Friend has accused me of being a useless friend

[EmeraldGreenSea]

I am currently going through IVF and have been TTC for 3 years. 5th cycle has just failed. I feel utterly broken this time (much more than usual). I have told friends about it because I am tired of fielding off questions and comments all the time. That said, I don't really reach out to friends (I get my support from mom and husband) and put on a brave face, as it were.
Post concerns my "best friend" from college. We're now 30. She's always been emotionally very needy and has always leaned on me and I've gone above and beyond in supporting her over the years. We used to be very close but after uni moved to different areas and of course our contact wasn't as regular but she's always very obsessed with me being her "best" friend. She's not reeeally that great on support but because I never ask her for any I don't feel let down.
Her father sadly passed away suddenly and they had been estranged. I was very sad for her and of course immediately sent a card, called and sent text messages. I didn't hear from her but of course didn't think anything of it and said to call when she felt able and that I was always here for her.
In the meantime, I had a very distressing family situation to deal with (not death) but left me emotionally spent as it was a constant stress. Added to that, I did my 5th IVF cycle and my thyroid completely gave up. I can't start another cycle until I get this sorted and I don't know how long that will take.
During this month, I didn't hear from my friend and I didn't contact her either. Time just whizzed by and I was numb the entire time. We spoke in early May on the phone for 2 hours and I left her to speak only about her dad. I didn't tell her about the IVF failing as It wasn't about me, she needed to talk. She asked if I was pregnant yet and I said I was still trying with treatment but didn't say much else apart from that it was emotionally tough. We exchanged text messages afterwards a bit.
Then our friend had a baby. Yesterday we went to see her and meet the baby. This of course wasn't easy as I don't find babies easy to be around but I am happy for our friend so put on a brave face for our lovely friend who has been lovely to me despite being pregnant.
My friend corners me in another room and aggressively tells me I've been a useless friend and hadnt supported her for a whole month. I said I felt like I had but she hadn't contacted me back and she hadn't mentioned this when we spoke at length recently. I said that I didn't want to harass her if she wasn't returning calls. She said it wasn't good enough and she was amazed at how useless I've been. I said I had had an awful time myself and she said it wasn't an excuse. I'm ashamed to say that I broke down but she kept laying into me.
We left shortly after (felt awful for my other friend but she understood). My friend text me afterwards to say that she felt like I didn't care and was disappointed. I reiterated what I said earlier but she persisted. She said "we need to talk on the phone soon to discuss this as I need to know what you want from our friendship". This has weirdly shaken me. What would you do. My husband is not happy about her being so bullish and I need an impartial perspective I think.
Thanks, sorry this is so long.

I wouldnt send her another message,you are just asking for another round of "What a crap friend you are".I would just let her stew and if you do see her be polite but distant.

Frankly, I would enjoy telling her to fuck off. Who needs friends like that? It sounds like she's upset because you've had your own life to deal with, and couldn't be used for support.

Any contact from her in the future will be negative, against you for slights she has fabricated and nurtured into her version of the truth, as she has already demonstrated.

I predict she will wait a good period then call you and claim that it was you who were to call (re-write history). I had someone like this and it was implied that the person calling was the subordinate checking in with command/ child calling a parent...as she self anointed herself into the matriarch role after our parents passed. There is self-centered and then there is narcissism. If your "friend" is narcissistic then the berating you experienced is called narcissistic rage because you didn't deliver to her specifications.

The best way forward is Complete Radio Silence.

I do think that, ideally, good friends don't wait to be asked for support. If I were in her situation and a close friend just said 'call me if you need anything' then didn't get in touch for a month, then I might be quite hurt. That said, you did call, email and text with no response from her, and it would have been reasonable for you to assume that she just didn't want to talk right now and would contact you when she felt ready. That's even before you factor in everything that you've been going through yourself.

The way she's approached it is absolutely disgusting, though. Laying into you so badly that you break down and cry, while you're visiting another friend on what was supposed to be a happy occasion? And telling you that your own problems don't matter and aren't an 'excuse'? That's awful.

However, if this were the first time she's behaved like this and it were totally out of character then I'd say she's just lashing out due to her own grief and anger. It would be awful, but forgivable. It doesn't sound like it, though. It sounds like this is fairly typical behaviour and I really doubt you need someone like that in your life.

I would try not to get drawn into this argument any further. I would tell her that you tried your very best in some difficult circumstances yourself, but that clearly you can't give her what she's looking for. And that since you're not interesting in subjecting yourself to any more verbal pummelling from her, you think it's best if you keep some distance between you from now on.