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Original poster

I'm pregnant but my partner doesn't want to keep the baby

105 replies

user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 12:47

I am 30 years old and am 7 weeks into an unplanned pregnancy with my partner of 3 years. We live together and his daughter from his previous marriage aged 5 lives with us half the week.

We had unprotected sex and discussed the options, we agreed that now wasn’t quite the right time as we were planning to do a trip together in Jan. I took the morning after pill but became pregnant anyway.
I was really pleased about the pregnancy, I have realised just how much I wanted a child of my own since becoming a stepmum figure to his daughter and how important family is to me. My partner was initially happy about the news, but since we discussed money and the practical side of it he has now changed his mind and has started saying he wants me to have an abortion.

Before this happened we had talked about children in the future, initially he said no he did not want any more (he never wanted his daughter or any children to begin with but since she started talking and became a real personality, he can’t see her enough and absolutely adores her). Gradually through our relationship he eased up as could see how important it was to me and how good we are as a family. We agreed to think about it in a couple of years time, and after taking the morning after pill he even suggested trying next year after our trip away.

Since I became pregnant I have asked him what he really thinks, at first he was happy to go with the flow, he even told his parents at 6 weeks and they were very happy. But since we started discussing the reality of finances, he has gone cold on the idea and feels pressurised.
I work full time on a decent salary £23,000 pa but my partner only earns £800 per month as a part time evening worker in entertainment. He likes to spend his day time doing his hobbies outdoors and does not want to work any more than is absolutely necessary, he has made this very clear.

I will be down to statutory maternity pay when I leave work and it will be a struggle to pay the rent and bills on this and his £800 a month salary. He says he doesn’t have enough money to support us, or to save, and suggested that I will have to go to work before the six months are up which really upset me. He says he is willing to compromise and do things he doesn’t want to do, such as babysit whilst I work in the day, but that he doesn’t like babies and will find it stressful. (He did this with his ex as she was also the main earner). He says he wants the abortion because I will use the baby as an excuse to push him in a direction workwise that he does not want to go down, ie working more.

I feel like he is just a bit lost career wise and isn’t prepared to give up his free time to take on the responsibility of a baby. I cannot see myself aborting the pregnancy, I know it would be the end of our relationship if I did and also that I would feel so regretful. I wouldn’t be able to be around his daughter, it would just cause me pain. My instinct is have this baby no matter what, and as I have always been surrounded by positive strong females who have achieved so much on their own I feel confident. That is obviously the worst case scenario. Am I being selfish? Any advice appreciated x

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 17:12

You have all been brilliant thank you so much, I feel so much better emotionally for just letting these thoughts out as I've not really been able to confide in anyone before today (don't want to drop this on my own one atm) and none of my friends have or want children so don't 100% understand X

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 17:13

own mum*

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 09/06/2016 17:13

Get rid of the baby and keep the pregnancy.

TheNaze73 · 09/06/2016 17:16

If he was that concerned, he should have not had unprotected sex. End of.

Elllicam · 09/06/2016 17:19

Tbh I think he wouldn't have ever been 'ready' for a baby. I think this has shown you his true colours. I would keep the baby but be cautious in this relationship.

SolomanDaisy · 09/06/2016 17:23

If you leave him, he won't be able to survive on £800 a month, so you are subsidizing his choice to not work much. I know everyone has said keep the baby and lose him, but it would be reasonable to consider whether you want to be tied into parenting with this man, even if you leave him.

Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 18:24

I'm going to talk to him this week. I was thinking if I could suggest some work options, this might help direct him a bit more-it might not but I think it's worth a try. Any suggestions welcome. He is dyslexic and struggles with administrative tasks and currently works as in live sound. He is more practically minded so I am thinking driving jobs such as deliveries, removals etc painting decorating or tech support at uni etc

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 18:29

He was actually working less before we moved in together and was in receipt of benefits. Moving in has meant he increased his work, but only up to a point.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 09/06/2016 18:36

He's dyslexic not thick, or five.
He needs to decide what jobs to look into himself - because he knows what he can do with his dyslexia, and he's more likely to stick at something he's chosen.

You know that his own mother will have already made all these suggestions?
And his last pseudo-mother, I expect - his daughter's mother.

Why not get a short cut by asking them both what they have suggested in the past?

You're not his mother Hmm he needs to step up himself.

Good luck.

pinkyredrose · 09/06/2016 18:37

If a man doesn't wish to be a father he should do something to ensure it, use a condom or have a vasectomy. You discussed the situation, took the MAP, you've hardly tricked him ffs! He sounds irresponsible and immature. You don't want a termination and you know you'll regret it, you know in your heart what you want. If this arsehat decides to grow up then great but in any case you shouldn't let his lack of forward thinking stop you doing anything.

Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 18:49

Thanks ladies you've all been very helpful today x

OP posts:
clarrrp · 09/06/2016 19:25
  • But since we started discussing the reality of finances, he has gone cold on the idea and feels pressurised. I work full time on a decent salary £23,000 pa but my partner only earns £800 per month as a part time evening worker in entertainment. He likes to spend his day time doing his hobbies outdoors and does not want to work any more than is absolutely necessary, he has made this very clear.*

How selfish.

Reading this it sounds very much to me that it's not the baby he doesn't want, it's the loss of you supporting him so he can indulge in his hobbies.

If you want the baby then keep it. You'll work it out. But make it clear that your contributions to the household income will be going down.

