I'm pregnant but my partner doesn't want to keep the baby

[user1465471993]

I am 30 years old and am 7 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy with my partner of 3 years. We live together and his daughter from his previous marriage aged 5 lives with us half the week.

We had unprotected sex and discussed the options, we agreed that now wasn’t quite the right time as we were planning to do a trip together in Jan. I took the morning after pill but became pregnant anyway.
I was really pleased about the pregnancy, I have realised just how much I wanted a child of my own since becoming a stepmum figure to his daughter and how important family is to me. My partner was initially happy about the news, but since we discussed money and the practical side of it he has now changed his mind and has started saying he wants me to have an abortion.

Before this happened we had talked about children in the future, initially he said no he did not want any more (he never wanted his daughter or any children to begin with but since she started talking and became a real personality, he can’t see her enough and absolutely adores her). Gradually through our relationship he eased up as could see how important it was to me and how good we are as a family. We agreed to think about it in a couple of years time, and after taking the morning after pill he even suggested trying next year after our trip away.

Since I became pregnant I have asked him what he really thinks, at first he was happy to go with the flow, he even told his parents at 6 weeks and they were very happy. But since we started discussing the reality of finances, he has gone cold on the idea and feels pressurised.
I work full time on a decent salary £23,000 pa but my partner only earns £800 per month as a part time evening worker in entertainment. He likes to spend his day time doing his hobbies outdoors and does not want to work any more than is absolutely necessary, he has made this very clear.

I will be down to statutory maternity pay when I leave work and it will be a struggle to pay the rent and bills on this and his £800 a month salary. He says he doesn’t have enough money to support us, or to save, and suggested that I will have to go to work before the six months are up which really upset me. He says he is willing to compromise and do things he doesn’t want to do, such as babysit whilst I work in the day, but that he doesn’t like babies and will find it stressful. (He did this with his ex as she was also the main earner). He says he wants the abortion because I will use the baby as an excuse to push him in a direction workwise that he does not want to go down, ie working more.

I feel like he is just a bit lost career wise and isn’t prepared to give up his free time to take on the responsibility of a baby. I cannot see myself aborting the pregnancy, I know it would be the end of our relationship if I did and also that I would feel so regretful. I wouldn’t be able to be around his daughter, it would just cause me pain. My instinct is have this baby no matter what, and as I have always been surrounded by positive strong females who have achieved so much on their own I feel confident. That is obviously the worst case scenario. Am I being selfish? Any advice appreciated x

Why on earth you got together with someone so Lazy and unambitious is beyond me. What did you expect him to do with that salary?

I agree wholeheartedly with this ^^^

The more you say OP - The more it looks like you kind of planned this pregnancy.
How quickly did you take the morning after pill, because it's usually very effective.

Not 100% I know. Discuss whether taking it could have an adverse effect on your baby with a GP.

Another poster mentioned beings tied to him forever with a child. I tend to agree with that statement.

You won't have a great life with him and little money.

I am always perplexed when women who claim to have this great well of love for their future offspring go on to let themselves be inpregnated by any old loser who is begrudging or ambivalent about parenthood, can't hold a decent job, won't get married and otherwise is pathetic as a co-parent.

Why not hold out for the best possible sire for one's kids instead of taking up with the dud? Why saddle a human being with a man-child father? The ramifications will stay with her/him for 80 years. It's no joke to grow up like that; check out many other threads by damaged people in this very forum.

And what if something happens to the mother? Could a man like this raise the child, then? Arrghh!

Love that 'no offence OP' MaryMcCarthy. Like that works.

I took the MAP within 19 hours, as soon as I could get it basically. I got it the next day on my lunch break. It isn't 100% effective. GP states it will not harm the baby and I will discuss it with midwife next week when I have my first appointment. OH and I discussed last night and he is coming around, he is prepared to discuss and look at work options too so perhaps it is the kick up the arse he needs. We will see. He said he did think we could TTC in a couple of years when I called his bluff on this, I asked what would be diff then and he says he wanted to see how his career developed, but we agreed he is not career minded or motivated, and then disagreed that his work has developed in the last three years (he thinks yes, I disagree). We also discussed why he is resentful taking suggestions from me when we discuss his work options. He thinks I am being controlling, am trying to mould him, have my own agenda and don't love him for who he is. Yes I do have an agenda, for a partnership and family. I do love him as wouldn't have stuck around this long, giving him time and space to make his own choices...that he has not made!

But he has made his choices, one of which was to prioritise free time over money, and one of which was not to have a child.

You deliberately got pregnant when he said he didn't want that. Yeah, he's responsible for agreeing to a crap method, but he had the right to expect you to respect his decision and at least use that method well. He trusted you to use your agreed method properly and you were "relaxed" - this pregnancy was no accident!

How can you deny that you're controlling?!

You could have taken the MAP first thing not lunchtime. You could have had your coil refitted alongside the MAP.

The MAP is 95% in 24 hours. But only pre implantation. Perhaps it failed because you conceived several days earlier with your LACK OF contraception.

No matter how stupid he was to trust you, and no matter than accidents do happen, this wasn't an accident and you were wrong to do this to him.

The thing is when you love someone, you need to accept them for who they are. He is not a man you can rely on for financial support when raising a child and he doesn't want to be the one to stay at home and look after a baby either.

None of these things are a suprise to you, but I think deep down you want him to earn more or take on responsibility that he's not that keen to do.

How much was his evening career really likely to develop? The money he earns is little more than a 16 year old apprentice gets and supporting a child or 2 on that and surviving is close to impossible.

His ex and mother of his DD has realised he's useless as far as CS is concerned, maybe in time you'll draw your own conclusions on that.

Could he live in his own place on £800 a month?

