limit and limiting your consumption of alcohol so that you can minister to him when he's throwing up because he made you feel guilty you didn't do so last time, and because you don't want to be called a bitch and a cunt again.

Neat trick, eh? And what a slippery slope... what else will P Charmng guilt trip you with or make you fearful that you'll be sworn at if you fail to attend to his wants?

[SpinyCrevice]

Wow OP he sounds like he is hiding a simmering cauldron of rage. Get out before it blows! Text him, 'We need to talk' he will text back, 'You are dumping me aren't you?' You can text back, 'Yes' and leave it at that. He does sound deranged.
Examine the hitting when the ex was asleep. It's as cowardly as you can get but controlling at the same time. Instead of discussing it like, y' know, an adult, he chooses to assault her when she is vulnerable. Scary as hell as he is not being upfront with his feelings, bottling them until he gets a chance to vent on a vulnerable woman. Don't be his next victim, it might get out of hand and be far worse than a pillow.

[SpinyCrevice]

Oh and if I am hurling up, the last thing I want is someone in the room. Surely most people feel the same way. You are were his DP not his mother FFS

[SomeonesRealName]

Oh OP please leave this man now. His behaviour towards you is way off the scale in terms of what is OK and he sounds dangerous. Tell your friends what happened; abuse thrives in the dark but dies in the light.

[Shouldwebeworried]

Defintely heed the warnings and get out now. There is absolutely no reason you have to put up with this shit.

[SomeonesRealName]

[Dozer]

You did nothing wrong at all not getting up! He's an adult and can look after his own drunken vomiting! Red flag that he felt entitled to your assistance, and to be nasty when this was not forthcoming. The sexist, abusive language, especially spoken in bed to your back, is a bigger red flag.

Him pursuing you is by-the-by, and plenty of abusive men are into pursuit and being "lovely" at first.

Why not get it out in the open, tell him you woke to hearing his verbal abuse, and see how he reacts?

[aladinsane]

I went out with the same guy after my marriage imploded. Old friend, everyone thinks he's amazing and I always looked up to him. 'It was meant to be' . So he started playing with my boundaries almost instantly. I kept challenging it and he'd be plausible and reasonable.
I clung on to him because of our history and the horrors of my divorce situation.
He kept upping the anti and the more I challenged and rebelled the nastier he got.
Spiteful, really nasty and I finally had enough when I saw and heard the multiple lies he'd been telling me and about me.
I recently ran into an ex girlfriend of his who confirmed the same story, he is an abuser.
both of us couldn't believe it was the same guy, so affable, popular, funny etc but a twisted woman hater under the surface.
If you have such grave doubts now just leave. I garuntee it will get worse to the point where you can't trust your own brain.

[FrazzledRick]

I know. You're right, I'm going to.
I've been unsure what to make of it all week and I couldn't sleep last night so I posted this for a bit of clarity. TBH I wasn't sure which way it would go.

I'm at his now and he's still in bed, I'm going to go home and get ready for work there and will use today to think about how to do the deed.

Thanks so much! xx