. I needed clarity on his earnings and asked so we can plan financially, the £800 is an estimate.

That in itself is worrying - that he is only giving you a rough idea what he earns. You need to have a very frank talk with him about this whole subject, and be prepared to make decisions based on what is best for YOU.

But in my experience a man who doesn't step up in this situation is never going to step up.

2nds · 09/06/2016 19:37

Cabrinha if a man definitely does not want another baby he has the power to take control of the contraceptives issue, condoms or the snip. Why didn't he go and get the snip?

2nds · 09/06/2016 19:45

OP a lot of men find the newborn stage a bit dull.

memyselfandaye · 09/06/2016 19:51

Whatever you decide to do, you really need to think of proper contraception in the future.

Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 23:42

I was relaxed with contraception on this occassion because I thought we ultimately wanted the same thing, yes me more so but we were in agreement. Until of course it became an actual reality and he decides no, i take back what I've been saying for the last year. It is not our standard contraceptive method, I had the coil preciously for two years and then after that condoms. This is the most challenging decision I've ever been in. I genuinely don't know what is the right choice to make anymore buthe I feel emotionally exhausted. It will hopefully be clearer tomorrow. I'm going to stay away from home for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
user1465471993 · 09/06/2016 23:43

Previously not preciously

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 10/06/2016 00:28

"Relaxed with contraception"?

You thought you ultimately wanted the same thing?

He told you he didn't want a baby now. You may have been aligned on ultimately wanting a baby eventually when he'd previously said no. But come on, you know he didn't want a baby yet, so why did you switch to a poor method of contraception, and then be "relaxed" with that?

I don't like him - he sounds like a lazy arse. But he pays 50% of the bills and has been upfront about not wanting to work more. He said he didn't want a baby because you would then (rightly!) push him to work more. And guess what you're doing? Trying to decide whether you should suggest a decorating job.

Where he has been a really nasty piece of shit is in letting you get excited and announcing it to his parents. I'd struggle to get over that.

He was an absolute idiot for relying on a notoriously poor method of contraception, practised by someone who didn't double up until they knew how it worked. But at the end of the day, I think each person should be able to trust their partner not to be "relaxed" about contraception when they have said they don't want a baby yet. "Relaxed" doesn't make this pregnancy sound very accidental.

Cabrinha · 10/06/2016 00:36

Anyway, you are where you are.
You clearly want the baby.
And your wet lettuce of a boyfriend hasn't said he won't look after his child - only that he'd rather not.
If I were you, I would save like billy-o now. You have some spare cash if you were paying towards taking his daughter out. Let him pay for that, you save save save.
See what financial help your parents can give you for maternity leave - I would always help my child if I could.
Ear mark some of that £10K your boyfriend's parents gave him for a house deposit. Or go cap in hand to them - no point in being proud.
If he hates the baby days so much, he may happily run to the bank of mum and dad.
Do everything you can to get as mat leave as you want/can afford.

I would just say, be aware that even without this start, many relationships fail. So make decisions in life with that in the back of your mind. Like - don't give up your job!

I hope you can start to enjoy the pregnancy soon Flowers

HiddenMeaning · 10/06/2016 00:40

You and your DP have both behaved irresponsibly. It's so unfair on the child.

Cabrinha · 10/06/2016 00:48

I think the child will be fine - a reluctant father that comes round when they can talk, and a mother that does her best and loves.

I just get irritated when people claim "unplanned" pregnancy, when it really isn't.

2nds · 10/06/2016 01:02

Whether there's a new baby or not his£800 take home pay is completely unrealistic at present anyway. The man needs to set a better example to his daughter.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/06/2016 06:51

Don't terminate if you want the baby. You sound as if you have your had screwed on and will manage fine on your own - yes, it will be hard, but others have done it before you.

As for your catch of a man, more red flags than a Communist party convention. He wants to piss about doing hobbies and being supported by a succession of women who are too good for him rather than taking responsibility for his own life. He doesn't want a baby but can't put on a condom - indeed I think he probably told you what you wanted to hear re babies in order to keep his meal ticket. And I am always profoundly Hmm about these men who aren't interested in their dc 'until they turn into real personalities' - a reflection of too many men's entitled attitude that others, incl their own dc, exist to serve and entertain them and until they can 'give something' they are not worth bothering about.

Honestly, bin him and go it alone. He can have contact, as much as he likes - how about taking the dc along on thse hobbies? - and pay maintenance from his self-limited earnings, but don't rely on him.

PPie10 · 10/06/2016 08:05

Why on earth you got together with someone so Lazy and unambitious is beyond me. What did you expect him to do with that salary? And you also had a clear picture of him as he has a child already, why would you get yourself into a situation like that Confused

Anyway he has no right now to demand you not have the baby. Just be prepared to go it alone, as you were well aware of. He is no prize at all.

MaryMcCarthy · 10/06/2016 10:01

Someone earlier said "He made his choice when he chose to ejaculate without a condom on"... while emphasising "Your body, your choice" to the OP... Oblivious to the fact that she had a choice about who ejaculated in her body... unless we're calling him a rapist on top of the character assassination he's receiving?

The double standards are disgusting. Where do you get off promoting such a dereliction of responsibility? It's like a child who can't handle reality "it was his fault! he's the naughty one!". Some people need to grow up and become accountable for their actions.

(no offence OP, I'm responding to some of the replies you're getting)