C I did not deliberately get pregnant. I don't like your condescending tone and judgement. Delib pregnancy would be lying about contraception and not taking MAP. I took it as soon as was possible after one instance of unprotected sec when we agreed following it that actually we weren't ready to trust in natural planning. I know the date and time it happened.

And one of his choices was to have a child - to try next year. His words

Yes, next year.
If I seem judgmental and condescending it is exactly because you say things like that!
He did not want a baby now, yet, at this time.
That is why - surprise surprise - he didn't want to keep it.

Pregnancy is not accidental when you either deliberately don't follow your contraceptive method, or you are "relaxed" about it. At least be honest with yourself. You want a baby. He doesn't. You don't follow the method correctly. You get pregnant. You're happy about it. No, not seeing "unplanned" there.

You keep talking like it makes no difference whether you have a baby now or next year.

Well, here's two differences it makes:

1. You get to enjoy pregnancy with a partner as happy about it and committed to it as you are, unlike now

1. You have time to plan financially, to save, for him to get off his arse and earn more money. So then you can go back to work when you want to, and then maybe even part time. Because here's the real killer from choosing this man as the father - you'll have to watch him be a SAHD because you can't afford it to be you. And not only will you be at work paying for him to do that, what you really wanted for yourself, but you'll have the salt rubbed in the wound that he doesn't even want it! You'll miss your child all day, and come home from a shit day at work to him moaning how boring toddlers are.

Relaxed contraception=natural family planning. I meant it is the most relaxed form of contraception. I didn't say I was being lazy or relaxed about applying it.

Bullshit.

"I was relaxed with contraception on this occasion because I thought we ultimately wanted the same thing" is what you said.

Just read through this hole thread and it's very sad I don't think your relationship will last if I'm very honest.

I don't think you should go into this thinking he is going to be there in any shape or form I think you need to go into this with the intentions that you could be completely on your own and that your child may not have a father just because he has kept in touch with his daughter it does not mean he will do the same with your baby I mean this in the nicest possible way because I have ended up in that situation without realising.

I still have time to save and if he up scales then great, I can be SAHM for longer.

Well best get saving then, because he's not going to pull it out of the bag!

I'm giving you the CONTEXT C! "This occasion " was the first time we had applied this method. And I felt ok with using a more relaxed method of contraception as we had discussed having a baby next year so we were on the same page! But then when I realised I had got it wrong we discussed baby now or next year and decided to take MAP

But you WEREN'T on the same page!
Don't you see that there is a difference between agreeing to have a baby now, and next year?

I'm going to hide this thread now because you don't like what I'm posting, and I really get irritated by people who claim accidental pregnancy when it isn't.

Yes I did say I would be saving...Thank you all.

Cabrinha I think you are being rude.

You're making accusations against OP and you don't just 'seem' judgemental, you are being judgemental.

Shouting in bold. That should help get the message across.

This is just a stereotypical scenario of planning or not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy when a relationship has no future, or is already unstable and the warning signs not to proceed are all there.

Many have done it, I have done it. You can't force a man to be a good father, and financially it sounds like he has little to nothing to offer. If I were to advise someone beforehand I would suggest not going down the single mother path if it can be avoided - especially in a situation where he is already 'overstretched' by being active in one child's life, because it is likely if you split up that he will become overwhelmed and will therefore not be present in your child's life also. I have seen this played out many many times, and your fantasy of him falling in love with your beautiful baby is understandable, but listen very carefully to what he is telling you now. He doesn't want another child.

It can be done alone, but it is emotionally draining and you have the rest of your life to think of. Not only the cutesy baby phase, but the screaming toddler, the rude adolescent, and the adult child who couldn't care less what you have sacrificed for them once they flee the nest!

I'm not a traditionalist by any means, but life experience has taught me that bringing a baby into a dysfunctional relationship will open up a future can of misery once the child free and care free life you have now becomes a distant memory.

Good luck, I hope you can make it work.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.
You're not going to have an abortion, I think it's obvious that you have made that decision already, so I think it's time to shut down your DP ever mentioning that again. You're not being pushy or manipulative, no contraception is cast iron and he could have taken additional precautions if he wanted more certainty and control. It is what it is.
He's entitled to how he feels about the baby and his job, and props to him for being honest about that. But the baby is coming so he needs to step up or sod off. Though I rather think you'd be in a better position to be the one to get rid of him. Having a baby puts immense pressure on even the most solid of relationships. If the relationship is already tricky, then it'll likely be easier and less stressful to actually manage on your own and with your support network. You can do it, you will be fine. Take control here, for the sake of your baby.

Will he pay for your child if you split up with him?

£800 won't go very far if he has to move out and pay child support.

He's a man child, get rid!

If your partner is earning so little would he be willing to be the stay at home parent. Your salary isn't great but it's a lot better than his.

You were unlucky for the MAP not to work. It's a very sad situation.

Also, if you're going to be forced back to work before you're ready by his inadequacies then you will end up resenting him at best, if not hating him. If you have to gonback early because you're a single parent, well that's unfortubate circumstances. If it's because you're still together and he won't get more work because he wants to do his hobbies then you will only ever see him as a selfish fucktard. He will never let you utter a complaint as he will always throw back "it was your choice" in your face. And how will that affect the child as it becomes cognisant?

Hmm he was never father material from the start was he...You earn triple what he does as he only works part time, out of choice while you support him...without you he have no choice but to get fulltime employment.

He properly come around but he will have to be the sahp during the day while your working. If he agrees to all that of course.

Hiddenmeaning - no way would i let my partner be a SAHP if he had declared he didn't like babies, found them boring and didn't want this one. It won't be a fabulous environment for the baby, will it. And it sounds like he's not keen on that either, with his begrudging remarks avout occasional babysitting of his own child.